 |
| Betrayal...makes your mascara run! |
I can say my life is by no way an accident, I have purpose and so do you. There's just way too many circumstances, tragedies, experiences, and such that I have personally went thru for it to not be of value to someone. The only way I have survived is by knowing thru my vulnerability, my story, my moments of rawness that someone is helped, understood, validated, and given hope. I've been decluttering & simplifying my home since August 1st, and if I would've known what I know this minute...I don't know that I would've started it. Now comes a season of decluttering & simplifying my emotions even though I didn't "ask" or "want" to.
Like the last couple days...Sometimes all I can do is cry it all out because there's no one I can talk to about such matters except for God. Which by the way, I realize is the only one to talk to...He's the only one who can do anything about it anyway. It's a twisted tangled mess that includes way too many people, so talking about it isn't an option. I'm a talker...so God has got His ears filled these last couple days with slurred words, blubbering noises, and whaling that even a toddler can't produce.
"I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God." ~Psalm 69:3. Until I have more clarification (because I can't trust my judgments right now), His Word is where I turn. I'm not alone there. What scares the "be Jesus" out of me...is exactly that; He was different, and didn't comply with the world nor their rules of normalcy. If I was to talk to anyone...they would in-fact think I was sick and have lost my mind. How in world could I go down this road? See, it's about forgiveness. It's about a forgiveness that isn't talked about. It's about despite the world view of how I should respond...I'm choosing to forgive. Believe me...I want to run away from this situation, and in the world's eyes I'd have validation for it.
Can I forgive at that level. That kind of forgiveness means to forget as God has forgotten...uhm, that's deep, that's hard, and to be honest I don't know if I can. I'm human...so is that kind of forgiveness possible? I don't know if I can live with myself if the consequences of it coming back to yet again be repeated. That's not my job tho...I don't know that...So, do I trust God that won't happen? I don't know if I can be like Jesus here. I thought for sure I was a follower...but, I can follow all day long. It's the "be like" Him that for the first time in my life...I just don't know that I can. See, I can forgive those whom do something to me ohhh how I wish this was anything like that. I've had to forgive my abusers, my naysayers, my parents, my grandparents, my friends, my kids, people from past relationships, all of that...so I thought I had forgiveness down.
But see the real issue here...is will I forgive myself for the decision that comes after the forgiveness. Do I stay, do I go, and whichever I do with this; will we be okay? The unknown is scary as hell. Sure there's people that if I had committed suicide and left a note with the story that would've said, "I wish she would've said something, I would've helped"...those people really aren't there like that. Those words come only when they are safe from having to fulfill such a need. I'm speaking from experience here because I've asked in the past...and that's when everyone seems to have not seen your message, it's urgency is dismissed, and is it even their responsibility? So yes, my past tends to help me make my decisions. I'm not going to share the tragic darts of this situation to find out no one is there to help with human effort. Again, a light bulb moment and reflection back to myself...am I there for others in this way? Seriously! Are we all so shut down behind the "knowing what they'd all would say and do" so why do it...then we sit in our pit of mire alone. All alone...well not Spiritual speaking but humanly speaking yes.
So...today I turn to God in my turmoil. It's Him alone that can do anything about it anyway. I do wonder what this is going to do for someone else...If I can't talk about it then how can I help another. It's my story but I'm involved deeply and entangled with so many more that it's not my place to put them out there. God help us!
A meme came across my screen that put it all into place for me along with the faithful prayers of some caring friends....If you went to Heaven, and God said...I forgive you to the same measure you gave forgiveness...how forgiven would I be? Matthew 6:15 "but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses". Ohhh do I need forgiveness too! Anybody else?
So, I'm not running away or ending the relationship of the one that has ultimately betrayed me...I'm going to embrace it...with healthy boundaries, stated expectations and not naive to being co-dependent, enabling, or excusing the behavior...Jesus didn't leave me when I've betrayed Him, so I'm not leaving this one either. May we all in this entangled mess allow Jesus to untie the knots in due time. Friendships are valuable & forgiveness is growth in the hardest sense of the word.
Release & Believe has never been so confirmed in my life as it is right now...this business in which I get the privilege of running will be stronger than ever because of my experiences. It's more than oils, it's being real with people in their situation, connecting on a personal level, and it's more than releasing...it's the power that comes in the changing ones intentions to affirmations & seriously believing it. I'm seeing a developing inner circle of support for those whom have been betrayed. If you'd like to have a connection, let me know. Thank you Jesus for allowing me to sit with you in your betrayal so that I may learn.
#bedifferent #callustheweirdos #iwannabelikejesus #releaseandbelieve #inmyrawyouarenotalone
