Decluttering...the ultimate betrayal

Betrayal...makes your mascara run!

I can say my life is by no way an accident, I have purpose and so do you. There's just way too many circumstances, tragedies, experiences, and such that I have personally went thru for it to not be of value to someone. The only way I have survived is by knowing thru my vulnerability, my story, my moments of rawness that someone is helped, understood, validated, and given hope. I've been decluttering & simplifying my home since August 1st, and if I would've known what I know this minute...I don't know that I would've started it. Now comes a season of decluttering & simplifying my emotions even though I didn't "ask" or "want" to.

Like the last couple days...Sometimes all I can do is cry it all out because there's no one I can talk to about such matters except for God. Which by the way, I realize is the only one to talk to...He's the only one who can do anything about it anyway. It's a twisted tangled mess that includes way too many people, so talking about it isn't an option. I'm a talker...so God has got His ears filled these last couple days with slurred words, blubbering noises, and whaling that even a toddler can't produce.

"I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God." ~Psalm 69:3. Until I have more clarification (because I can't trust my judgments right now), His Word is where I turn. I'm not alone there. What scares the "be Jesus" out of me...is exactly that; He was different, and didn't comply with the world nor their rules of normalcy. If I was to talk to anyone...they would in-fact think I was sick and have lost my mind. How in world could I go down this road? See, it's about forgiveness. It's about a forgiveness that isn't talked about. It's about despite the world view of how I should respond...I'm choosing to forgive. Believe me...I want to run away from this situation, and in the world's eyes I'd have validation for it.

Can I forgive at that level. That kind of forgiveness means to forget as God has forgotten...uhm, that's deep, that's hard, and to be honest I don't know if I can. I'm human...so is that kind of forgiveness possible? I don't know if I can live with myself if the consequences of it coming back to yet again be repeated. That's not my job tho...I don't know that...So, do I trust God that won't happen? I don't know if I can be like Jesus here. I thought for sure I was a follower...but, I can follow all day long. It's the "be like" Him that for the first time in my life...I just don't know that I can. See, I can forgive those whom do something to me ohhh how I wish this was anything like that. I've had to forgive my abusers, my naysayers, my parents, my grandparents, my friends, my kids, people from past relationships, all of that...so I thought I had forgiveness down.

But see the real issue here...is will I forgive myself for the decision that comes after the forgiveness. Do I stay, do I go, and whichever I do with this; will we be okay? The unknown is scary as hell. Sure there's people that if I had committed suicide and left a note with the story that would've said, "I wish she would've said something, I would've helped"...those people really aren't there like that. Those words come only when they are safe from having to fulfill such a need. I'm speaking from experience here because I've asked in the past...and that's when everyone seems to have not seen your message, it's urgency is dismissed, and is it even their responsibility? So yes, my past tends to help me make my decisions. I'm not going to share the tragic darts of this situation to find out no one is there to help with human effort. Again, a light bulb moment and reflection back to myself...am I there for others in this way? Seriously! Are we all so shut down behind the "knowing what they'd all would say and do" so why do it...then we sit in our pit of mire alone. All alone...well not Spiritual speaking but humanly speaking yes.

So...today I turn to God in my turmoil. It's Him alone that can do anything about it anyway. I do wonder what this is going to do for someone else...If I can't talk about it then how can I help another. It's my story but I'm involved deeply and entangled with so many more that it's not my place to put them out there. God help us!

A meme came across my screen that put it all into place for me along with the faithful prayers of some caring friends....If you went to Heaven, and God said...I forgive you to the same measure you gave forgiveness...how forgiven would I be? Matthew 6:15 "but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses". Ohhh do I need forgiveness too! Anybody else?

So, I'm not running away or ending the relationship of the one that has ultimately betrayed me...I'm going to embrace it...with healthy boundaries, stated expectations and not naive to being co-dependent, enabling, or excusing the behavior...Jesus didn't leave me when I've betrayed Him, so I'm not leaving this one either. May we all in this entangled mess allow Jesus to untie the knots in due time. Friendships are valuable & forgiveness is growth in the hardest sense of the word.

Release & Believe has never been so confirmed in my life as it is right now...this business in which I get the privilege of running will be stronger than ever because of my experiences. It's more than oils, it's being real with people in their situation, connecting on a personal level, and it's more than releasing...it's the power that comes in the changing ones intentions to affirmations & seriously believing it. I'm seeing a developing inner circle of support for those whom have been betrayed. If you'd like to have a connection, let me know. Thank you Jesus for allowing me to sit with you in your betrayal so that I may learn.


 #bedifferent #callustheweirdos #iwannabelikejesus #releaseandbelieve #inmyrawyouarenotalone

Day 5 & 6: God will move you...(Warning: bipolar post)

Can this all really happen in a few hours? Two days fly by as one. Drama that I'm so not, but that seems to have overtaken my home lately; as if it has become our last name. Be gone with ya! The circus is now closed for maintenance and caring for those who live, preform, and manage such!!

Here we are in the evening of the 6th day...and I have literally lost all concept of what happened before the horrific event last night that landed my husband in the ER and our dogs to be taken from our home. While embracing myself with the ability to grieve giant tears of sorrow, I am thankful for the provision that no one was hurt any worse than they were. I thought I would be able to write this morning, but the encompassing darkness overwhelmed me.

We had to say goodbye to our rescue dog, Zoey for good today. She had been through so much already.

By the time she was 6 months old she had her ears removed inhumanely down to the skull, she had been chemically burned on her back, and she was a bait dog for fights. She was an attention hound and obeyed ever so humbly. But last night; she exploded/snapped...she went after her best friend our other rescue dog Ozzy. Her profound pit-bull jaws locked and aggressively wouldn't seize. The fight was on in our living room with blood slung, teeth puncturing, and became profoundly deaf to our voices. I won't go into the horrific details that followed, but we can't have such destruction and incontrollable outrages within the walls of safety we call home.

I'm sick, I've been curled up most of the day in tangled thoughts of anything and everything else that could've been done to keep this precious creature at peace. Recounting every single visual and audible thing that happened makes for a worn out soul. My eyes are dried out from all the emotion that flowed through them today. I can't explain with words the torment within my stomach and the knots within my heart that will forever be because of this event. It was truly dramatic and traumatic enough that it triggered my personal past abuse.

I'm praying they don't put her down and their assessments she'll pass with flying colors so that she may yet again show the love to another without any additional pets or children. I want to say...I'm done with pets! I don't want my heart to ever break like this again. She drove me absolutely crazy with her loud anxiety driven licking...I'm trying to remind myself why it's okay for her to be gone. That doesn't work, when she so obediently and joyfully got into that patrol car with tail wagging with excitement to go for a ride. Ugh! Baby girl, I'm so sorry! My face swells and puckers that ugly cry face so pitiful to think that she was so miserable and angry in the moment to do such a thing. What kind of flashback did she have?

We are all seeing actions such as this daily on the local news, social media feeds, and magazine cover. Humans doing this more and more to ourselves in America for sure. There's all the hate, last minute blow ups that are driving people over the edge and killing another. God help us! I do know that dogs are a creative beast of the wild but ever so loyal with diligence to their owners unless they've been warped by abuse. So it be with us humans...hurt people hurt people. PTSD and depression can see these types of outcomes as well; so my heart goes out tonight to those suffering in the darkness, scared of losing control, and feeling as if they are alone; even though many times there's lots of people around that care ever so much for them. You are loved. 

Now for some good news and a total twist on emotion; this is a bipolar blog post. Happy Anniversary today to the man that never gave up on wanting to be with me as a child. Today we celebrate marriage and a fun one at that. He is my safe place and serenity to dwell in an ever changing fast paced world. Our best laughs in life so far have been at each other. He can make me pee my pants quicker than anyone I know, and after childbirth that isn't so hard anymore. My stomach cramps, my jaws lock and then I snort in laughter. 

Guess what? He grosses me out too with his green gas that explodes a room, hanging on like the morning fog, and damaging the senses like agent orange...which makes my face fire red when done on purpose in my presence. Does he care? Heck no, he laughs uncontrollably himself waiting for my grossed out facial expressions. He lives for them I think. There is no queen treated any better tho than he treats me. I am loved without a shadow of doubt. I'm so sorry he got hurt during the dog fight above, but he was doing what he does best; protecting his family. This man cherishes us and loves us hard. God's provision yet again; we are safe in the hands of His creation; my husband. Now lets get our circus back in order...the monkeys need to get back to doing what they do best; entertain the world with raw love. 

~Simply LOLA