Day 14- God will move you (unexpected provision)

Day 14 was a productive one. As soon as the hubby got home from work first thing (he works third shift) we got the kiddo off to camp then headed to get the utilities turned on in our name. The quickest route comes will a toll, so we decided to sign up for a KTag which will be beneficial to go into Oklahoma and also to Kansas City. After we got done with that we headed over to the new house because first we needed to confirm the keys worked but also I needed to refresh my memory of what it looked like. To be honest, when we viewed it the first time, I didn't see everything I wanted to nor took it in like I should have. I'm so excited now because its (house and yard) bigger than I thought.

My heart got a tad filled just because I saw kid's bikes at our neighbor's houses on both sides. Koda might actually have kids to play with and who knows; establish his first "best" friend. Wouldn't that be amazing? I have high hopes and am praying already that the parents along with the children are accepting and friendly. Here I am at 3am blogging on the morning of the 15th day only because I got into a packing mood when hubby left for work. I don't want to be cramming to get stuff done at the last minute so I focused on the kitchen. It's all packed up, refrigerator cleaned, etc. Got the kiddo's room all done right before bed, so all that is really left is the bathroom, last minute stuff and living room which has the big stuff in it.

Can't wait until morning though...we find out if we get our Ozzy (dog) back. It's been such an emotional week just in that topic alone. Emotions are a rollercoaster ride so many times and today wasn't left out. We were blessed by a dear friends today whom wired us money just because they felt led to. They had no idea the financial place we were in or at least not the extent of it. I so cried! I cried because it melts me when God shows off through His creation like that; not just with money but provision and unexpected at that.

If we are allowed to have Ozzy back, it will cost $200 to get him out. With all the moving expenses, this fee was just more than we had to pay...we were looking poorly for groceries and gas until the next payday as is, so by the tender grace and mercy of God, we are assuming we will get him back because the finances became available to do so. Yes, I'm claiming that as the final word...we'll see yet again. Stay tuned...

~Blessings
Simply LOLA

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Day 13...God will move you! (The best chaotic story yet)

Here we are at day 13...and we have a home! We signed the lease with the option to buy in 6 months today and will be moving to Wellington, KS this Friday.  God provided and let me tell you all about it.

First off let me tell you this house that we're leaving has meant a lot with symbols that only relate to our personal story, but one thing was our house # here was 555 which is our son's birthday #'s. The new house is 1306 which is my birthday numbers...and here we are on the 13th day. Just some cool stuff that means nothing else but are little coincidences that make us smile. We definitely know we were supposed to be here at least up until now if for nothing more than all that our son received in services, etc.

We got the official notice to vacate in the mail today stating that July's rent was still expected though on the phone last week, the landlord called to tell me if we moved out early they would gladly prorate/refund the rent that we didn't use. HA! I'm sorry, but we've planned to be out of here on July 1st from the beginning because we didn't have the funds to pay rent here, pay deposit for the new plus rent. In reality we didn't have the first month's rent even when we signed the lease today, but they are letting us move in anyway and waiting until the next pay period for that. How awesome is that!! Also please know that this new house is up for sale, so they are putting it on a pending status with the realtor for the 6 months until we confirm whether we want it or not. How nice!! God's mercy is fabulous! No showings while we rent, and no possibility of us being kicked out again. To be honest she had a cash buyer offer to buy it yesterday, but since she already told us we could sign the lease today; she refused to sell it due to our circumstances. Amazing...I don't know that I would've done that in her situation.

Taken from Facebook and want to give credit but can't find the page again, sorry!

One hour after signing the new lease...seriously I get a call from the current landlord asking if we'd like to go ahead and stay! What the hell?! Seriously?!? Yes, they're willing to move into the other property they offered us because they got a special transportation allowance to keep their kids in the district while they build their new house. I'm sorry but I've never felt boiling in my body like I did at that minute. See they offered us to move into their other rental property for $150 more a month (see that story here, its a whopper too) when they told us we had to move 13 days ago. No! We declined because we can't afford to pay that much for rent, and it would move us out of the school district so we decided to look elsewhere. God, what are you doing? Did we jump ahead too soon not trusting you? Did we do exactly what we were supposed to? I asked all these questions, and honestly I'm still asking.

The hubby had to remind me why we're not staying...they wouldn't fix what needed to be done. For example the bathroom linoleum started cracking from the 2 leaks that happened. They fixed the leak but never fixed the floor. When we needed a new toilet, they put in a new toilet right over the cracked floor. I tried to hide and protect it as much as possible with a rug, but really; why would someone allow that? It's not going to repair itself and it's sure not going to keep from getting worse. I wouldn't doubt it now that there is mold in the walls of the bathroom as they never pulled the walls back to fix the leaks, but did something from the outside where the faucet hooks in. There were leaks in the hallway from the drainage and they just wanted us to dry the carpet, never pulling it up to replace or clean it. Ugh! Ok, I remember now. Now I'll give them credit otherwise as they never bothered us.

Here's the other provisions:
1. New house comes with 5 bedrooms/2 bath (no more sharing w/ the kid), huge shop/garage (hubby gets his man cave), we backed up to a small lake (ohh heck yeah, FISHING), it has a basement (the kid no longer scared of dangerous weather), it has a reverse osmosis system (yay for everyone!), and it's $250 cheaper a month...HALLELUJAH!! Now mind you I'm not trying to make this house glamorous because it's not; it's a fixer upper but nothing we can't live in while deciding if we'll buy. We would no where close to be being homeowners if we stayed at the current location. It's a beautiful thought.

 I'm just going to laugh now at my future...it's all in His hands as it's always been!! So day 13 God has provided and it's not over yet...I'm going out the entire 30 because I believe there is more to reveal. We're embracing joy as we take these steps into our unknown future/path.

~ Blessings!

Simply LOLA

Day 8-12...God will move you

...and He'll make sure you don't accidentally go somewhere you're not supposed to either after this week of seeking homes. What a mess! We called on 6 different homes, left messages, and to receive  notta, nothing, no calls back on any of those. We went to look at another; NOPE...I wouldn't suggest a terrorist even live there. Ewww! Had another I really liked and well...after emailing and talking on the phone, I was to get an email with the website for an application to fill out and the lock code to go in for viewing. Nope, notta, nothing returned with any such info on that either. Guess you can say...those weren't the right ones. So we're back to the first one we looked at and applied for...more tomorrow on that. (All of this happened from day 8-11)

So back to Day 8: Zoey, our dog they took (That story is here) and we aren't getting back failed her assessments, so she was put down. Day 8 was devastating to me, so pretty much nothing got done except lots of kleenex, cold washrags, and tears; that's enough about that.

From that moment on it's been like being in the passing lane at full speed as we're trying to find a gas station because we're about out of gas.

Day 9: Productivity started back up for the monkeys in my circus. Pay Day! Direct Deposit Happy Dance, LOL!! We started getting things out of here and into storage. We had to make some decisions before doing anything else to make sure the budget was up for all that needed to happen and that could possibly come up. So, we decided that we would be out of this house by the 1st so we didn't have to pay rent here and not have enough for another if we found one. (OMGolly...where are we going to go; we haven't got a house yet! Just one thought that came across my mind.) Uhh, was that the right thing to do; I don't know...but it is absolutely what we had to do. I mean our current landlords did tell us that if we moved out sooner than the end of July (oh yeah, because we are now getting an official 30 days to move letter on the 1st...ugh) that they would reimburse us that amount. So, for them...this is a good thing right? They're going to get it on the 1st! I've gotta find something good in it. So one week left to pack up and get out! We can do this!! That evening we were blessed with the presence of my youngest daughter and her fiancé. It was nice to have the company that I didn't have to entertain and could do what I needed to do.

Day 10: The daughter so kindly takes the other small sibling to the movies so we can go house hunting which I already mentioned above was a fail! Early evening we took a break from packing, etc to go to the hubby's work event called Family Fun Day at Eberly Farms. It was hot...thank God for pools! The hubby took part in the washer tournament with his partner in crime that also has a lame hand. Two men both hurt their prominent hands this week...they were out first round. :(

They had paintball targets, petting zoo, zip line, hay rides, barrel rides, playground, mini golf, unlimited popcorn, drinks and cotton candy, and most of all an amazing dinner including grilled chicken, pulled pork, potato salad, baked beans, chips, and ice cream. It made for a great evening with the family.

Day 11: All of us but the hubby and boy slept in until almost 10am. I haven't done that in a coon's age. I'm always usually up between 5-6 no matter what time I go to bed. I must have needed it. Woke up to the boys and trailer being gone with some big items missing from the living room. Wow, they loaded all that and I didn't hear a thing. My hubby is stealthy that way...ever so quite when doing anything; but how I didn't hear the kid is beyond me? Coffee was made; He loves me! After my "have to have it quiet time every morning" time...I started in on breakfast. The young adults rousted up at that time and the finance went running over to storage to see if he could help; quickly coming back as they were all done. We ate, chit chatted a bit, and the girl went through her stuff I was sending home (yes, every report card, drawing, paper, health records, pictures, every single thing I had kept for her since birth is out of here!!). Thankfully she brought his truck; she was loaded. :)

Day 12: Sent the kiddo to camp! We took another load to storage, went to get more boxes and mattress covers...and well just more packing, etc. Nothing exciting that I could post about today. I will say I'm questioning the house we'll hear about; only because it takes the kiddo away from getting to go to camp, his friends that he enjoys so much there, the respite I get from there (let's be honest here...I love respite). New schools (well he was going to have to go to a new school anyway but it would include people he already knew, and they were already prepared for him since we had the transition meeting back at the beginning of May). New neighbors, routes, business', routine, time traveling, wait, stop...I've not signed a lease yet! Breathe!

We found out today that our famous and ever so awesome pharmacist Chad was no longer with the company...Big red flag to us that it's time for us to move on. That's why we've been having so many issues with our meds lately. I found this out while on the phone to find out why they had auto filled one of K's meds with a 300 mg instead of the 100 mg like last month. Long boring story with all that so I will not bore you with such details. Two more days until we find out about Ozzy and if we'll be bringing him back home. Four more days until we're out of this house. God has a plan and we're going to continue to trust in Him.

Thank you so much for the ones who call, message, and text checking on us when I'm socially quiet. I appreciate you all so much for caring enough to follow the journey, and I absolutely cannot wait to expose the Glory of God's perfect provisions. Every time He has made a way for us in some very crazy scenarios. We knew for a while we were headed to move; but He apparently wants it to be NOW!

Blessings~
Simply LOLA

Day 7: God will move you... (take a nap)

The morning started off ever so sweetly with a lunch date request from a friend for next week. I must say, I am in need of some girl time and adult conversations outside the walls of our current situation. I'm thankful for spontaneous moments in life whether they lighten up the day or make it even more chaotic only because of the surprise endings and stories in which one can share. Now don't get me wrong, I love some introverted serenity with a boring schedule from time to time to just catch up on, well...naps!

I took a long one today...all afternoon. I know the naps are becoming a little more addictive these days because when one is depressed it's easier to cope by sleeping off a few hours than have to "feel" the stuff I don't want to. Mr. K didn't get to go to camp today because the gas that was needed for the doctor visit took away from him attending today and tomorrow. All of it has been quite depressing though I know we're going to be alright; it's not where I want to be in life. It sucks actually that so many have had to say "sorry" this last week over several things that have happened. I really would much rather celebrate life, but wouldn't we all?

I find it quite ironic that we actually live in the town of Valley Center, and I've been emotionally, spiritually, financially, and physically in the valley of life since we've moved here. I had expectations of a new place and all the excitement of it; that didn't last long. I don't know that I want to stay and see if there's a future of conquering here. I'm worn. I will admit though I know without a shadow of a doubt much has happened since we moved here for the glory of God to be revealed for our kiddo. He has had so much success through the services, therapies, doctor visits, surgeries, camp, etc...so it's been worth it. Now that he is done with most of that and only needs check ups it's time to move on I guess. It'll be interesting to see how this all plays out by day 30. 

Some good news in the midst of the chaos is, the boy had a follow up appointment for the removal of his ear tubes and graph. We got the all clear this morning which is a nice tune to add to the beating of out of sync drums right now. We sent off an application for place #1 and the fee today, so we'll see what happens with that.

Day 5 & 6: God will move you...(Warning: bipolar post)

Can this all really happen in a few hours? Two days fly by as one. Drama that I'm so not, but that seems to have overtaken my home lately; as if it has become our last name. Be gone with ya! The circus is now closed for maintenance and caring for those who live, preform, and manage such!!

Here we are in the evening of the 6th day...and I have literally lost all concept of what happened before the horrific event last night that landed my husband in the ER and our dogs to be taken from our home. While embracing myself with the ability to grieve giant tears of sorrow, I am thankful for the provision that no one was hurt any worse than they were. I thought I would be able to write this morning, but the encompassing darkness overwhelmed me.

We had to say goodbye to our rescue dog, Zoey for good today. She had been through so much already.

By the time she was 6 months old she had her ears removed inhumanely down to the skull, she had been chemically burned on her back, and she was a bait dog for fights. She was an attention hound and obeyed ever so humbly. But last night; she exploded/snapped...she went after her best friend our other rescue dog Ozzy. Her profound pit-bull jaws locked and aggressively wouldn't seize. The fight was on in our living room with blood slung, teeth puncturing, and became profoundly deaf to our voices. I won't go into the horrific details that followed, but we can't have such destruction and incontrollable outrages within the walls of safety we call home.

I'm sick, I've been curled up most of the day in tangled thoughts of anything and everything else that could've been done to keep this precious creature at peace. Recounting every single visual and audible thing that happened makes for a worn out soul. My eyes are dried out from all the emotion that flowed through them today. I can't explain with words the torment within my stomach and the knots within my heart that will forever be because of this event. It was truly dramatic and traumatic enough that it triggered my personal past abuse.

I'm praying they don't put her down and their assessments she'll pass with flying colors so that she may yet again show the love to another without any additional pets or children. I want to say...I'm done with pets! I don't want my heart to ever break like this again. She drove me absolutely crazy with her loud anxiety driven licking...I'm trying to remind myself why it's okay for her to be gone. That doesn't work, when she so obediently and joyfully got into that patrol car with tail wagging with excitement to go for a ride. Ugh! Baby girl, I'm so sorry! My face swells and puckers that ugly cry face so pitiful to think that she was so miserable and angry in the moment to do such a thing. What kind of flashback did she have?

We are all seeing actions such as this daily on the local news, social media feeds, and magazine cover. Humans doing this more and more to ourselves in America for sure. There's all the hate, last minute blow ups that are driving people over the edge and killing another. God help us! I do know that dogs are a creative beast of the wild but ever so loyal with diligence to their owners unless they've been warped by abuse. So it be with us humans...hurt people hurt people. PTSD and depression can see these types of outcomes as well; so my heart goes out tonight to those suffering in the darkness, scared of losing control, and feeling as if they are alone; even though many times there's lots of people around that care ever so much for them. You are loved. 

Now for some good news and a total twist on emotion; this is a bipolar blog post. Happy Anniversary today to the man that never gave up on wanting to be with me as a child. Today we celebrate marriage and a fun one at that. He is my safe place and serenity to dwell in an ever changing fast paced world. Our best laughs in life so far have been at each other. He can make me pee my pants quicker than anyone I know, and after childbirth that isn't so hard anymore. My stomach cramps, my jaws lock and then I snort in laughter. 

Guess what? He grosses me out too with his green gas that explodes a room, hanging on like the morning fog, and damaging the senses like agent orange...which makes my face fire red when done on purpose in my presence. Does he care? Heck no, he laughs uncontrollably himself waiting for my grossed out facial expressions. He lives for them I think. There is no queen treated any better tho than he treats me. I am loved without a shadow of doubt. I'm so sorry he got hurt during the dog fight above, but he was doing what he does best; protecting his family. This man cherishes us and loves us hard. God's provision yet again; we are safe in the hands of His creation; my husband. Now lets get our circus back in order...the monkeys need to get back to doing what they do best; entertain the world with raw love. 

~Simply LOLA

Day 4: God will move you...

Today was so much better. Woke up to wonderful words...Thank you all so much for the prayers, texts, emails, pm's...of prayer, encouragement, and acknowledging that the post I do here are touching lives.

Guess what??? The email came through this morning with the application for the home I spoke of yesterday. While this home is in need of some help...we have a stirring within us that it's ours. We've discussed all we will/could do. We just might be homeowners again (it's been 9 years since we owned our home) if it all goes through. We let them know today we were interested and would be sending the app & app fee as soon as they let us know where to send it; so we're now awaiting that info.

I have so much more to disclose but that'll all come at the end of this 30 day journey because it could end several ways. I can't disclose everything right now because there's things that could get turned really upside down...so be patient; and enjoy this journey with me.

We did go look at another home today; it's a NO! We've put more on the list to look at just in case. I've asked in my prayer time that if the place we're applying first isn't the place best for us to give Him glory then please shut the door, so I ask the same from you.

Other than that; I packed up some glass vases that I have and dug out all the totes from the garage. I decided I wasn't leaving here with totes full of misc pictures, papers, etc without any organization to them. My living room looks like a tornado has whipped every direction with stacks of stuff here and there, boxes all over, totes of every color, and our son's toys. :) Nobody come over...I'm not letting you in. ;) I decided I would split up all the pictures of my ex and myself; like wedding pics, high school pics, pics of the girls growing up, and put them in separate totes just for the girls. I completed that today with many laughs, smiles and for some odd reason my eyes kept leaking. I've got to go get that checked out.

Add caption

My mom & girls

The memories were rushing in like a tidal wave and I'd run with it then crash back to land again. It was a beautiful thing...my girls bring me much joy! There were pics of the grandparents whom have passed, grade cards,  afghans made by their great grandmother, all the pictures they drew and projects...no need for me to hold on to them anymore since they are now adults. I want them to have the opportunity to enjoy them, throw away whatever they want so that when it comes time that I go home; they don't have to separate, fight, etc over such. 

Now they've been notified their memory totes are ready, and bring a truck!!

She's happiest when her sister is the maddest! JK

Today was exhilarating to say the very least. Father's Day...ohhh do I have the thoughts on that. I don't know that tonight is a time for me to effectively share, so just know that there will be a day on that subject. I got to enjoy a father though today that brings me so much joy...he's my husband. He is the father of our son and stepdad to our girls. He is amazing, and I'm so thankful for him. I've never seen a man be so passionate about taking care of his family and sincerely loving on his wife as my husband is. He finds a way to complete us, he gives up some of his most prized possessions to feed us, and honestly he gives up so much so easily. I pray that one day this man will see all that he is, all of the value he contains within himself, all the world that he deserves...because he's worth it!

Just before he left for work tonight, I asked a tough question...what if? I personally don't like that statement and have told our son several, hundreds, uhmmm a million times don't "what if".  Good grief, we'd never get to the end of the conversation seriously. The question I asked came because in reality our financial situation which I disclosed in Day 1; "What if we get denied any place to rent, what's the plan?" This is a real possibility, not because we've been late on rent or anything to do with that; it's all the other stuff like voluntarily giving back the car, etc. He so calmly said, as much as he hated it...we'd put our stuff in storage and stay in a hotel until we found something.

As you read this...this isn't for pity; I promise. This is the raw situation in which we face. When I launched Simply LOLA officially, it was after I felt deep within my spirit; God calling me to be verbally naked though guiding and covering me with His tender grace, mercy and favor. So I don't believe if there's a topic I feel led to write that I can leave the touchy, embarrassing, authentic, humbling, sometimes almost shameful feelings out because there's somebody somewhere going to read these posts at their perfect time. We are okay with what happens regardless what that looks like because God has always had a powerful story behind it every single time. We will not die though it will sometimes feel as though we want to. Wouldn't it be amazing to be this financially distraught and end up being homeowners? That's what this 30 day journey is about...me showing how God provides every. single. time.


~Blessings!
Simply LOLA

Day 3: God will move you

Today was more productive...I got the books all packed, pictures all off the walls, tv console cleaned out and movies packed, one room went through and packed, a couple loads of laundry and dishes done. We went and viewed a home this evening, it is up for sale/rent with a nice option to buy. They said they would send us the contract to review. After immediate replies all day setting up the appointment to view; we haven't heard from them regarding the contract.

When it isn't for us; the door seems to slam shut...for this I'm thankful. I don't have to question anything because it's out of my control. A no is a no...maybe's can be so stressful.

The house had some repairs that would need to be made in our opinion and that kind of excited me honestly to get to work on a home; paint, repair, remodel how we want it. The basement had 3 additional bedrooms and a bathroom...it had all been stripped down to the framework...which would be awesome to start fixing up. Rick's love was also part of the deal; a 2 car garage/shop that was big, a lake practically in the backyard, and a separate area outside for the dogs.

So...tonight we will go to bed a little disappointed as it had everything we pretty much wanted minus acreage. There's always tomorrow, and who knows maybe something happened and they couldn't get it to us tonight. There's still tomorrow and sometimes time changes things.

Also, if you would say a prayer for this lady as her young adult son just passed away within the year...how sad!

Thank you for reading and being apart of our current journey. Happy Father's Day tomorrow to all you wonderful dad's out there and single mom's trying to fulfill a tough spot. Hugs!

~Simply LOLA

Day 2: God will move you

Sorry I didn't get this posted yesterday, but it was just a numb4. day.

Though I was disconnected, God wasn't. His provisions were this:

1. A man whom owed the hubby some money; paid up.

2. We got some boxes

3. We called on a house to look at and the management was supposed to call us back to give us the code to enter for a viewing at 4pm today (Saturday)...so far, no call back. Closed door for now.

4. Got one room almost done; at least all the stuff we didn't want to keep is gone. I'm blessed to have a man working in the waste industry. :)

Hoping for a better day and awesome post later today.

Blessings and thanks for the follow of this story.

~Simply LOLA

Day 1: If you don't move...God will move you.

Morning was going as normal...and the phone rings. I answer because I see it's the landlord. Conversation goes like this...

LL: Hi, how are you?

Me: Good, how are you?

LL: You got a minute to talk, we need to discuss something.

Me: Ok, yeah...(assuming that since I've known their house has been on the market for at least 2 months, it was to let me know their new address to mail the rent)

LL: We are giving you 30 days to move out. We sold our house and are going to be moving into your house.

Me: (thought: What?!?) Ok.

LL: It might be able to be stretched out to 45 days depending on the closing date, but we'll let you know. We have a property in Wichita (explains where it is) that is a bigger house, smaller yard for $1000 a month; (we pay $850 and struggle that) Would you like to see it? (thinking to self....still back on first statement; what?!? Is this really happening...ohh my, I've got APD, LOL!)

Me: I don't know, I'll have to talk to the hubby first

LL: I know this isn't news you wanted to hear.

Me: I'll let you know what the hubby says (because I can't even think at this point to talk about anything else)

Hang up.


WTH? God what are you doing? Yes, we've been processing moving...but uhm! We aren't in a lease, we ran out that and have been on month to month for 2 years now, so we really can't do anything.

Ok first off...when you have a special needs kid you don't just pick up and move without much research and questions. The conversation that must happen with the child for preparation and smooth transition. Ugh transition of one thing can be a huge deal; but this, might be more than one thing transitioning. The school district if we can't stay in this one, are we prepared to homeschool if it doesn't meet requirements? The emotional well being of the child, (I'll just say right here the landlord is in special education), the services offered in another county if we can't stay in this one. Wait, we need a deposit for the next house, we need to figure out traveling expenses for work if it's further than what we have now, the dogs...will we have to give them up? Uhm, is the hubby to find a different job altogether because this isn't where we're suppose to be, all these thoughts/questions/feelings!

I'm mad, I'm hopeful, I'm sad, I'm glad, I'm confused, I'm lost....rollercoaster, Let me off!!

Sure I want to be able to tell you ohhh I'm at peace because I know God has a plan (I do know this in my head), He's always provided a way before, He's always had the plan already set, blah, blah, blah. Well, to be honest, I'm a bit of a mess right now. A real mess actually...I don't know where we're going to live in 30 days, my future just got disrupted and it's out of my control. There is nothing I can do about it. I'm hurt that they didn't just move into the other house they offered us since it's just temporarily their home until what...a new house is built. Ugh! I'm mad that they didn't tell us a thing until now when they've had the house on the market for at least 2 months....ok, maybe they didn't know it would sell so quick or whatever. I'm thinking out loud here.

Here's the raw and real kicker for us...Hubby just lost all his OT (overtime this last month); that's money we depended on to live paycheck to paycheck. The reason I'm bringing up money...is this; I know there's more than want to admit they struggle in this area whether it's priorities are not in line, health/medical expenses deplete it, living outside their budget, etc....all those things have been played out before in my personal life. My husband busts his rear to provide for this family and he does a fantastic job, but we choose to live the simple life. We don't have credit cards or live on credit, we literally use all of our funds to have a home, food, and the necessities of life. We literally trust God for the rest. He delivers every single time and shocks us a lot of the time. We're so thankful for His provisions. It's just in a mess right now. So...we don't have a deposit for another home at this moment. So if you look at your current circumstance; like I'm doing right now...panic attack headquarters!! In this moment, we're going to be homeless.

I write this only because I know there will be another miracle story to tell at the end of this 30 days. Wait and see! God showed us that when we moved here 3 years ago...He'll do it again. Last time, it was a job offer the hubby couldn't refuse and we moved within 30 days to a whole other town 3 hrs away. Now it's a out of our control type scenario. Here goes the watch and see...I'm going to write the current struggle and provisions down everyday and share them with the world to prove God is faithful every time.

I'm just a simple girl trying to live out this life the best I can. Praying this brings hope to someone else. For this is the reason I live; to help another!

(for those who know the past story...East is still so ever strong; as much as to say, we didn't follow through with the original plan...so here's our chance to get it right. I'm turning back to Gideon again as well.)

This one...lately I've had a multitude of breakthroughs in different areas; New Season here we come!!

 ~
Simply Lola
(forgive the grammar, etc. I'm not even in the mood to check it)

Helicopter teaches me a lesson...

Wow...what a day! As I was reminiscing over the wonderful weekend we had and thought about the moment...I faced my own personal fears and found out some things about myself. I've always said I was afraid of heights. In the process of all that has went on; I went to search out and process this fear a little deeper this evening. What I realized is that it's not the fear of heights I have...

It's the fear of leaving solid ground or having control of that.

I literally have been on only a couple ferris wheels in my life and each time was an excruciating power of fear that literally takes my breath away, causes me to slam my eyes shut and pray for the ride to end. I've never been able to enjoy a ferris wheel ride. I've been on hundreds of roller coaster rides...the trip up to the top; same experience but I can look to my feet knowing it's going to be over in just a minute (the climb up) and there's usually a tight harness or car surrounding me. The ride itself is never the problem; actually I love it. 

It's my feet coming off of solid ground is where I lose it. Now on a ferris wheel it's not over in a minute, and there's multiple turns over and over with stops in mid-air...ohhh no! Watching me feet the whole time or slamming the eyes tightly shut doesn't work in a ferris wheel because I've watched way too many horror movies; I guess. I can feel the swing of the cart...ugh! It's okay to laugh, I get it...but I am not laughing I promise you when on such a ride.

So for my birthday and for our son to be able to experience yet another first as well as me...I decide that since this was the end of launch week for Simply LOLA; I was going to end it with a bang by climbing into a helicopter. Face my fear of heights, well I didn't know if I would be anxious or not because I have always been fine in a plane (only been on 2 in my life and didn't have window seats). I didn't know what to expect.

Fear, anxiety, nervous...all of it can make your body and mind run rampant. The tornado of emotions that take over when the anticipation becomes more than you "think" you can bear. Where does that come from? What in my life had caused me to "feel" like this? I had never fallen out of control except for in dreams...and those always wake me up. So all was good until we lifted off the ground and the helicopter slid sideways in the air...my mind says I'm not supposed to be sideways and the fear overtook. I slammed my eyes shut, breathing almost fast enough to go into a full hyperventilation and handed hubby the phone. Thank God for sign language and that he too reads and speaks it...I said you take the pics in ASL!

The entire ride was only 6 minutes but the first 3 was a lifetime and such a waste of fearful time. I knew this was possibly the only time I would ever be up in a helicopter, and I so wanted to enjoy it. I seriously couldn't come to terms with anything during the first half except that I want down, out, and I can't breathe. Then like a swift wind of reassurance and peace came over me the moment I said; God you have to have this because I'm out of control here! I looked down and over the entire world below me...Ahhhh! What splendor and beauty! In that moment all was right with the world. Beautiful, awe, complete perfection without a flaw; my eyes captured every essence of creation.  There's no evil here, there's actually a sense of release of needing control, and a place in which to fulfill serenity within the heart, mind, and soul here. I enjoyed those last 3 minutes with much happiness in my heart. 

I wish to do it again someday. Did I just say that?

The doors/windows right there by my side reminded me of when I was on the road in a cabover semi and we went over a bridge...I could see the river below and it scared me then. These flashbacks of different scenarios ran through my head. I remembered being on top of a tall building looking down over the Plaza in Kansas City, MO and thinking...heights are not my issue; being in control of my feet being on solid ground is the issue. In that truck, my feet though on the floor board, was not on solid ground. My feet on a rollercoaster climbing the anticipation of the drop is not on solid ground. My feet in a helicopter is not on solid ground. In an airplane my feet are also not on solid ground...but I am encaged with the body of the airplane above the waist in which gives me comfort. On most rollercoasters that have some type of siding to the car; I am okay. It's when there's a view straight down beside me and no solid footing on Earth that I lose it. I discovered so much about myself on this ride of a lifetime. Now the hubby says...sky diving is next. #adrenalinerush 

So I feared not being on solid ground, that God isn't really in control, and what the lies in my head were telling me. I was going to fall, I was yet again going to be out of control and that in itself brings chaos, I cannot trust another human, I was going to die, and that God doesn't take care of me. Trusting another human...now that's one I still have to work on; I don't fear them but I sure don't trust them. I'm not so sure we're supposed to, but I have come to realize that expectations of another don't always come through. When those expectations aren't met...we tend to think the worst of another or ourselves. Don't fall into that trap. Not one human can be your everything...and it's not fair to expect it. That's too much weight to bear. 

So this is all for you out there that have yet to face your fears head on... #thestruggleisreal 

Isaiah 41:10...Do not fear! (multiple other verses can be found on not being fearful)

The higher we soar the smaller we appear to those who cannot fly. — Friedrich Nietzsche

~

Simply LOLA

The voice of rape...

(Warning: potentially triggering info to follow, if you have PTSD or are a victim of rape/abuse...please don't read ahead unless you have someone with you, you have processed your situation, and you have healthy boundaries for yourself set up via counselor/therapist, etc)

Meet my biological maternal grandma...Lola. She and my grandpa adopted me May 7th, 1997 when I was 12 years old though I had lived with them and my mother since birth. (Adoption story to come at a later time)

Grandma never lived far from me as an adult except for when I moved to another city with my family, but then it was only 5 months. Thanksgiving week 2013, she came to live with me because she had Alzheimer's. Reflecting back, I see now when it all started. She knew something was wrong but was intelligent enough to cover it up. She had always been the caregiver of everyone, great with accounting, was the most amazing cook, the full time homemaker after her accident left her disabled, and the one who attended all my school functions and extracurricular activities. She was a fabulous wife from what I saw. She was hard headed and always done as she wanted; like mow what seemed to be 40 acres of grass after 5 back operations (never taking anything more than a tylenol for her pain). Homemade bread and cinnamon rolls...ohhh my!

Anyway, it was a rough first night in our home. Not only had I moved her into a home with many doors (there's 5 in just the living room alone), she was in a strange place, and my oldest daughter & hubby had come into town late that night. She was so scared that she came out with her cane raised, and her eyes told the story that she didn't know where she was or who we were. It was the saddest thing I'd ever seen. She was there in body but Grandma was gone. She hid inappropriate used toiletries in different places in her room to hide her incontinence that we all knew she had, and she used to know we knew. I took her to a doctor to get an established PCP and they immediately put her on a medication after she failed the testing for Alzheimers. Me not being experienced in Alzheimer's caused me to join a support group and find out all I could; to help her enjoy as much of her life that she had left. Unknowingly, the medication was not right for her and we ended up at the behavioral unit at the hospital by Christmas.

She had gotten mean and abusive to the animals even her own, hitting my child and saying inappropriate abusive things as well. We had our good days and our bad ones. She even ran away once. I didn't know what to do, I was so frustrated (this wasn't my grandma), scared, sad, and lost. When she arrived at the hospital she bit the ER nurse and slapped her...that's what got her sent to the behavioral unit. From there, the doctors advised me that she was not in a state to be living in my home with the animals and a child. They drugged her up in there...and I hated that! I rushed to get her out and placed within a facility because as much as I didn't want to, I had to keep my family safe. Thankfully we got the meds straightened out before leaving the hospital. She had deteriorated fast during that 2 weeks in there.

We got her placed, and she was happy most of the time. She had "friends" to eat dinner with, games to play, and they let her fulfill her need to be caregiver by letting her fold "no one's clothes", wiped down the tables, etc. Everything was good except she wasn't getting enough fluids...she got dehydrated and got a major kidney infection which made her "crazy" again causing her to fall...so off to the hospital we go to get stitches in her head.

The next 2 days would be the most horrific traumatizing experience of my life and her's. In ER...they went to place a catheter in and she went "ballistic". She shut off her voice and started signing. (history: her daughter/my mother was deaf and we all sign ASL) I couldn't believe what I was watching/reading...holy crap...I'm experiencing her rape assaults (multiple over the next 2 days) via sign language. Every single detail of the trauma was triggered by the catheter. I'm bawling and trying to decipher if I'm to relay the message to the nurse or what the hell I was supposed to do. All I could do was yell..."GET IT OUT"! She doesn't stop flying the hands...like she's talking to the rapist at one point then changing to explaining what's going on. No one ever knew her story...except maybe grandpa; I don't know. What I do know is though it was never allowed to be talked about because that was part of the story she shared; it was her family's skeletons in the closet. I found out who her rapist was and everything he did to her.

My life forever changed. Her voice was loud and clear. She passed on Sept. 6, 2014.

So, with that all said...please, please, please if you have ever experienced any type of trauma, abuse, rape, whatever; know that your body never forgets; no matter the determination of your heart/soul to hide it, shame it, or deny it. This shouldn't be the way someone finds out. Talk to somebody, get some help, and don't be silent because your voice will come out either while you're in control of it or when you are no longer in control. You are not alone. You didn't deserve it or cause it. It is not ok. #lolaintheraw

In Loving Memory...Grandma, I love you!

Isolated in grief...while everyone else is living...

...do you not notice, I'm dying here in grief. I'm broken and I'm lost! No I don't want to talk, no I don't want to get out of bed, no I can't sleep with the reels of my loved one running through my head. I can't stop the flashbacks of what happened; and why would I want to go to sleep just to be reliving that horrific dreadful moment. How am I to go on? Why if God is good, did this happen to me? I'm so mad at God! My heart is broken, my thoughts are stuck, and now I'm just numb. I've cried to the point I can't cry anymore. It's someone's fault and they must pay! I'm mad at the person who left me behind, alone, and to deal with all the people that were part of our lives! I don't care if God wanted another angel or if this was part of his plan...what about me? The thoughts go on and on...and before this horrific event; one would've never thought such things. You probably haven't either unless you have been dealt such cards. But this is no game; it's the reality of grief. Who can get back to life as it was...that person isn't there?

Yes and it will never be the same. You will travel through many firsts the first year. You will go through all the steps of grief, and it's not a road any of us want to endure. And you'll travel that journey whether you want to or not. When everyone goes back to their lives as it always has been for them; you will still be at this place doing without the one you love. Every emotion that is possible you will encounter when it's not expected and in those please know, you are not alone. People will say things that will strike you in a wrong way, and remember they are only trying to help & console the best they can without any experience in such a journey. There's no time frame for healing, grief, or acceptance...and you may even question or quit your faith. It's all ok. Keep sharing your life, reaching out; with the pictures, the journey, and the love that you two shared...there's many of us that need to be reminded; life is short. You are loved and I'm so sorry that you have to endure this journey so soon. 

This last paragraph was a comment I left on social media for a family member whom just lost her husband within the week. Death stings the people left behind and sometimes it's as if it's an deathly allergic reaction; consuming the mind, body, and soul...to the point they actually die, feel like they are going to, or want to.

These rollercoaster feelings (that some just work so hard not to feel) exacerbate when we must journey through such grief. We don't get to choose when this happens, and in this we will never have control. I have found that these very steps also are gone through in all types of grief though maybe not to the intense degree. Not just death but divorce, broken relationships of any degree, childhood trauma, failure of expectations whether self or another, a diagnosis of a child that changes your entire world, a health diagnosis for self, and it goes on and on. 

We must be thoughtful with our words to those going thru such...sometimes a hug or a card stating thinking about you is much more heart touching than anything you can actually say. Most of the time they cannot hear you anyway because the grief is so LOUD.You may be a light in this world but to them there is dark, thick storm clouds between you and them; they can't see it.They may not answer the text, door, FB post, etc because they just can't; don't take that personally...it's not you.  You can ask, what's the best way to help...but really most can't answer that because they have no idea. The only thing that would really help is having their loved one back. 

This is dedicated to my grieving friend, family member, and sister in Christ...Linda Spalding Kirchoff. May each and everyday you never forget how much you are loved and impacting the world with your story. At this time, you may not care to share but in time there will be a place and persons in which you will be the only one that can help them feel "known and not alone". Your marriage to Mike was a beautiful one that cultivated amazing children that also impact others that many never get to experience at the level you did...so thank you for showing all of us what an example of "fun and in love" looks like. I'm so sorry it was cut off short. Much love!

Launch day...a journey of significance

Live Video from today...watch first.

As I watch my natural silver highlights grow out, the skin upon my hands wrinkle,
death of family fall all around me, and the friends struggle in different areas in their lives...drove me to question so many things. My mind was going crazy with what's next? I don't have that much longer on earth to live and what will I leave behind? I'm not leaving "stuff" to be disregarded and trashed...I want to leave with someone who's life was improved, empowered, healed, and served by my love for them.

So about those birds...there's two significant things that I got from the birds flying into the net. The first was that even though they looked like fools flying right into a net, they got back up and flew off like they had no other choice. I know when I make a mistake or look like a fool in whatever area of life, I tend to stay down and drown in my sorrows. :( That's not the place to be as it brings no benefit to anyone. If I stay down anymore I hope I'll just take a moment to process what could've been different, what choices I can take for the next event, and allow myself to be human with mistakes, foolish decisions, etc.

Secondly, the birds taught me that maybe I shouldn't be following to begin with. If I'm following, there is NO way to see the obstacles up ahead. If I'm following, I'm going to fall into the trap along with the one I'm following. We're tied up in following these days especially on social media, our significance is in how many followers, friends, etc that we have...and that is just leading one to a place of discouragement, disappointments, and blocking the path in which you have been designed to take. If we're on another person's journey when then in fact cannot be completing our purpose in life.

We are each uniquely designed to "give" to the world a part of us that no one else can. Through that statement we then are given all that make us complete in this life. I'm so thankful for the broken chains of weight called popularity and acceptance. I'll be completely honest that I felt like a total idiot after doing that video and the abundance of fear that weighed me down in anticipation to do the video about killed me, but YOU....the many that have messaged me, commented, and called already gave me the confirmation that I did step out in the right direction today. Confirmation of what I question is my calling is being fulfilled each minute. I love you all and care about you! So look out in front of you, and not your past or current struggle but at the forest awaiting in front of you with a journey only you can enjoy, only you were designed for, and conquer the world in which only you can!! :)

Happy National Donut Day...can you tell I really would like to have one, but I won't. Please let me know if you had a donut for me. :) You are significant...you have a purpose...LAUNCH!

A song for you!