Decluttering...the ultimate betrayal

Betrayal...makes your mascara run!

I can say my life is by no way an accident, I have purpose and so do you. There's just way too many circumstances, tragedies, experiences, and such that I have personally went thru for it to not be of value to someone. The only way I have survived is by knowing thru my vulnerability, my story, my moments of rawness that someone is helped, understood, validated, and given hope. I've been decluttering & simplifying my home since August 1st, and if I would've known what I know this minute...I don't know that I would've started it. Now comes a season of decluttering & simplifying my emotions even though I didn't "ask" or "want" to.

Like the last couple days...Sometimes all I can do is cry it all out because there's no one I can talk to about such matters except for God. Which by the way, I realize is the only one to talk to...He's the only one who can do anything about it anyway. It's a twisted tangled mess that includes way too many people, so talking about it isn't an option. I'm a talker...so God has got His ears filled these last couple days with slurred words, blubbering noises, and whaling that even a toddler can't produce.

"I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God." ~Psalm 69:3. Until I have more clarification (because I can't trust my judgments right now), His Word is where I turn. I'm not alone there. What scares the "be Jesus" out of me...is exactly that; He was different, and didn't comply with the world nor their rules of normalcy. If I was to talk to anyone...they would in-fact think I was sick and have lost my mind. How in world could I go down this road? See, it's about forgiveness. It's about a forgiveness that isn't talked about. It's about despite the world view of how I should respond...I'm choosing to forgive. Believe me...I want to run away from this situation, and in the world's eyes I'd have validation for it.

Can I forgive at that level. That kind of forgiveness means to forget as God has forgotten...uhm, that's deep, that's hard, and to be honest I don't know if I can. I'm human...so is that kind of forgiveness possible? I don't know if I can live with myself if the consequences of it coming back to yet again be repeated. That's not my job tho...I don't know that...So, do I trust God that won't happen? I don't know if I can be like Jesus here. I thought for sure I was a follower...but, I can follow all day long. It's the "be like" Him that for the first time in my life...I just don't know that I can. See, I can forgive those whom do something to me ohhh how I wish this was anything like that. I've had to forgive my abusers, my naysayers, my parents, my grandparents, my friends, my kids, people from past relationships, all of that...so I thought I had forgiveness down.

But see the real issue here...is will I forgive myself for the decision that comes after the forgiveness. Do I stay, do I go, and whichever I do with this; will we be okay? The unknown is scary as hell. Sure there's people that if I had committed suicide and left a note with the story that would've said, "I wish she would've said something, I would've helped"...those people really aren't there like that. Those words come only when they are safe from having to fulfill such a need. I'm speaking from experience here because I've asked in the past...and that's when everyone seems to have not seen your message, it's urgency is dismissed, and is it even their responsibility? So yes, my past tends to help me make my decisions. I'm not going to share the tragic darts of this situation to find out no one is there to help with human effort. Again, a light bulb moment and reflection back to myself...am I there for others in this way? Seriously! Are we all so shut down behind the "knowing what they'd all would say and do" so why do it...then we sit in our pit of mire alone. All alone...well not Spiritual speaking but humanly speaking yes.

So...today I turn to God in my turmoil. It's Him alone that can do anything about it anyway. I do wonder what this is going to do for someone else...If I can't talk about it then how can I help another. It's my story but I'm involved deeply and entangled with so many more that it's not my place to put them out there. God help us!

A meme came across my screen that put it all into place for me along with the faithful prayers of some caring friends....If you went to Heaven, and God said...I forgive you to the same measure you gave forgiveness...how forgiven would I be? Matthew 6:15 "but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses". Ohhh do I need forgiveness too! Anybody else?

So, I'm not running away or ending the relationship of the one that has ultimately betrayed me...I'm going to embrace it...with healthy boundaries, stated expectations and not naive to being co-dependent, enabling, or excusing the behavior...Jesus didn't leave me when I've betrayed Him, so I'm not leaving this one either. May we all in this entangled mess allow Jesus to untie the knots in due time. Friendships are valuable & forgiveness is growth in the hardest sense of the word.

Release & Believe has never been so confirmed in my life as it is right now...this business in which I get the privilege of running will be stronger than ever because of my experiences. It's more than oils, it's being real with people in their situation, connecting on a personal level, and it's more than releasing...it's the power that comes in the changing ones intentions to affirmations & seriously believing it. I'm seeing a developing inner circle of support for those whom have been betrayed. If you'd like to have a connection, let me know. Thank you Jesus for allowing me to sit with you in your betrayal so that I may learn.


 #bedifferent #callustheweirdos #iwannabelikejesus #releaseandbelieve #inmyrawyouarenotalone

Day 8-12...God will move you

...and He'll make sure you don't accidentally go somewhere you're not supposed to either after this week of seeking homes. What a mess! We called on 6 different homes, left messages, and to receive  notta, nothing, no calls back on any of those. We went to look at another; NOPE...I wouldn't suggest a terrorist even live there. Ewww! Had another I really liked and well...after emailing and talking on the phone, I was to get an email with the website for an application to fill out and the lock code to go in for viewing. Nope, notta, nothing returned with any such info on that either. Guess you can say...those weren't the right ones. So we're back to the first one we looked at and applied for...more tomorrow on that. (All of this happened from day 8-11)

So back to Day 8: Zoey, our dog they took (That story is here) and we aren't getting back failed her assessments, so she was put down. Day 8 was devastating to me, so pretty much nothing got done except lots of kleenex, cold washrags, and tears; that's enough about that.

From that moment on it's been like being in the passing lane at full speed as we're trying to find a gas station because we're about out of gas.

Day 9: Productivity started back up for the monkeys in my circus. Pay Day! Direct Deposit Happy Dance, LOL!! We started getting things out of here and into storage. We had to make some decisions before doing anything else to make sure the budget was up for all that needed to happen and that could possibly come up. So, we decided that we would be out of this house by the 1st so we didn't have to pay rent here and not have enough for another if we found one. (OMGolly...where are we going to go; we haven't got a house yet! Just one thought that came across my mind.) Uhh, was that the right thing to do; I don't know...but it is absolutely what we had to do. I mean our current landlords did tell us that if we moved out sooner than the end of July (oh yeah, because we are now getting an official 30 days to move letter on the 1st...ugh) that they would reimburse us that amount. So, for them...this is a good thing right? They're going to get it on the 1st! I've gotta find something good in it. So one week left to pack up and get out! We can do this!! That evening we were blessed with the presence of my youngest daughter and her fiancé. It was nice to have the company that I didn't have to entertain and could do what I needed to do.

Day 10: The daughter so kindly takes the other small sibling to the movies so we can go house hunting which I already mentioned above was a fail! Early evening we took a break from packing, etc to go to the hubby's work event called Family Fun Day at Eberly Farms. It was hot...thank God for pools! The hubby took part in the washer tournament with his partner in crime that also has a lame hand. Two men both hurt their prominent hands this week...they were out first round. :(

They had paintball targets, petting zoo, zip line, hay rides, barrel rides, playground, mini golf, unlimited popcorn, drinks and cotton candy, and most of all an amazing dinner including grilled chicken, pulled pork, potato salad, baked beans, chips, and ice cream. It made for a great evening with the family.

Day 11: All of us but the hubby and boy slept in until almost 10am. I haven't done that in a coon's age. I'm always usually up between 5-6 no matter what time I go to bed. I must have needed it. Woke up to the boys and trailer being gone with some big items missing from the living room. Wow, they loaded all that and I didn't hear a thing. My hubby is stealthy that way...ever so quite when doing anything; but how I didn't hear the kid is beyond me? Coffee was made; He loves me! After my "have to have it quiet time every morning" time...I started in on breakfast. The young adults rousted up at that time and the finance went running over to storage to see if he could help; quickly coming back as they were all done. We ate, chit chatted a bit, and the girl went through her stuff I was sending home (yes, every report card, drawing, paper, health records, pictures, every single thing I had kept for her since birth is out of here!!). Thankfully she brought his truck; she was loaded. :)

Day 12: Sent the kiddo to camp! We took another load to storage, went to get more boxes and mattress covers...and well just more packing, etc. Nothing exciting that I could post about today. I will say I'm questioning the house we'll hear about; only because it takes the kiddo away from getting to go to camp, his friends that he enjoys so much there, the respite I get from there (let's be honest here...I love respite). New schools (well he was going to have to go to a new school anyway but it would include people he already knew, and they were already prepared for him since we had the transition meeting back at the beginning of May). New neighbors, routes, business', routine, time traveling, wait, stop...I've not signed a lease yet! Breathe!

We found out today that our famous and ever so awesome pharmacist Chad was no longer with the company...Big red flag to us that it's time for us to move on. That's why we've been having so many issues with our meds lately. I found this out while on the phone to find out why they had auto filled one of K's meds with a 300 mg instead of the 100 mg like last month. Long boring story with all that so I will not bore you with such details. Two more days until we find out about Ozzy and if we'll be bringing him back home. Four more days until we're out of this house. God has a plan and we're going to continue to trust in Him.

Thank you so much for the ones who call, message, and text checking on us when I'm socially quiet. I appreciate you all so much for caring enough to follow the journey, and I absolutely cannot wait to expose the Glory of God's perfect provisions. Every time He has made a way for us in some very crazy scenarios. We knew for a while we were headed to move; but He apparently wants it to be NOW!

Blessings~
Simply LOLA

Isolated in grief...while everyone else is living...

...do you not notice, I'm dying here in grief. I'm broken and I'm lost! No I don't want to talk, no I don't want to get out of bed, no I can't sleep with the reels of my loved one running through my head. I can't stop the flashbacks of what happened; and why would I want to go to sleep just to be reliving that horrific dreadful moment. How am I to go on? Why if God is good, did this happen to me? I'm so mad at God! My heart is broken, my thoughts are stuck, and now I'm just numb. I've cried to the point I can't cry anymore. It's someone's fault and they must pay! I'm mad at the person who left me behind, alone, and to deal with all the people that were part of our lives! I don't care if God wanted another angel or if this was part of his plan...what about me? The thoughts go on and on...and before this horrific event; one would've never thought such things. You probably haven't either unless you have been dealt such cards. But this is no game; it's the reality of grief. Who can get back to life as it was...that person isn't there?

Yes and it will never be the same. You will travel through many firsts the first year. You will go through all the steps of grief, and it's not a road any of us want to endure. And you'll travel that journey whether you want to or not. When everyone goes back to their lives as it always has been for them; you will still be at this place doing without the one you love. Every emotion that is possible you will encounter when it's not expected and in those please know, you are not alone. People will say things that will strike you in a wrong way, and remember they are only trying to help & console the best they can without any experience in such a journey. There's no time frame for healing, grief, or acceptance...and you may even question or quit your faith. It's all ok. Keep sharing your life, reaching out; with the pictures, the journey, and the love that you two shared...there's many of us that need to be reminded; life is short. You are loved and I'm so sorry that you have to endure this journey so soon. 

This last paragraph was a comment I left on social media for a family member whom just lost her husband within the week. Death stings the people left behind and sometimes it's as if it's an deathly allergic reaction; consuming the mind, body, and soul...to the point they actually die, feel like they are going to, or want to.

These rollercoaster feelings (that some just work so hard not to feel) exacerbate when we must journey through such grief. We don't get to choose when this happens, and in this we will never have control. I have found that these very steps also are gone through in all types of grief though maybe not to the intense degree. Not just death but divorce, broken relationships of any degree, childhood trauma, failure of expectations whether self or another, a diagnosis of a child that changes your entire world, a health diagnosis for self, and it goes on and on. 

We must be thoughtful with our words to those going thru such...sometimes a hug or a card stating thinking about you is much more heart touching than anything you can actually say. Most of the time they cannot hear you anyway because the grief is so LOUD.You may be a light in this world but to them there is dark, thick storm clouds between you and them; they can't see it.They may not answer the text, door, FB post, etc because they just can't; don't take that personally...it's not you.  You can ask, what's the best way to help...but really most can't answer that because they have no idea. The only thing that would really help is having their loved one back. 

This is dedicated to my grieving friend, family member, and sister in Christ...Linda Spalding Kirchoff. May each and everyday you never forget how much you are loved and impacting the world with your story. At this time, you may not care to share but in time there will be a place and persons in which you will be the only one that can help them feel "known and not alone". Your marriage to Mike was a beautiful one that cultivated amazing children that also impact others that many never get to experience at the level you did...so thank you for showing all of us what an example of "fun and in love" looks like. I'm so sorry it was cut off short. Much love!

Launch day...a journey of significance

Live Video from today...watch first.

As I watch my natural silver highlights grow out, the skin upon my hands wrinkle,
death of family fall all around me, and the friends struggle in different areas in their lives...drove me to question so many things. My mind was going crazy with what's next? I don't have that much longer on earth to live and what will I leave behind? I'm not leaving "stuff" to be disregarded and trashed...I want to leave with someone who's life was improved, empowered, healed, and served by my love for them.

So about those birds...there's two significant things that I got from the birds flying into the net. The first was that even though they looked like fools flying right into a net, they got back up and flew off like they had no other choice. I know when I make a mistake or look like a fool in whatever area of life, I tend to stay down and drown in my sorrows. :( That's not the place to be as it brings no benefit to anyone. If I stay down anymore I hope I'll just take a moment to process what could've been different, what choices I can take for the next event, and allow myself to be human with mistakes, foolish decisions, etc.

Secondly, the birds taught me that maybe I shouldn't be following to begin with. If I'm following, there is NO way to see the obstacles up ahead. If I'm following, I'm going to fall into the trap along with the one I'm following. We're tied up in following these days especially on social media, our significance is in how many followers, friends, etc that we have...and that is just leading one to a place of discouragement, disappointments, and blocking the path in which you have been designed to take. If we're on another person's journey when then in fact cannot be completing our purpose in life.

We are each uniquely designed to "give" to the world a part of us that no one else can. Through that statement we then are given all that make us complete in this life. I'm so thankful for the broken chains of weight called popularity and acceptance. I'll be completely honest that I felt like a total idiot after doing that video and the abundance of fear that weighed me down in anticipation to do the video about killed me, but YOU....the many that have messaged me, commented, and called already gave me the confirmation that I did step out in the right direction today. Confirmation of what I question is my calling is being fulfilled each minute. I love you all and care about you! So look out in front of you, and not your past or current struggle but at the forest awaiting in front of you with a journey only you can enjoy, only you were designed for, and conquer the world in which only you can!! :)

Happy National Donut Day...can you tell I really would like to have one, but I won't. Please let me know if you had a donut for me. :) You are significant...you have a purpose...LAUNCH!

A song for you!