Seek with all our heart...

...and that we did today. Koda couldn't be found. It wasn't typical for him to not be waiting for us out in the hall after Sunday school. (I didn't realize our class let out early, nor did I know they had put the junior high with the high school kids) So, on the search we went...around a couple times (every room either empty or full of kids that confirmed he wasn't there. Circles we went, and I bet we got in our 10,000 minimal steps just in this search alone for the day. So outside, to the car, to the creek beds, to the empty buildings outside, yelling his name, back in to double check bathrooms, and the sanctuary as he had usually come to find us. He's never ran off...so we were confused as to where he could possibly be. Asking for help, but getting blank stares & unmotivated people opened my eyes to a much greater need of understanding. They didn't get it at all. Becoming frantic, I asked if there could be an all over building intercom message...that didn't happen either; do they not have such a capability? I still don't know.

Every single second seemed like hours almost without me totally blowing this way out of portion. I didn't know where else to look, glad though that a couple people had took on the notice we were frantic & went searching for him too. As dad decided to head to the house just in-case he decided he wanted to walk home; which he has wanted to walk because we're so close...I was on my 4th round of inside the church when I heard his voice. Every single horrid thought, the fear, the frustration, and the heart pounding...came out in a whaling of tears; he was okay. He had not went off on his own choice, but was moved to a room in which he normally would never be; with the high school Sunday school class that had let out late.

We immediately left without going to typical worship time because of other issues that have came up. When I got home, I was drawn to the Bible with much pull. I opened up to Proverbs 1 where I felt led, read thru all of Chapter 4; and there God met me. I clearly got the message with all that I have been experiencing this (long week for me) week, seek wisdom/Him as I did for my son today & everything will turn out just as it's supposed to. By trusting, diligently seeking Him and His wisdom all these types of things come forth : protection, sweet sleep, confidence, favor, straight paths, insight, honor, live, no stumbling, understanding, barns overflowing, and assurance. Wow! Anyone else want any of this stuff? We seek it thru friends, family, money, careers, marriage, etc...when at least for me it is very clear I only need to seek Him.

Why do things happen, and this day; I know why it happened just as it did...so this very message could be found, heard, and implemented by me. It was a call to action. I didn't need to be in the sanctuary today because nothing could have impacted me like the "searching frantically for my son". He loves us so. I hope no one has to endure such to get the message, but if you do...I hope you find your message made just for you in it. Koda is my "why" in every single thing I do. Thanking God for the personal one on one time today.

How concerned or frantic are you seeking the One who makes all things better. In the wisdom He bestows there are sure a lot of promises we can hold on to. I think I've just had another "light bulb" moment of transformation. The beauty in the process of metamorphosis continues for me. While I walk in more freedom than I ever experienced, there's still a wisdom that never stops transforming our minds. On the right path, and knowing you are there...is probably the most "secure" feeling ever.


#releaseandbelieve #seekingHimovereverything #somethingclicks #lightbulbmoments #transformationintofreedom #securityinHim

It just got real...

as we celebrate K's 12th birthday today, all was fine until...we shaved his head. Then the indention of the hole in his head was vivid, the deformities of the skull were clear, and that dang mass of a tumor showed it's horror. I cried. We all can mask things all so well with cover ups, filters, airbrushing, and suppressing the emotions that bring discomfort, so we don't have to deal with it at least not at the moment. With all that removed, we are raw, vulnerable, and authentic...for most that is too hard. I can't live like that, I can't fake it, I can't pretend it's all ok...and I don't want to. When you find freedom from all the gunk of what society shows as being successful, beautiful, popular, etc...one gets to be REAL. All I care about is real, because see no matter how much hair covers his head...it doesn't cover the fact of reality. Being real brings relationships into fullness, brings purpose to life, brings emotions to the surface where one can cope in the moment instead of pushing it deep into the spirit...causing one to act out to a current situation trying to cope with a past issue that is extinct.

K has clearly stated he doesn't believe he'll make it out of surgery. He is nervous to leave his family, but knows that there is a beautiful eternity awaiting him. We're blessed knowing this confidence & faith he has to the deepest core of his being. We also know that he talks with his Savior a whole lot, and we don't doubt for a minute that he might just know more than we do. We trust that with everything we have. Some have questioned how I can even talk like that...well, reality is...it's a fact that he might just not make it. Death is real for all of us. Death isn't something to fear, but to embrace if you are a believer that there is a life hereafter. We do! Am I fearful, no. Am I worried, no. Am I angry, no. Am I looking for someone or something to blame, no. Am I sad, yes!

I'm sad no matter how this turns out. I'm sad because if he continues to explode that charismatic energy & creative imagination all over this world, he will still be at a constant risk making it through each day of life managing pain, more skull surgeries, and keeping a flow to the carotid and other arteries. I don't know if you know how in depth the risk is that this tumor has on his carotid & airway. The medical team has expected a stroke for years. So we're blessed we have had this long. We celebrate and fight daily. I'm sad of course if he doesn't make it...I won't have him here, but see I will see him someday again & knowing he won't have Neurofibromatosis, pain, and social disconnection from everything he wants to be a part of will make it easier to cope.

I want everyone to know right now tho...I feel as if God has shown me something else, and I'm publicly announcing it now. I was relieved of a burden that I was emotionally carrying in regards to the previously homeowner. Their son died in this house...in K's room. Going through an AFT session, I was given the release of carrying it because it was physically putting me in the deepest depression I've ever experience tho I didn't know what it was. I don't believe for one minute that it's K's time to go. I think he's got too much of a testimony for it to end now. I'm standing on that with 100% confidence. I really don't doubt it.

I am so thankful for a husband and the daddy K has...he's remarkable support, encouragement, and well you can't get any more "real" than him. I sometimes wish at times, he wasn't so REAL. :) So surgery to repair his skull is Monday, May 8th @ 7:30 checking in at 6 a.m. Until surgery...have a fantastic weekend! Blessings to each reader!!

The impossible...

has happened! The journey of 2016 has not been all I would wish for our lives, but good things definitely happened. I promise great news is at the end of this post, but let me reflect on what really went on; so that I may never forget what God has brought us through. The end of the year pushed me over the edge, and so I took a break from social media for the last week of the year to replenish. At first I thought that week went way too fast, but in another way I was wishing it to be over. We all lost a lot of people, pets, and things this last year. I realized in this time to myself that "Replenish" should be on the daily calendar, not to be utilized when someone has already been depleted to even enjoy such a time. What should be of a help today is taking weeks maybe months to recover.

So as I looked over the photos that have been uploaded this last year...I had a moment that touched my heart like no other; we really did have a good year. Let me share some of those great times in 2016.

1. Koda graduated all therapies
2. I got to meet and become friends with some fabulous people during my time working at Heartspring.
3. We traveled many states, had a great time finally meeting our "NF twin" family whom let us crash at their place while on the journey to our daughter and her husband's home in Ft. Bragg, North Carolina.
4. I got to see my first lighthouse while visiting my daughter. We got to swim in the Atlantic Ocean, and visit several military/veteran events/parks.
5. Koda got his FM receivers for the Auditory Processing Disorder...wow, what a difference.
6. Got to go to a bridal expo with our youngest daughter whom is getting married in May. Being involved in the wedding planning is so fun.
7. Went to Branson, MO for a vacation where we went to see Moses at the Light & Sound Theatre and have dinner with the going to be our youngest daughter's in-laws. Koda got to experience go-cart racing with dad against soon to be brother in law, Sam. That was fun!
8. Hubby surprised me with a birthday gift I'll never forget while in Branson...my first helicopter ride. That while so scary was so positively life changing for me in regards to facing fears.
9. We had to move...and while that was horrid while in the moments of it; God came thru. I've blogged that 30 day journey "when God moves you".
10. Koda has got to experience having neighborhood kids to play with.
11. We had several visits from the girls. Now that is when my heart is full.
12. My husband has had full time work plus overtime to support our family while it has been clear at least for now; I'll continue to work from home.
13. Koda has got to experience suiting up and being placed in an actual go-kart. Dang short legs kept him from experiencing driving the actual kart on the track.
14. Koda also has developed and enjoyed his first experience of bowling in a league.
15. We had a roller coaster of a year with learning a new eating lifestyle of all organic, no-gmo's, grassfed, cage free, free range, clean, juicing, fresh, straight from the farm buying and garden growing food. So thankful for a job that I can work from home, that supplies us with seasonal blends, receipes, oils to have easy meals at home every single day. I love Wildtree!!

I'm sure I've left many more out, but the greatest of these are the love and support of friends, family, acquaintances, and even strangers through our most difficult of times. Thank you to each and every single one of you who make life easier to endure when seasons can be so trying, unbearable, and down right mean. May 2017 bring health, love, happiness, provisions, favor, peace and daily moments to replenish. Love you!!

So....God has done yet again what seemed impossible! We got the approval from the bankruptcy court trustee to purchase the house! We got the house!!!! Happy New Year!

Day 19: God will move you...(the adult monkey has lost his mind)

This particular post right here has taken me way to long to complete...and I'm not so sure it's going to get done. I'm starting from scratch because as I've tried to write for the last 24 hours...the previous draft post deleted itself twice, the font wouldn't sync up throughout, the pics wouldn't center, the links wouldn't work, the whole thing just made me slam the lid down this morning and walk away...so I'm here again trying to complete it. I'm thinking that I was trying to post two days worth of stuff into one post and I'm not supposed to do that; at least, not this one.

As if the craziness of all that has happened in the last 19 days wasn't enough...My only adult, responsible, mature monkey of the home (because I quit adulting a long time ago #adultingisoverrated) decides to come home and tell me; he changed jobs. What!?! Ok, do you all remember the financial struggle that I've been posting about? I don't think he reads these blogs after all...he just comments to support me because he's great at that. Anyway...yes, he starts a new job on Monday. Now let me clear this part up; he's staying with the same company (whew!). But here's the crazy...

It's incentive paid. Just typing those last three words made me stop push my glasses up and rub my eyes and take a very deep breath. This means that not only do we not ever get back the possibility of OT which is no longer coming in...his pay could be cut completely in half!

Listen, this man has been an excellent provider and always looking out for the best interest of our family. He has continued to the top of most pay scales out there for his profession. He makes over and beyond what he ever thought he could. He holds at a very high level the accomplishment for himself especially after the childhood he endured, the choices he made when dropping out of school, and the things told to him by the adults in his life. To many we are rich and to many more we are poor. It's all in perspective, attitude, and priorities. Again the reason I cover the financial part of our lives in these blogs (I'd rather not because it really can be embarrassing, humbling, and down right doesn't feel good) is because there's somebody reading that needs to feel known. Now with the bragging done...let me tell you about FEAR/SCARED TO DEATH "feelings" that I have. I trust him but I trust in God even more, so guess what he'll have 10 days of training and then goes out on his own as a driver then it'll be at least 14 more days before we know what that paycheck is gonna look like. Holding my breath, I'd be lying if I didn't admit this fear.

Really, right now we have to throw this into the loop of circus events??? Would you wanna kill him? Is this even ok? Yes, because if he didn't; he would've walked out of his position all together (We CANNOT have that)....and rightfully so. I won't go into the details of what's going on there at work because well it benefits no one and something I might say publicly could be taken wrong... I wouldn't want to jeopardize his employment. This company has been awesome to work for all the way around; it's just that the management that brought him in from KC is now gone. Now...here's the positive news:

He could make even more than he's making now with all the OT he was putting in. He has no idea what he will be able to obtain from the beginning...it's a wait and see. I know him, and he's going to strive to bring the "best" home. Whatever happens we'll be just fine because if God brought us to it; He'll bring us through it, over it, under it...done! Can't wait to post about this favor, grace, mercy, and down right miracle. Remember the pay could be cut in half. Until then...please pray for me, lol seriously. My thoughts can tend to run as wild as my adult monkey did with his decisions. I feel like we're bringing in the turtles to do the lion acts...it's gonna take a miracle. Who's gonna hang on with me and keep me in prayer about this for the next month?

Watch those turtles roar!

~Blessings!

Helicopter teaches me a lesson...

Wow...what a day! As I was reminiscing over the wonderful weekend we had and thought about the moment...I faced my own personal fears and found out some things about myself. I've always said I was afraid of heights. In the process of all that has went on; I went to search out and process this fear a little deeper this evening. What I realized is that it's not the fear of heights I have...

It's the fear of leaving solid ground or having control of that.

I literally have been on only a couple ferris wheels in my life and each time was an excruciating power of fear that literally takes my breath away, causes me to slam my eyes shut and pray for the ride to end. I've never been able to enjoy a ferris wheel ride. I've been on hundreds of roller coaster rides...the trip up to the top; same experience but I can look to my feet knowing it's going to be over in just a minute (the climb up) and there's usually a tight harness or car surrounding me. The ride itself is never the problem; actually I love it. 

It's my feet coming off of solid ground is where I lose it. Now on a ferris wheel it's not over in a minute, and there's multiple turns over and over with stops in mid-air...ohhh no! Watching me feet the whole time or slamming the eyes tightly shut doesn't work in a ferris wheel because I've watched way too many horror movies; I guess. I can feel the swing of the cart...ugh! It's okay to laugh, I get it...but I am not laughing I promise you when on such a ride.

So for my birthday and for our son to be able to experience yet another first as well as me...I decide that since this was the end of launch week for Simply LOLA; I was going to end it with a bang by climbing into a helicopter. Face my fear of heights, well I didn't know if I would be anxious or not because I have always been fine in a plane (only been on 2 in my life and didn't have window seats). I didn't know what to expect.

Fear, anxiety, nervous...all of it can make your body and mind run rampant. The tornado of emotions that take over when the anticipation becomes more than you "think" you can bear. Where does that come from? What in my life had caused me to "feel" like this? I had never fallen out of control except for in dreams...and those always wake me up. So all was good until we lifted off the ground and the helicopter slid sideways in the air...my mind says I'm not supposed to be sideways and the fear overtook. I slammed my eyes shut, breathing almost fast enough to go into a full hyperventilation and handed hubby the phone. Thank God for sign language and that he too reads and speaks it...I said you take the pics in ASL!

The entire ride was only 6 minutes but the first 3 was a lifetime and such a waste of fearful time. I knew this was possibly the only time I would ever be up in a helicopter, and I so wanted to enjoy it. I seriously couldn't come to terms with anything during the first half except that I want down, out, and I can't breathe. Then like a swift wind of reassurance and peace came over me the moment I said; God you have to have this because I'm out of control here! I looked down and over the entire world below me...Ahhhh! What splendor and beauty! In that moment all was right with the world. Beautiful, awe, complete perfection without a flaw; my eyes captured every essence of creation.  There's no evil here, there's actually a sense of release of needing control, and a place in which to fulfill serenity within the heart, mind, and soul here. I enjoyed those last 3 minutes with much happiness in my heart. 

I wish to do it again someday. Did I just say that?

The doors/windows right there by my side reminded me of when I was on the road in a cabover semi and we went over a bridge...I could see the river below and it scared me then. These flashbacks of different scenarios ran through my head. I remembered being on top of a tall building looking down over the Plaza in Kansas City, MO and thinking...heights are not my issue; being in control of my feet being on solid ground is the issue. In that truck, my feet though on the floor board, was not on solid ground. My feet on a rollercoaster climbing the anticipation of the drop is not on solid ground. My feet in a helicopter is not on solid ground. In an airplane my feet are also not on solid ground...but I am encaged with the body of the airplane above the waist in which gives me comfort. On most rollercoasters that have some type of siding to the car; I am okay. It's when there's a view straight down beside me and no solid footing on Earth that I lose it. I discovered so much about myself on this ride of a lifetime. Now the hubby says...sky diving is next. #adrenalinerush 

So I feared not being on solid ground, that God isn't really in control, and what the lies in my head were telling me. I was going to fall, I was yet again going to be out of control and that in itself brings chaos, I cannot trust another human, I was going to die, and that God doesn't take care of me. Trusting another human...now that's one I still have to work on; I don't fear them but I sure don't trust them. I'm not so sure we're supposed to, but I have come to realize that expectations of another don't always come through. When those expectations aren't met...we tend to think the worst of another or ourselves. Don't fall into that trap. Not one human can be your everything...and it's not fair to expect it. That's too much weight to bear. 

So this is all for you out there that have yet to face your fears head on... #thestruggleisreal 

Isaiah 41:10...Do not fear! (multiple other verses can be found on not being fearful)

The higher we soar the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly. — Friedrich Nietzsche

~

Simply LOLA

Isolated in grief...while everyone else is living...

...do you not notice, I'm dying here in grief. I'm broken and I'm lost! No I don't want to talk, no I don't want to get out of bed, no I can't sleep with the reels of my loved one running through my head. I can't stop the flashbacks of what happened; and why would I want to go to sleep just to be reliving that horrific dreadful moment. How am I to go on? Why if God is good, did this happen to me? I'm so mad at God! My heart is broken, my thoughts are stuck, and now I'm just numb. I've cried to the point I can't cry anymore. It's someone's fault and they must pay! I'm mad at the person who left me behind, alone, and to deal with all the people that were part of our lives! I don't care if God wanted another angel or if this was part of his plan...what about me? The thoughts go on and on...and before this horrific event; one would've never thought such things. You probably haven't either unless you have been dealt such cards. But this is no game; it's the reality of grief. Who can get back to life as it was...that person isn't there?

Yes and it will never be the same. You will travel through many firsts the first year. You will go through all the steps of grief, and it's not a road any of us want to endure. And you'll travel that journey whether you want to or not. When everyone goes back to their lives as it always has been for them; you will still be at this place doing without the one you love. Every emotion that is possible you will encounter when it's not expected and in those please know, you are not alone. People will say things that will strike you in a wrong way, and remember they are only trying to help & console the best they can without any experience in such a journey. There's no time frame for healing, grief, or acceptance...and you may even question or quit your faith. It's all ok. Keep sharing your life, reaching out; with the pictures, the journey, and the love that you two shared...there's many of us that need to be reminded; life is short. You are loved and I'm so sorry that you have to endure this journey so soon. 

This last paragraph was a comment I left on social media for a family member whom just lost her husband within the week. Death stings the people left behind and sometimes it's as if it's an deathly allergic reaction; consuming the mind, body, and soul...to the point they actually die, feel like they are going to, or want to.

These rollercoaster feelings (that some just work so hard not to feel) exacerbate when we must journey through such grief. We don't get to choose when this happens, and in this we will never have control. I have found that these very steps also are gone through in all types of grief though maybe not to the intense degree. Not just death but divorce, broken relationships of any degree, childhood trauma, failure of expectations whether self or another, a diagnosis of a child that changes your entire world, a health diagnosis for self, and it goes on and on. 

We must be thoughtful with our words to those going thru such...sometimes a hug or a card stating thinking about you is much more heart touching than anything you can actually say. Most of the time they cannot hear you anyway because the grief is so LOUD.You may be a light in this world but to them there is dark, thick storm clouds between you and them; they can't see it.They may not answer the text, door, FB post, etc because they just can't; don't take that personally...it's not you.  You can ask, what's the best way to help...but really most can't answer that because they have no idea. The only thing that would really help is having their loved one back. 

This is dedicated to my grieving friend, family member, and sister in Christ...Linda Spalding Kirchoff. May each and everyday you never forget how much you are loved and impacting the world with your story. At this time, you may not care to share but in time there will be a place and persons in which you will be the only one that can help them feel "known and not alone". Your marriage to Mike was a beautiful one that cultivated amazing children that also impact others that many never get to experience at the level you did...so thank you for showing all of us what an example of "fun and in love" looks like. I'm so sorry it was cut off short. Much love!

4 steps to NO MORE FOOD/SWEET Cravings (Step 4)

I'll apologize right now for being so late in posting step 4. I had to be sure that this was the step I could stand on and had experienced in changing our new way of life. I'm assured now! After experiencing two full weekends away from home and one was on us at the last minute with no time to prepare; I can officially say step 4 is Give Yourself a Break!

Good grief son, where is your other shoe while dad is yelling from the garage do you have everything ready to load? Uhh do you think I thought about grabbing food? No! So while last minute things happen in our lives it is imperative to have planned organic snacks such as mixed nuts, fruit, frozen cold pressed juice, protein/fiber balls, salads on hand at all times. Grab it and throw it in a cooler, lunch bag whatever. There is going to be a curve ball thrown at some point. I have never been so sure of this change now that I didn't have a plan. What an amazing learning experience and confirmation that #foodmatters and I was #hungryforchange. (click on links for awesome documentaries, recipes, and so much more; no I'm not being paid to advertise for them!)

Out the door we went, and we all ate horrible...back to the original processed foods, restaurants, etc to meet the demands of our stomach. Sure we could've stopped and got the better choices from a store, but we were so limited on time & funds that made it not possible. We had to eat CHEAP...but we didn't fall for McDonalds whoot whoot!! See I'm using an excuse...what I thought was cheap; now we're dealing with abdominal cramping, digestive issues, gained weight, and the lil' guy's behaviors are off the chart gain. Those side effects don't come cheap either...I''m a failure was the first thought! No I'm not...we fell off the track and now we have to get back on. It is very clear to me and this experience is a confirmation that nutrition, food types and choices make all the difference in the world.

So if you have fallen off track or maybe even derailed and felt like you've been left there to rust away; I've got good news...tomorrow is another day. Dust yourself off, pick yourself back up, and change your choices. Thankfully we've made it back home (very very broke by the way) and managed to have just $30 to go to the store. If you buy organic food...you know $30 isn't going to get much and we've got a week to live before payday. (Do I want to admit this, no...hell no! But I found that in my transparency other's gain. For that, I in my embarrassment will be humbled enough to say it can still be done)

So the scoop, we had either in freezer or pantry; 4 lbs of grass fed hamburger, a 2lb bag of organic pinto beans, a few apples, a tomato, left over gluten free birthday cake, 3 jars of half used and different kinds of salsa, a onion, rib bones, a pkg of quinoa and Kale, head of lettuce, cornbread mix,
and a grass fed beef heart.

We went to Aldi's this morning with our $30 and bought:Yes all organic, etc...

a. peanut butter
b. 2 pkg sliced ham
c. loaf of bread (Did you know that sourdough bread doesn't have added sugar...just a note)
d. 2 boxes of spaghetti
e. 2 jars of spaghetti sauce
f. Shredded grass fed cheese
g. 2 cans of refried beans
h. 2 pkg Basil and Tomato chicken sausage
i. 1 bag of blue tortilla chips


Mind you that's all we have...meals will be

Tonight:Taco Salad (put the rib bones in and roasted this morning and then on into the crockpot to make bone broth...cooks for 48 hours. Then took out the beef heart to thaw and marinate for 24 hours)

Tuesday: Beef heart with side of quinoa and kale

Wednesday: Spaghetti with basil and tomato chicken sausage

Thursday:Beans cooked in bone broth and cornbread

Friday: Pay day baby!! With two pounds of hamburger left over!

Sweet! Now I'll admit even with organic this is not the best of our meals nutritionally, but it's sure better than that restaurant and gas station food. I only shared this last info to prove that you can eat better even on a tight budget. Can't wait for whole fruit and veggies back in the fridge this weekend
....and more so for the garden to start producing. I hope and pray this helps somebody!

Give yourself a break...tomorrow is another day to dust off and do the best you can! Hugs!!

Fear Failed

Who knows what will happen but today...today I am free from the worry of what tomorrow might be or look like or even feel like. I am writing today because it is my way to escape when the weather is blistering cold and I can't get out among the trees, the water, and the breathe life that God has so graciously allowed me to have daily. Whom am I and what is my family that you have brought me this far... 2 Samuel 7:18. I'm honestly in awe of the deliverance in so many areas, but today I am free...free of fear. I'm not saying it will never come again, shoot that wouldn't be reality but in this moment there is peace. Honestly a bit of excitement instead of anxiety is building as I'm facing one of the biggest fears ever in my life directly in it's face. I am stepping out into something one professional told me I couldn't.

There have been many opportunities to do this very thing, but the fear was as if chains after chains with wenches were holding me back. It was fake....it was when I was young, impressionable, and naive that the words "you can't do that" stuck. Then many other relationships, words, and journeys in my life piled on top of that confirmation of  "you can't...you're a failure so don't risk it". I've even recently been given the words from a dear Christian friend whom thought they were being supportive add to this failure thoughts by stating I wasn't trusting God. Fail! The enemy will get your focus off your designed purpose however he can. I was given a what I call a natural gift, and I am now going to step out of fear into "in spite of it". I do mean when I say "I" only by God can I do anything. God gets all the glory.

There's a book to be written behind these 10 fingers just in this one story alone. And no, not right now, I'm not saying what I'm doing...just know that I really went from paralysis into letting my Creator carry me through. His Will will get done no-matter what we fear. :) So for the last several weeks these are just some of the spontaneous things, words, requests, texts, and pictures that have come across my lap personally to confirm my direction is now: step out and change fear to faith with freedom...

I also then received a video link sent to my email...

I'm not listening either :)

So, I realized I'm a dreamer...and my fears came from thinking about failing what could be the end result. But see, I have to stop. Be still in the moment to find what today has for me. I've wasted many days worrying about a tomorrow that isn't promised to me. If I try today, and die tomorrow then I have succeeded because failure wasn't in the "trying it"...failure would be in doing nothing.

Circus animals are trained from the time of infants by chains holding onto their legs. This gives them a boundary in which they come to realize they cannot pass over. So when the elephant then becomes big...it doesn't know that the trainers have unlatched it from the anchor, so this large animal still thinks its being held back and doesn't even try to go past it's boundary. Even though, this monstrous powerhouse could have pulled it's weight and won against such an anchor for a very long time...it's perception and mind has been tricked into thinking it couldn't. Well, I'm a monstrous powerhouse that God has freed for His Glory. I thought I was still stuck, chained, and locked away from being what was already naturally mine to share.

Can't wait to share my destiny. If you're in my personal life then you're part of the story too...how fun!