The voice of rape...

(Warning: potentially triggering info to follow, if you have PTSD or are a victim of rape/abuse...please don't read ahead unless you have someone with you, you have processed your situation, and you have healthy boundaries for yourself set up via counselor/therapist, etc)

Meet my biological maternal grandma...Lola. She and my grandpa adopted me May 7th, 1997 when I was 12 years old though I had lived with them and my mother since birth. (Adoption story to come at a later time)

Grandma never lived far from me as an adult except for when I moved to another city with my family, but then it was only 5 months. Thanksgiving week 2013, she came to live with me because she had Alzheimer's. Reflecting back, I see now when it all started. She knew something was wrong but was intelligent enough to cover it up. She had always been the caregiver of everyone, great with accounting, was the most amazing cook, the full time homemaker after her accident left her disabled, and the one who attended all my school functions and extracurricular activities. She was a fabulous wife from what I saw. She was hard headed and always done as she wanted; like mow what seemed to be 40 acres of grass after 5 back operations (never taking anything more than a tylenol for her pain). Homemade bread and cinnamon rolls...ohhh my!

Anyway, it was a rough first night in our home. Not only had I moved her into a home with many doors (there's 5 in just the living room alone), she was in a strange place, and my oldest daughter & hubby had come into town late that night. She was so scared that she came out with her cane raised, and her eyes told the story that she didn't know where she was or who we were. It was the saddest thing I'd ever seen. She was there in body but Grandma was gone. She hid inappropriate used toiletries in different places in her room to hide her incontinence that we all knew she had, and she used to know we knew. I took her to a doctor to get an established PCP and they immediately put her on a medication after she failed the testing for Alzheimers. Me not being experienced in Alzheimer's caused me to join a support group and find out all I could; to help her enjoy as much of her life that she had left. Unknowingly, the medication was not right for her and we ended up at the behavioral unit at the hospital by Christmas.

She had gotten mean and abusive to the animals even her own, hitting my child and saying inappropriate abusive things as well. We had our good days and our bad ones. She even ran away once. I didn't know what to do, I was so frustrated (this wasn't my grandma), scared, sad, and lost. When she arrived at the hospital she bit the ER nurse and slapped her...that's what got her sent to the behavioral unit. From there, the doctors advised me that she was not in a state to be living in my home with the animals and a child. They drugged her up in there...and I hated that! I rushed to get her out and placed within a facility because as much as I didn't want to, I had to keep my family safe. Thankfully we got the meds straightened out before leaving the hospital. She had deteriorated fast during that 2 weeks in there.

We got her placed, and she was happy most of the time. She had "friends" to eat dinner with, games to play, and they let her fulfill her need to be caregiver by letting her fold "no one's clothes", wiped down the tables, etc. Everything was good except she wasn't getting enough fluids...she got dehydrated and got a major kidney infection which made her "crazy" again causing her to fall...so off to the hospital we go to get stitches in her head.

The next 2 days would be the most horrific traumatizing experience of my life and her's. In ER...they went to place a catheter in and she went "ballistic". She shut off her voice and started signing. (history: her daughter/my mother was deaf and we all sign ASL) I couldn't believe what I was watching/reading...holy crap...I'm experiencing her rape assaults (multiple over the next 2 days) via sign language. Every single detail of the trauma was triggered by the catheter. I'm bawling and trying to decipher if I'm to relay the message to the nurse or what the hell I was supposed to do. All I could do was yell..."GET IT OUT"! She doesn't stop flying the hands...like she's talking to the rapist at one point then changing to explaining what's going on. No one ever knew her story...except maybe grandpa; I don't know. What I do know is though it was never allowed to be talked about because that was part of the story she shared; it was her family's skeletons in the closet. I found out who her rapist was and everything he did to her.

My life forever changed. Her voice was loud and clear. She passed on Sept. 6, 2014.

So, with that all said...please, please, please if you have ever experienced any type of trauma, abuse, rape, whatever; know that your body never forgets; no matter the determination of your heart/soul to hide it, shame it, or deny it. This shouldn't be the way someone finds out. Talk to somebody, get some help, and don't be silent because your voice will come out either while you're in control of it or when you are no longer in control. You are not alone. You didn't deserve it or cause it. It is not ok. #lolaintheraw

In Loving Memory...Grandma, I love you!

4 steps to NO MORE FOOD/SWEET Cravings (Step 3)

The pictures/quotes are women driven but this blog is for males as well. I come to find this is one of the most important but a difficult step within the 4 because it supports emotional health. If you've missed out on Step 1 and/or Step 2 make sure and click on those links as they are highlighted.

Step 3 is Support.

We have these little voices that say ohhh one piece will be ok, and I won't have anymore. Yeah right...it never works like that. You know, 1 Pringles chip is impossible or even the serving size of 16 chips were impossible for me. Once you give into the temptation of the first piece, first anything there is an army of excuses for the 2nd and 3rd until it's uncontrollable again. It's a lie. We must have supports in place prior to the event. This support holds us accountable and hopefully one has such in place that will lay the truth out in love; and one is able to receive it when emotionally one may be in denial. Trust the supports.

I was once in several accountability groups and we tried and tested each other. The most beneficial thing I learned from such a group was that you must have multiple layers of steps away from caving. Let me explain this detail. This goes for anything in life that is addicting, toxic, or just something you choose to stay away from. For instance, you have an unhealthy relationship with someone you know you shouldn't, it's not enough just to say you're not going to talk to that person again. If one is emotionally attached, there's a grieving process as one will have felt as though they died. This is a normal process in clearing one's circle of unhealthy relationships. One must have several barriers up to help protect yourself from caving into just calling them up. So first, make a commitment to yourself. Some people have great will power and compete within themselves; this is great, but it's not bullet proof. Next, make a plan of barriers to run into before actually calling, then get some accountability partners to call upon in need. Three or more team members are the best because there will be times those people will not be immediately available when you need them.

Here's example building the plan & barriers to such success. Every time I use this strategy, it works.

1. Commitment to self (make reminders on mirrors, in the car, on your phone, on your fridge even)

2. Ideally get a 3+ accountability/support team with daily interaction even if it's just a smiley face that you have met the goal for the day. I've got a support group for different topics that still happen on a daily basis everyday. These people help keep me on track, love me unconditionally, and are not quiet when I've stepped off track.

3. Find your weaknesses and REMOVE all items from home, car, phone that may tempt. Food, pictures, Facebook; other social media, delete music that reminds, block people, delete contacts from phone, if needed take a social media "fast", break, or vacation especially if the temptation to look them up is your weakness. Drive a different way if you know you'll see them or that restaurant, turn off the TV commercials, etc.

This is exactly what an accountability partner would say.

4. Pray, meditation, yoga, exercise, listen to music, find a therapist whatever it is that helps you connect with self and the best journey forward.

I understand this struggle in a very real way...probably more than you can imagine. Without details, of course, here's the exact subjects that I have had to build and use this plan with; Marriage, emotionally unhealthy relationships, addictions, finances, and well food. I didn't place food in the addictions category because some don't view their struggles as an addiction; so didn't want to leave that as a possibility of denial. I hope this makes sense. This is not easy, it takes full thought into planning the fences, barriers, support, etc.

I'm seriously here to help in anyway I can. If you want more understanding, help in this area, or lacking supports regardless of the topic in which you want to discontinue; I can do that...contact me. There's no charge here for support. Life is a struggle and it's real. This is my passion in life is to help others become the best that they can be. I know sharing your vulnerability and struggles can be embarrassing and hard to admit; I know, I get that, but no judgments here. I've done and seen it all in this journey. Guess what, I fail, fall, and thankfully can say I get back up. It's ok to be human. It's ok to have a bad day that's why we place the barriers so you can trip several times and still not hit rock bottom. These supports give you a ledges
to fall upon without falling into the pit.

It's my hope you find Hope & Support in this blog to push you through to a healthy you!

Blessings
`Yvonne