Wow...what a day! As I was reminiscing over the wonderful weekend we had and thought about the moment...I faced my own personal fears and found out some things about myself. I've always said I was afraid of heights. In the process of all that has went on; I went to search out and process this fear a little deeper this evening. What I realized is that it's not the fear of heights I have...
I literally have been on only a couple ferris wheels in my life and each time was an excruciating power of fear that literally takes my breath away, causes me to slam my eyes shut and pray for the ride to end. I've never been able to enjoy a ferris wheel ride. I've been on hundreds of roller coaster rides...the trip up to the top; same experience but I can look to my feet knowing it's going to be over in just a minute (the climb up) and there's usually a tight harness or car surrounding me. The ride itself is never the problem; actually I love it.
It's my feet coming off of solid ground is where I lose it. Now on a ferris wheel it's not over in a minute, and there's multiple turns over and over with stops in mid-air...ohhh no! Watching me feet the whole time or slamming the eyes tightly shut doesn't work in a ferris wheel because I've watched way too many horror movies; I guess. I can feel the swing of the cart...ugh! It's okay to laugh, I get it...but I am not laughing I promise you when on such a ride.
So for my birthday and for our son to be able to experience yet another first as well as me...I decide that since this was the end of launch week for Simply LOLA; I was going to end it with a bang by climbing into a helicopter. Face my fear of heights, well I didn't know if I would be anxious or not because I have always been fine in a plane (only been on 2 in my life and didn't have window seats). I didn't know what to expect.
Fear, anxiety, nervous...all of it can make your body and mind run rampant. The tornado of emotions that take over when the anticipation becomes more than you "think" you can bear. Where does that come from? What in my life had caused me to "feel" like this? I had never fallen out of control except for in dreams...and those always wake me up. So all was good until we lifted off the ground and the helicopter slid sideways in the air...my mind says I'm not supposed to be sideways and the fear overtook. I slammed my eyes shut, breathing almost fast enough to go into a full hyperventilation and handed hubby the phone. Thank God for sign language and that he too reads and speaks it...I said you take the pics in ASL!
The entire ride was only 6 minutes but the first 3 was a lifetime and such a waste of fearful time. I knew this was possibly the only time I would ever be up in a helicopter, and I so wanted to enjoy it. I seriously couldn't come to terms with anything during the first half except that I want down, out, and I can't breathe. Then like a swift wind of reassurance and peace came over me the moment I said; God you have to have this because I'm out of control here! I looked down and over the entire world below me...Ahhhh! What splendor and beauty! In that moment all was right with the world. Beautiful, awe, complete perfection without a flaw; my eyes captured every essence of creation. There's no evil here, there's actually a sense of release of needing control, and a place in which to fulfill serenity within the heart, mind, and soul here. I enjoyed those last 3 minutes with much happiness in my heart.
I wish to do it again someday. Did I just say that?
The doors/windows right there by my side reminded me of when I was on the road in a cabover semi and we went over a bridge...I could see the river below and it scared me then. These flashbacks of different scenarios ran through my head. I remembered being on top of a tall building looking down over the Plaza in Kansas City, MO and thinking...heights are not my issue; being in control of my feet being on solid ground is the issue. In that truck, my feet though on the floor board, was not on solid ground. My feet on a rollercoaster climbing the anticipation of the drop is not on solid ground. My feet in a helicopter is not on solid ground. In an airplane my feet are also not on solid ground...but I am encaged with the body of the airplane above the waist in which gives me comfort. On most rollercoasters that have some type of siding to the car; I am okay. It's when there's a view straight down beside me and no solid footing on Earth that I lose it. I discovered so much about myself on this ride of a lifetime. Now the hubby says...sky diving is next. #adrenalinerush
So I feared not being on solid ground, that God isn't really in control, and what the lies in my head were telling me. I was going to fall, I was yet again going to be out of control and that in itself brings chaos, I cannot trust another human, I was going to die, and that God doesn't take care of me. Trusting another human...now that's one I still have to work on; I don't fear them but I sure don't trust them. I'm not so sure we're supposed to, but I have come to realize that expectations of another don't always come through. When those expectations aren't met...we tend to think the worst of another or ourselves. Don't fall into that trap. Not one human can be your everything...and it's not fair to expect it. That's too much weight to bear.
So this is all for you out there that have yet to face your fears head on... #thestruggleisreal
Isaiah 41:10...Do not fear! (multiple other verses can be found on not being fearful)
The higher we soar the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly. — Friedrich Nietzsche
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Simply LOLA
