Decluttering...the ultimate betrayal

Betrayal...makes your mascara run!

I can say my life is by no way an accident, I have purpose and so do you. There's just way too many circumstances, tragedies, experiences, and such that I have personally went thru for it to not be of value to someone. The only way I have survived is by knowing thru my vulnerability, my story, my moments of rawness that someone is helped, understood, validated, and given hope. I've been decluttering & simplifying my home since August 1st, and if I would've known what I know this minute...I don't know that I would've started it. Now comes a season of decluttering & simplifying my emotions even though I didn't "ask" or "want" to.

Like the last couple days...Sometimes all I can do is cry it all out because there's no one I can talk to about such matters except for God. Which by the way, I realize is the only one to talk to...He's the only one who can do anything about it anyway. It's a twisted tangled mess that includes way too many people, so talking about it isn't an option. I'm a talker...so God has got His ears filled these last couple days with slurred words, blubbering noises, and whaling that even a toddler can't produce.

"I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God." ~Psalm 69:3. Until I have more clarification (because I can't trust my judgments right now), His Word is where I turn. I'm not alone there. What scares the "be Jesus" out of me...is exactly that; He was different, and didn't comply with the world nor their rules of normalcy. If I was to talk to anyone...they would in-fact think I was sick and have lost my mind. How in world could I go down this road? See, it's about forgiveness. It's about a forgiveness that isn't talked about. It's about despite the world view of how I should respond...I'm choosing to forgive. Believe me...I want to run away from this situation, and in the world's eyes I'd have validation for it.

Can I forgive at that level. That kind of forgiveness means to forget as God has forgotten...uhm, that's deep, that's hard, and to be honest I don't know if I can. I'm human...so is that kind of forgiveness possible? I don't know if I can live with myself if the consequences of it coming back to yet again be repeated. That's not my job tho...I don't know that...So, do I trust God that won't happen? I don't know if I can be like Jesus here. I thought for sure I was a follower...but, I can follow all day long. It's the "be like" Him that for the first time in my life...I just don't know that I can. See, I can forgive those whom do something to me ohhh how I wish this was anything like that. I've had to forgive my abusers, my naysayers, my parents, my grandparents, my friends, my kids, people from past relationships, all of that...so I thought I had forgiveness down.

But see the real issue here...is will I forgive myself for the decision that comes after the forgiveness. Do I stay, do I go, and whichever I do with this; will we be okay? The unknown is scary as hell. Sure there's people that if I had committed suicide and left a note with the story that would've said, "I wish she would've said something, I would've helped"...those people really aren't there like that. Those words come only when they are safe from having to fulfill such a need. I'm speaking from experience here because I've asked in the past...and that's when everyone seems to have not seen your message, it's urgency is dismissed, and is it even their responsibility? So yes, my past tends to help me make my decisions. I'm not going to share the tragic darts of this situation to find out no one is there to help with human effort. Again, a light bulb moment and reflection back to myself...am I there for others in this way? Seriously! Are we all so shut down behind the "knowing what they'd all would say and do" so why do it...then we sit in our pit of mire alone. All alone...well not Spiritual speaking but humanly speaking yes.

So...today I turn to God in my turmoil. It's Him alone that can do anything about it anyway. I do wonder what this is going to do for someone else...If I can't talk about it then how can I help another. It's my story but I'm involved deeply and entangled with so many more that it's not my place to put them out there. God help us!

A meme came across my screen that put it all into place for me along with the faithful prayers of some caring friends....If you went to Heaven, and God said...I forgive you to the same measure you gave forgiveness...how forgiven would I be? Matthew 6:15 "but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses". Ohhh do I need forgiveness too! Anybody else?

So, I'm not running away or ending the relationship of the one that has ultimately betrayed me...I'm going to embrace it...with healthy boundaries, stated expectations and not naive to being co-dependent, enabling, or excusing the behavior...Jesus didn't leave me when I've betrayed Him, so I'm not leaving this one either. May we all in this entangled mess allow Jesus to untie the knots in due time. Friendships are valuable & forgiveness is growth in the hardest sense of the word.

Release & Believe has never been so confirmed in my life as it is right now...this business in which I get the privilege of running will be stronger than ever because of my experiences. It's more than oils, it's being real with people in their situation, connecting on a personal level, and it's more than releasing...it's the power that comes in the changing ones intentions to affirmations & seriously believing it. I'm seeing a developing inner circle of support for those whom have been betrayed. If you'd like to have a connection, let me know. Thank you Jesus for allowing me to sit with you in your betrayal so that I may learn.


 #bedifferent #callustheweirdos #iwannabelikejesus #releaseandbelieve #inmyrawyouarenotalone

What a circus year!! It's back to school time...

Fun Friday...this is sarcasm. Hello me!

K has had surgery and healed zoom fast! I'm so thankful for the incorporation of Young Living's essential oils being an avenue of  help in regards to speed & no scarring. Thank you all so much for your prayers that got us thru this last year.

It's been a year since we had to abruptly move, and while it was seemingly the worst year at many moments especially my mental health throughout this year...it has ended to be the best ever! No, K needing surgery I sure could've done without, but what came from that is nothing short of God using that time to step me onto my divine calling in life. It's fabulous when one finds their purpose in life. I have done that, and with that now thrive, am invigorated with excitement to see how and who I'll be blessed by helping next. Check out Release & Believe to see what I'm up to these days as a entrepreneur.

We have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know our son this summer without any chemical induced control thru medications. Who is he...he is vibrant, fun, creative, and loves to tell the most outlandish stories using the things he's most interested in. He has not needed the Ipad so much since the meds are gone, as he is outside doing the "typical boy" things like playing with big nerf guns, pretending stuff is blowing up, etc. But see what is sad about this...is the other kids his age are stuck behind the their phones or gaming devices. He has no friends, and with being socially immature and awkward he has found playtime with a 4 year old girl and I'm fine with that. He's compassionate & they play well together. He is using the EO's to help keep his emotions in order, support quality sleep, and overall functioning. He still doesn't self regulate, so we have to remind him to use the oils.

I don't even know where to start on the most current situation, but we're back to school. Back to school in a "new" to him school called Middle school. We only have one middle school here so all three of the elementary schools come in. I've had calls almost every single day for something from BM accidents, behaviors, headaches, etc. So before I go into any details on that, here's the disruptions in life that are happening around him that would affect many...

1. New school (new atmosphere/environment)

2. New & more teachers

3. New & more kids

4. Not yet have we had a full week of school even tho we started on Aug 23rd.

5. His big sisters have been here staying in and out (guests always throw him off)

6. More transitions (he has 9 classes and not all classes are the same daily)...(college atmosphere)

7. We are remodeling our home so things are out of sort here

Can we just let things settle for a moment for him...like get a full week of school in?

So they called an emergency meeting to figure out what to do for him at school. He has an IEP (it's never been what I call the best and each year it changes because each school & staff sees things differently). I go in and sit down with 11 teachers & admin that tell me he cannot control himself, he's all over the place, and that he can't focus...and here comes the question; why isn't he on meds like he was last year? He needs them. BAM!!! They are not doctors! I suggested that he get to use his oils...NOPE! I said don't girls get to carry around perfume bottles in their purses or lotions? I can make him up something like that, NOPE! They don't want the liability...What?! You don't have to put them on, you don't have to administer, but you might have to tell him to do it. NOPE! If I can get the doctor to write a prescription for it and it be on the named bottle just as it is to be administered, then and only then they'll accept. I've got a primary doctor who will do it, but...why is it always the meds is the easy way out?

Where's the accommodations and modifications play in? It is important here to measure not just the child's behavior, but also the reactions & events in the child's environment. Why are we not looking for the cause of the behavior...because there is one. Our behavior serves as a metaphor for communication. Can we be observant scientists, and figure this out...I can't be there to do this for them. There's a motivation for everything we do. It's either to escape (a lot of adult parents do this at the check out line when the kid is screaming for what they want and the parent gives in to escape; which is in neither parties best interest), get attention (positive or negative: they are in need of interaction), or to avoid (a complicated one) that one has discovered & learned by cues in that particular environment that have been connected to past unpleasant events that causes a thought of "I'm not going to put myself in this situation". If a teacher, for example here, has already at the beginning of the year set a negative environment that my child has picked up on; he's going to do whatever he can to keep from entering that situation again. We all do it.

It cracks me up...we've all been told to be good & listen. Listening is not really what you want them to do...you want them to "do" something not just "hear" you...because chances are they did hear. Wording is so important. "Be good", what is good? Have we written out the details of what this actually means and where are it's boundaries? It's a highly sophisticated concept involving social norms, context, modulation of intensity & quality of behavior, and the motivation to comply with those norms & guidelines. The meaning behind "be good" changes with every person saying it, even my husband and I don't have the same definition for "be good". Good grief, how are we so loosing the point & the projected goal with words that cannot be defined in literal context. After we discover the reasoning behind the behaviors then we can exchange that behavior for the one we want. Until we do this...we're all going to run around the wilderness with the same problems happening over and over. Medicine isn't the only need here...if in-fact we get the behaviors figured out then we can look at meds. I'm not against meds, but I am against it being the first choice (have I said that a million times before). Attitude, Approach, Acceptance, and careful & intentional observations is what needs to happen with open minds to the possibilities of that which is "outside the box" of our typical thinking or experiences. 

What's ohhh so frustrating to me is the fact that this very morning K & I had a detailed conversation over how he had transferred to the SpEd room yesterday. He was able to tell me what he read, learned and how much he enjoyed the classroom. This has never happened. Why the %$#^ can't this happen? Why does it have to be temporary? Why are they so against it? I'm so tired of hearing how intelligent he is and what all he brings to a classroom when I'm here at home hoping some day he will stop having #1 & #2 accidents in his pants, #2 predominately...and when it does happen to be able to clean his own butt. Seriously, that is a big deal and a needed life skill if you ask me. He doesn't acknowledge or care that there is poop in his pants...and he's 12. I've seriously got more things I'd rather be researching and learning than how to conduct myself & how to express my voice to the ones trying to educate him. Why am I asked to come in? I'm not listened to when they do ask?

So we go back to the psychiatrist to talk about meds again on the 21st. Until then, I'll get off my soap box as a momma bear, helicopter parent that just wants all avenues of supports, interventions, and modifications done before we turn to medications. By the way, what tests he has taken so far...100% on them. Who isn't learning here? Hope you all have a fabulous September!! :)