Confessions of Jealousy/Envy

Eww! Who wants to go there, though we all have at times? I’ve been yet again convicted to write because I am a writer, but (there’s that procrastination word and one that in my book reasons quietly under “failure”) I’ll never have what it takes or even have a listening ear that is impacted, a reader interested enough to read it, no one follows my kind of topics, I’ll never be paid to do it; so why do it? So, what brings up this discussion?

I downloaded an app recently that was suggested by the She Speaks Conference 2015 called First 5. This conference is something that I’ve longed to be a part of or at least go to; hoping to learn what it takes to be “successful” (that word is distorted in my perception of what it really looks like…different for each person I’m assured, but being paid to do it would be the ultimate favor of God). I could never go because I truly cannot afford to go in my current financial place. I have a special needs son that I couldn’t find care for him long enough to attend. All these excuses and the word never can really bring someone down. Can I ever be okay with never getting to attend? Jealousy sets in for those who get to go; and even more if it’s someone I know. :( Pitiful, I can’t celebrate with them due to my own selfishness and pride. 

By downloading this app; I decided I’d actually check out what it had to offer.

Honestly, the reason behind me seeking today’s devotion and what it had to offer was because I have felt a nudge yet again to write; and more confirmations have followed that nudge. I was seeking would God give me a yet another confirmation today through the app? Ohhh did He! Not only confirmation did I get, along came a greater conviction; I pray it brings healing.

Today’s 5 minutes with God is going to take way more than 5 minutes; it’s titled, Wanting What You Have. A lovely quote tops off the page, “Contentment is the key to experiencing success” by Wendy Pope. I almost didn’t read it because its first appearance had nothing to do with me writing. I was so wrong. It had everything to do with my not writing. It’s the very reason I get stuck and then quit. The little but loud phrases that enter my ear stating; I can’t, No one cares, No one will read it or be impacted, You can’t afford to self publish and no publisher is ever going to take you on, your grammar and language skills are not up to par, blah, blah, blah. Who wants that yelling in their ear; not me, so I quit.

After reading the devotion and digging deeper, I found myself processing the “My Moment” question…”Is there someone whose success you envy? How can you begin to celebrate them today?” Then it has a place for you to respond and keep your ideas, thoughts, answers, notes called “My Moments”. My response to that was this, I copied the verse 1 Timothy 6:6-8 (NIV); 6 But godliness with contentment is great gain. 7 For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. 8 But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.

Envy/jealously has caused me to get stuck and quit especially if others’ success topic is in the same realm of mine (writing, speaking, and women’s ministry). Is there someone, you ask? There’s too many! I know the perception is off because there’s only one me and one of them. We’re all given separate gifts, talents, callings in life to build on and share the encouragement of Christ and all He has to offer. We are to share so we too can be known and to know each other, making a way so we can acknowledge we’re not alone.

I can begin celebrating by first confessing this sin to God, then to someone else so that I may be healed. God help me. I can’t move into what you have in store for me, and now I see clearly why I’ve been stuck. Who knows, my beginnings just might be writing about the celebrations of others? Ohhh that last sentence is deep and hard but came out on paper quicker than I can process it in my head. Yikes! God is good and he has a plan for each of us; including me.

So after typing all that in; a thought…I’ve gotta call one of my accountability partners, Amy Dmyterko, Founder and Speaker of Tell It Ministries and confess. Not only confessing my conviction of the day but also letting her know that she was also one of those that I envied. Yuck! I hated to say it but I knew I had too. So I celebrate her today; you’ll not find another that will make your belly hurt with laughter pains, impact you for a lifetime, and make you jealous. A beautiful woman inside and out; and guess what she makes mistakes too just like us. She’s a woman after Christ and willing to tell it like it is. Kudo’s to you Amy; I’m so happy for where you’ve come, been, gone, but more excited about where God is taking your ministry and you personally. Hugs girl!!

As my story unfolds…May you be encouraged, impacted, or if nothing else entertained by my transparency in the trips, falls, and pit dwellings (ohh wait, and my success’) on my journey of life. I am a writer  (for that very statement I have to give credit to someone who doesn't know me but has been a part of this initial recent convictions to get back to writing due to his email in regards to stating my identity. Thanks Jeff Goins for your encouragement). 

So, with that I will be content because I have food and clothing. :)

 

Disclosure: As always I do have my own dictionary; meaning I make up words, spell them however I like and that’s ok. Forgive my errors for I am just a human no less or better than you. Be Blessed and be thankful you don't have to be one of those whom have to listen to my dictionary of words. Pray for my husband and kids!

Reflection perceptions

This new journey for me moving to Valley Center from Kansas City has really brought an early detection of Freedom. At the end of 2012, I felt like the word "prepare" was given to me as the word of the year for '13. For those whom know me from the city, do know that '13 was a prep year for me. Our family had just finished out of a year's worth of daily chemo for Koda in Jan. '13 and a entire battle with the school system that failed the safety of Koda by him being locked out of school for over an hour, my husband's job had became a bit dysfunctional in kind words that gave us a scare, we were involved in delivering weekly back-snacks for kids whom might not have food for the weekend, my grandma whom adopted me at 14 was facing the horrors of Alzheimer's and depression (which we've now brought down to Wichita with us), we consistently took care of and prayed with a group of homeless people who lived under a bridge, we were challenged on how much we could give away and survive ourselves, we built new support groups, study groups, and challenged discipleship. We built....wait, some conviction here...we didn't do anything but listen to what we felt as if God was asking us to do and only by Him did we do anything. Ok, that's cleared up.

Rick faithfully worked with New Life Family Church's food pantry to load and unload food from Harvester's to feed the average 800 people a month. Food Pantry video (now it's over 1000) These are the public things that were called of us not to mention the "prepare" spiritually, emotionally, and the healing that happened in the quiet background of all of this that I won't share here. (this is Kudos to an awesome God we serve...if you know us personally it's miraculous that we're alive honestly)

Ok, so prepared we got which was then in preparation of a move that has a story of God's perfect details down to the house in which we live right now....now what? The word for the year of 2014 is FREEDOM for me personally, and I'm hoping my entire family and friends will see, grow, and be brought to a place of freedom themselves. What does freedom mean for me? Well it's just now the end of January, and I'll start blogging them.

Freedom of some FEARS: I've carried for a very very long time that are stories within themselves. I kid you not that would bring to a place of paralyzed, and so I will later blog about each of these fears.

Fear #1:

Finding a creative side of me...I painted for the very first time last night at Let's Paint Wichita. Which is the painting above that actually is the reason for today's blog. Reflections I found have quite the differences of perspective from each author, reader, painter, teacher, student, friend, parent, sibling, neighbor, musician, listener, cook, etc by what sense you use to determine that perspective. I know neither of the women on each side of me knew what I was thinking, feeling, or anything else at the time because really each were concerned at getting the appropriate brush, correct color, placing exactly where they were instructed to do so. I noticed that not all were listening to the instructor either just as they should have because of either they were so hyper-focused on perfection or what the girl/guy next to them were saying. 

Quite the observation I must say. Way too fun for me...I soaked up each moment, each level of anxiety, each joke and each sarcastic word said, I felt the fear, anxiety, and the tension of room...which brought me to a place of "you're not alone even among these "been doing this a long time" people". I found no one could perfect the reflection in the water no matter how hard they tried. Reflection always has a distortion to me even in the mirror...see it all goes with what else does the reflection have to share it's story? Lighting, color, clearness of the water/mirror, whatever.

My freedom from this fear is that I had a distorted reflection of my creativity. It's not that expected my paintings to be perfect or anything I create to be but that I created and this fear failed. It no longer has a hold of distortion. I can create, I will create, actually I've been shown through this that I have always been an original creator...in relationships. There's no other me...and that's creative. 

Until the next fear failed is shared...Be you, Be original, and Be!! 

This picture is from (https://www.facebook.com/HeartCenteredRebalancing)