Isolated in grief...while everyone else is living...

...do you not notice, I'm dying here in grief. I'm broken and I'm lost! No I don't want to talk, no I don't want to get out of bed, no I can't sleep with the reels of my loved one running through my head. I can't stop the flashbacks of what happened; and why would I want to go to sleep just to be reliving that horrific dreadful moment. How am I to go on? Why if God is good, did this happen to me? I'm so mad at God! My heart is broken, my thoughts are stuck, and now I'm just numb. I've cried to the point I can't cry anymore. It's someone's fault and they must pay! I'm mad at the person who left me behind, alone, and to deal with all the people that were part of our lives! I don't care if God wanted another angel or if this was part of his plan...what about me? The thoughts go on and on...and before this horrific event; one would've never thought such things. You probably haven't either unless you have been dealt such cards. But this is no game; it's the reality of grief. Who can get back to life as it was...that person isn't there?

Yes and it will never be the same. You will travel through many firsts the first year. You will go through all the steps of grief, and it's not a road any of us want to endure. And you'll travel that journey whether you want to or not. When everyone goes back to their lives as it always has been for them; you will still be at this place doing without the one you love. Every emotion that is possible you will encounter when it's not expected and in those please know, you are not alone. People will say things that will strike you in a wrong way, and remember they are only trying to help & console the best they can without any experience in such a journey. There's no time frame for healing, grief, or acceptance...and you may even question or quit your faith. It's all ok. Keep sharing your life, reaching out; with the pictures, the journey, and the love that you two shared...there's many of us that need to be reminded; life is short. You are loved and I'm so sorry that you have to endure this journey so soon. 

This last paragraph was a comment I left on social media for a family member whom just lost her husband within the week. Death stings the people left behind and sometimes it's as if it's an deathly allergic reaction; consuming the mind, body, and soul...to the point they actually die, feel like they are going to, or want to.

These rollercoaster feelings (that some just work so hard not to feel) exacerbate when we must journey through such grief. We don't get to choose when this happens, and in this we will never have control. I have found that these very steps also are gone through in all types of grief though maybe not to the intense degree. Not just death but divorce, broken relationships of any degree, childhood trauma, failure of expectations whether self or another, a diagnosis of a child that changes your entire world, a health diagnosis for self, and it goes on and on. 

We must be thoughtful with our words to those going thru such...sometimes a hug or a card stating thinking about you is much more heart touching than anything you can actually say. Most of the time they cannot hear you anyway because the grief is so LOUD.You may be a light in this world but to them there is dark, thick storm clouds between you and them; they can't see it.They may not answer the text, door, FB post, etc because they just can't; don't take that personally...it's not you.  You can ask, what's the best way to help...but really most can't answer that because they have no idea. The only thing that would really help is having their loved one back. 

This is dedicated to my grieving friend, family member, and sister in Christ...Linda Spalding Kirchoff. May each and everyday you never forget how much you are loved and impacting the world with your story. At this time, you may not care to share but in time there will be a place and persons in which you will be the only one that can help them feel "known and not alone". Your marriage to Mike was a beautiful one that cultivated amazing children that also impact others that many never get to experience at the level you did...so thank you for showing all of us what an example of "fun and in love" looks like. I'm so sorry it was cut off short. Much love!