Seeing through the trees

Just a typical day, sitting on the back door steps, hot sweet Italian coffee warms my hands and the morning October cool breeze upon my face. I'm unloading the thoughts of the past several months since we were ever so blessed with this rental home. As the days get closer to the end of the year, some anxiety builds in regards to signing the closing docs on our new kottage (spelling on purpose) I call it. Am I just so desperate that I'll take anything to be a homeowner, is this a mistake, blah blah blah. It's not, the blessings and provisions of God have been all over this place since the first walk through to rent it.

We have trees that line up along the privacy fence that separate us from the field behind our house. The trees have been full all summer, and autumn has arrived causing one of the trees in the middle to lose most of its' leaves already. When this happens, it means we loose many hours of daylight. I'm personally impacted by SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), so my time with the sun has been depleting daily. I can already feel the suction of the gloom that seems to be alive and hungry; ready to suck me fully in. This year I cannot allow that to happen, so I've been blessed by God's provision, grace, and mercy to have had lots of friends/family visit me, a new hobby of painting/antiquing, a new organic business that lines up with our dietary lifestyle (I'd love it if you would "like" my FB page). I'm also being proactive by setting up a life group to start in my home for women to connect, encourage, support and pray for each other while studying the bible together.

Back to the trees! If you have followed my journey at all...this ties back to the "take my own path" in the Journey of significance blog. So Anyway, the other evening I was sitting in this same spot realizing I had never seen this particular view before from this location anyway. The leaves are falling off the one particular tree in the middle...and I was like, ohhh look at that beautiful sunset. I felt as if God himself had reached down from Heaven and embraced me with His arm around me pointing with the other hand, saying "see, even though there is a season in which things look dead and dreary...I've got something new and beautiful for you to see. Look thru the yuck and see my glory just for you!" I felt he also confirmed that I heard Him back in June to make my own path, proclaim it as mine, and live it fully.

I believe this moment right now He has confirmed my steps, I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and as more leaves fall off...I will see even more that he has for me. See the full trees give shelter, protection, oxygen, and beauty all in themselves, but there comes a time for them to rest so they can be fruitful in the season in which they were created to be fruitful. If they were always full, we'd miss out on all the other we are to see. I know these words are also speaking right directly to someone and this too is confirmation for you; you are going to be ok, there is more out there for you, and He's got you! I love Him so!! Some will read this and think...I don't get it, that's okay too. It may not be for you right now or ever. But if it is, please let me know as these days do bring a shadow of gloom that can talk negatively in a whisper that says...I don't have anything to say that anyone needs. Thank you for the ones whom keep on following my journey, encourage me, and most of all check in on me when I'm silent (we all know something is wrong if I am). :)

So another confirmation came across my FB newsfeed today and I want to share that with you. A door that has a tree with few leaves...I'm walking through!! I believe there really is something on the other side very much above what I can comprehend or believe; and it's going to be mesmerizing! So let me leave you with this...you've got your own beautiful journey...have faith He'll take you to the most beautiful places to see the most extravagant things, and it might mean going through a season of gloomy, dead looking, life all around...but your heart will be full.

Launch day...a journey of significance

Live Video from today...watch first.

As I watch my natural silver highlights grow out, the skin upon my hands wrinkle,
death of family fall all around me, and the friends struggle in different areas in their lives...drove me to question so many things. My mind was going crazy with what's next? I don't have that much longer on earth to live and what will I leave behind? I'm not leaving "stuff" to be disregarded and trashed...I want to leave with someone who's life was improved, empowered, healed, and served by my love for them.

So about those birds...there's two significant things that I got from the birds flying into the net. The first was that even though they looked like fools flying right into a net, they got back up and flew off like they had no other choice. I know when I make a mistake or look like a fool in whatever area of life, I tend to stay down and drown in my sorrows. :( That's not the place to be as it brings no benefit to anyone. If I stay down anymore I hope I'll just take a moment to process what could've been different, what choices I can take for the next event, and allow myself to be human with mistakes, foolish decisions, etc.

Secondly, the birds taught me that maybe I shouldn't be following to begin with. If I'm following, there is NO way to see the obstacles up ahead. If I'm following, I'm going to fall into the trap along with the one I'm following. We're tied up in following these days especially on social media, our significance is in how many followers, friends, etc that we have...and that is just leading one to a place of discouragement, disappointments, and blocking the path in which you have been designed to take. If we're on another person's journey when then in fact cannot be completing our purpose in life.

We are each uniquely designed to "give" to the world a part of us that no one else can. Through that statement we then are given all that make us complete in this life. I'm so thankful for the broken chains of weight called popularity and acceptance. I'll be completely honest that I felt like a total idiot after doing that video and the abundance of fear that weighed me down in anticipation to do the video about killed me, but YOU....the many that have messaged me, commented, and called already gave me the confirmation that I did step out in the right direction today. Confirmation of what I question is my calling is being fulfilled each minute. I love you all and care about you! So look out in front of you, and not your past or current struggle but at the forest awaiting in front of you with a journey only you can enjoy, only you were designed for, and conquer the world in which only you can!! :)

Happy National Donut Day...can you tell I really would like to have one, but I won't. Please let me know if you had a donut for me. :) You are significant...you have a purpose...LAUNCH!

A song for you!

Confessions of Jealousy/Envy

Eww! Who wants to go there, though we all have at times? I’ve been yet again convicted to write because I am a writer, but (there’s that procrastination word and one that in my book reasons quietly under “failure”) I’ll never have what it takes or even have a listening ear that is impacted, a reader interested enough to read it, no one follows my kind of topics, I’ll never be paid to do it; so why do it? So, what brings up this discussion?

I downloaded an app recently that was suggested by the She Speaks Conference 2015 called First 5. This conference is something that I’ve longed to be a part of or at least go to; hoping to learn what it takes to be “successful” (that word is distorted in my perception of what it really looks like…different for each person I’m assured, but being paid to do it would be the ultimate favor of God). I could never go because I truly cannot afford to go in my current financial place. I have a special needs son that I couldn’t find care for him long enough to attend. All these excuses and the word never can really bring someone down. Can I ever be okay with never getting to attend? Jealousy sets in for those who get to go; and even more if it’s someone I know. :( Pitiful, I can’t celebrate with them due to my own selfishness and pride. 

By downloading this app; I decided I’d actually check out what it had to offer.

Honestly, the reason behind me seeking today’s devotion and what it had to offer was because I have felt a nudge yet again to write; and more confirmations have followed that nudge. I was seeking would God give me a yet another confirmation today through the app? Ohhh did He! Not only confirmation did I get, along came a greater conviction; I pray it brings healing.

Today’s 5 minutes with God is going to take way more than 5 minutes; it’s titled, Wanting What You Have. A lovely quote tops off the page, “Contentment is the key to experiencing success” by Wendy Pope. I almost didn’t read it because its first appearance had nothing to do with me writing. I was so wrong. It had everything to do with my not writing. It’s the very reason I get stuck and then quit. The little but loud phrases that enter my ear stating; I can’t, No one cares, No one will read it or be impacted, You can’t afford to self publish and no publisher is ever going to take you on, your grammar and language skills are not up to par, blah, blah, blah. Who wants that yelling in their ear; not me, so I quit.

After reading the devotion and digging deeper, I found myself processing the “My Moment” question…”Is there someone whose success you envy? How can you begin to celebrate them today?” Then it has a place for you to respond and keep your ideas, thoughts, answers, notes called “My Moments”. My response to that was this, I copied the verse 1 Timothy 6:6-8 (NIV); 6 But godliness with contentment is great gain. 7 For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. 8 But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.

Envy/jealously has caused me to get stuck and quit especially if others’ success topic is in the same realm of mine (writing, speaking, and women’s ministry). Is there someone, you ask? There’s too many! I know the perception is off because there’s only one me and one of them. We’re all given separate gifts, talents, callings in life to build on and share the encouragement of Christ and all He has to offer. We are to share so we too can be known and to know each other, making a way so we can acknowledge we’re not alone.

I can begin celebrating by first confessing this sin to God, then to someone else so that I may be healed. God help me. I can’t move into what you have in store for me, and now I see clearly why I’ve been stuck. Who knows, my beginnings just might be writing about the celebrations of others? Ohhh that last sentence is deep and hard but came out on paper quicker than I can process it in my head. Yikes! God is good and he has a plan for each of us; including me.

So after typing all that in; a thought…I’ve gotta call one of my accountability partners, Amy Dmyterko, Founder and Speaker of Tell It Ministries and confess. Not only confessing my conviction of the day but also letting her know that she was also one of those that I envied. Yuck! I hated to say it but I knew I had too. So I celebrate her today; you’ll not find another that will make your belly hurt with laughter pains, impact you for a lifetime, and make you jealous. A beautiful woman inside and out; and guess what she makes mistakes too just like us. She’s a woman after Christ and willing to tell it like it is. Kudo’s to you Amy; I’m so happy for where you’ve come, been, gone, but more excited about where God is taking your ministry and you personally. Hugs girl!!

As my story unfolds…May you be encouraged, impacted, or if nothing else entertained by my transparency in the trips, falls, and pit dwellings (ohh wait, and my success’) on my journey of life. I am a writer  (for that very statement I have to give credit to someone who doesn't know me but has been a part of this initial recent convictions to get back to writing due to his email in regards to stating my identity. Thanks Jeff Goins for your encouragement). 

So, with that I will be content because I have food and clothing. :)

 

Disclosure: As always I do have my own dictionary; meaning I make up words, spell them however I like and that’s ok. Forgive my errors for I am just a human no less or better than you. Be Blessed and be thankful you don't have to be one of those whom have to listen to my dictionary of words. Pray for my husband and kids!

Reflection perceptions

This new journey for me moving to Valley Center from Kansas City has really brought an early detection of Freedom. At the end of 2012, I felt like the word "prepare" was given to me as the word of the year for '13. For those whom know me from the city, do know that '13 was a prep year for me. Our family had just finished out of a year's worth of daily chemo for Koda in Jan. '13 and a entire battle with the school system that failed the safety of Koda by him being locked out of school for over an hour, my husband's job had became a bit dysfunctional in kind words that gave us a scare, we were involved in delivering weekly back-snacks for kids whom might not have food for the weekend, my grandma whom adopted me at 14 was facing the horrors of Alzheimer's and depression (which we've now brought down to Wichita with us), we consistently took care of and prayed with a group of homeless people who lived under a bridge, we were challenged on how much we could give away and survive ourselves, we built new support groups, study groups, and challenged discipleship. We built....wait, some conviction here...we didn't do anything but listen to what we felt as if God was asking us to do and only by Him did we do anything. Ok, that's cleared up.

Rick faithfully worked with New Life Family Church's food pantry to load and unload food from Harvester's to feed the average 800 people a month. Food Pantry video (now it's over 1000) These are the public things that were called of us not to mention the "prepare" spiritually, emotionally, and the healing that happened in the quiet background of all of this that I won't share here. (this is Kudos to an awesome God we serve...if you know us personally it's miraculous that we're alive honestly)

Ok, so prepared we got which was then in preparation of a move that has a story of God's perfect details down to the house in which we live right now....now what? The word for the year of 2014 is FREEDOM for me personally, and I'm hoping my entire family and friends will see, grow, and be brought to a place of freedom themselves. What does freedom mean for me? Well it's just now the end of January, and I'll start blogging them.

Freedom of some FEARS: I've carried for a very very long time that are stories within themselves. I kid you not that would bring to a place of paralyzed, and so I will later blog about each of these fears.

Fear #1:

Finding a creative side of me...I painted for the very first time last night at Let's Paint Wichita. Which is the painting above that actually is the reason for today's blog. Reflections I found have quite the differences of perspective from each author, reader, painter, teacher, student, friend, parent, sibling, neighbor, musician, listener, cook, etc by what sense you use to determine that perspective. I know neither of the women on each side of me knew what I was thinking, feeling, or anything else at the time because really each were concerned at getting the appropriate brush, correct color, placing exactly where they were instructed to do so. I noticed that not all were listening to the instructor either just as they should have because of either they were so hyper-focused on perfection or what the girl/guy next to them were saying. 

Quite the observation I must say. Way too fun for me...I soaked up each moment, each level of anxiety, each joke and each sarcastic word said, I felt the fear, anxiety, and the tension of room...which brought me to a place of "you're not alone even among these "been doing this a long time" people". I found no one could perfect the reflection in the water no matter how hard they tried. Reflection always has a distortion to me even in the mirror...see it all goes with what else does the reflection have to share it's story? Lighting, color, clearness of the water/mirror, whatever.

My freedom from this fear is that I had a distorted reflection of my creativity. It's not that expected my paintings to be perfect or anything I create to be but that I created and this fear failed. It no longer has a hold of distortion. I can create, I will create, actually I've been shown through this that I have always been an original creator...in relationships. There's no other me...and that's creative. 

Until the next fear failed is shared...Be you, Be original, and Be!! 

This picture is from (https://www.facebook.com/HeartCenteredRebalancing)

Fear Failed

Who knows what will happen but today...today I am free from the worry of what tomorrow might be or look like or even feel like. I am writing today because it is my way to escape when the weather is blistering cold and I can't get out among the trees, the water, and the breathe life that God has so graciously allowed me to have daily. Whom am I and what is my family that you have brought me this far... 2 Samuel 7:18. I'm honestly in awe of the deliverance in so many areas, but today I am free...free of fear. I'm not saying it will never come again, shoot that wouldn't be reality but in this moment there is peace. Honestly a bit of excitement instead of anxiety is building as I'm facing one of the biggest fears ever in my life directly in it's face. I am stepping out into something one professional told me I couldn't.

There have been many opportunities to do this very thing, but the fear was as if chains after chains with wenches were holding me back. It was fake....it was when I was young, impressionable, and naive that the words "you can't do that" stuck. Then many other relationships, words, and journeys in my life piled on top of that confirmation of  "you can't...you're a failure so don't risk it". I've even recently been given the words from a dear Christian friend whom thought they were being supportive add to this failure thoughts by stating I wasn't trusting God. Fail! The enemy will get your focus off your designed purpose however he can. I was given a what I call a natural gift, and I am now going to step out of fear into "in spite of it". I do mean when I say "I" only by God can I do anything. God gets all the glory.

There's a book to be written behind these 10 fingers just in this one story alone. And no, not right now, I'm not saying what I'm doing...just know that I really went from paralysis into letting my Creator carry me through. His Will will get done no-matter what we fear. :) So for the last several weeks these are just some of the spontaneous things, words, requests, texts, and pictures that have come across my lap personally to confirm my direction is now: step out and change fear to faith with freedom...

I also then received a video link sent to my email...

I'm not listening either :)

So, I realized I'm a dreamer...and my fears came from thinking about failing what could be the end result. But see, I have to stop. Be still in the moment to find what today has for me. I've wasted many days worrying about a tomorrow that isn't promised to me. If I try today, and die tomorrow then I have succeeded because failure wasn't in the "trying it"...failure would be in doing nothing.

Circus animals are trained from the time of infants by chains holding onto their legs. This gives them a boundary in which they come to realize they cannot pass over. So when the elephant then becomes big...it doesn't know that the trainers have unlatched it from the anchor, so this large animal still thinks its being held back and doesn't even try to go past it's boundary. Even though, this monstrous powerhouse could have pulled it's weight and won against such an anchor for a very long time...it's perception and mind has been tricked into thinking it couldn't. Well, I'm a monstrous powerhouse that God has freed for His Glory. I thought I was still stuck, chained, and locked away from being what was already naturally mine to share.

Can't wait to share my destiny. If you're in my personal life then you're part of the story too...how fun!