The journal.........

As I wrote in my journal today; I asked why? Why do I journal? My journal is everything to me, it’s my life on paper; my every thought, desire, light bulb moments, goals,…………  I’m in too deep……but I keep going back for more; save me!  I really think that I am being truthful when I say I am emotionally devoted to getting my story out to the world that deeply hides the very same secrets, desires, and experiences in life. I have always known I was supposed to write a book; what type of book…….never really knew.  It’s becoming very clear to me today that I have been led down a path of deliverance that has brought healing through such writing. I may not even have a thought when I start, but I start even if it’s with what I had for breakfast; then it just rolls off the fingers.

I don’t know even where to start on getting a book published, so that’s one of the excuses of why I never did it. I have found so much happiness in life and who I am through these writings; who knows, maybe this is really my “purpose” in this world. I’ll never know if I don’t try, right? I always thought it was to interpret for my deaf mother, or help my grandma think through things and be the only one who seemed to care about her, to be at the beck and call of some man, to mother my three children…………….Wait, what about me?
Ohhh that sounded selfish! I can’t do that, it’s not right to think about me when I still have so much to do for everyone else. I can no longer interpret for my mother, she’s no longer with me; but hearing all the beautiful sounds of heaven. I am no longer “needed” to take care of granny because she now lives with my uncle, and she has “forgotten” so much that there are days that no one else exists in her life but him. I am no longer being at some man’s beck and call because I’m not with a person that requires that of me any longer. I will always be a mother, and that job really never ends just the job duties as they age.

All the stuff I have to do: really is only Motherhood, and it doesn’t require my every moment; though it sometimes feels like it. How I can be the best for everyone else if I can’t be the best me. I can’t be the best me if I’m depressed, fatigued, and so busy doing ……..and if I’m not the best me how can I be the best at what I do. I do desire being the best in every area of my life. No I’m not a perfectionist, and I realize that I cannot be the best at everything. I have desires that I want to fulfill.  Why shouldn’t I be able to do it; it is my life, isn’t it? Why have I been brought up in this world to think that living by giving to everyone and not taking myself into consideration is the way to “leave my legacy”? Who taught me that? Was such teaching by example; now that I write it down……….it was. The very people who taught me that are/were unhappy, alone, no one comes to see them, gave everything and have nothing, lost a sense of reality…….why would I want to end up that way.

Why? No! I refuse to end up that way………life is too short! I have some more changes to make……..it seems to never stop. It’s autumn now……….another season in my life; I really like it today because its full of vibrant rich colors! I am happy! Without my journal I don’t think I would ever figure a lot of my life out the way that I have. I have found freedom in my writing even though no one may read it, but they do read it. I have got many emails from people stating they feel the very same way, and I have been thanked for showing such subjects in another light. There is a reason for it all…………and I am full of emotions right now about the exciting new seasons coming my way.

Can’t wait to share it with you! I’ve always wondered why I would lay awake at night running so many thoughts through my head; it was “time to journal”. There is a time for many things in life; cry, laugh, dance, ……..it’s best said: Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
1For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
2A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
………………..and now my journal has helped me realize there is a “time for me”! Enjoy Life!

A deep love........

A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.

A Father figure...........

You don't want to miss this story; I have moved everything for a time being to another site; trying it out.......please don't stop reading!

www.freeconscience.wordpress.com

Love you all!

Confirmation of the obvious...........

has been right in front of me the whole time. The directions we take are always right there, but then we have to decide which way to go. I sometimes miss the direction due to my own anxiousness, determination, and desires. When Koda was originally diagnosed with NF (Neurofibromatosis), I was anxious of the unknown. Looking to the easiest access which would be the Internet at the time. I was devastated with what images and stories I came across. Yes, NF can cause such dramatic effects & I know now some very special people with some of the worst stories. I am so thankful that I was connected to the right organization thru my local Neurologist to help me find the most helpful doctors right from the beginning. I won't go into the whole story at the beginning, but one of those times I was personally referred by two different people to Dr. Gutmann in St. Louis @ St. Louis Children's Hospital. Due to not wanting to wait until I could get in, I took the hospital (Cardinal Gleenon Children's Hospital in St. Louis) that could get me in first. They have an NF clinic and was listed on the referral list too. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in any way having ill feelings to the NF clinic @ CGCH. 

We just had a "Ask the Doc" conference at KU Med Center on Saturday which Dr. Gutmann was one of the guest speakers. I was so impressed with the answers he was able to provide, and he is looking at a "new" way to treat NF.......for one it's a whole team totally constantly communicating to give the best care for their patients. I've had some communication issues, and its frustrating when you live 4 hours away. The point of all this is really.........time is valuable and sometimes you really do have to wait! Wait! Wait! and Wait! Its ok to wait, because the best comes out of it. If nothing else wisdom is built while waiting. I was really excited to have an actual scientific doctor talk with me about a natural approach to NF as well. Waiting has educated me in the realm of NF too, so now I know how to better prepare myself before an appointment with such a doctor that seems to give it to you pretty direct & if he doesn't know he says so. Love that.

Don't miss your path of opportunity.....................its right in front of you, and you have a decision; sometimes its to wait until you actually see the path. If you get off though...........you can always get back on the right track. I'm turning around, and pushing through w/ power and determination!