Day 19: God will move you...(the adult monkey has lost his mind)

This particular post right here has taken me way to long to complete...and I'm not so sure it's going to get done. I'm starting from scratch because as I've tried to write for the last 24 hours...the previous draft post deleted itself twice, the font wouldn't sync up throughout, the pics wouldn't center, the links wouldn't work, the whole thing just made me slam the lid down this morning and walk away...so I'm here again trying to complete it. I'm thinking that I was trying to post two days worth of stuff into one post and I'm not supposed to do that; at least, not this one.

As if the craziness of all that has happened in the last 19 days wasn't enough...My only adult, responsible, mature monkey of the home (because I quit adulting a long time ago #adultingisoverrated) decides to come home and tell me; he changed jobs. What!?! Ok, do you all remember the financial struggle that I've been posting about? I don't think he reads these blogs after all...he just comments to support me because he's great at that. Anyway...yes, he starts a new job on Monday. Now let me clear this part up; he's staying with the same company (whew!). But here's the crazy...

It's incentive paid. Just typing those last three words made me stop push my glasses up and rub my eyes and take a very deep breath. This means that not only do we not ever get back the possibility of OT which is no longer coming in...his pay could be cut completely in half!

Listen, this man has been an excellent provider and always looking out for the best interest of our family. He has continued to the top of most pay scales out there for his profession. He makes over and beyond what he ever thought he could. He holds at a very high level the accomplishment for himself especially after the childhood he endured, the choices he made when dropping out of school, and the things told to him by the adults in his life. To many we are rich and to many more we are poor. It's all in perspective, attitude, and priorities. Again the reason I cover the financial part of our lives in these blogs (I'd rather not because it really can be embarrassing, humbling, and down right doesn't feel good) is because there's somebody reading that needs to feel known. Now with the bragging done...let me tell you about FEAR/SCARED TO DEATH "feelings" that I have. I trust him but I trust in God even more, so guess what he'll have 10 days of training and then goes out on his own as a driver then it'll be at least 14 more days before we know what that paycheck is gonna look like. Holding my breath, I'd be lying if I didn't admit this fear.

Really, right now we have to throw this into the loop of circus events??? Would you wanna kill him? Is this even ok? Yes, because if he didn't; he would've walked out of his position all together (We CANNOT have that)....and rightfully so. I won't go into the details of what's going on there at work because well it benefits no one and something I might say publicly could be taken wrong... I wouldn't want to jeopardize his employment. This company has been awesome to work for all the way around; it's just that the management that brought him in from KC is now gone. Now...here's the positive news:

He could make even more than he's making now with all the OT he was putting in. He has no idea what he will be able to obtain from the beginning...it's a wait and see. I know him, and he's going to strive to bring the "best" home. Whatever happens we'll be just fine because if God brought us to it; He'll bring us through it, over it, under it...done! Can't wait to post about this favor, grace, mercy, and down right miracle. Remember the pay could be cut in half. Until then...please pray for me, lol seriously. My thoughts can tend to run as wild as my adult monkey did with his decisions. I feel like we're bringing in the turtles to do the lion acts...it's gonna take a miracle. Who's gonna hang on with me and keep me in prayer about this for the next month?

Watch those turtles roar!

~Blessings!

4 steps to NO MORE FOOD/SWEET Cravings (Step 4)

I'll apologize right now for being so late in posting step 4. I had to be sure that this was the step I could stand on and had experienced in changing our new way of life. I'm assured now! After experiencing two full weekends away from home and one was on us at the last minute with no time to prepare; I can officially say step 4 is Give Yourself a Break!

Good grief son, where is your other shoe while dad is yelling from the garage do you have everything ready to load? Uhh do you think I thought about grabbing food? No! So while last minute things happen in our lives it is imperative to have planned organic snacks such as mixed nuts, fruit, frozen cold pressed juice, protein/fiber balls, salads on hand at all times. Grab it and throw it in a cooler, lunch bag whatever. There is going to be a curve ball thrown at some point. I have never been so sure of this change now that I didn't have a plan. What an amazing learning experience and confirmation that #foodmatters and I was #hungryforchange. (click on links for awesome documentaries, recipes, and so much more; no I'm not being paid to advertise for them!)

Out the door we went, and we all ate horrible...back to the original processed foods, restaurants, etc to meet the demands of our stomach. Sure we could've stopped and got the better choices from a store, but we were so limited on time & funds that made it not possible. We had to eat CHEAP...but we didn't fall for McDonalds whoot whoot!! See I'm using an excuse...what I thought was cheap; now we're dealing with abdominal cramping, digestive issues, gained weight, and the lil' guy's behaviors are off the chart gain. Those side effects don't come cheap either...I''m a failure was the first thought! No I'm not...we fell off the track and now we have to get back on. It is very clear to me and this experience is a confirmation that nutrition, food types and choices make all the difference in the world.

So if you have fallen off track or maybe even derailed and felt like you've been left there to rust away; I've got good news...tomorrow is another day. Dust yourself off, pick yourself back up, and change your choices. Thankfully we've made it back home (very very broke by the way) and managed to have just $30 to go to the store. If you buy organic food...you know $30 isn't going to get much and we've got a week to live before payday. (Do I want to admit this, no...hell no! But I found that in my transparency other's gain. For that, I in my embarrassment will be humbled enough to say it can still be done)

So the scoop, we had either in freezer or pantry; 4 lbs of grass fed hamburger, a 2lb bag of organic pinto beans, a few apples, a tomato, left over gluten free birthday cake, 3 jars of half used and different kinds of salsa, a onion, rib bones, a pkg of quinoa and Kale, head of lettuce, cornbread mix,
and a grass fed beef heart.

We went to Aldi's this morning with our $30 and bought:Yes all organic, etc...

a. peanut butter
b. 2 pkg sliced ham
c. loaf of bread (Did you know that sourdough bread doesn't have added sugar...just a note)
d. 2 boxes of spaghetti
e. 2 jars of spaghetti sauce
f. Shredded grass fed cheese
g. 2 cans of refried beans
h. 2 pkg Basil and Tomato chicken sausage
i. 1 bag of blue tortilla chips


Mind you that's all we have...meals will be

Tonight:Taco Salad (put the rib bones in and roasted this morning and then on into the crockpot to make bone broth...cooks for 48 hours. Then took out the beef heart to thaw and marinate for 24 hours)

Tuesday: Beef heart with side of quinoa and kale

Wednesday: Spaghetti with basil and tomato chicken sausage

Thursday:Beans cooked in bone broth and cornbread

Friday: Pay day baby!! With two pounds of hamburger left over!

Sweet! Now I'll admit even with organic this is not the best of our meals nutritionally, but it's sure better than that restaurant and gas station food. I only shared this last info to prove that you can eat better even on a tight budget. Can't wait for whole fruit and veggies back in the fridge this weekend
....and more so for the garden to start producing. I hope and pray this helps somebody!

Give yourself a break...tomorrow is another day to dust off and do the best you can! Hugs!!

Tuesday's tornado and tumor thoughts...

Warning! As you continue to choose to read this post...you might endure the whipping, bouncing, and thrashing whips of the storm in my head; proceed with caution.

We're blooming into spring way early this year. I had the windows open in February and in shorts by the end of the first week of March. Crazy! What's summer going to look like here in Kansas? We're in need of a good soaking rain, and as I look out my kitchen window at the gloomy weather that can cause much despair on the emotional well being of some...I for a moment am caught up in a tornado of thoughts. Why can't I be one of those that have it all together?

The trigger to this thought comes from physically facing the overwhelming stacks of papers, reports, bills, insurance EOB's, stuff to file, stuff to throw away, envelopes that haven't been opened in weeks (if I don't open it...I don't owe it, right?). The mail comes and I push it aside awaiting the day to get organized and get it together. I already know what is in the envelopes and I know I can't pay the bill, or get focused, or seem to find enough time to meet the demands of the ever increasing papers to fill out for someone, some service, some requirement that is in urgent need. I filled the trashcan as I know I need to shred those documents, and I look outside just for a moment to catch the glimpse of what we need...Kansas is in need of rain...and so it will come. The squirrels are running along the fence line playing as if they have no cause of any worry. The trees are blooming without a care in the world, just doing what it does. The birds are singing as they swoop down to find food in my yard...and I'm wondering where the food may come from for the next week until payday. Does anyone else struggle? Is it really that I'm so dysfunctional and oblivious to what else I should be doing to make things balanced in life?

On top of all that, my heart is torn from what Neurofibromatosis can do. If you've never heard of such a word, that's understandable even with much awareness; it's still pretty unknown within communities. When it's a child though it just doesn't seem fair and that part I thought I couldn't control. Maybe I still can't control the outcome, but you bet your sweet tarts I'm going to do everything in my power to drive this monster another direction to the best of my ability. In the past always looking for the next pill or medical advice to help; we're now driving away. We've done 8 years of meds...we are heading for nutrition and supplement city. We are alkalizing our bodies, filling them with oxygen and decreasing the chances of feeding the tumors more of what they want. We've removed all sugar as stated in other blogs and found where the deficiencies are. What if, just what if...the body heals itself with the balance of good organic whole foods, water, exercise, and necessary supplements? Just what if? What if we are feeding the monster with the processed food, gmo's, medications, etc? I can't take that chance anymore.

I've only lived a few years of my life at a place of serenity, joyful balance and without need. I don't work right now so why don't I have time, make time, prioritize such issues better than I do? There's something more to this chaos and I'm wondering if I'm alone? Some would immediately say...well, get a job. Yeah, okay that would bring in some income but it would also take most of it to buy another vehicle to drive (as we only have one), the gas, insurance, maintenance for such a vehicle. I'd lose the time at home with doing laundry, dishes and not stressing over the days off to do these things; which take time away from what matters to me most...my family time. I don't get joy from the mudane thought of repetitive work with no real purpose to my being. So, by re-reading that last sentence I sense I've not found my "place" in the world. But that's just an excuse too tho very true, I don't stay on top of the stuff at home as I should. It's in these moments of thoughts where I can drown in self misery. It becomes a worldwind of self pity, shame, guilt, and well I'm just not who I want to be.

I am constantly thinking about getting back to work; that's what every one thinks and most do. If I thought it would reduce my debt, give me some soul satisfaction, and I could complete work and home...I'd do it in a minute. I can't though, not right now at least...I don't know how to make that happen. It's quite embarrassing to write such vulnerability and transparencies down for the world to access, but I somehow don't think everybody really does have it together. I don't think everyone does have the financial freedom without stress of robbing Peter to pay Paul or have credit cards debt out the whazoo. Have you ever had your utilities shut off? Have you ever had to file bankruptcy? Have you ever been evicted from a home or went through foreclosure? Have you ever had a medical diagnosis that took more than you're capable of earning even after insurance? Are you actually doing everything you know to do and it still isn't working out?

How I make it though is only because of a husband that works his ass off! He cares for his family and is a provider for sure. He wants me to do whatever makes me happy, and with that he assures me staying home is just fine with him. Now, granted we all have wants but we personally have found out that there is serenity and security in having just our needs met. I keep going back to what am I doing wrong? Well, first off...not going to the city to ask for an extension before the due date gets your water turned off. So, who's to blame there...no one but me. Now with that said, I had a reminder on my phone to do such but because I was out and about busy I dismissed it and then forgot. Ugh! How long can a husband continue to deal with a wife who does such things? Does he get frustrated because if he does; he never says anything to me about it. He always says, it'll be ok. Is he in denial too? Maybe he thinks (here I go again putting thoughts in his head he never once thought) he busts his butt at work and he doesn't want to deal with any additional issues until they arise? I have no idea where I'm going with all this because again as it's titled a tornado of thoughts. Procrastination is a personal description I'd give myself as well when it comes to personal life. I'm not that way when I work, so why is it that I'm that way at home?

I can't fix it at the moment so don't face it maybe is my underlying issue. You know if I think back on it, if I left my room messy...Grandma would come in and clean it. So if I leave it long enough will someone else take care of it? It's not working like that in adulthood at all...though I will say the hubby always gets us out of stuff that I personally think in the moment is going to destroy us.

Am I alone? Do I need to get off FB, Twitter, Instagram again because it's taking too much of my time? Will I really do more, if I did...or would I fall back in bed with the darkness of depression. I can almost hear it...Girl, go get you some meds! Ha...no thanks. I wonder how many would fess up to thinking that is what I need? This storm shall too pass but it does seem this is one area that I just keep going round and round the dance floor with. I need to find a new dance or leave. I'm also thinking I really should not publish this; then I think, but what if I did? For the readers within my circle of friends, would you still think positive of me? Now, does it really matter? Tornados can be beautiful and intriguing from a distance, but to be in it; uhm, scary, overwhelming fear, and the thought of life is about to come to an end. So please don't judge from a distance unless you've been in your own tornado. As I finish this last sentence...a release of huge rain drops begin to pound the outside furniture and a freedom comes to my soul. The storm never stays; yes, it may do some damage but from it I learn for the next time it hits.

I have it more together than I am thinking. Bills have been paid for the most part most of the time.

I've gotten my priorities in order when it comes to needs vs. wants. May I accept my knowledge through experience as a way to connect with others. It's not I that need to know if I'm alone...it is the reader that is needing affirmation and confirmation that they are going to be okay and are not alone in the darkness of the storm either. So here's to you...it'll get better, but you must walk right on into the storm so it can change you. Don't run because eventually it catches up somewhere in time. Actually in the fear of it all; you usually are only thrown around but never destroyed. You're going to make it.

Here's to risk, chances, and authentic vulnerability. Aren't you glad you're not stuck in my head? :)

Blessings!
~Yvonne

Do you ever wonder...

...how you have ended up where you are today; good or bad? I have numerous times. I honestly live with a lot of regret. I've made some very bad decisions in my life and am not proud of those at all. I can't change what has already happened, but only apologize to those I've hurt in the process.

With that said, something pretty powerful has happened to me within the last few weeks. The reason I  say this is because for once; I'm doing something great! This decision not only changes and helps me but it truly is nothing but positive for everyone around me. It started like this; I decided Rick and I would do something once a month on our "monthly" dates (now that we finally got someone we can trust to take care of our son while we're out) that we've never done before. Trying something new and step out of our comfort zones, so the first date was a hypnosis clinic (don't judge as I'm being authentic in my sharing and don't want this word become a stumbling block in your walk with Christ if that's the case. Questions in regards to Christians and Hypnosis: please read). I won't go into detail about this because that has nothing to do with this post.

I came out of this date a changed person. My thinking of food...is forever changed. Sugar and flour are "Death Dust" to me and there's a big red flashing X internally when I see them. After this I think it was only a day or two later that we watched "Fed Up" on Netflix. I don't think this was a coincidence by any means but only another confirmation to the choice life we were about to take as a family. What we did next was...cleaned out the kitchen of most all labeled foods; yes, the 10 different bottles of salad dressing, canned foods, bags of whatever, boxes of prepared stuff, and all processed meats.

We headed to a local farmer whom has grass-fed beef, poultry, lamb, etc and interviewed their process. We agreed with their way of farming and raising their livestock. This is the only type of meat we will eat. So, going out to eat will be very limited if ever because it's so hard to find clean food out there. Along with the meat, we're buying only organic whole foods until we can get our own garden growing.

The next confirmation comes when our multiply diagnosed and complex son went through some new issues that threw up yet another flashing red "X" in my gut. The chemicals being pushed into his system by all the pharmaceuticals he has to take to function...what the heck am I doing to our son? I couldn't add to the long list of wrongs I have done in my life, so this has to stop. He doesn't have the choice to take them or not; he's been on medication since he was 3 years old and he's 10 now. He's been through one year of chemo as well as all the other drugs that go with that. These episodes put gasoline to the small fire within me that had been wondering how to get him off some of this stuff.

Many nights have been up researching, contemplating, praying, and bouts of crying when I found things I feel I should've already known. So, we first start in regards to him; with the med that isn't approved for kids...yeah, I know you're probably thinking why I would ever give my kid that. Here's why...If a child literally cannot sleep or get "REM" (good) sleep...there's going to be behaviors and a lower executive function. If there's a lower cognitive function & daytime behaviors..then he can't go to school and learn. Without going into that whole story; I'll leave it right there. If you'd like to know more about sleep and daytime behaviors please feel free to leave a comment, and I'll be in touch with you.

Here's another reason why...I trusted his doctors. She was upfront with us about him being on this medication and how she didn't like it one bit, but was the only thing that was going to help since his symptoms were so severe. She did forget to tell me though as time went on he'd need increased doses to keep having relief; well we're to that point now. He starting to tell us of the night time complications and school is reporting daytime focus decreasing. So, this is where we start. We go to see her; she's excited we want him off. We discuss something that I forgot about in the first meetings of this med or she thinks we discussed...vitamin deficiencies. Iron is a big player in this night time issue he has. Due to the chronic and severe cases of constipation we've dealt with over the years; Iron couldn't be given. So she orders some lab work; I ask for a full panel of deficiencies...she agrees. Guess what he not only is severely deficient in iron, he is in others as well.

Is your pain due to vitamin deficiencies?

Back to the research...I go looking into how the body can heal itself if it has the right "atmosphere" in which to do that. All the while; I have been using essential oils for diffusing mostly all these years. The reason I bring this up is that during these last few weeks we got pretty sick at our house; I made up a concoction; and within 24 hours we were better...normally we would've been down 3 days plus. We did not take any OTC meds or go to the doctor, but we did put some high dose probiotics into our system as well. Then my husband gets one of his terrible; put him out of order, gas knots as he calls it. Again I make a concoction, and within 30 mins he's feeling great. :)

Gut health...it all starts there. We're starting there, getting a nutritionist involved, and going to heal from the gut out. I found there are superfoods that will aid in the blood flow so our son doesn't have to take aspirin everyday, and we're adding in other foods/juices for his constipation (I'm assuming most of that is medicine induced constipation to begin with), supplements, and essential oils. We've cut down to using kids plates w/ dividers so we have portion control. We're trying new foods that we've never ate before; for me in particular would be kefir, butternut squash, and lentils. We've replaced pasta for spaghetti squash. All sugar has been removed from our diet except for those foods that are naturally and organically sweetened like fruit.

Guess what...we don't crave sweets! I really don't crave anything and we're hitting only about 4 weeks into this. I don't know if you ever wonder how you got to be where you're at today, but it's always by our choice and ignorance that we don't find ourselves with better outcomes. I was ignorant of all the sugar that is dumped into our foods. How sugar is killing us. There is such a long list of sugar that is named differently so they can list it in the ingredients without scaring everyone; and since more people are looking at the labels.

Names of Sugar :(

I dare you to educate yourself though and watch "Fed Up". It was the final call at our house to make a positive change for our future, our health, and ourselves. I'm only given this body for this lifetime and well I want to enjoy it. I thought food was an enjoyment...that was a lie that sugar gave; an addiction like cocaine. :( All approved by who we thought was there to help us, USDA, FDA, etc...NOT!

I may have made mistakes in the past but this one time...I'm doing something right, positive, and helpful. Oh yeah, and I got a treadmill. Put that sucker right in the living room; can't deny that guilt staring me in the face...so my first log of keeping track was yesterday. 1.6 miles in 33 min. Today was 2 miles in 33 min. 3 is my number so that's why I stop at 33. If you read this, and you would like to see more posts and details about such topics, or to follow our journey; please let me know. I can't read your mind. I also would rather encourage, engage, and entertain my readers; please comment and share.

Thanks for reading until next time. Happy Valentine's Day! Love somebody<3 p="">
Blessings,

Yvonne

Confessions of Jealousy/Envy

Eww! Who wants to go there, though we all have at times? I’ve been yet again convicted to write because I am a writer, but (there’s that procrastination word and one that in my book reasons quietly under “failure”) I’ll never have what it takes or even have a listening ear that is impacted, a reader interested enough to read it, no one follows my kind of topics, I’ll never be paid to do it; so why do it? So, what brings up this discussion?

I downloaded an app recently that was suggested by the She Speaks Conference 2015 called First 5. This conference is something that I’ve longed to be a part of or at least go to; hoping to learn what it takes to be “successful” (that word is distorted in my perception of what it really looks like…different for each person I’m assured, but being paid to do it would be the ultimate favor of God). I could never go because I truly cannot afford to go in my current financial place. I have a special needs son that I couldn’t find care for him long enough to attend. All these excuses and the word never can really bring someone down. Can I ever be okay with never getting to attend? Jealousy sets in for those who get to go; and even more if it’s someone I know. :( Pitiful, I can’t celebrate with them due to my own selfishness and pride. 

By downloading this app; I decided I’d actually check out what it had to offer.

Honestly, the reason behind me seeking today’s devotion and what it had to offer was because I have felt a nudge yet again to write; and more confirmations have followed that nudge. I was seeking would God give me a yet another confirmation today through the app? Ohhh did He! Not only confirmation did I get, along came a greater conviction; I pray it brings healing.

Today’s 5 minutes with God is going to take way more than 5 minutes; it’s titled, Wanting What You Have. A lovely quote tops off the page, “Contentment is the key to experiencing success” by Wendy Pope. I almost didn’t read it because its first appearance had nothing to do with me writing. I was so wrong. It had everything to do with my not writing. It’s the very reason I get stuck and then quit. The little but loud phrases that enter my ear stating; I can’t, No one cares, No one will read it or be impacted, You can’t afford to self publish and no publisher is ever going to take you on, your grammar and language skills are not up to par, blah, blah, blah. Who wants that yelling in their ear; not me, so I quit.

After reading the devotion and digging deeper, I found myself processing the “My Moment” question…”Is there someone whose success you envy? How can you begin to celebrate them today?” Then it has a place for you to respond and keep your ideas, thoughts, answers, notes called “My Moments”. My response to that was this, I copied the verse 1 Timothy 6:6-8 (NIV); 6 But godliness with contentment is great gain. 7 For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. 8 But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.

Envy/jealously has caused me to get stuck and quit especially if others’ success topic is in the same realm of mine (writing, speaking, and women’s ministry). Is there someone, you ask? There’s too many! I know the perception is off because there’s only one me and one of them. We’re all given separate gifts, talents, callings in life to build on and share the encouragement of Christ and all He has to offer. We are to share so we too can be known and to know each other, making a way so we can acknowledge we’re not alone.

I can begin celebrating by first confessing this sin to God, then to someone else so that I may be healed. God help me. I can’t move into what you have in store for me, and now I see clearly why I’ve been stuck. Who knows, my beginnings just might be writing about the celebrations of others? Ohhh that last sentence is deep and hard but came out on paper quicker than I can process it in my head. Yikes! God is good and he has a plan for each of us; including me.

So after typing all that in; a thought…I’ve gotta call one of my accountability partners, Amy Dmyterko, Founder and Speaker of Tell It Ministries and confess. Not only confessing my conviction of the day but also letting her know that she was also one of those that I envied. Yuck! I hated to say it but I knew I had too. So I celebrate her today; you’ll not find another that will make your belly hurt with laughter pains, impact you for a lifetime, and make you jealous. A beautiful woman inside and out; and guess what she makes mistakes too just like us. She’s a woman after Christ and willing to tell it like it is. Kudo’s to you Amy; I’m so happy for where you’ve come, been, gone, but more excited about where God is taking your ministry and you personally. Hugs girl!!

As my story unfolds…May you be encouraged, impacted, or if nothing else entertained by my transparency in the trips, falls, and pit dwellings (ohh wait, and my success’) on my journey of life. I am a writer  (for that very statement I have to give credit to someone who doesn't know me but has been a part of this initial recent convictions to get back to writing due to his email in regards to stating my identity. Thanks Jeff Goins for your encouragement). 

So, with that I will be content because I have food and clothing. :)

 

Disclosure: As always I do have my own dictionary; meaning I make up words, spell them however I like and that’s ok. Forgive my errors for I am just a human no less or better than you. Be Blessed and be thankful you don't have to be one of those whom have to listen to my dictionary of words. Pray for my husband and kids!

Reflection perceptions

This new journey for me moving to Valley Center from Kansas City has really brought an early detection of Freedom. At the end of 2012, I felt like the word "prepare" was given to me as the word of the year for '13. For those whom know me from the city, do know that '13 was a prep year for me. Our family had just finished out of a year's worth of daily chemo for Koda in Jan. '13 and a entire battle with the school system that failed the safety of Koda by him being locked out of school for over an hour, my husband's job had became a bit dysfunctional in kind words that gave us a scare, we were involved in delivering weekly back-snacks for kids whom might not have food for the weekend, my grandma whom adopted me at 14 was facing the horrors of Alzheimer's and depression (which we've now brought down to Wichita with us), we consistently took care of and prayed with a group of homeless people who lived under a bridge, we were challenged on how much we could give away and survive ourselves, we built new support groups, study groups, and challenged discipleship. We built....wait, some conviction here...we didn't do anything but listen to what we felt as if God was asking us to do and only by Him did we do anything. Ok, that's cleared up.

Rick faithfully worked with New Life Family Church's food pantry to load and unload food from Harvester's to feed the average 800 people a month. Food Pantry video (now it's over 1000) These are the public things that were called of us not to mention the "prepare" spiritually, emotionally, and the healing that happened in the quiet background of all of this that I won't share here. (this is Kudos to an awesome God we serve...if you know us personally it's miraculous that we're alive honestly)

Ok, so prepared we got which was then in preparation of a move that has a story of God's perfect details down to the house in which we live right now....now what? The word for the year of 2014 is FREEDOM for me personally, and I'm hoping my entire family and friends will see, grow, and be brought to a place of freedom themselves. What does freedom mean for me? Well it's just now the end of January, and I'll start blogging them.

Freedom of some FEARS: I've carried for a very very long time that are stories within themselves. I kid you not that would bring to a place of paralyzed, and so I will later blog about each of these fears.

Fear #1:

Finding a creative side of me...I painted for the very first time last night at Let's Paint Wichita. Which is the painting above that actually is the reason for today's blog. Reflections I found have quite the differences of perspective from each author, reader, painter, teacher, student, friend, parent, sibling, neighbor, musician, listener, cook, etc by what sense you use to determine that perspective. I know neither of the women on each side of me knew what I was thinking, feeling, or anything else at the time because really each were concerned at getting the appropriate brush, correct color, placing exactly where they were instructed to do so. I noticed that not all were listening to the instructor either just as they should have because of either they were so hyper-focused on perfection or what the girl/guy next to them were saying. 

Quite the observation I must say. Way too fun for me...I soaked up each moment, each level of anxiety, each joke and each sarcastic word said, I felt the fear, anxiety, and the tension of room...which brought me to a place of "you're not alone even among these "been doing this a long time" people". I found no one could perfect the reflection in the water no matter how hard they tried. Reflection always has a distortion to me even in the mirror...see it all goes with what else does the reflection have to share it's story? Lighting, color, clearness of the water/mirror, whatever.

My freedom from this fear is that I had a distorted reflection of my creativity. It's not that expected my paintings to be perfect or anything I create to be but that I created and this fear failed. It no longer has a hold of distortion. I can create, I will create, actually I've been shown through this that I have always been an original creator...in relationships. There's no other me...and that's creative. 

Until the next fear failed is shared...Be you, Be original, and Be!! 

This picture is from (https://www.facebook.com/HeartCenteredRebalancing)

Fear Failed

Who knows what will happen but today...today I am free from the worry of what tomorrow might be or look like or even feel like. I am writing today because it is my way to escape when the weather is blistering cold and I can't get out among the trees, the water, and the breathe life that God has so graciously allowed me to have daily. Whom am I and what is my family that you have brought me this far... 2 Samuel 7:18. I'm honestly in awe of the deliverance in so many areas, but today I am free...free of fear. I'm not saying it will never come again, shoot that wouldn't be reality but in this moment there is peace. Honestly a bit of excitement instead of anxiety is building as I'm facing one of the biggest fears ever in my life directly in it's face. I am stepping out into something one professional told me I couldn't.

There have been many opportunities to do this very thing, but the fear was as if chains after chains with wenches were holding me back. It was fake....it was when I was young, impressionable, and naive that the words "you can't do that" stuck. Then many other relationships, words, and journeys in my life piled on top of that confirmation of  "you can't...you're a failure so don't risk it". I've even recently been given the words from a dear Christian friend whom thought they were being supportive add to this failure thoughts by stating I wasn't trusting God. Fail! The enemy will get your focus off your designed purpose however he can. I was given a what I call a natural gift, and I am now going to step out of fear into "in spite of it". I do mean when I say "I" only by God can I do anything. God gets all the glory.

There's a book to be written behind these 10 fingers just in this one story alone. And no, not right now, I'm not saying what I'm doing...just know that I really went from paralysis into letting my Creator carry me through. His Will will get done no-matter what we fear. :) So for the last several weeks these are just some of the spontaneous things, words, requests, texts, and pictures that have come across my lap personally to confirm my direction is now: step out and change fear to faith with freedom...

I also then received a video link sent to my email...

I'm not listening either :)

So, I realized I'm a dreamer...and my fears came from thinking about failing what could be the end result. But see, I have to stop. Be still in the moment to find what today has for me. I've wasted many days worrying about a tomorrow that isn't promised to me. If I try today, and die tomorrow then I have succeeded because failure wasn't in the "trying it"...failure would be in doing nothing.

Circus animals are trained from the time of infants by chains holding onto their legs. This gives them a boundary in which they come to realize they cannot pass over. So when the elephant then becomes big...it doesn't know that the trainers have unlatched it from the anchor, so this large animal still thinks its being held back and doesn't even try to go past it's boundary. Even though, this monstrous powerhouse could have pulled it's weight and won against such an anchor for a very long time...it's perception and mind has been tricked into thinking it couldn't. Well, I'm a monstrous powerhouse that God has freed for His Glory. I thought I was still stuck, chained, and locked away from being what was already naturally mine to share.

Can't wait to share my destiny. If you're in my personal life then you're part of the story too...how fun! 

Overloaded...........

...........with ideas to write about today, but haven't decided on anything yet. I thought I would just start typing and see where the heart leads. Ok, subjects could include an obediant wife, a step-parents views, a hotel stay, a public family secret, disorders and diseases, uhhhmmmm there is so many but what is prevelant for today? I must say my eyes have been opened a little more today by one little phone call. See, God puts people in your path just for the very moment that you need it. I didn't realize I needed anything but a job; and then I get the phone call. This very phone call could enhance, destroy, save, enlighten, give strength or just improve a wonderful marriage and unity of the souls.

Step-parenting; I can't say I know anything about it as I have never been one. So why would I write about such a topic.....because I'm married to one, and have relations that are one, etc. Where do they actually fit into the picture, and when do they actually get the recognition that they deserve. Are they just a piece of the puzzle to always get played or the piece left put up and never seen. They are not in the deciding factor in the final decisions of things nomatter if they are the caregiver, insurance payor, the house supplier, the meal maker, the taxi driver, and the money giver.

Are my eyes really open to the possibility that "the" step-parent can see right thru the games that might be played; manipulation, lying, butterup, deception, sneakiness? I am not just talking about my personal family but even the ones that might very well be reading this. Does it really matter for the sp to say anything at all about a subject, when the actual parent always is blinded, gives in, and thinks its all ok? Why even ask them if we're only going to make the final choice in the matter and it be our opinion that is the solution.

I am forever not agreeing with my husband on the rules, discipline, etc for my daughter that lives with us....because I've already lost one daughter back to her dad. That's my thought; I didn't lose her nor did my husband have anything to do with that move. I have to blame somebody though, right? It can't be my fault.......of course, it could be that there was a teenager that thought grass was greener on the other side as well. It's possible it was just all part of the game........and then it could be that well; I can't go into the depths of someone else's choices. Ok no blaming anyone here, just a realization moment for me............this about me realizing that my husband really is pushed back. If some life or death situation was to happen to the kids; the sp wouldn't be calling any final shots in the norm. As an wife that is very much in love with my  husband; I really could've pushed him away by not sitting down and finding out the very reason each of us feel the way we do about such decisions that need to be made. Can we agree to take the time to listen to the logic then proclaim the answer with love?

He doesn't know I have even been enlightened today, about his position in our family. I don't want him left out, and I don't want to push him out eventually either. I also don't want him to punish incorrectly; uhhmmm let's see I guess I'm the judge and I know exactly the perfect punishment is for every situation. NOPE! I really need to listen; I guess sometimes his anger overrides my thinking that he can make a "loving, impactful action/decision". He can't do it right cuz he's mad, He can't do it right cuz he's not been a parent as long, He can't .........do anything if I don't let him share in all these experiences that parents/a marriage should share. Part of that is making mistakes, and standing by each other thru it all. My gosh, what have I done? I understand why he says "what's the point" now...........I know duh, right? Light-bulb should have went off then; but it didn't. Is it possible this is why so many marriages that include step kids don't work?

I know usually when there is step kids there is sometimes a missing biological parent missing from the whole picture do to drugs, alcohol, absenteeism, etc...........but I'm talking about where all parents are involved including step-parents on each side. Kids know right from wrong, and how to get their way; am I missing it by wearing rose colored glasses? I don't want to be too hard, and I don't want them to be unhappy cuz they might just leave............well EYES OPENED along with HEART! I am not playing anymore, my marriage has to last a lifetime; I am partners with my man by God's Grace. I will have this very talk with him this evening; and apologize to him and the world! I have been controlling, unsupportive, and most of all not the spouse anybody would want to step-parent with. It falls down to fear..........I feared something, so I tried to control it myself. I no longer fear.............if they happen to want to leave; grass may be greener, but if its not then that was their decision. Old enough to make choices then old enough to enjoy the consequences. Let's Enjoy Life .............Overloaded!

Where are we going?

My baby girl decides she wants to move to her dads. Of course, her sister and dad are there. She has a good step mom and additional siblings as well. I'm crushed, but I have a plan. The ol' man can get a job transfer to Springfield, then we would be a lot closer to them both. I could actually drive down and see them even for a couple hours. We want to be in the country anyway, especially now that we have this wild preschool boy. I do miss the peace that is found when the wind blows thru your hair in the country; without the smog making it greasy. Perfect plan, right.

My hubby is a wanted man I guess and work doesn't want him to go anywhere. We believe there might even be some behind the scenes talk going on to keep him from being able to transfer. I don't have good things to say about this, but I will look at it this way. I'm glad he is an asset; maybe he won't be another one looking at a layoff.

Of course, we thought about him getting another job down there if the transfer doesn't happen. We can't do that though because of Koda's condition. We have to keep the insurance that we have for as long as possible, so there is no precondition exemptions. Thank God he likes his job, huh? I've made emotional decisions before and they always seem to bite me later. I will hate it if we don't get to go, but at the same time; I don't want to go if something bad will happen after getting there. I want to move to be closer to the girls and fulfill my desires for nature.

We'll see, the bosses are meeting in Springfield the end of this month. They are supposed to discuss this transfer then. I just have a problem with patience. I want to be doing something now because we are staying with family. I want to know where we are going, so we can look for a place to live. If we stay here, I'm a little overwhelmed with where we should live. We need to think of Koda's education as he will be starting preschool this year, and on to Kindergarten next. We are thinking we need to move across state lines as there are more options that meet our budget as far as housing.

So until something breaks, I don't know where we are going.