as we celebrate K's 12th birthday today, all was fine until...we shaved his head. Then the indention of the hole in his head was vivid, the deformities of the skull were clear, and that dang mass of a tumor showed it's horror. I cried. We all can mask things all so well with cover ups, filters, airbrushing, and suppressing the emotions that bring discomfort, so we don't have to deal with it at least not at the moment. With all that removed, we are raw, vulnerable, and authentic...for most that is too hard. I can't live like that, I can't fake it, I can't pretend it's all ok...and I don't want to. When you find freedom from all the gunk of what society shows as being successful, beautiful, popular, etc...one gets to be REAL. All I care about is real, because see no matter how much hair covers his head...it doesn't cover the fact of reality. Being real brings relationships into fullness, brings purpose to life, brings emotions to the surface where one can cope in the moment instead of pushing it deep into the spirit...causing one to act out to a current situation trying to cope with a past issue that is extinct.
K has clearly stated he doesn't believe he'll make it out of surgery. He is nervous to leave his family, but knows that there is a beautiful eternity awaiting him. We're blessed knowing this confidence & faith he has to the deepest core of his being. We also know that he talks with his Savior a whole lot, and we don't doubt for a minute that he might just know more than we do. We trust that with everything we have. Some have questioned how I can even talk like that...well, reality is...it's a fact that he might just not make it. Death is real for all of us. Death isn't something to fear, but to embrace if you are a believer that there is a life hereafter. We do! Am I fearful, no. Am I worried, no. Am I angry, no. Am I looking for someone or something to blame, no. Am I sad, yes!I'm sad no matter how this turns out. I'm sad because if he continues to explode that charismatic energy & creative imagination all over this world, he will still be at a constant risk making it through each day of life managing pain, more skull surgeries, and keeping a flow to the carotid and other arteries. I don't know if you know how in depth the risk is that this tumor has on his carotid & airway. The medical team has expected a stroke for years. So we're blessed we have had this long. We celebrate and fight daily. I'm sad of course if he doesn't make it...I won't have him here, but see I will see him someday again & knowing he won't have Neurofibromatosis, pain, and social disconnection from everything he wants to be a part of will make it easier to cope.
I want everyone to know right now tho...I feel as if God has shown me something else, and I'm publicly announcing it now. I was relieved of a burden that I was emotionally carrying in regards to the previously homeowner. Their son died in this house...in K's room. Going through an AFT session, I was given the release of carrying it because it was physically putting me in the deepest depression I've ever experience tho I didn't know what it was. I don't believe for one minute that it's K's time to go. I think he's got too much of a testimony for it to end now. I'm standing on that with 100% confidence. I really don't doubt it.I am so thankful for a husband and the daddy K has...he's remarkable support, encouragement, and well you can't get any more "real" than him. I sometimes wish at times, he wasn't so REAL. :) So surgery to repair his skull is Monday, May 8th @ 7:30 checking in at 6 a.m. Until surgery...have a fantastic weekend! Blessings to each reader!!
