We're blooming into spring way early this year. I had the windows open in February and in shorts by the end of the first week of March. Crazy! What's summer going to look like here in Kansas? We're in need of a good soaking rain, and as I look out my kitchen window at the gloomy weather that can cause much despair on the emotional well being of some...I for a moment am caught up in a tornado of thoughts. Why can't I be one of those that have it all together?
The trigger to this thought comes from physically facing the overwhelming stacks of papers, reports, bills, insurance EOB's, stuff to file, stuff to throw away, envelopes that haven't been opened in weeks (if I don't open it...I don't owe it, right?). The mail comes and I push it aside awaiting the day to get organized and get it together. I already know what is in the envelopes and I know I can't pay the bill, or get focused, or seem to find enough time to meet the demands of the ever increasing papers to fill out for someone, some service, some requirement that is in urgent need. I filled the trashcan as I know I need to shred those documents, and I look outside just for a moment to catch the glimpse of what we need...Kansas is in need of rain...and so it will come. The squirrels are running along the fence line playing as if they have no cause of any worry. The trees are blooming without a care in the world, just doing what it does. The birds are singing as they swoop down to find food in my yard...and I'm wondering where the food may come from for the next week until payday. Does anyone else struggle? Is it really that I'm so dysfunctional and oblivious to what else I should be doing to make things balanced in life?On top of all that, my heart is torn from what Neurofibromatosis can do. If you've never heard of such a word, that's understandable even with much awareness; it's still pretty unknown within communities. When it's a child though it just doesn't seem fair and that part I thought I couldn't control. Maybe I still can't control the outcome, but you bet your sweet tarts I'm going to do everything in my power to drive this monster another direction to the best of my ability. In the past always looking for the next pill or medical advice to help; we're now driving away. We've done 8 years of meds...we are heading for nutrition and supplement city. We are alkalizing our bodies, filling them with oxygen and decreasing the chances of feeding the tumors more of what they want. We've removed all sugar as stated in other blogs and found where the deficiencies are. What if, just what if...the body heals itself with the balance of good organic whole foods, water, exercise, and necessary supplements? Just what if? What if we are feeding the monster with the processed food, gmo's, medications, etc? I can't take that chance anymore.
I've only lived a few years of my life at a place of serenity, joyful balance and without need. I don't work right now so why don't I have time, make time, prioritize such issues better than I do? There's something more to this chaos and I'm wondering if I'm alone? Some would immediately say...well, get a job. Yeah, okay that would bring in some income but it would also take most of it to buy another vehicle to drive (as we only have one), the gas, insurance, maintenance for such a vehicle. I'd lose the time at home with doing laundry, dishes and not stressing over the days off to do these things; which take time away from what matters to me most...my family time. I don't get joy from the mudane thought of repetitive work with no real purpose to my being. So, by re-reading that last sentence I sense I've not found my "place" in the world. But that's just an excuse too tho very true, I don't stay on top of the stuff at home as I should. It's in these moments of thoughts where I can drown in self misery. It becomes a worldwind of self pity, shame, guilt, and well I'm just not who I want to be.
I am constantly thinking about getting back to work; that's what every one thinks and most do. If I thought it would reduce my debt, give me some soul satisfaction, and I could complete work and home...I'd do it in a minute. I can't though, not right now at least...I don't know how to make that happen. It's quite embarrassing to write such vulnerability and transparencies down for the world to access, but I somehow don't think everybody really does have it together. I don't think everyone does have the financial freedom without stress of robbing Peter to pay Paul or have credit cards debt out the whazoo. Have you ever had your utilities shut off? Have you ever had to file bankruptcy? Have you ever been evicted from a home or went through foreclosure? Have you ever had a medical diagnosis that took more than you're capable of earning even after insurance? Are you actually doing everything you know to do and it still isn't working out?
How I make it though is only because of a husband that works his ass off! He cares for his family and is a provider for sure. He wants me to do whatever makes me happy, and with that he assures me staying home is just fine with him. Now, granted we all have wants but we personally have found out that there is serenity and security in having just our needs met. I keep going back to what am I doing wrong? Well, first off...not going to the city to ask for an extension before the due date gets your water turned off. So, who's to blame there...no one but me. Now with that said, I had a reminder on my phone to do such but because I was out and about busy I dismissed it and then forgot. Ugh! How long can a husband continue to deal with a wife who does such things? Does he get frustrated because if he does; he never says anything to me about it. He always says, it'll be ok. Is he in denial too? Maybe he thinks (here I go again putting thoughts in his head he never once thought) he busts his butt at work and he doesn't want to deal with any additional issues until they arise? I have no idea where I'm going with all this because again as it's titled a tornado of thoughts. Procrastination is a personal description I'd give myself as well when it comes to personal life. I'm not that way when I work, so why is it that I'm that way at home?
I can't fix it at the moment so don't face it maybe is my underlying issue. You know if I think back on it, if I left my room messy...Grandma would come in and clean it. So if I leave it long enough will someone else take care of it? It's not working like that in adulthood at all...though I will say the hubby always gets us out of stuff that I personally think in the moment is going to destroy us.Am I alone? Do I need to get off FB, Twitter, Instagram again because it's taking too much of my time? Will I really do more, if I did...or would I fall back in bed with the darkness of depression. I can almost hear it...Girl, go get you some meds! Ha...no thanks. I wonder how many would fess up to thinking that is what I need? This storm shall too pass but it does seem this is one area that I just keep going round and round the dance floor with. I need to find a new dance or leave. I'm also thinking I really should not publish this; then I think, but what if I did? For the readers within my circle of friends, would you still think positive of me? Now, does it really matter? Tornados can be beautiful and intriguing from a distance, but to be in it; uhm, scary, overwhelming fear, and the thought of life is about to come to an end. So please don't judge from a distance unless you've been in your own tornado. As I finish this last sentence...a release of huge rain drops begin to pound the outside furniture and a freedom comes to my soul. The storm never stays; yes, it may do some damage but from it I learn for the next time it hits.
I have it more together than I am thinking. Bills have been paid for the most part most of the time.
Here's to risk, chances, and authentic vulnerability. Aren't you glad you're not stuck in my head? :)
Blessings!
~Yvonne
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