I Quit - Anxious Ahmae's MySpace Blog |

It's been 12 full days now for me........and Aimee I love how you put all this.....I quit too!

I Quit - Anxious Ahmae's MySpace Blog |

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Accomplishments...........

Laundry done, dinner in the oven, bedroom cleaned up, living room vacuumed, dishes done; and I hear the snoring of a husband's nap, the playing and jabbering of a 4 yr old while watching Lion King in his room, the pages turning of a book "Addicted" being read by a teenager.....and the keys of the laptop clicking to a blog. The aroma coming from the kitchen is causing the tummy to rumble......Citrus herb chicken and onion roasted potatoes in the oven! Nothing spectacular today but the comfort of a peaceful home and one full of love. It's nice just to sit and listen sometimes with no distractions of my own such as watching TV, etc. Though no one is talking to each other..........we are definitely in tune with what each are doing; checking in every once in awhile. The air conditioner just kicked on, and there goes the timer for the dinner........gotta go...DISTRACTED....be back after dinner!

Ok back after a small cup of chocolate ice cream.........yummmmmm! I haven't really even thought about those stupid cigs today; again another day and almost another week of accomplishments.............what's yours today? We all have them if we got out of bed, and if you didn't let me know and I'll add you to the prayer list.....we need each other; we want to know that others care enough to listen. I love to listen, much learning comes from it. I find the truth in people when I actually will listen clear down to the consonants and vowels; and watch their facial reactions. That saying, "that actions are louder than words"; a definite watchman verse.

Husband is talking.........I need to listen........now that is an accomplishment when I stop what I'm doing to take the time to listen to my husband about whatever he wants to talk about; because he is important to me so should what he has to say be also. Accomplishments are usually made without words.

.............open ears, listening hearts, and a shut mouth brings much wisdom!

Unselfish.............

http://bit.ly/9wBcj (Read such a precious story)

The purpose of us all really is to step out of ourselves and accomplish that of what is needed by others........how do you get involved, help, donate, or even pray??? Stepping out of yourself takes the Heart of God to get it accomplished! I pray for that daily! It's short and sweet today as we are busy with family advocacy day at school, Shawnee Dispatch doing a paper on NF, Koda and our Ride4Research event in Oct. Back at the blogging ground tomorrow, until then; may your tummies hurt from laughter!.............hearts are blessed!

In the Dew Drop.........

It's hard to find the serenity, peace, joy, and contentment in life when you have been so addicted to something. My life has be overshadowed with a fog of misinterpretation.......it really wasn't me reflecting who I was; or at least no one could see the real person due to the first appearance judgment that we all seem to do. I worked so hard to please........thinking they would all accept me for that; but in-fact many made themselves distant due to not being able to get past the fog....they couldn't see the real heart; and apparently my addiction kept me from being the person I really was. The addiction definitely had me, controlled me, but I was still in there, behind the fog of it all. As I have blogged before about the smell.........ohhhh the smell is extravagant now! Laundry is blissful, and how could anyone say that laundry was anything but just a dirty job; but ohhhh how it smells when its freshly done. I'm inhaling and thanking God for giving us the ability to smell such wonder. Ohhh of course there are those smells that I must say I can do without, but in all we have to take the good with the bad........and the good so overwhelms the bad; or at least that's my choice.

Choice, and I choose to see the little things that are not so apparent to most. Like the rainbow smear (but it could be like a flower in the picture above) in the small dew drop on a sliver of grass this morning..........that's beauty, that only God could create in His true perfection of life. He created us to see it, but all of us seem to have some kind of fog that clogs the vision.......or takes up the time that we don't even look; or do we even care. So selfish sometimes in this life we are; like me saying I need to have another fix.....my prior addiction tries to haunt me daily.......but no it's not the owner of this temple any longer. My addiction is smoking cigarettes; but it's even more dirty than it sounds. It consumes the mind all day long; or at least it tries. It pollutes the air in the house, and lungs of our kids and guests. It discolors the lips and fingers of a long survivor of the addiction. It distorts the breath of our loved ones when it's time for affection......a kiss should never be dirty and disgusting to the senses; but it is! Ohh but we're cool at first, then we're apparently rich to afford them, then we've combined them with other addictions that go along with it such as coffee, alcohol, etc.

My vision is becoming clearer as each day of victory falls asleep............I'm enjoying the senses, breathing like never before, seeing the beauty in everything, and smelling another load of laundry. It's beautiful once the fog is gone; and hopefully everyone will see the beauty that God has placed within me to shine to everyone! May my life be only a blog right now, but a testimony to someone that is in need......................... to see that little sliver of grass that holds the beauty of a rainbow/flower/or just the clearness of life, God promises!

Enemy is at my door............

......or at least the knowledge of what is going on is definitely from the dark side. I see it, and I count it all blessings because the stronger the fight; the more beautiful the outcome. Each area has started to be tested, marriage, kids, health, home, finances, family, and friendships.

Bring it on as my sister-in-law, Lori, would say; is not me inviting the bad to happen but to boost my faith in knowing that blessings are abound. I heard some of the most heart wrenching news today about someone attached to my heart........and know that there is a reason; and God show me and guide me to the place that we need to be so that You can work your miracles. Whether it through me or someone else I do not care, but I give it to You; this is so much bigger than what I can endure, handle, or even think about. Of course, I want to fix it.......make it all better.......but that isn't what needs to happen. Consequences must take place, and I'm on edge to see what happens.

Answered prayers about life sitsuations that cannot be discussed here, but just know that God does hear...........He even cares! Not in our timing, not at all.......but the 11th hour and 59 sec rule around here. The love is too strong and I won't quit; so worthy of my time, attention, and love. No clue what my heart feels, but desires to see it. Guide me so that I can show it with grace. A mountain was melted infront of me today.........His power is strong enough to show us in the midst of the pain.

How funny; went to a different church on Wednesday night; it was a question and answer session.......one of the subjects was about the mountains melting; verses in the bible......I guess I needed to hear that; and now 2 days later it makes sense. Always for a reason, and never by accident........but I am strong becuz of my Lord!

God's Breath.......

.......the fresh breeze coming thru the open windows of such a beautiful morning. 93hrs since my last cigarette, and I have a new sense of smell........it's luxury! Everytime I breathe in it's like a new present, a gift from God that I don't ever remember having. I'm not saying that I couldn't smell before but it was impaired, foggy, and overcasted with the nicotine, smoke, and altered taste as well. It's like being in a down town city w/ smog to the point of not seeing then slowly walking to the country where everything is free, spaced, and vibrant. The sense of smell has as well changed my sense of taste. Everything tastes different.

I was really scared that I might turn to food to fulfill the place that the cigs did; but it's weird, I did ask God for Him to fill it so that I wouldn't fill the void with an unhealthy substance. He has sustained me and filled me with His glory, love, and spirit. I continue to pray for my husband, Rick, that God will be the temptation blocker for him in such trying times at work. Almost everyone smokes there, and being the lead man he is; there is frustrations with people, job, trucks, and just life @ work........as with anyone. He hasn't totally quit yet......I think one cig a day......which is remarkable; but I and He needs to quit; my gosh it was his idea! LOL

I must say there is a greiving process to give up such a love, and it was a love. I was connected, and cigs were always faithful, always there and dependable, gave me a drive like no other.......but when I look back; my priorities were really messed up! Cigs before food, drink, bills, gas, before anything. I couldn't function........really couldn't the first 24-36 hrs of this was terrible. I wanted to scream, pull my hair out, die, kill someone, and I'm sure my family was about to put me out on the streets or admit me. I didn't like who I had become; but in reality that was the real me and cigs only suppressed that like some sick disease. Where was God? He was there I just didn't depend on him to fulfill the void......or did I, I've made it this far; and definitely not on my own. I couldn't have done it, I am too weak; really weak when it comes to..........just go get a pack. I mean the kids have gone to school, no one is here.......go outside so the smell isn't in the house; one won't hurt........ohhhh but devil you are such a liar; and always right there on the other shoulder to whisper sweet lies into my ear! God is stronger and thankfully I hear His voice much stronger.......and then I breathe in..............God's breath!

Raining....

.....can be what you want it to be: depressing, relaxing, music to sleep to, dancing necessity, usher for beautiful flowers and scenery, makes for stupid drivers, God's tears to remind us of what He has done; you choose..........but I choose after what seems to be a week of it.......for it to go away.

Koda's first week of PreK, and he doesn't get to go outside to play on the playground. I'm sure that's a little distrubing to a 4 year old. I would just like to see him get to experience his first week for the next 14 years in a positive way. He is staring out the window so peacefully looking at the rain.

Ok almost 72 hours smoke free........it's getting easier each and every day. I pray I can keep it up; it would be nice if Rick and I could be delivered of it completely. Rick is quitting too.......I just hope the temptation of all the smokers at work doesn't make him crumble. He did consciencely go in later today so he wouldn't do what he used to; just hang out outside w/ the smokers talking until he had to go to work; which included his boss. I bet it can make him feel a little "out " of the group. God fill his needs so that he doesn't turn back.

I guess I need to get Koda ready for school.......Rick and Holly off to work and school; Hoping to be productive today! God Bless!

Where's the structure?

Uhmmm, structure in this house has definitely found it's hiding place. I was just sure when the kids went to school I could set up a daily schedule to live by until a job found me to change it. Chaos, really! What the heck was I thinking.......well it really wasn't my idea I don't think to quit smoking the same week that ohhh lovely Mrs. Monthly comes to visit and the kids starting school......oh and then by the way my husband decides to tell me that he doesn't have to go to work until 11am today instead of 6am at the last hour last night. I didn't realize how much I love a ritual and structured atmosphere. I mean I love spontaneous decisions but not a life of it.......well it's been challenging to not think of mean things to do to people........boy what nicotine/smoking habit can do to you when withdrawing.

Drugs are all bad when it comes to withdrawing.........and I can't imagine having to deal with more than one addiction at a time; but I am; food.......it's sneaky, manipulative, and alluring but only because I allowed it to be. I decide where it is placed on the shelves, refrigerator, and cupboards. I decide what the food is that is brought in, and then I get mad at the food.......uhmmm getting out of the denial that it's my decision, my choice, my desires that have made this what it is.

I'm influencing my kids in a way that is not the best I know.......but at least I am seeing it, and thankful to a very special dr. that has come into my life due to the desire to get this "body" structure remodeled. He has given me homework, a book called "Mindless Eating" by Brian Wansink. Awesome information........actually stuff I thought I knew but I really didn't. Another book, God laid on my mind, for you girls "Captivating"......by Staci and John Edgredge......for the guys "Wild at Heart".....by her husband John Edgredge. I really just dare you to take the moment to indulge in yourself for a moment and find serenity.

Back to reality, a craving is heavy, but it doesn't seem as long today. The thoughts that I really didn't decide to quit this time makes me want to go to the gas station and just buy a pack. I don't want to quit, and I enjoyed my cigs tremendously. Really, sick I know and the stench of them but I liked smoking. I have now made it a full 48 hours.......two days.....why oh why would I want to smoke another one; but I really want one! Just one, maybe just a drag and then ..........oh bologna I know I wouldn't stop with a drag, one, or anything less than just not doing it. Prayer is needed, and let me find my filling in God alone. Until we talk again, thanks for listening!

Another day, another hour, another minute

As I'm watching out the window, the rain is so strong that I cannot see the gas station as I normally do, I'm choosing not to listen to the voice saying............you need a cigarette. I have almost made it a complete day without one, but every second is a fight against it. I choose life, smelling correctly, breathing correctly, endurance, not to pass it on, not to make my kids live with it, but it is by every second, min, hour and will be days then years. I cannot do this on my own, because if I do and fail........then I'm just another failure to myself; I don't like that word.

When I post it, then I am asking for accountability, prayer, and support. I am reaching out to receive all that is out there for me to find serenity in all of this. This I can change, but not without the help. Just like no one can find a cure for NF without help........it has to come from somewhere, and someone has to volunteer. With the economy the way it is, some are holding back tightly to protect themselves. I used to hear it all the time; take care of yourself because no one else will. The bible says to "what good is it to save the world, and leave yourself" of course, I'm paraphrasing. We do have to guard ourselves at some point, but we must also be givers without a selfish heart.

As we know I'm a blogger of each and every thought with no plan when I start; just looking for a way to deal with life in a "normal manner" without going crazy keeping track of stuff all in my head. I release a lot of stress, emotion, and fear when I journal/blog. I have notebooks full of writings that have been my deliverance thru whatever the case might have been. It is just life and for whatever reason; mine includes writing. I'm sure Koda's life will have something to do with trains, planes, automobiles, construction equipment, fire & rescue trucks, and a cape of some sort naming his SuperHero logo/name.

The kids started school today. Halie is in Gainesville @ her dads', Holly and Koda here w/ us. Holly now a Sophomore, and Koda just starting out in PreK. Gap in time most definitely but I have decided Koda is here with us for an eye opening experience and to keep me young. :OP.
My greatest desire is for Koda to finally catch up with his delays this year, and take off learning! I must say having two gifted teenagers, and years of grade cards w/ "A's".......has spoiled me some. Both girls always eager to learn and a drive to succeed. I can only hope that Koda would ever see that. Right now speech, language, processing and retention, are some areas that I pray that he walks out of PreK right where he should be. God give the teachers the patience and experience to help Koda in the only way that they can. Give Koda a mind that thrives to learn, and the ability to do it. Help his tongue and brain to connect correctly so the transmission of hearing words is clear..........as we know his hearing is fine now. I also pray there is no signs of dyslexia; as he has enough to conquer now.

Funny how I can go from talking about cigs to my kid's education........all over the place my brain does go; but walking away with a free/clear conscience is the ultimate serenity. Now all this time with the kids in school; do I nap.........or do I become SuperMommy and get the house all clean, or do I get to job hunting like I should do as all the other will wait. Uhmmm, my eyes are heavy; and there's a mountain of clothes to fold..........job, I have a job; it's called Mommy, but the hubby doesn't see it paying any bills I guess. So for now I'm going to soak up the clear air in my house by breathing deep; enjoying the sound of the strong rain on my porch w/ a metal rooftop, and endure and surpass another moment without a cig. I want a cigarette!