It's been awhile...

...since I've blogged. I've kept it all up on paper though because I'd go crazy if I didn't write. We've been through some stuff lately, and I'll share some here. Updates on everyone that is. I want to thank everyone with the encouraging words to get back to blogging. I really felt moved that my words have made a difference in my readers lives.

1. Ms. Halie as she is still living with Joey in Arkansas, and working at KFC. I miss her greatly, the last time I seen her was in May at her HS graduation.

2. Ms. Holly well the big 18th birthday is coming up on the 17th, and well it's her Senior year in HS, but is in college classes more than HS classes. No complaints here, she has a big load this year with working a part-time job too. Her & Wyatt "Bongo" are still dating, it's been over a year now.

3. Mr. Rick has changed over to driving a commercial route instead of being the mechanic of those big trucks. He was losing hours doing the other, and with him being the "Bacon" so I can have a flexible schedule to take care of the medical needs around here.

4. Mr. Koda has started the 1st grade. I'm so glad we started the transition into public school last year with all his issues; because I know we would be a long way from him getting the services needed for a successful school year had we not. We are about to have an IEP meeting soon, we actually may have to drop the IEP & be an OHI instead; but all is well as long as services are provided. For those of you who don't know those terms (IEP...Individualized Education Plan) (OHI ...Other Health Impairments). These terms are labeled on kids with specialized education settings, services, etc. such as Occupational Therapy, Speech, Physical Therapy, Paraprofessional help, etc. The year has started very well so far, and I look forward to working with the team.

Koda recently has been to the ophthalmologist & ENT the last two weeks. Koda is now wearing glasses due to a strong astigmatism. In that check up they found abnormal optic nerves and orbits...so here we go again MRI. The story of Koda's life will be these MRI's to confirm tumors and their growth. They want to rule out there being a optic glioma which is a common type of tumor in those living with NF. This MRI which will be of the brain, optics, and neck so they can check the tumor in which he already has for growth. We're looking at that the first week of Nov. The ENT visit was fun for Koda as the doc tickled his ear to get the tube that was just hanging by wax out. He lost the other tube within the last year. Koda failed his hearing test so if the fluids don't clear up by 7 weeks of breathing treatments for the ears, and medication he will be having surgery again to replace the ear tubes. This will be scheduled around the end of the year.

5. Last but not least, me, I'm working on Me! I have taken since February this year & devoted myself to finding out what God has planned for me, and the steps to fulfill that. You will see more about that in blogs to come, especially now that the kids are back in school. :) This weather rocks!!

Transition

My transition

The journal.........

As I wrote in my journal today; I asked why? Why do I journal? My journal is everything to me, it’s my life on paper; my every thought, desire, light bulb moments, goals,…………  I’m in too deep……but I keep going back for more; save me!  I really think that I am being truthful when I say I am emotionally devoted to getting my story out to the world that deeply hides the very same secrets, desires, and experiences in life. I have always known I was supposed to write a book; what type of book…….never really knew.  It’s becoming very clear to me today that I have been led down a path of deliverance that has brought healing through such writing. I may not even have a thought when I start, but I start even if it’s with what I had for breakfast; then it just rolls off the fingers.

I don’t know even where to start on getting a book published, so that’s one of the excuses of why I never did it. I have found so much happiness in life and who I am through these writings; who knows, maybe this is really my “purpose” in this world. I’ll never know if I don’t try, right? I always thought it was to interpret for my deaf mother, or help my grandma think through things and be the only one who seemed to care about her, to be at the beck and call of some man, to mother my three children…………….Wait, what about me?
Ohhh that sounded selfish! I can’t do that, it’s not right to think about me when I still have so much to do for everyone else. I can no longer interpret for my mother, she’s no longer with me; but hearing all the beautiful sounds of heaven. I am no longer “needed” to take care of granny because she now lives with my uncle, and she has “forgotten” so much that there are days that no one else exists in her life but him. I am no longer being at some man’s beck and call because I’m not with a person that requires that of me any longer. I will always be a mother, and that job really never ends just the job duties as they age.

All the stuff I have to do: really is only Motherhood, and it doesn’t require my every moment; though it sometimes feels like it. How I can be the best for everyone else if I can’t be the best me. I can’t be the best me if I’m depressed, fatigued, and so busy doing ……..and if I’m not the best me how can I be the best at what I do. I do desire being the best in every area of my life. No I’m not a perfectionist, and I realize that I cannot be the best at everything. I have desires that I want to fulfill.  Why shouldn’t I be able to do it; it is my life, isn’t it? Why have I been brought up in this world to think that living by giving to everyone and not taking myself into consideration is the way to “leave my legacy”? Who taught me that? Was such teaching by example; now that I write it down……….it was. The very people who taught me that are/were unhappy, alone, no one comes to see them, gave everything and have nothing, lost a sense of reality…….why would I want to end up that way.

Why? No! I refuse to end up that way………life is too short! I have some more changes to make……..it seems to never stop. It’s autumn now……….another season in my life; I really like it today because its full of vibrant rich colors! I am happy! Without my journal I don’t think I would ever figure a lot of my life out the way that I have. I have found freedom in my writing even though no one may read it, but they do read it. I have got many emails from people stating they feel the very same way, and I have been thanked for showing such subjects in another light. There is a reason for it all…………and I am full of emotions right now about the exciting new seasons coming my way.

Can’t wait to share it with you! I’ve always wondered why I would lay awake at night running so many thoughts through my head; it was “time to journal”. There is a time for many things in life; cry, laugh, dance, ……..it’s best said: Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
1For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
2A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
………………..and now my journal has helped me realize there is a “time for me”! Enjoy Life!

A deep love........

A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.

A Father figure...........

You don't want to miss this story; I have moved everything for a time being to another site; trying it out.......please don't stop reading!

www.freeconscience.wordpress.com

Love you all!

Confirmation of the obvious...........

has been right in front of me the whole time. The directions we take are always right there, but then we have to decide which way to go. I sometimes miss the direction due to my own anxiousness, determination, and desires. When Koda was originally diagnosed with NF (Neurofibromatosis), I was anxious of the unknown. Looking to the easiest access which would be the Internet at the time. I was devastated with what images and stories I came across. Yes, NF can cause such dramatic effects & I know now some very special people with some of the worst stories. I am so thankful that I was connected to the right organization thru my local Neurologist to help me find the most helpful doctors right from the beginning. I won't go into the whole story at the beginning, but one of those times I was personally referred by two different people to Dr. Gutmann in St. Louis @ St. Louis Children's Hospital. Due to not wanting to wait until I could get in, I took the hospital (Cardinal Gleenon Children's Hospital in St. Louis) that could get me in first. They have an NF clinic and was listed on the referral list too. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in any way having ill feelings to the NF clinic @ CGCH. 

We just had a "Ask the Doc" conference at KU Med Center on Saturday which Dr. Gutmann was one of the guest speakers. I was so impressed with the answers he was able to provide, and he is looking at a "new" way to treat NF.......for one it's a whole team totally constantly communicating to give the best care for their patients. I've had some communication issues, and its frustrating when you live 4 hours away. The point of all this is really.........time is valuable and sometimes you really do have to wait! Wait! Wait! and Wait! Its ok to wait, because the best comes out of it. If nothing else wisdom is built while waiting. I was really excited to have an actual scientific doctor talk with me about a natural approach to NF as well. Waiting has educated me in the realm of NF too, so now I know how to better prepare myself before an appointment with such a doctor that seems to give it to you pretty direct & if he doesn't know he says so. Love that.

Don't miss your path of opportunity.....................its right in front of you, and you have a decision; sometimes its to wait until you actually see the path. If you get off though...........you can always get back on the right track. I'm turning around, and pushing through w/ power and determination!

A medical rage...........

 ........is what was brewing in the very pit of my being Monday. We had made another trip to St. Louis just two weeks prior to meet w/ our NF medical team. After being told that Koda's tumor has grown in the trachea area, the doc didn't want to "wait & watch" any longer. He asked us to please see the oncologist within their facility to start or at least discuss the next medicine Koda would be taking to at least stabilize the growth if not shrink it. So in-fact we did; made another appointment/trip to St. Louis to do this very thing. 

I won't go into all the rage of thoughts and emotions this mom had.......there really is no point; because anger doesn't solve anything. The rage didn't make anything else happen, it really didn't do anything for myself or Koda except make for a very upsetting ride home. I was planning on venting here about how no one really knows in the medical field it's just an educated guess.........and I don't know that they really care it's just money in their pocket; you know the same reason we all go to work.......money. Well that was another rage was the money we had put out in traveling, eating, co-pays, etc to make this trip. That money vary well could have been our grocery money for the week, or a gas money to get to work for the next couple weeks.......not only setting us behind but putting Koda out of his "schedule" which is so very important to keep. One day off makes for a whole week off for him. Just some of the thoughts that ran through my brain at the time. 

The appointment was just a pure waste of time, the doctor not only had not had time to review his MRI results, but had not even looked at his file until 5 mins before. She stated "he looks good, so I don't see why he would need to have any meds"..............that's all fine with me too if he doesn't need them, or no chance of helping then I don't want him on any unnecessary medications especially with the side effects that most of these meds have. BUT............didn't you just say you didn't have time to look at his file or the MRI; how do you know by looking at him? Now, I laugh.......it's ok; because I needed this time to sort some things out myself:

Koda has been allowed to be diagnosed w/ NF & this large plexiform neurofibroma for a reason......whether I like it or not; so where do we go & how do we go about it now. The doc stated she would "try" and put Koda on this Thursday's Tumor Conference (today). Wow, they have tumor conferences.......to bounce off of each other what the best educated guess is (like on the TV show "House"). Some of the most educated people right now are flipping burgers due to the economy...........multiple degrees, etc; so are these people that I have been taking him to really the ones that are suppose to be directing us at all? That's the question I have now.

We have the right & should question everything when it comes to our kids! I'm doing that..........so just in the right moment of it all; the clinical scientist, doctor and director for Washington University's NF Center, which is the world's largest research center for NF is coming to KC for a "ask the doc" conference this Saturday. He actually works at St. Louis Children's hospital; probably where I should have been going to begin with. YES, I'm going to the conference! So instead of being angry, I decided to look at this as glass half full......because my very answer may just be at that conference this weekend. Maybe Koda doesn't need to be on these meds at all, maybe just maybe he's suppose to end up with a trach, be on a breathing machine, be on a feeding tube.........just maybe he is. Ohhhh don't doubt for a second that I don't believe in miracles & have faith in a very powerful God & prayers...........but sometimes He allows these things to happen for the good. Really, I've seen it first hand! Am I going to stop doing anything for Koda & just let it happen like that.......NO I'm not stupid and heartless! I don't want for any bad thing to happen to any of my kids, but I need to face the reality of life as well & of this disorder. Koda isn't go to die, but he may have to face many trials along the way as so many of us do. We without anger, as parents, just need to be there to guide him in the best way possible, and with all the prayers do everything we can to make him be the best he can be.

...........is still something that touches every nerve I have, but anger doesn't solve it! Love does! 

Different outlook on life............

............after having a child w/ Cerebral Palsy and another with NF, ADHD, RLS, and PLMD. I also believe in Karma, I thought people stating kids/adults w/ all these alphabet diseases were in some type of hypochondriac disorder themselves. Then, I was faced w/ our precious Koda...........the flying monkey, bull in a china closet, can not sit down or still for "one" moment, chaos. :) I can smile about it now, but I was rather slapped in the face that these "Alphabet diseases" are real; well real in the sense that the medical world has given a name for such behaviors. Such disorders are not fun, they take work & strong interpersonal skills to deal with such an active body. You don't really get it, becuz that's not how you are..........

I was once told by another w/ ADD that the brain is like walking into a electronics department w/ all the TV's (you know like 100 tv's on in one place) being on different channels......and you want to be involved & look at all of them; you like all of them; my mind blows trying to have two conversations let alone trying to think about, be involved in, and liking each and every one of those "actions" going on.

I've also been told, he's a boy........he's supposed to be rowdy, running, etc. Yep, he sure is; but not to the point he hurts himself & others w/o any comprehension of doing such. When he jumps on every chair in the lobby and no discipline, attention, direction works; becuz he can only think about all those things in his head at once plus getting in trouble. Its like the he is the tv, and the remote is stuck on channel up/down back/forth constantly.........and my words of direction are in there somewhere but he can't stop on it long enough to think about the consequences let alone care. I saw the results of his brain activity........well it's the best and fastest ping pong game ever and never ending.

As I posted on Facebook though, I really have decided that Koda has a diagnoses of creative energy......its ok that the medical world wants to call it ADHD, so they can have a reason to prescribe drugs to make "themselves some $$ bonuses from the pharmaceutical companies", and make our kids get to the point "the world calls normal behavior".

Its all ok, but really every bad can be used for good! I believe things happen for a reason! I'm not saying that medication, docs, pharmacies, etc are not needed; they are needed and they have their place.

Koda is medicated for his creative energy, but not w/ stimulants like most that "alter the behaviors, spirit, natural given personality of a child".

If everyone sits down & is always quite.............what a boring world this would be. I know these types of people can drive others crazy; but it's ok! Its ok to be different, and "not normal"........who decides that anyway? Who would run the marathons for fundraising efforts such as NF, Cancer, etc.  or happen to be in the right place to save someones life........without such energy. We need people who are multi-thinkers on a dime, so decisions can be made at the last minute: for example, we need to save our country? I'm not making excuses or cover-ups to make myself feel better about having a child with such issues......but I am standing up for the spirit, personality, and/or natural nature of who we are inside & most of the purpose of what we are to become.

I never heard of public school homeschooling...........or virtual public school, well I knew that to get Koda out of "the troubled child" stage at school we had to do something or his spirit would be weakened if not totally crushed by no, stop, that's not right, wrong, sit down (when he can't), because he would be considered different, slow, special ed.......it's all ok, becuz we decided to home school him this year. I couldn't afford at the time to do a Christian based home schooling due to all the costs of supplies, etc. Plus with him being in a brick & mortar preschool last year; they did set up an IEP (Individual Education Plan); so he will continue to get services (therapy, etc), thru the school district.

We are one week in, and I am smiling at the progress........I am enjoying my child! I was concerned w/ the social skills he would need; but there are a great group of leaders, seasoned moms, etc....and even new ones; ready to get our kids together often to play. Matters of fact, we have our 2nd group play date tomorrow........he has looked forward to it all week & worked hard! I have more energy......wow it takes a lot to get a long drawn out boring story to be interesting to a boy that could care less; but we act out our books.......pics will be posted soon. Truly enjoying my relationship as his learning coach, and allowing him to be just what he is supposed to be.............FULL of LIFE!

A different outlook on life.............You have a purpose ......I'm positive it's all ok, and different is good!

So many thoughts............

as I laid my head down to sleep last night. I had all the words & was reciting them as to my new blog for today. Guess what, can't think of one of those fabulous words. I think & write much better when everyone is sleeping or gone........time alone doesn't happen much. I've started a new journey & think I need to use my other blog page to share the journey w/ others. For those of you that don't know, I'm having the Gastric Sleeve procedure done in October. I was supposed to have the Gastric Bypass procedure done this last April, but my insurance company put in a new stipulation; 6 months of dr supervised diet. Well I just went for my 3rd one yesterday & am very motivated in my new life of food & living. I've lost 20 lbs in 8 weeks, not counting a few before this journey began. I believe the new insurance requirement gave me a new insight to the other options @ one of the support groups. So if you are interested in this journey it will be posted at http://www.free-conscience.blogspot.com/, come follow if you like.......................many pounds will be lost! :o)

I'm back..........

@ being an at home mommy. So, it's been a week since I've been home full time and daily I can't wait to get back to blogging! It will take me a bit to get back into the groove of finding the time & scheduling such time appropiately. I have to refresh myself w/ the site again, etc. Talk to you all soon...................and I am happy!

Snow................

I'm tired of it already~ I love it when it comes, covers, and melts by the next day. Ok, I'm starting a new job tomorrow and it's still snowing! Am I complaining, no just wanting to vent about the weather's decision to make my first day of work a challenge. I love a good challenge; so God help me to face this challenge with safety and sense. LOL that is where the true challenge is; me having sense :o)! Happy New Year everybody!..........its still falling.

About to die...........

..........does anyone notice? You know we all have our issues, and all we want is someone to be there for us. Someone who really cares about us, and wants the best for us. We go about our days busy as can be, running errands, cleaning house, doing dishes, going to work, waiting in traffic, and then get cut off from another driver or the bill collector calls; do they not understand today is the day that "you fill in the blank" happened. My kid just got diagnosed with cancer, my loved one died, I lost my job, I have no groceries, my spouse just cheated on me, I live in a tent in the woods, My dad just hit me, I'm going thru a divorce, and on and on and on. Does anyone notice?????

Compassion for our neighbors, family, friends, and the stranger that you just cut off, ignored, laughed at, or just didn't pray for today because we're too caught up in our own issues. Everybody has them, and none of us are exempt from them. How we choose to deal with it though is the difference. I often can get caught up in my own issues and wonder "don't you understand my son may not make it thru his teenage years; there's no cure or treatment for NF". "Don't you understand, we don't have any food in the fridge and I had to go to the food pantry for the first time in my life; I need a job"............all of this only to strengthen me for what is about to come. I have been granted and allowed to be in this very family to build my faith, strength, courage and most of all love for others. I have endured and will be challenged with more; as God see's fit. A reward, compliment, promotion, or whatever you want to call it; but God must think I'm "able and good enough" to take it on.

I don't like it sometimes. It's much easier to crawl back under the covers and not face any of it. Its easy being depressed; I can excuse it, not worry about it, throw it off to the side; but then it drains all of my energy to be depressed; now it's too hard. I just want to be happy! Ok, I have a choice; it's not everyone else's job to make me happy. I need to find my happiness in another form than from the people in my life........where do you find yours? Most people really are selfish, and only care about their own lives.......really!

My eyes were opened when I saw the tent in the woods; on a sub zero degree day. A man  (I'm going to call Jesus) only in a fleece jacket walks from a McDonald's dumpster across the street thru the field and into the balding trees to his now called home. A tent. How long has he had to live there? Is he warm enough? How many are there with him? How did he get to this place in his life? When's the last time he got to take a bath?What else might be wrong? Does he need a doctor? Is he starving? So many questions in the blink of my eye while I ride in my warm van that I gripe about needing to get rid of  on the way back to my warm house with running water, etc. But see, Jesus was thankful; he had shelter, food, and clothing.

Does he not have any friends or family? Then I thought; if I got to a place where I didn't have a home, would I ask someone? Would I really be able to tell them? No, really would you be able? Its not a question of pride as much as it is; are there people that really care enough not to care to help take care of you until you can do it on your own again? People don't want to be bothered, or their finances tightened to really help out. Thoughts to ponder........when you think you're about to die in your circumstance..............

Ok God, what is my purpose; and why did I see this picture?  That's between me and God and I do not need to share; but I ask you........when you think you are about to die in your situation; just look and behold another life; and be thankful, giving, and most of all in prayer that you can help someone out of that place that they are in or add to what they have/need. Why are we so busy that we just pass everyone by? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!

Dark cloud................

There's been a dark cloud around us for awhile lately and I've not been writing. I don't know when I will be back into the groove of things again to blog. Too many deaths and diagnosis' happening that are very close to our family. Please keep the families of these people listed as they have either been promoted to heaven, recently diagnosed with cancer, or have other tragic health issues:

Luke Wallace (Friend's 4 yr old boy w/ NF and found cancer cure in heaven )
Dave Downey ( Friend of family passed the day b4 yesterday due to blood clot to the brain while driving over to visit my uncle)
Issac Krebs (Friend's 3 yr old son found cancer cure in heaven) Feel free to visit this mom amazing journey with her son at www.caringbridge.org/visit/issackrebs
Gabe Putthoff (our Associate Pastor's 5 year old son who is facing his second round with cancer, and the issues that go along with it.) Feel free to visit his heroic story at www.caringbridge.org/visit/gabeputthoff
Darren Myers (tragic car accident last night; in trauma unit on respirator. multiple injuries, doesn't look good: my ex's nephew)
Marilyn Boyd ( my husband's aunt received the diagnosis of Carcinoid Syndrome which they have found the tumors and she is recovering from surgery then will undergo chemo for the one they couldn't get)
Betty (BJ) Rentschler (my mother-in-law has been in the hospital twice within the last 30 days with a horrible bladder infection, and other health issues and is still in the hospital as I type)
Phyllis Bancour (my cousin has been in the hospital and now is recovering from pneumonia but was also diagnosed with emphysema and interstitial lung disease.)

..........praying to find the smiles of sunshine and good news through the clouds!

It's really funny............

...........how I continue to entertain myself by not knowing anything at all to write about when I come here to let my heart out. I sincerely go thru a thought process while typing and laughing at myself; "you don't have a subject even in mind, what the heck are you doing." "ohhh just shut it off and come back when you think of something worth wild to even talk about."

Well by the time I get to this area of writing I have usually figured out or my fingers just go on with whatever is going to come out, but not today I am at a duh??? moment; did going blonde really set me back this much. Did it really pull out any sense that was rolling around up there? Blonde, funny isn't it? I'm stuck!

I guess I'm still overloaded from the last posting........too many prayers that need to be said, too much research that needs to be done, the laundry isn't finished, the dishes still need to be done, dinner still needs to be partially prepared, but this is my only quite time when no one is here, the clothes still need to be put away from off the couch, I need to raise more money for a cure, we need to find a doctor that knows what the heck is going on, I need answers, I need to feel better, the bathroom needs cleaned, I need to go visit Grandma Lola, I need to get our business tax stuff done for Missouri, I need to work on the next NF event stuff, I still need to email stuff, I need to go get my drivers license changed, I need to take Holly to get her license, I need to go make my bed, I need to clean out the van and wash it, I need to deep clean Koda's room, I need to talk to the bill collectors that keep calling and work out a plan, I need to do some Christmas shopping, I need to get a job so I can buy Christmas, I need to just do everything right now cuz I have put it all off long enough.....

.....wow where did all that come from? Busy? Apparently I need to be doing stuff instead of thinking about what I need to do. Been there?..............lets not forget to stop, breathe, read, and have a moment in all the busi-ness of our lives and thank and reflect on God! Don't forget your family and yourself. You can't do all the above if you don't take 3 very important parts of life to heart: God, Family, and yourself (and I don't mean selfishness/pride). So today I'm going to just enjoy the day doing what I can get accomplished. It's really funny......................... being Blonde!

Overloaded...........

...........with ideas to write about today, but haven't decided on anything yet. I thought I would just start typing and see where the heart leads. Ok, subjects could include an obediant wife, a step-parents views, a hotel stay, a public family secret, disorders and diseases, uhhhmmmm there is so many but what is prevelant for today? I must say my eyes have been opened a little more today by one little phone call. See, God puts people in your path just for the very moment that you need it. I didn't realize I needed anything but a job; and then I get the phone call. This very phone call could enhance, destroy, save, enlighten, give strength or just improve a wonderful marriage and unity of the souls.

Step-parenting; I can't say I know anything about it as I have never been one. So why would I write about such a topic.....because I'm married to one, and have relations that are one, etc. Where do they actually fit into the picture, and when do they actually get the recognition that they deserve. Are they just a piece of the puzzle to always get played or the piece left put up and never seen. They are not in the deciding factor in the final decisions of things nomatter if they are the caregiver, insurance payor, the house supplier, the meal maker, the taxi driver, and the money giver.

Are my eyes really open to the possibility that "the" step-parent can see right thru the games that might be played; manipulation, lying, butterup, deception, sneakiness? I am not just talking about my personal family but even the ones that might very well be reading this. Does it really matter for the sp to say anything at all about a subject, when the actual parent always is blinded, gives in, and thinks its all ok? Why even ask them if we're only going to make the final choice in the matter and it be our opinion that is the solution.

I am forever not agreeing with my husband on the rules, discipline, etc for my daughter that lives with us....because I've already lost one daughter back to her dad. That's my thought; I didn't lose her nor did my husband have anything to do with that move. I have to blame somebody though, right? It can't be my fault.......of course, it could be that there was a teenager that thought grass was greener on the other side as well. It's possible it was just all part of the game........and then it could be that well; I can't go into the depths of someone else's choices. Ok no blaming anyone here, just a realization moment for me............this about me realizing that my husband really is pushed back. If some life or death situation was to happen to the kids; the sp wouldn't be calling any final shots in the norm. As an wife that is very much in love with my  husband; I really could've pushed him away by not sitting down and finding out the very reason each of us feel the way we do about such decisions that need to be made. Can we agree to take the time to listen to the logic then proclaim the answer with love?

He doesn't know I have even been enlightened today, about his position in our family. I don't want him left out, and I don't want to push him out eventually either. I also don't want him to punish incorrectly; uhhmmm let's see I guess I'm the judge and I know exactly the perfect punishment is for every situation. NOPE! I really need to listen; I guess sometimes his anger overrides my thinking that he can make a "loving, impactful action/decision". He can't do it right cuz he's mad, He can't do it right cuz he's not been a parent as long, He can't .........do anything if I don't let him share in all these experiences that parents/a marriage should share. Part of that is making mistakes, and standing by each other thru it all. My gosh, what have I done? I understand why he says "what's the point" now...........I know duh, right? Light-bulb should have went off then; but it didn't. Is it possible this is why so many marriages that include step kids don't work?

I know usually when there is step kids there is sometimes a missing biological parent missing from the whole picture do to drugs, alcohol, absenteeism, etc...........but I'm talking about where all parents are involved including step-parents on each side. Kids know right from wrong, and how to get their way; am I missing it by wearing rose colored glasses? I don't want to be too hard, and I don't want them to be unhappy cuz they might just leave............well EYES OPENED along with HEART! I am not playing anymore, my marriage has to last a lifetime; I am partners with my man by God's Grace. I will have this very talk with him this evening; and apologize to him and the world! I have been controlling, unsupportive, and most of all not the spouse anybody would want to step-parent with. It falls down to fear..........I feared something, so I tried to control it myself. I no longer fear.............if they happen to want to leave; grass may be greener, but if its not then that was their decision. Old enough to make choices then old enough to enjoy the consequences. Let's Enjoy Life .............Overloaded!

The Son Painting

A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art.

When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier. The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.

About a month later, just before Christmas, There was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands.

He said, 'Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art.' The young man held out this package. 'I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this.'

The father Opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture.. 'Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift.'

The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.

The man died a few months later... There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection.

On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel. 'We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?'

There was silence..

Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, 'We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one.'

But the auctioneer persisted. 'Will somebody bid for this painting? Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?'

Another voice angrily.. 'We didn't come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Gogh's, the Rembrandts.. Get on with the

Real bids!'

But still the auctioneer continued. 'The son! The son! Who'll take the son?'

Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. 'I'll give $10 for the painting...' Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.

'We have $10, who will bid $20?'

'Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters.'

The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son.

They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections.

The auctioneer pounded the gavel. 'Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!'

A man sitting on the second row shouted, 'Now let's get on with the collection!'

The auctioneer laid down his gavel. 'I'm sorry, the auction is over.'

'What about the paintings?'

'I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings.

The man who took the son gets everything!'

God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on the cross. Much like the auctioneer, His message today is: 'The son, the son, who'll take the son?'

Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything.

FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD HE GAVE HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON, WHO SO EVER BELIEVED, SHALL HAVE ETERNAL LIFE......THAT'S LOVE

Laughing............

my butt off! Ok, if you have ever had anything wrong with you to the point of testing by doctors then you have got to read the link to Marilyn's blog; ohhhhh my gosh, HILARIOUS! This woman of God can take the saddest, most frightening, suspicious, angry, and unknowing steps/diagnosis' thru life and just use plain ol' criticism, back talkin, sarcasm, etc to get everyone else thru and maybe even herself. I dare you to read her journey; she just started it so it's easy to catch up. I know you will love it and her by the time you are done! By the way this is my Aunt!...........the best medicine ever!
www.marilynssunflowers.blogspot.com

Difference........

Who is relying on you, counting on you and needs you to be there to show them, help them, support them and pull them up? Today, it's you that has the chance to impact, to encourage, to meet a need that you don't even know exists. Be the difference.

That's exactly what Dr. Tim is doing from Liberty, MO. He doesn't know us or Koda or even anyone with NF apparently, but is willing to endure the Antarctica Marathon to raise money for a cure for NF. The proceeds going to The Children's Tumor Foundation. Uhmmm time for self reflection I would think; what difference will we make today? You might just find your purpose in life..............

 

Unsure...........

back but still to busy it seems to keep up on a daily basis; but who knows.......for now though I'm just unsure. Its ok to be unsure knowing that where my final place is. I must say that I deal with the natural human feelings of unsureness though. Mainly why and what purpose will this serve? NF, cancer, etc all these things are an unknown for the people that have to live between the lines of it's diagnosis. It becomes easy to blame, find an excuse, or even a scapegoat than to just face the facts that we have an enemy that really is among us to destroy us. When these things happen though, if you step back and watch; you will see a healing that could've never taken place before had it not happened. A family brought back together after years of discord. A way for some to look at themselves and not judge anymore.
A new friend to make, just when you need a real one the most. Would I want my son to pay the price to bring a family back together; my selfishness says no.......but we all know he was only given to me for me to do my job; raise him to know the Lord on a personal level. But see, God did give up his only son to save all of us. See He was selfish in the fact He wanted us all. For those with no family, any sacrifice would be willing to enjoy just a moment in a family spirited atmosphere. There is a purpose behind the pain; though it was not caused it is still allowed so that the pain will give purpose to the much needed growth in each of us. I have to step back and wonder myself why I have become so close to this family member lately........why have our paths crossed; why do we need each other, and what is about to happen? I know I shouldn't but I still want an answer to why. She is not my blood, but she is becoming one of the closest people to my heart. She has had experiences, guilt, shame, victories, losses, thoughts, fights, anger, love, and most of determination. Where she gets it; who knows............she probably is in awe of herself. She wouldn't tell you that though. May we all step back and look a little deeper at the people God allows us to have in our lives. All have a purpose; to a beautiful tapestry that will be finished but it includes our pain. It's all part of it. I must say that I hope to find many years of connected heart strings, and get to share the present of life and victory with her. I know when we look each other in the eyes from now on; there is a deeper sense of strength, passion, serenity, love, wisdom, life, sunshine, memories, mountains of endurance, and most of all true friendship..........to the end. Why I'm writing the words I am, again I do not know. I type what my heart is delivering at the time. Sometimes it makes me cry.......how my feeling turn into clicks. My heart is my writing, and my writing is your gift from me for the day. Another day is always a gift to be thankful for; so I'm glad I can share it with you. I'm still unsure..............

Offline for a while........

there will be no blogs for awhile; I'll be offline for a while. As a new season of Autumn falls in our laps......enjoy the beautiful portrait God has created for us to enjoy!

Reunite................

the hearts, souls, lives, interests, history, genetic features, careers, kids, food recipes, and forgiveness if needed! I embraced the time I took to step back and look at this family that only got together at funerals if that; everyone so amazing, so filled with stories of interest, ready to hug and forgive at the drop of a hat, seeing the kids of generations past all grown up with kids of their own. It was a precious priceless picture that the Typer Family Reunion 2009 @ Riverfront Park, Iola, KS. I am married into this beautiful family, and felt the pain and distance that all of them so desired to shorten and heal; and am blessed to be part of it all.

I met some wonderful souls.........the twins are about the best! We really enjoyed our moment of sick humor with the tens machine; Devon you will forever be a legendary picture of a jerk :oP. Rachel's laugh and jump at a mouse is unforgettable. Tho this blog means nothing really to the public of readers..........it's a written picture of the history. Not one that our memories will always hold on to, but now it's forever written to review when the memories fade. Memories do fade though we all treasure holding on to them, but I have found that a written picture can bring a tear 50 years later that no memory can. Thank you all for allowing me to be part of your family.

Our trip down gave me a sky view picture of peace as three different airplanes crossed paths and left me a visual of The Cross! I knew our trip would be that of Godly nature..........and I have to tell you that the serenity of the late night stars while I'm embracing the jets of hot water massaging my body in the darkness of the night was amazing! Thank you Marilyn for such a beautiful experience.

Every family has skeletons in the closet or secrets that have never been told............we all have them; they have hurt, confused, damaged, distorted, burdened, weighed heavy upon each of us all in different ways. When God is in the picture though; such darkness cannot be held that way.........He always brings it to light whether we like it or not. I like it when such darkness is exposed, it's then that Jesus' blood can wash it all white and reunions of forgiveness can start. Hearts will continue to need mended, but maybe the seeds that were planted ( I pray) will grow the threads needed to grab the needle to begin the sewing........color doesn't matter, and the needle can hurt; but the stitching is a beautiful piece of work when completed by God's Hand.

as we all left the park that day.........a pack to reunite again soon began with a date of June 12, 2010 which means the sewing is healing by determination to build this family instead of letting it deteriorate by the eating of moths in a hidden closet...................Rebuild, Rejuvenate, Relax, Reason, Repent, Remember the reunion of Typer purpose!

Why am I being stopped...........

with migraines, sick kids, full calendars, house chores, taxi service, wifely duties, and whatever else that can and should be named. I cannot find the time nor the thought process even to write anything lately! Overwhelmed by the need to make sure this NF event kicks off successfully has really worn me down. I got approval for surgery though and that brings light to the end of the "fat"........so maybe I'll have the energy to run with the NF Endurance team and do marathons someday soon! I miss blogging, it is my stress reliever! Better than any medication I have ever found. Since I quit smoking......letting the fingers run across the keyboard helps ward off those cravings that are getting farther and fewer between. I've been smoke free since August 16th. I have also lost some weight since then as well.....not to bad I don't guess....as I really would like to use food as my replacement. Well the headache is becoming too overwhelming again.....looking at the computer screen, so until I can type again; much living, laughter and love........it's because I am filling my life with such!

ICU.........

unfortunately I don't have time to write anything due to another ER visit, but now for my grandma. I'm not sure when I'll be back to blogging again; another season to learn I guess. Hope all is well, and back to school we go to learn our alphabet, numbers, shapes, and colors! Koda still hasn't got to go back to school yet, we'll see in the morning?????

Not as planned..............

due to an emergancy room visit last night w/ Koda to Children's Mercy with the "Bark" of croup. I can't type too much today due to the need to keep him calm. He is continuing to bark and the steam just isn't cutting it. He does much better when it's bitter cold. Too short and heavy to hang out in the freezer :o(. My focus is on him today, so everyone have a very happy and enjoyable Holiday weekend! .............God wants me to sit and listen instead of talk! Hoping to share answers with everyone soon.

Food Journal Blog

If you are interested, I am starting a new blog today for food issues, weight loss, a journey to surgery and post, etc. http://www.free-conscience.blogspot.com/ if you would like to follow.

Just in a moment.............

.....the story is published, and then gone before the eyes of readers the next day. http://www.shawneedispatch.com/news/2009/sep/02/raising-awareness-family-spreads-word-about-neurof/
...the microwave goes out, and Holly has to use the stove to heat something up, wow that's a new experience. .....Koda gets a fever and sounds like the croup, then ohhh he's fine but quite and still before the TV. .......that haunting voice telling me I need a cigarette and then it's gone. .......that still small voice of God is talking to me and then I'm distracted by busyness and ignore it. .......then I realize that moments are only here for that moment; to be cherished and not taken for granted. The choices we make in those moments could be life or death, could be victory or defeat, could be happiness or sorrow, could be passed or failed, could be energy or fatigue, could be gain a pound or lose one, could be heaven or hell, could be accepted or rejected, could be freedom or slavery, could be bright or gloomy, or it could be just the moment God gave to you to take, live in, and find the passion of Him. How do you choose to use your moments?

I choose me for once! There has been a time in my life with a lot of moments where I have lost the moments in life trying to please everyone else, trying to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be, trying, trying, trying only to find out that even though those moments brought me to where I am today; they were wasted moments in the sense of accomplishing what should have been. I'm like everyone else, just going through this life, wandering around aimlessly trying to find my place and purpose. I got caught up in the the running of life as most know it. Everyone running everywhere to get somewhere to only either sit and wait for the next thing, or to hurry to get to the next place so they could get back home to start it all over again. What's the point? Moments........we only have so many with our families, friends, and acquaintences on this earth and I choose  not to waste mine anymore. So, I'm sharing my moments with whomever wants to listen.

I always use to say, wait a moment, in a moment, we will do it later, hold on, maybe tomorrow, can you wait, etc.......none of us have another moment to waste; take a moment to think about what is the most beneficial in your moment. Thinking sometimes can bring the best moments in life.

In this moment, I need to find a position in life that makes me some money to help my husband pay the bills necessary to live life on this earth as we know it. In this moment, I choose to enjoy watching cartoons with my son that isn't feeling so well today, he loves my time. In this moment, I am needing to do a daily food intake log.......and I think I'll build a new blog instead of hold it to myself; it just might help someone else. In this moment, I am so thankful for such an awesome husband that goes over and beyond all the time. In this moment, I am desiring to write a book........what do I do with this moment? Look and see if I can find something that will help me fulfill that desire? Do you know how I would go about doing this? See, not a wasted moment now if someone actually responds to my question. I didn't waste it as a thought. In this moment, I am sharing my life with yours. How you choose to use your moment in this.........is for you to decide.

I spent many of my moments in the bed of depression. I really couldn't get up, get out, or even see anyway out. I believe there is an evil one that likes to keep trying to tell me that I'm still there........what's the use, give up, just forget it, you can't make a difference, people are just going to laugh at you, you will never be anything, you deserve this, nobody even likes you, your husband doesn't even want to be around you, etc.....moments that I decide not to listen to anymore. I choose me! I choose life! I choose to be a positive influence in this life if nothing else to myself.

If I don't get the word out about NF here in KC, is anyone else; well that's not for me to decide, but I am using my moments. If I don't then I may be helping shorten Koda's moments; and I don't want to be helping Death. If I don't take a moment to share about Jesus, then I have wasted a moment that He gave me. That's not very good accountability with time is it. My hope is in Him, and I have found these moments to be from Him; so I want to say that because of Him............I have found life!

Complete craziness.............

Monkey see monkey do, right? Well Koda has decided to mock everything done and said........wow, what a way to hold accountability that I didn't nor anyone else asked for. God has humor, and I love how it works it into our lives.

I don't have any insight this morning because I can't get my mind to settle down enough to write anything productive, helpful, or thoughtful. I have laundry to do, homemade noodles to make, dishes from last night to do, plan the day accordingly as Koda and I both have doctors appointments today. Holly just emailed me from school and she's not feeling well along with an ingrown toenail that I can't get out.......it went too long and now it's really infected. Unfortunately she inherits that from my side of the family. Yuck!

I'm still smoke free, and that will continue to be a daily accomplishment and sometimes down to the minute. I'm mindlessly loosing weight just as the book said I would......it's great and I'm not even trying. Well I have more realization of what I'm doing since I have read the book. It's great and a very educational book in regards to our society; not the normal everyday need to diet and exercise book........you know eat less, move more strategy. Though we all need that reminder daily too. I haven't given up my chocolate or anything really.........it's great, and I blogged about the book before "Mindless Eating". Enough on that, now I'm hungry.

Ok, if I'm going to get anything done today I have to get all my computer stuff done and out of the way........then on to the house chores. Sorry nothing exciting, but I am praising God for another day, another breath, and another day to enjoy the blessings from Him. God bless and have a wonderful day!

Please disregard the craziness of the blogsite for now as I'm working (re-constructing) on it. I'm not so tech savvy when it comes to all this (backgrounds, etc.), thanks to Kristi first off for all her help already. You may check it one time and it'll be all crazy then the next time something else; so just enjoy the humor as I learn.

..............makes the tummy hurt with laughter! Lovin' no routine to life........just live it with joy!

I Quit - Anxious Ahmae's MySpace Blog |

It's been 12 full days now for me........and Aimee I love how you put all this.....I quit too!

I Quit - Anxious Ahmae's MySpace Blog |

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Accomplishments...........

Laundry done, dinner in the oven, bedroom cleaned up, living room vacuumed, dishes done; and I hear the snoring of a husband's nap, the playing and jabbering of a 4 yr old while watching Lion King in his room, the pages turning of a book "Addicted" being read by a teenager.....and the keys of the laptop clicking to a blog. The aroma coming from the kitchen is causing the tummy to rumble......Citrus herb chicken and onion roasted potatoes in the oven! Nothing spectacular today but the comfort of a peaceful home and one full of love. It's nice just to sit and listen sometimes with no distractions of my own such as watching TV, etc. Though no one is talking to each other..........we are definitely in tune with what each are doing; checking in every once in awhile. The air conditioner just kicked on, and there goes the timer for the dinner........gotta go...DISTRACTED....be back after dinner!

Ok back after a small cup of chocolate ice cream.........yummmmmm! I haven't really even thought about those stupid cigs today; again another day and almost another week of accomplishments.............what's yours today? We all have them if we got out of bed, and if you didn't let me know and I'll add you to the prayer list.....we need each other; we want to know that others care enough to listen. I love to listen, much learning comes from it. I find the truth in people when I actually will listen clear down to the consonants and vowels; and watch their facial reactions. That saying, "that actions are louder than words"; a definite watchman verse.

Husband is talking.........I need to listen........now that is an accomplishment when I stop what I'm doing to take the time to listen to my husband about whatever he wants to talk about; because he is important to me so should what he has to say be also. Accomplishments are usually made without words.

.............open ears, listening hearts, and a shut mouth brings much wisdom!

Unselfish.............

http://bit.ly/9wBcj (Read such a precious story)

The purpose of us all really is to step out of ourselves and accomplish that of what is needed by others........how do you get involved, help, donate, or even pray??? Stepping out of yourself takes the Heart of God to get it accomplished! I pray for that daily! It's short and sweet today as we are busy with family advocacy day at school, Shawnee Dispatch doing a paper on NF, Koda and our Ride4Research event in Oct. Back at the blogging ground tomorrow, until then; may your tummies hurt from laughter!.............hearts are blessed!

In the Dew Drop.........

It's hard to find the serenity, peace, joy, and contentment in life when you have been so addicted to something. My life has be overshadowed with a fog of misinterpretation.......it really wasn't me reflecting who I was; or at least no one could see the real person due to the first appearance judgment that we all seem to do. I worked so hard to please........thinking they would all accept me for that; but in-fact many made themselves distant due to not being able to get past the fog....they couldn't see the real heart; and apparently my addiction kept me from being the person I really was. The addiction definitely had me, controlled me, but I was still in there, behind the fog of it all. As I have blogged before about the smell.........ohhhh the smell is extravagant now! Laundry is blissful, and how could anyone say that laundry was anything but just a dirty job; but ohhhh how it smells when its freshly done. I'm inhaling and thanking God for giving us the ability to smell such wonder. Ohhh of course there are those smells that I must say I can do without, but in all we have to take the good with the bad........and the good so overwhelms the bad; or at least that's my choice.

Choice, and I choose to see the little things that are not so apparent to most. Like the rainbow smear (but it could be like a flower in the picture above) in the small dew drop on a sliver of grass this morning..........that's beauty, that only God could create in His true perfection of life. He created us to see it, but all of us seem to have some kind of fog that clogs the vision.......or takes up the time that we don't even look; or do we even care. So selfish sometimes in this life we are; like me saying I need to have another fix.....my prior addiction tries to haunt me daily.......but no it's not the owner of this temple any longer. My addiction is smoking cigarettes; but it's even more dirty than it sounds. It consumes the mind all day long; or at least it tries. It pollutes the air in the house, and lungs of our kids and guests. It discolors the lips and fingers of a long survivor of the addiction. It distorts the breath of our loved ones when it's time for affection......a kiss should never be dirty and disgusting to the senses; but it is! Ohh but we're cool at first, then we're apparently rich to afford them, then we've combined them with other addictions that go along with it such as coffee, alcohol, etc.

My vision is becoming clearer as each day of victory falls asleep............I'm enjoying the senses, breathing like never before, seeing the beauty in everything, and smelling another load of laundry. It's beautiful once the fog is gone; and hopefully everyone will see the beauty that God has placed within me to shine to everyone! May my life be only a blog right now, but a testimony to someone that is in need......................... to see that little sliver of grass that holds the beauty of a rainbow/flower/or just the clearness of life, God promises!

Enemy is at my door............

......or at least the knowledge of what is going on is definitely from the dark side. I see it, and I count it all blessings because the stronger the fight; the more beautiful the outcome. Each area has started to be tested, marriage, kids, health, home, finances, family, and friendships.

Bring it on as my sister-in-law, Lori, would say; is not me inviting the bad to happen but to boost my faith in knowing that blessings are abound. I heard some of the most heart wrenching news today about someone attached to my heart........and know that there is a reason; and God show me and guide me to the place that we need to be so that You can work your miracles. Whether it through me or someone else I do not care, but I give it to You; this is so much bigger than what I can endure, handle, or even think about. Of course, I want to fix it.......make it all better.......but that isn't what needs to happen. Consequences must take place, and I'm on edge to see what happens.

Answered prayers about life sitsuations that cannot be discussed here, but just know that God does hear...........He even cares! Not in our timing, not at all.......but the 11th hour and 59 sec rule around here. The love is too strong and I won't quit; so worthy of my time, attention, and love. No clue what my heart feels, but desires to see it. Guide me so that I can show it with grace. A mountain was melted infront of me today.........His power is strong enough to show us in the midst of the pain.

How funny; went to a different church on Wednesday night; it was a question and answer session.......one of the subjects was about the mountains melting; verses in the bible......I guess I needed to hear that; and now 2 days later it makes sense. Always for a reason, and never by accident........but I am strong becuz of my Lord!

God's Breath.......

.......the fresh breeze coming thru the open windows of such a beautiful morning. 93hrs since my last cigarette, and I have a new sense of smell........it's luxury! Everytime I breathe in it's like a new present, a gift from God that I don't ever remember having. I'm not saying that I couldn't smell before but it was impaired, foggy, and overcasted with the nicotine, smoke, and altered taste as well. It's like being in a down town city w/ smog to the point of not seeing then slowly walking to the country where everything is free, spaced, and vibrant. The sense of smell has as well changed my sense of taste. Everything tastes different.

I was really scared that I might turn to food to fulfill the place that the cigs did; but it's weird, I did ask God for Him to fill it so that I wouldn't fill the void with an unhealthy substance. He has sustained me and filled me with His glory, love, and spirit. I continue to pray for my husband, Rick, that God will be the temptation blocker for him in such trying times at work. Almost everyone smokes there, and being the lead man he is; there is frustrations with people, job, trucks, and just life @ work........as with anyone. He hasn't totally quit yet......I think one cig a day......which is remarkable; but I and He needs to quit; my gosh it was his idea! LOL

I must say there is a greiving process to give up such a love, and it was a love. I was connected, and cigs were always faithful, always there and dependable, gave me a drive like no other.......but when I look back; my priorities were really messed up! Cigs before food, drink, bills, gas, before anything. I couldn't function........really couldn't the first 24-36 hrs of this was terrible. I wanted to scream, pull my hair out, die, kill someone, and I'm sure my family was about to put me out on the streets or admit me. I didn't like who I had become; but in reality that was the real me and cigs only suppressed that like some sick disease. Where was God? He was there I just didn't depend on him to fulfill the void......or did I, I've made it this far; and definitely not on my own. I couldn't have done it, I am too weak; really weak when it comes to..........just go get a pack. I mean the kids have gone to school, no one is here.......go outside so the smell isn't in the house; one won't hurt........ohhhh but devil you are such a liar; and always right there on the other shoulder to whisper sweet lies into my ear! God is stronger and thankfully I hear His voice much stronger.......and then I breathe in..............God's breath!

Raining....

.....can be what you want it to be: depressing, relaxing, music to sleep to, dancing necessity, usher for beautiful flowers and scenery, makes for stupid drivers, God's tears to remind us of what He has done; you choose..........but I choose after what seems to be a week of it.......for it to go away.

Koda's first week of PreK, and he doesn't get to go outside to play on the playground. I'm sure that's a little distrubing to a 4 year old. I would just like to see him get to experience his first week for the next 14 years in a positive way. He is staring out the window so peacefully looking at the rain.

Ok almost 72 hours smoke free........it's getting easier each and every day. I pray I can keep it up; it would be nice if Rick and I could be delivered of it completely. Rick is quitting too.......I just hope the temptation of all the smokers at work doesn't make him crumble. He did consciencely go in later today so he wouldn't do what he used to; just hang out outside w/ the smokers talking until he had to go to work; which included his boss. I bet it can make him feel a little "out " of the group. God fill his needs so that he doesn't turn back.

I guess I need to get Koda ready for school.......Rick and Holly off to work and school; Hoping to be productive today! God Bless!

Where's the structure?

Uhmmm, structure in this house has definitely found it's hiding place. I was just sure when the kids went to school I could set up a daily schedule to live by until a job found me to change it. Chaos, really! What the heck was I thinking.......well it really wasn't my idea I don't think to quit smoking the same week that ohhh lovely Mrs. Monthly comes to visit and the kids starting school......oh and then by the way my husband decides to tell me that he doesn't have to go to work until 11am today instead of 6am at the last hour last night. I didn't realize how much I love a ritual and structured atmosphere. I mean I love spontaneous decisions but not a life of it.......well it's been challenging to not think of mean things to do to people........boy what nicotine/smoking habit can do to you when withdrawing.

Drugs are all bad when it comes to withdrawing.........and I can't imagine having to deal with more than one addiction at a time; but I am; food.......it's sneaky, manipulative, and alluring but only because I allowed it to be. I decide where it is placed on the shelves, refrigerator, and cupboards. I decide what the food is that is brought in, and then I get mad at the food.......uhmmm getting out of the denial that it's my decision, my choice, my desires that have made this what it is.

I'm influencing my kids in a way that is not the best I know.......but at least I am seeing it, and thankful to a very special dr. that has come into my life due to the desire to get this "body" structure remodeled. He has given me homework, a book called "Mindless Eating" by Brian Wansink. Awesome information........actually stuff I thought I knew but I really didn't. Another book, God laid on my mind, for you girls "Captivating"......by Staci and John Edgredge......for the guys "Wild at Heart".....by her husband John Edgredge. I really just dare you to take the moment to indulge in yourself for a moment and find serenity.

Back to reality, a craving is heavy, but it doesn't seem as long today. The thoughts that I really didn't decide to quit this time makes me want to go to the gas station and just buy a pack. I don't want to quit, and I enjoyed my cigs tremendously. Really, sick I know and the stench of them but I liked smoking. I have now made it a full 48 hours.......two days.....why oh why would I want to smoke another one; but I really want one! Just one, maybe just a drag and then ..........oh bologna I know I wouldn't stop with a drag, one, or anything less than just not doing it. Prayer is needed, and let me find my filling in God alone. Until we talk again, thanks for listening!

Another day, another hour, another minute

As I'm watching out the window, the rain is so strong that I cannot see the gas station as I normally do, I'm choosing not to listen to the voice saying............you need a cigarette. I have almost made it a complete day without one, but every second is a fight against it. I choose life, smelling correctly, breathing correctly, endurance, not to pass it on, not to make my kids live with it, but it is by every second, min, hour and will be days then years. I cannot do this on my own, because if I do and fail........then I'm just another failure to myself; I don't like that word.

When I post it, then I am asking for accountability, prayer, and support. I am reaching out to receive all that is out there for me to find serenity in all of this. This I can change, but not without the help. Just like no one can find a cure for NF without help........it has to come from somewhere, and someone has to volunteer. With the economy the way it is, some are holding back tightly to protect themselves. I used to hear it all the time; take care of yourself because no one else will. The bible says to "what good is it to save the world, and leave yourself" of course, I'm paraphrasing. We do have to guard ourselves at some point, but we must also be givers without a selfish heart.

As we know I'm a blogger of each and every thought with no plan when I start; just looking for a way to deal with life in a "normal manner" without going crazy keeping track of stuff all in my head. I release a lot of stress, emotion, and fear when I journal/blog. I have notebooks full of writings that have been my deliverance thru whatever the case might have been. It is just life and for whatever reason; mine includes writing. I'm sure Koda's life will have something to do with trains, planes, automobiles, construction equipment, fire & rescue trucks, and a cape of some sort naming his SuperHero logo/name.

The kids started school today. Halie is in Gainesville @ her dads', Holly and Koda here w/ us. Holly now a Sophomore, and Koda just starting out in PreK. Gap in time most definitely but I have decided Koda is here with us for an eye opening experience and to keep me young. :OP.
My greatest desire is for Koda to finally catch up with his delays this year, and take off learning! I must say having two gifted teenagers, and years of grade cards w/ "A's".......has spoiled me some. Both girls always eager to learn and a drive to succeed. I can only hope that Koda would ever see that. Right now speech, language, processing and retention, are some areas that I pray that he walks out of PreK right where he should be. God give the teachers the patience and experience to help Koda in the only way that they can. Give Koda a mind that thrives to learn, and the ability to do it. Help his tongue and brain to connect correctly so the transmission of hearing words is clear..........as we know his hearing is fine now. I also pray there is no signs of dyslexia; as he has enough to conquer now.

Funny how I can go from talking about cigs to my kid's education........all over the place my brain does go; but walking away with a free/clear conscience is the ultimate serenity. Now all this time with the kids in school; do I nap.........or do I become SuperMommy and get the house all clean, or do I get to job hunting like I should do as all the other will wait. Uhmmm, my eyes are heavy; and there's a mountain of clothes to fold..........job, I have a job; it's called Mommy, but the hubby doesn't see it paying any bills I guess. So for now I'm going to soak up the clear air in my house by breathing deep; enjoying the sound of the strong rain on my porch w/ a metal rooftop, and endure and surpass another moment without a cig. I want a cigarette!

Puzzles

Puzzles! They cannot be called such if they had smooth edges or didn't challenge someone where each piece belongs. CTF.org has a puzzle piece as it's logo, and life gives us times where we definitely want to know where we belong. We are each just a piece of a puzzle in God beautiful picture of creation. Each part of our lives is it's own piece as well. Total chaos in the journey of putting it all together, but boy when it's done........absolutely a perfect fit and beautiful picture.

So as new pieces are being discovered in my life, and trying to put them together..........I have found patience, peace, joy, contentment, empathy, understanding, faith, hope, love, and endurance to be a few of them. Though many times life is not the way I would want it; I do see where I have been challenged, tested, and pushed to make some decisions that effect every part of my life later. Consequences come from those choices whether good or bad. Some come as easy as slicing melted butter and some like an overweight person in very poor health trying to climb the tallest mountain; a struggle. That struggle though is what teaches us the most, not the easy stuff. Sometimes we forget to be thankful with the simple easy parts of life that we are allowed to experience. If nothing ever went wrong, what would be like.......I don't even want to know. Selfish for sure, as we already have that instinct within us. Greedy, uhmmmm that would be off the charts. What would we learn? Nothing!

I have started to write some segments of my life and hope to publish them for all to read. It has several series and/or parts. I'm not sure yet if it will be one big book or a several little ones........letting that just flow by the Grace of God. Pain of life and the journey where it has brought me. There is a lot of pain in this life and The Bible actually reflects on this. I find comfort in knowing that each pain only lasts a while. Thank God, He really doesn't give us more than we can handle........even though I question that when I'm in the midst of it. Puzzles; let's solve them!

Monsters taking lives but God turning it around for the Good!

It still doesn't make it fair. I have read stories after stories these past couple of weeks of precious lil' kids of hero adults that loose their battles with cancer, disorders, diseases, etc. I don't like it at all, but God has a purpose. So many of these funerals end up with people giving their lives over to the Lord, what a witness & miracle within itself. God gave his only son and I have 3 children and don't want to give any! All for me and you (my readers)! Yep, for us to find the true happiness and peace so that we can truly enjoy life with assurance of a better future.

I hate cancer, neurofibromatosis, and anything to do with kids dieing over something they have no control over. Tooo young, but so precious and pure......and we are to have the faith just as they do. It doesn't stop the pain though, it hurts and it hurts bad. Tears not of joy but pure deep sorrow. I never want to be in the position of any of these parents, but at the same time have realized that it is my reality. It really could happen, but I refuse to let it overtake my life; and that's why I write. It's my way of praying as well.

Koda's MRI scan came back clean with no tumors on the spine, but because we have no local NF educated specialist; they didn't realize it was a dermal tumor. We just got back from St. Louis, thanks to the NF clinic @ Cardinal Gleenon Children's Hospital, and they immediately knew just by looking and feeling. We got pretty good news and at least some things are starting to happen. I can't just sit and watch like our pediatrician recommended until something happens. I want to do something to help decrease or stop the growth of this tumor that could eventually really deform, constrict vital organs, or even take him. No, sorry can't just wait. No one referred us to St. Louis, I just knew from others that their was an awesome NF clinic, actually 2 clinics there; so I was bound and determined to find my son some additional options. What any mother would do, right?

I have such big hopes and dreams for my kids, but they are only here for me to take care of and are not really mine, but the Lord's. He made them, and I'm responsible to take care of them. I heard a bit of some exciting news from my youngest girl........she's home sick, uhmmmm and wants to come back home. Yea!!!!!!!! I won't get my hopes up just yet, she is a teenage girl; and definitely has the potential to change her mind. Makes for a happy momma though to know that I apparently wasn't so bad that she's willing to come back to live with me. No one knows, and please don't post anything about this on FB, MySpace, or anywhere else........she hasn't decided yet, her dad doesn't know and I don't want anything to happen to cause any problems for her.

Boy, it's been a long while, but I so needed to let my hands fly. After living most of my life using sign language due to my mom being deaf.......then losing her in a horrible traffic accident when pregnant w/ Koda.....my hands just fly when typing. I really write down way to much before I think. Venting.......better this way than a fight w/ someone or something. God has chosen me to have a child w/ cerebral palsy, one with neurofibromatosis, and one exact copy of me......purpose? Not sure, but I do know that the one that is an exact copy was a way to pay me back for all I had done. I so gave my granny an apology for all that she had to put up with. I have fabulous kids, and am very blessed to be their mom. Thank you Lord for such an opportunity to get to know these kids to the heart, and also allowing their issues to lead me to new friends, gained hope, and a driven purpose! I appreciate everyone who has stayed connected, concerned, and most of all faithful in prayers. Life could be so much worse, and I thank God it's not! Until next time, hope all is well with you and yours! May you be under the showers of blessings! Hugs!

It's been awhile.....

It's been awhile.....since I've blogged. Talk about busy, gosh between moving, Koda's MRI's and dr. appts., living w/ family till we moved, looking for a place, Rick's promotion to days and lead mechanic for the shop, the NF walk coming up on Sat., plans for my birthday, cleaning, doing the daily duties of life........I'm wore out! Heading to the hospital today for another MRI on Koda's new growth on his spine, and praying it's "nothing". Twitter, Facebook, Freecycle, Craigslist has kept me busy as well. So when things settle down a bit, I'll be back fulltime. It's a pouring rain storm here today, really would rather take a nap, lol. Happy Blogging! Have a blessed day!

It's National NF (Neurofibromatosis) Awareness Month..May.....ask how you can help! Everyday 115 babies are born w/ NF........there is no cure.