Seek with all our heart...

...and that we did today. Koda couldn't be found. It wasn't typical for him to not be waiting for us out in the hall after Sunday school. (I didn't realize our class let out early, nor did I know they had put the junior high with the high school kids) So, on the search we went...around a couple times (every room either empty or full of kids that confirmed he wasn't there. Circles we went, and I bet we got in our 10,000 minimal steps just in this search alone for the day. So outside, to the car, to the creek beds, to the empty buildings outside, yelling his name, back in to double check bathrooms, and the sanctuary as he had usually come to find us. He's never ran off...so we were confused as to where he could possibly be. Asking for help, but getting blank stares & unmotivated people opened my eyes to a much greater need of understanding. They didn't get it at all. Becoming frantic, I asked if there could be an all over building intercom message...that didn't happen either; do they not have such a capability? I still don't know.

Every single second seemed like hours almost without me totally blowing this way out of portion. I didn't know where else to look, glad though that a couple people had took on the notice we were frantic & went searching for him too. As dad decided to head to the house just in-case he decided he wanted to walk home; which he has wanted to walk because we're so close...I was on my 4th round of inside the church when I heard his voice. Every single horrid thought, the fear, the frustration, and the heart pounding...came out in a whaling of tears; he was okay. He had not went off on his own choice, but was moved to a room in which he normally would never be; with the high school Sunday school class that had let out late.

We immediately left without going to typical worship time because of other issues that have came up. When I got home, I was drawn to the Bible with much pull. I opened up to Proverbs 1 where I felt led, read thru all of Chapter 4; and there God met me. I clearly got the message with all that I have been experiencing this (long week for me) week, seek wisdom/Him as I did for my son today & everything will turn out just as it's supposed to. By trusting, diligently seeking Him and His wisdom all these types of things come forth : protection, sweet sleep, confidence, favor, straight paths, insight, honor, live, no stumbling, understanding, barns overflowing, and assurance. Wow! Anyone else want any of this stuff? We seek it thru friends, family, money, careers, marriage, etc...when at least for me it is very clear I only need to seek Him.

Why do things happen, and this day; I know why it happened just as it did...so this very message could be found, heard, and implemented by me. It was a call to action. I didn't need to be in the sanctuary today because nothing could have impacted me like the "searching frantically for my son". He loves us so. I hope no one has to endure such to get the message, but if you do...I hope you find your message made just for you in it. Koda is my "why" in every single thing I do. Thanking God for the personal one on one time today.

How concerned or frantic are you seeking the One who makes all things better. In the wisdom He bestows there are sure a lot of promises we can hold on to. I think I've just had another "light bulb" moment of transformation. The beauty in the process of metamorphosis continues for me. While I walk in more freedom than I ever experienced, there's still a wisdom that never stops transforming our minds. On the right path, and knowing you are there...is probably the most "secure" feeling ever.


#releaseandbelieve #seekingHimovereverything #somethingclicks #lightbulbmoments #transformationintofreedom #securityinHim

The voice of rape...

(Warning: potentially triggering info to follow, if you have PTSD or are a victim of rape/abuse...please don't read ahead unless you have someone with you, you have processed your situation, and you have healthy boundaries for yourself set up via counselor/therapist, etc)

Meet my biological maternal grandma...Lola. She and my grandpa adopted me May 7th, 1997 when I was 12 years old though I had lived with them and my mother since birth. (Adoption story to come at a later time)

Grandma never lived far from me as an adult except for when I moved to another city with my family, but then it was only 5 months. Thanksgiving week 2013, she came to live with me because she had Alzheimer's. Reflecting back, I see now when it all started. She knew something was wrong but was intelligent enough to cover it up. She had always been the caregiver of everyone, great with accounting, was the most amazing cook, the full time homemaker after her accident left her disabled, and the one who attended all my school functions and extracurricular activities. She was a fabulous wife from what I saw. She was hard headed and always done as she wanted; like mow what seemed to be 40 acres of grass after 5 back operations (never taking anything more than a tylenol for her pain). Homemade bread and cinnamon rolls...ohhh my!

Anyway, it was a rough first night in our home. Not only had I moved her into a home with many doors (there's 5 in just the living room alone), she was in a strange place, and my oldest daughter & hubby had come into town late that night. She was so scared that she came out with her cane raised, and her eyes told the story that she didn't know where she was or who we were. It was the saddest thing I'd ever seen. She was there in body but Grandma was gone. She hid inappropriate used toiletries in different places in her room to hide her incontinence that we all knew she had, and she used to know we knew. I took her to a doctor to get an established PCP and they immediately put her on a medication after she failed the testing for Alzheimers. Me not being experienced in Alzheimer's caused me to join a support group and find out all I could; to help her enjoy as much of her life that she had left. Unknowingly, the medication was not right for her and we ended up at the behavioral unit at the hospital by Christmas.

She had gotten mean and abusive to the animals even her own, hitting my child and saying inappropriate abusive things as well. We had our good days and our bad ones. She even ran away once. I didn't know what to do, I was so frustrated (this wasn't my grandma), scared, sad, and lost. When she arrived at the hospital she bit the ER nurse and slapped her...that's what got her sent to the behavioral unit. From there, the doctors advised me that she was not in a state to be living in my home with the animals and a child. They drugged her up in there...and I hated that! I rushed to get her out and placed within a facility because as much as I didn't want to, I had to keep my family safe. Thankfully we got the meds straightened out before leaving the hospital. She had deteriorated fast during that 2 weeks in there.

We got her placed, and she was happy most of the time. She had "friends" to eat dinner with, games to play, and they let her fulfill her need to be caregiver by letting her fold "no one's clothes", wiped down the tables, etc. Everything was good except she wasn't getting enough fluids...she got dehydrated and got a major kidney infection which made her "crazy" again causing her to fall...so off to the hospital we go to get stitches in her head.

The next 2 days would be the most horrific traumatizing experience of my life and her's. In ER...they went to place a catheter in and she went "ballistic". She shut off her voice and started signing. (history: her daughter/my mother was deaf and we all sign ASL) I couldn't believe what I was watching/reading...holy crap...I'm experiencing her rape assaults (multiple over the next 2 days) via sign language. Every single detail of the trauma was triggered by the catheter. I'm bawling and trying to decipher if I'm to relay the message to the nurse or what the hell I was supposed to do. All I could do was yell..."GET IT OUT"! She doesn't stop flying the hands...like she's talking to the rapist at one point then changing to explaining what's going on. No one ever knew her story...except maybe grandpa; I don't know. What I do know is though it was never allowed to be talked about because that was part of the story she shared; it was her family's skeletons in the closet. I found out who her rapist was and everything he did to her.

My life forever changed. Her voice was loud and clear. She passed on Sept. 6, 2014.

So, with that all said...please, please, please if you have ever experienced any type of trauma, abuse, rape, whatever; know that your body never forgets; no matter the determination of your heart/soul to hide it, shame it, or deny it. This shouldn't be the way someone finds out. Talk to somebody, get some help, and don't be silent because your voice will come out either while you're in control of it or when you are no longer in control. You are not alone. You didn't deserve it or cause it. It is not ok. #lolaintheraw

In Loving Memory...Grandma, I love you!