Another day, another hour, another minute

As I'm watching out the window, the rain is so strong that I cannot see the gas station as I normally do, I'm choosing not to listen to the voice saying............you need a cigarette. I have almost made it a complete day without one, but every second is a fight against it. I choose life, smelling correctly, breathing correctly, endurance, not to pass it on, not to make my kids live with it, but it is by every second, min, hour and will be days then years. I cannot do this on my own, because if I do and fail........then I'm just another failure to myself; I don't like that word.

When I post it, then I am asking for accountability, prayer, and support. I am reaching out to receive all that is out there for me to find serenity in all of this. This I can change, but not without the help. Just like no one can find a cure for NF without help........it has to come from somewhere, and someone has to volunteer. With the economy the way it is, some are holding back tightly to protect themselves. I used to hear it all the time; take care of yourself because no one else will. The bible says to "what good is it to save the world, and leave yourself" of course, I'm paraphrasing. We do have to guard ourselves at some point, but we must also be givers without a selfish heart.

As we know I'm a blogger of each and every thought with no plan when I start; just looking for a way to deal with life in a "normal manner" without going crazy keeping track of stuff all in my head. I release a lot of stress, emotion, and fear when I journal/blog. I have notebooks full of writings that have been my deliverance thru whatever the case might have been. It is just life and for whatever reason; mine includes writing. I'm sure Koda's life will have something to do with trains, planes, automobiles, construction equipment, fire & rescue trucks, and a cape of some sort naming his SuperHero logo/name.

The kids started school today. Halie is in Gainesville @ her dads', Holly and Koda here w/ us. Holly now a Sophomore, and Koda just starting out in PreK. Gap in time most definitely but I have decided Koda is here with us for an eye opening experience and to keep me young. :OP.
My greatest desire is for Koda to finally catch up with his delays this year, and take off learning! I must say having two gifted teenagers, and years of grade cards w/ "A's".......has spoiled me some. Both girls always eager to learn and a drive to succeed. I can only hope that Koda would ever see that. Right now speech, language, processing and retention, are some areas that I pray that he walks out of PreK right where he should be. God give the teachers the patience and experience to help Koda in the only way that they can. Give Koda a mind that thrives to learn, and the ability to do it. Help his tongue and brain to connect correctly so the transmission of hearing words is clear..........as we know his hearing is fine now. I also pray there is no signs of dyslexia; as he has enough to conquer now.

Funny how I can go from talking about cigs to my kid's education........all over the place my brain does go; but walking away with a free/clear conscience is the ultimate serenity. Now all this time with the kids in school; do I nap.........or do I become SuperMommy and get the house all clean, or do I get to job hunting like I should do as all the other will wait. Uhmmm, my eyes are heavy; and there's a mountain of clothes to fold..........job, I have a job; it's called Mommy, but the hubby doesn't see it paying any bills I guess. So for now I'm going to soak up the clear air in my house by breathing deep; enjoying the sound of the strong rain on my porch w/ a metal rooftop, and endure and surpass another moment without a cig. I want a cigarette!