Day 5 & 6: God will move you...(Warning: bipolar post)

Can this all really happen in a few hours? Two days fly by as one. Drama that I'm so not, but that seems to have overtaken my home lately; as if it has become our last name. Be gone with ya! The circus is now closed for maintenance and caring for those who live, preform, and manage such!!

Here we are in the evening of the 6th day...and I have literally lost all concept of what happened before the horrific event last night that landed my husband in the ER and our dogs to be taken from our home. While embracing myself with the ability to grieve giant tears of sorrow, I am thankful for the provision that no one was hurt any worse than they were. I thought I would be able to write this morning, but the encompassing darkness overwhelmed me.

We had to say goodbye to our rescue dog, Zoey for good today. She had been through so much already.

By the time she was 6 months old she had her ears removed inhumanely down to the skull, she had been chemically burned on her back, and she was a bait dog for fights. She was an attention hound and obeyed ever so humbly. But last night; she exploded/snapped...she went after her best friend our other rescue dog Ozzy. Her profound pit-bull jaws locked and aggressively wouldn't seize. The fight was on in our living room with blood slung, teeth puncturing, and became profoundly deaf to our voices. I won't go into the horrific details that followed, but we can't have such destruction and incontrollable outrages within the walls of safety we call home.

I'm sick, I've been curled up most of the day in tangled thoughts of anything and everything else that could've been done to keep this precious creature at peace. Recounting every single visual and audible thing that happened makes for a worn out soul. My eyes are dried out from all the emotion that flowed through them today. I can't explain with words the torment within my stomach and the knots within my heart that will forever be because of this event. It was truly dramatic and traumatic enough that it triggered my personal past abuse.

I'm praying they don't put her down and their assessments she'll pass with flying colors so that she may yet again show the love to another without any additional pets or children. I want to say...I'm done with pets! I don't want my heart to ever break like this again. She drove me absolutely crazy with her loud anxiety driven licking...I'm trying to remind myself why it's okay for her to be gone. That doesn't work, when she so obediently and joyfully got into that patrol car with tail wagging with excitement to go for a ride. Ugh! Baby girl, I'm so sorry! My face swells and puckers that ugly cry face so pitiful to think that she was so miserable and angry in the moment to do such a thing. What kind of flashback did she have?

We are all seeing actions such as this daily on the local news, social media feeds, and magazine cover. Humans doing this more and more to ourselves in America for sure. There's all the hate, last minute blow ups that are driving people over the edge and killing another. God help us! I do know that dogs are a creative beast of the wild but ever so loyal with diligence to their owners unless they've been warped by abuse. So it be with us humans...hurt people hurt people. PTSD and depression can see these types of outcomes as well; so my heart goes out tonight to those suffering in the darkness, scared of losing control, and feeling as if they are alone; even though many times there's lots of people around that care ever so much for them. You are loved. 

Now for some good news and a total twist on emotion; this is a bipolar blog post. Happy Anniversary today to the man that never gave up on wanting to be with me as a child. Today we celebrate marriage and a fun one at that. He is my safe place and serenity to dwell in an ever changing fast paced world. Our best laughs in life so far have been at each other. He can make me pee my pants quicker than anyone I know, and after childbirth that isn't so hard anymore. My stomach cramps, my jaws lock and then I snort in laughter. 

Guess what? He grosses me out too with his green gas that explodes a room, hanging on like the morning fog, and damaging the senses like agent orange...which makes my face fire red when done on purpose in my presence. Does he care? Heck no, he laughs uncontrollably himself waiting for my grossed out facial expressions. He lives for them I think. There is no queen treated any better tho than he treats me. I am loved without a shadow of doubt. I'm so sorry he got hurt during the dog fight above, but he was doing what he does best; protecting his family. This man cherishes us and loves us hard. God's provision yet again; we are safe in the hands of His creation; my husband. Now lets get our circus back in order...the monkeys need to get back to doing what they do best; entertain the world with raw love. 

~Simply LOLA

The voice of rape...

(Warning: potentially triggering info to follow, if you have PTSD or are a victim of rape/abuse...please don't read ahead unless you have someone with you, you have processed your situation, and you have healthy boundaries for yourself set up via counselor/therapist, etc)

Meet my biological maternal grandma...Lola. She and my grandpa adopted me May 7th, 1997 when I was 12 years old though I had lived with them and my mother since birth. (Adoption story to come at a later time)

Grandma never lived far from me as an adult except for when I moved to another city with my family, but then it was only 5 months. Thanksgiving week 2013, she came to live with me because she had Alzheimer's. Reflecting back, I see now when it all started. She knew something was wrong but was intelligent enough to cover it up. She had always been the caregiver of everyone, great with accounting, was the most amazing cook, the full time homemaker after her accident left her disabled, and the one who attended all my school functions and extracurricular activities. She was a fabulous wife from what I saw. She was hard headed and always done as she wanted; like mow what seemed to be 40 acres of grass after 5 back operations (never taking anything more than a tylenol for her pain). Homemade bread and cinnamon rolls...ohhh my!

Anyway, it was a rough first night in our home. Not only had I moved her into a home with many doors (there's 5 in just the living room alone), she was in a strange place, and my oldest daughter & hubby had come into town late that night. She was so scared that she came out with her cane raised, and her eyes told the story that she didn't know where she was or who we were. It was the saddest thing I'd ever seen. She was there in body but Grandma was gone. She hid inappropriate used toiletries in different places in her room to hide her incontinence that we all knew she had, and she used to know we knew. I took her to a doctor to get an established PCP and they immediately put her on a medication after she failed the testing for Alzheimers. Me not being experienced in Alzheimer's caused me to join a support group and find out all I could; to help her enjoy as much of her life that she had left. Unknowingly, the medication was not right for her and we ended up at the behavioral unit at the hospital by Christmas.

She had gotten mean and abusive to the animals even her own, hitting my child and saying inappropriate abusive things as well. We had our good days and our bad ones. She even ran away once. I didn't know what to do, I was so frustrated (this wasn't my grandma), scared, sad, and lost. When she arrived at the hospital she bit the ER nurse and slapped her...that's what got her sent to the behavioral unit. From there, the doctors advised me that she was not in a state to be living in my home with the animals and a child. They drugged her up in there...and I hated that! I rushed to get her out and placed within a facility because as much as I didn't want to, I had to keep my family safe. Thankfully we got the meds straightened out before leaving the hospital. She had deteriorated fast during that 2 weeks in there.

We got her placed, and she was happy most of the time. She had "friends" to eat dinner with, games to play, and they let her fulfill her need to be caregiver by letting her fold "no one's clothes", wiped down the tables, etc. Everything was good except she wasn't getting enough fluids...she got dehydrated and got a major kidney infection which made her "crazy" again causing her to fall...so off to the hospital we go to get stitches in her head.

The next 2 days would be the most horrific traumatizing experience of my life and her's. In ER...they went to place a catheter in and she went "ballistic". She shut off her voice and started signing. (history: her daughter/my mother was deaf and we all sign ASL) I couldn't believe what I was watching/reading...holy crap...I'm experiencing her rape assaults (multiple over the next 2 days) via sign language. Every single detail of the trauma was triggered by the catheter. I'm bawling and trying to decipher if I'm to relay the message to the nurse or what the hell I was supposed to do. All I could do was yell..."GET IT OUT"! She doesn't stop flying the hands...like she's talking to the rapist at one point then changing to explaining what's going on. No one ever knew her story...except maybe grandpa; I don't know. What I do know is though it was never allowed to be talked about because that was part of the story she shared; it was her family's skeletons in the closet. I found out who her rapist was and everything he did to her.

My life forever changed. Her voice was loud and clear. She passed on Sept. 6, 2014.

So, with that all said...please, please, please if you have ever experienced any type of trauma, abuse, rape, whatever; know that your body never forgets; no matter the determination of your heart/soul to hide it, shame it, or deny it. This shouldn't be the way someone finds out. Talk to somebody, get some help, and don't be silent because your voice will come out either while you're in control of it or when you are no longer in control. You are not alone. You didn't deserve it or cause it. It is not ok. #lolaintheraw

In Loving Memory...Grandma, I love you!