Don't settle for a diagnosis...dig hard, be rooted!

Do you have a chronic illness, are you dealing with multiple diagnosis', are you tired of not being heard by your medical team, do you feel there's just something missing? I see you, I feel you, and I hear you...let me give you something to think about because this post isn't about us as much as it is hope for somebody else. May our experience be a boat of recovery, rescue, light and overall healing for somebody. Read to the bottom to see the list. Please share or tag someone who needs to see that list & is suffering.

We are tired, but we know there's something not right. Many will accept their diagnosis' as the final answer, and many are relieved after getting a diagnosis' so they know what they're working with. Let me encourage you not to settle. Roots...get grounded in God & His Word...and He will bring you understanding. By me being rooted daily in Him, He hasn't allowed me to settle with any of this medical stuff with our kiddo just yet. Through the journey I keep thinking ohhhh we've found it, only to go even deeper...roots can run deep. 

Bandaids cover symptoms they do not get to the root of the problem to bring recovery, cures, or healing as a whole. Let me give you a few examples of why you should not quit on your quest to the best you medically.

1. K was given melatonin as a toddler because he wouldn't go to sleep, wouldn't stay asleep, tossed & turned all night long. Melatonin did help, but it didn't stop it. I felt so uneasy about giving even this safe medication because it stops the body from making the hormone naturally. He's only 3 (almost 13 now), why would I want to set him up for a future like that? My advice...all sleep issues need a sleep study, period! We found out he actually has restless leg syndrome. He was put on a NOT approved for children restless leg syndrome medication instead. We use to trust the doctors too...only to make him worse, needing higher doses of medication. It had to STOP! Back to digging deeper...found deficiencies were the root...but that wasn't ever discussed until we brought it up to the dr.

2. Meds at 4 for ADHD symptoms, that turned into an Autism diagnosis as well...only to find out at 11 that he had Central Auditory Processing Disorder which he needed receivers...made so much difference. See how one thing has led to another.

We're not done. This is now what we're bringing up to the doctors after the latest DNA testing...they did 3 of the 4 available & the 4th one will tell us more about what we're actually dealing with. Look at this list...each and every single one of those are labels/boxes to put you under for a medication to be prescribed. Are we at the root, I don't know yet, but it is about to get interesting around here...just look at the list & see if you fall into any of these categories. Question it, ask, keep digging for yourself. That 3 of 4 DNA tests they just done on him, I question why was the 4th left out? It is the MTHFR DNA test....see here https://genesight.com/product/

MTHFR Mutation Symptoms and Signs

Although researchers still aren’t entirely sure which diseases and disorders an MTHRF mutation might contribute to most, evidence exists that the following health problems are tied to one of two primary forms of genetic MTHFR mutation:

Autism and other childhood learning developmental problems

ADHD

Down syndrome

Depression and anxiety

Spina bifida

Schizophrenia

Bipolar disorder

Autoimmune disorders and thyroid disorders

Addictions (alcohol and drug dependence for example)

Chronic pain disorders

Migraines

Heart problems, including low HDL “good” cholesterol levels and high homocysteine levels

Hormonal problems and fertility problems, including miscarriages and PCOS

Pulmonary embolisms

Fibromyalgia

Diabetes

Chronic fatigue syndrome

Parkinson’s disease, other tremor disorders and Alzheimer’s disease

Strokes

Digestive problems, including irritable bowel syndrome

Problems during pregnancy, including preeclampsia and postpartum depression

The severity and type of symptoms that someone experiences depends on the variant of the mutation the person has, along with much how the ability to carry out methylation and make MTHFR enzymes is impacted. Some people produce up to 70 percent to 90 percent fewer enzymes than those without MTHFR mutations. Other experience much less drastic drops in enzyme levels, around 10 percent to 30 percent.

Don't give up...you are worth it...find the root!

What a circus year!! It's back to school time...

Fun Friday...this is sarcasm. Hello me!

K has had surgery and healed zoom fast! I'm so thankful for the incorporation of Young Living's essential oils being an avenue of  help in regards to speed & no scarring. Thank you all so much for your prayers that got us thru this last year.

It's been a year since we had to abruptly move, and while it was seemingly the worst year at many moments especially my mental health throughout this year...it has ended to be the best ever! No, K needing surgery I sure could've done without, but what came from that is nothing short of God using that time to step me onto my divine calling in life. It's fabulous when one finds their purpose in life. I have done that, and with that now thrive, am invigorated with excitement to see how and who I'll be blessed by helping next. Check out Release & Believe to see what I'm up to these days as a entrepreneur.

We have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know our son this summer without any chemical induced control thru medications. Who is he...he is vibrant, fun, creative, and loves to tell the most outlandish stories using the things he's most interested in. He has not needed the Ipad so much since the meds are gone, as he is outside doing the "typical boy" things like playing with big nerf guns, pretending stuff is blowing up, etc. But see what is sad about this...is the other kids his age are stuck behind the their phones or gaming devices. He has no friends, and with being socially immature and awkward he has found playtime with a 4 year old girl and I'm fine with that. He's compassionate & they play well together. He is using the EO's to help keep his emotions in order, support quality sleep, and overall functioning. He still doesn't self regulate, so we have to remind him to use the oils.

I don't even know where to start on the most current situation, but we're back to school. Back to school in a "new" to him school called Middle school. We only have one middle school here so all three of the elementary schools come in. I've had calls almost every single day for something from BM accidents, behaviors, headaches, etc. So before I go into any details on that, here's the disruptions in life that are happening around him that would affect many...

1. New school (new atmosphere/environment)

2. New & more teachers

3. New & more kids

4. Not yet have we had a full week of school even tho we started on Aug 23rd.

5. His big sisters have been here staying in and out (guests always throw him off)

6. More transitions (he has 9 classes and not all classes are the same daily)...(college atmosphere)

7. We are remodeling our home so things are out of sort here

Can we just let things settle for a moment for him...like get a full week of school in?

So they called an emergency meeting to figure out what to do for him at school. He has an IEP (it's never been what I call the best and each year it changes because each school & staff sees things differently). I go in and sit down with 11 teachers & admin that tell me he cannot control himself, he's all over the place, and that he can't focus...and here comes the question; why isn't he on meds like he was last year? He needs them. BAM!!! They are not doctors! I suggested that he get to use his oils...NOPE! I said don't girls get to carry around perfume bottles in their purses or lotions? I can make him up something like that, NOPE! They don't want the liability...What?! You don't have to put them on, you don't have to administer, but you might have to tell him to do it. NOPE! If I can get the doctor to write a prescription for it and it be on the named bottle just as it is to be administered, then and only then they'll accept. I've got a primary doctor who will do it, but...why is it always the meds is the easy way out?

Where's the accommodations and modifications play in? It is important here to measure not just the child's behavior, but also the reactions & events in the child's environment. Why are we not looking for the cause of the behavior...because there is one. Our behavior serves as a metaphor for communication. Can we be observant scientists, and figure this out...I can't be there to do this for them. There's a motivation for everything we do. It's either to escape (a lot of adult parents do this at the check out line when the kid is screaming for what they want and the parent gives in to escape; which is in neither parties best interest), get attention (positive or negative: they are in need of interaction), or to avoid (a complicated one) that one has discovered & learned by cues in that particular environment that have been connected to past unpleasant events that causes a thought of "I'm not going to put myself in this situation". If a teacher, for example here, has already at the beginning of the year set a negative environment that my child has picked up on; he's going to do whatever he can to keep from entering that situation again. We all do it.

It cracks me up...we've all been told to be good & listen. Listening is not really what you want them to do...you want them to "do" something not just "hear" you...because chances are they did hear. Wording is so important. "Be good", what is good? Have we written out the details of what this actually means and where are it's boundaries? It's a highly sophisticated concept involving social norms, context, modulation of intensity & quality of behavior, and the motivation to comply with those norms & guidelines. The meaning behind "be good" changes with every person saying it, even my husband and I don't have the same definition for "be good". Good grief, how are we so loosing the point & the projected goal with words that cannot be defined in literal context. After we discover the reasoning behind the behaviors then we can exchange that behavior for the one we want. Until we do this...we're all going to run around the wilderness with the same problems happening over and over. Medicine isn't the only need here...if in-fact we get the behaviors figured out then we can look at meds. I'm not against meds, but I am against it being the first choice (have I said that a million times before). Attitude, Approach, Acceptance, and careful & intentional observations is what needs to happen with open minds to the possibilities of that which is "outside the box" of our typical thinking or experiences. 

What's ohhh so frustrating to me is the fact that this very morning K & I had a detailed conversation over how he had transferred to the SpEd room yesterday. He was able to tell me what he read, learned and how much he enjoyed the classroom. This has never happened. Why the %$#^ can't this happen? Why does it have to be temporary? Why are they so against it? I'm so tired of hearing how intelligent he is and what all he brings to a classroom when I'm here at home hoping some day he will stop having #1 & #2 accidents in his pants, #2 predominately...and when it does happen to be able to clean his own butt. Seriously, that is a big deal and a needed life skill if you ask me. He doesn't acknowledge or care that there is poop in his pants...and he's 12. I've seriously got more things I'd rather be researching and learning than how to conduct myself & how to express my voice to the ones trying to educate him. Why am I asked to come in? I'm not listened to when they do ask?

So we go back to the psychiatrist to talk about meds again on the 21st. Until then, I'll get off my soap box as a momma bear, helicopter parent that just wants all avenues of supports, interventions, and modifications done before we turn to medications. By the way, what tests he has taken so far...100% on them. Who isn't learning here? Hope you all have a fabulous September!! :)

Seek with all our heart...

...and that we did today. Koda couldn't be found. It wasn't typical for him to not be waiting for us out in the hall after Sunday school. (I didn't realize our class let out early, nor did I know they had put the junior high with the high school kids) So, on the search we went...around a couple times (every room either empty or full of kids that confirmed he wasn't there. Circles we went, and I bet we got in our 10,000 minimal steps just in this search alone for the day. So outside, to the car, to the creek beds, to the empty buildings outside, yelling his name, back in to double check bathrooms, and the sanctuary as he had usually come to find us. He's never ran off...so we were confused as to where he could possibly be. Asking for help, but getting blank stares & unmotivated people opened my eyes to a much greater need of understanding. They didn't get it at all. Becoming frantic, I asked if there could be an all over building intercom message...that didn't happen either; do they not have such a capability? I still don't know.

Every single second seemed like hours almost without me totally blowing this way out of portion. I didn't know where else to look, glad though that a couple people had took on the notice we were frantic & went searching for him too. As dad decided to head to the house just in-case he decided he wanted to walk home; which he has wanted to walk because we're so close...I was on my 4th round of inside the church when I heard his voice. Every single horrid thought, the fear, the frustration, and the heart pounding...came out in a whaling of tears; he was okay. He had not went off on his own choice, but was moved to a room in which he normally would never be; with the high school Sunday school class that had let out late.

We immediately left without going to typical worship time because of other issues that have came up. When I got home, I was drawn to the Bible with much pull. I opened up to Proverbs 1 where I felt led, read thru all of Chapter 4; and there God met me. I clearly got the message with all that I have been experiencing this (long week for me) week, seek wisdom/Him as I did for my son today & everything will turn out just as it's supposed to. By trusting, diligently seeking Him and His wisdom all these types of things come forth : protection, sweet sleep, confidence, favor, straight paths, insight, honor, live, no stumbling, understanding, barns overflowing, and assurance. Wow! Anyone else want any of this stuff? We seek it thru friends, family, money, careers, marriage, etc...when at least for me it is very clear I only need to seek Him.

Why do things happen, and this day; I know why it happened just as it did...so this very message could be found, heard, and implemented by me. It was a call to action. I didn't need to be in the sanctuary today because nothing could have impacted me like the "searching frantically for my son". He loves us so. I hope no one has to endure such to get the message, but if you do...I hope you find your message made just for you in it. Koda is my "why" in every single thing I do. Thanking God for the personal one on one time today.

How concerned or frantic are you seeking the One who makes all things better. In the wisdom He bestows there are sure a lot of promises we can hold on to. I think I've just had another "light bulb" moment of transformation. The beauty in the process of metamorphosis continues for me. While I walk in more freedom than I ever experienced, there's still a wisdom that never stops transforming our minds. On the right path, and knowing you are there...is probably the most "secure" feeling ever.


#releaseandbelieve #seekingHimovereverything #somethingclicks #lightbulbmoments #transformationintofreedom #securityinHim

The week I met my son...

for the first time without being prescription medicated for his autism and ADHD. There's no doubt that he needed something to help him since he was 3 years old especially if he was going to enter into a scheduled life of learning in public schools. He couldn't control any of the unique and outlandish behaviors, nonstop talking, there's a leaf or squirrel attention span, and anxiety through the roof.

(Quick update for those following our journey in regards to his skull that started back in November; feel free to read here if you haven't before. We have approval for the neurosurgeon, we don't have insurance approval for the plastic surgeon...how is this? Don't ask me! The insurance says it's not medically necessary. I don't call people stupid...but this is the stupidest/dumbest thing I have ever heard. For goodness sake, he's got a hole in his skull with a major vessel exposed. Whatever! They have drained me but they will not get me to quit. I'm guessing it is because we've met our deductible and they will have to cover it all. We are still just tentatively going to have surgery on April 21st. It's been a long time for this momma to wait. I want this over for his sake because he's concerned, and rightfully so.)

He's always had a great personality, but just like the commercial of the girl interviewing for the job...you got to have more than that. His personality, heart, and smile has definitely proven to be contagious if you can get thru the annoyances and quirkiness. It's hard to understand how someone can look so "ok" and so not be. On top of these diagnosis' he has a incurable genetic disorder that was by spontaneous mutation called Neurofibromatosis. If one struggle wasn't enough, when you build these together it's utter chaos. It's not his fault. It's not my fault. It's the cards we're dealt, and the journey that has taught me more than I could ever imagine.

This journey has put me on a path of research, and boy did I hate research papers in school. It's also been years of trial and error, with us still learning about him and ourselves every single day. I'll say some of the greatest discoveries have came thru an accident so to speak, or just flat tripped over it while walking it out. I've never been more thankful for a journey...not thankful he has suffered with all that he has, but what we've all learned from it.

The reason I title this post the way I did is because I really have never had a full week without him living life without prescriptions. Since February 2016 we've been on a quest to remove as many prescriptions as possible due to the abundance of side effects. You take one thing for a symptom, then you take another for the side effect of the first, and then you domino effect into a crash of chaos...that even the dr's can't help with because they don't know. When you are on (at one time over 20 prescriptions when he was on chemo) multiple prescriptions, no one has done studies of what happens when you do a combination of meds. They don't know the side effects of such recipes. His liver, stomach, esophagus, sleep, skin, and behaviors were all affected greatly. The chemicals in these prescriptions on top of the mix of them...was destroying him. We are not against prescriptions...we are against the over prescribing practices and band-aiding a condition without looking for the root.

Busted!

This is what set me out on the quest of finding the alternative. We did that through a long tedious year with multiple times of wanting to just give up. Over the last year we have gotten rid of 11 prescriptions for asthma, EXTREME restless leg syndrome, allergies, nerve pain, etc leaving us with 3 total meds which are for helping with ADHD and Autism. ***It's spring break 2017***...he has be able to prescription free since last Friday am (now Thursday). We got clearance from our doctor to try a full week of no prescriptions...granted he cannot be without help because he still has ADHD, NF, RLS, and autism. These diagnosis' aren't just going away. We have changed his diet, added supplements like magnesium, exercise, joint compressions, massage with raindrop technique, and a whole bunch of love & patience...and Young Living Essential Oils!

(ohhh gosh is supplements a journey in itself because these too have a horrible to great benefits. If you get a hold of an all chemical, cheap brand of supplements you are swallowing "nothing", and they don't absorb properly, hardly have any "whatever it is you need" in it, your body can't metabolize the type it is, etc. Just because it says magnesium...what kind of magnesium is it, and where did it come from?).

I've been 7 years looking for the best bang for my buck when it comes to the oils. Here's our story on that...my Facebook post. So with great welling up in my eyes and crocodile tears flowing down my cheeks, my heart is wrenching in sadness it's taken this long...I've met my son finally at almost 12 years old. I am getting to experience the "real" him, embracing the joy & compassion in his heart, with excitement seeing his passions/desires, fully grasping his creative and intelligent mind because he's calm enough to express himself fully without the distractions of life, anxiety of the world, and a sensory overloaded atmosphere. I have been blessed with insight this week, and all is well with my soul. I just know he's struggled for almost 12 years living this life...and now I can see his truth. No, we won't get to stay on this regime until after school is out due to many things, but I am awaiting summer in hopes all these last prescriptions will go away. I have video documented and photographed his behaviors this week to present to the Dr...so now as spring break ends I know without a shadow of doubt that God's creation of plants, trees, etc were made for our use...and they have benefited us greatly. I've never met a more beautiful person than my son. Thank you God for helping us all through this far!!

The flight, appointments, and... (Pt 1 of 2)

the IEP. On January 9th, we woke at 3:30 am to make it to the airport in time for our 6:30 flight to St. Louis. This was a follow up trip to the NF clinic and Neurosurgeon appointment to discuss multiple things along with the details of surgery. Koda has never be on a plane before tho he did get his first helicopter ride as well as mine this last summer. The security check-in process was a breeze, and quite funny to Koda because I had to take my shoes off and he didn't. He had a touch of anxiety when he had to put his weighted dog through the scanner which meant "let go" and hoped it came out the other end. He didn't have much patience with that process, but did make it through without a meltdown.

So there we sat...2 hours until boarding. What am I going to do with this child for two hours at 4:30 in the morning and no medication to be given until 8am. First, we checked out the coffee shop to be utterly disappointed in what we had ordered. I knew the Ipad had to last until we got home (assuming midnight since we were scheduled to land back home at 10:30), so I took advantage of the charging stations and allowed him to play on the Ipad while waiting. We took breaks to go to the bathroom, look around at the gift shop, and look at the planes out the window.

Then it was time to board with no incidents. He did wonder if he'd get a window seat and had hoped for one. He got it. :) He listened fully to the instructions by the attendant, by even getting out the pamphlet to read about emergency evacuations with the life boats, etc. This told me he had some concern about safety...so I reminded him of the helicopter ride and told him this would feel much different than that taking off and landing.

The take off..."whew, we're going fast. Ohhh, my stomach as we lifted off.", he said. He reminded me real quick, mom we forgot gum...we were supposed to get gum (he had been told this for his ears, but didn't know it to be fact that it was needed). This brought on a bit of anxiety, and I just said, "well, we can't turn around now". Asked him, what are you supposed to do when you are out of control in a situation and cannot do what you want? He said, "take a deep breath, be glad I have a supportive adult with me, and pray". I replied, "Perfect, and I'll pray with you". So he watched out the window as the city got smaller and smaller, he watched the wings, and questioned some of the shaking during turbulence (it was a really windy day). Overall he did fabulous. I couldn't have been more proud of him, his behavior, and attention to all that was around him.

Only what seemed like moments into the flight...we had an emergency on board. A few seats behind us a passenger had become unresponsive, as the attendant was yelling out to everyone asking for a nurse or doctor on board to come assist. I thought to myself first that ohhh no we're going to have to land, but was quickly interrupted in my thoughts by the sweetest voice beside me say, Momma...let's pray for that person right now. I nodded my head in agreement, and he proceeded with the prayer. I cried because I was proud of how quick he responded. Then, continued to cry on how disengaged I was from empathy and how self centered I was. Finally, because the words that only a confident child could say in faith.

We didn't have to make an emergency landing. When it was time to land, the pilot came on (that made Koda's face light up) to let us know that we would not be exiting the plane, but that the paramedics would be coming on to assess the passenger first. Landing gear came down, and Koda watched with amazement how the wing flaps came up to help break our speed. He said my ears do hurt, so can we please get some gum before we get back on tonight? I told him yes. The paramedics came on, assessed, then asked passengers to exit so they could get the sick passenger through the isle. The paramedics had the gentleman in a wheelchair pulled up to our seats so we stayed seated while they got him off. We told the gentleman we'd continue to pray for him, he smiled. I'm so thankful Koda got to experience a person being completely unresponsive to being responsive because then He knew he'd be okay even though he might be sick. Then we got off.

Now the anxiety hits me a bit, where's the car rentals, where's the bathroom, where's ...ohhh, thank God I don't have to go deal with luggage as we only had carry on's. We find that we have to be shuttled to the car rentals, so we get on the shuttle and go. Koda again excited to be the only ones on a shuttle bus, so he can direct the conversation with the bus driver. He takes those opportunities often as he has a lot to say (wouldn't know where he gets that from).

I had never rented a car before, so I was hoping my husband had all this lined out. Sure enough he did...and it was a NICE car. I go to plug in my phone to charge, and realize I had left the charger in my car. I didn't pack it, it was one of those last minute grabs that got thrown up on the dash. How in the heck did I forget my charger? Koda's Ipad charger doesn't work for my Android phone, so I was a bit frantic. The Ipad didn't have a internet connection so couldn't use that. See it was seriously at 3%, and I was in a town where I didn't know where anything was. I couldn't even get to the hospital if I wanted to without GPS. Where the heck is a map? Find a gas station and buy a charger, I thought. So, that's what I did. Well, it was a cheap thing that didn't work really. It couldn't keep up with the GPS on...so I hurried to find a local drug store, Best Buy, or whatever. Found Walgreens...yay, got a charger. Whew!

We are in St Louis at 8:30 with no appointments until 1pm. I gave Koda his meds and we headed to Science City. I will post all the pictures taken from the trip in an album on Simply LOLA Facebook page tomorrow. It was fun, interesting, and Koda got to build a dinosaur at the Build-A-Bear workshop, in-which he named Ripper. All was good. We headed to the hospital and with the first appointment being much of a disappointment; I needed to take a break and chill. So I took Koda to the center lobby of the hospital while between appointments, and let him play while I read.

Second appointment was worse, and this was with the neurosurgeon. He walked in, said "I'm not sure why you're here...I don't have anything for you. I'm glad you had another appointment." Ohhh wait a minute, no we're here to discuss the surgery. I have questions. I know what the plan is. His body language told me quickly while he was looking at his pager while stating he was on call; that he was going to leave the room with us discussing nothing. I said, but what about the dural ectasia, which plan are we going to finalize, and for goodness sake no one has showed me any images. He then quickly became the man I met the first time. Compassion set it, he grabs the computer, and says "here let's look at them". He showed me what the dural ectasia had done. :( What can be done about this, he looked at me and said, "nothing can be done". We don't understand it, we don't know why it happens, all we know is it is uncommon but has a history of showing up in NF patients.

He allowed Koda to take some pictures of the "scary/horror faces" from the MRI scans which will also be included in the album posted to FB. We did decide that plan C which is the final out of 3 different plans would be what we'd go with. This plan includes ordering the implant to perfectly fit the hole. The implant will be attached with a dissolvable screws/joints that will take about a year to completely dissolve. This is so there is nothing to affect with future MRI scans. Koda already has an adult size head, so we're hoping this implant will be able to stay with him. It is possible that Koda's head could continue to grow leaving the implant as a floater, which would cause for another surgery to replace. I still left this appointment very unhappy.

And the rest of the story...

(Part 2 coming tomorrow)

The impossible...

has happened! The journey of 2016 has not been all I would wish for our lives, but good things definitely happened. I promise great news is at the end of this post, but let me reflect on what really went on; so that I may never forget what God has brought us through. The end of the year pushed me over the edge, and so I took a break from social media for the last week of the year to replenish. At first I thought that week went way too fast, but in another way I was wishing it to be over. We all lost a lot of people, pets, and things this last year. I realized in this time to myself that "Replenish" should be on the daily calendar, not to be utilized when someone has already been depleted to even enjoy such a time. What should be of a help today is taking weeks maybe months to recover.

So as I looked over the photos that have been uploaded this last year...I had a moment that touched my heart like no other; we really did have a good year. Let me share some of those great times in 2016.

1. Koda graduated all therapies
2. I got to meet and become friends with some fabulous people during my time working at Heartspring.
3. We traveled many states, had a great time finally meeting our "NF twin" family whom let us crash at their place while on the journey to our daughter and her husband's home in Ft. Bragg, North Carolina.
4. I got to see my first lighthouse while visiting my daughter. We got to swim in the Atlantic Ocean, and visit several military/veteran events/parks.
5. Koda got his FM receivers for the Auditory Processing Disorder...wow, what a difference.
6. Got to go to a bridal expo with our youngest daughter whom is getting married in May. Being involved in the wedding planning is so fun.
7. Went to Branson, MO for a vacation where we went to see Moses at the Light & Sound Theatre and have dinner with the going to be our youngest daughter's in-laws. Koda got to experience go-cart racing with dad against soon to be brother in law, Sam. That was fun!
8. Hubby surprised me with a birthday gift I'll never forget while in Branson...my first helicopter ride. That while so scary was so positively life changing for me in regards to facing fears.
9. We had to move...and while that was horrid while in the moments of it; God came thru. I've blogged that 30 day journey "when God moves you".
10. Koda has got to experience having neighborhood kids to play with.
11. We had several visits from the girls. Now that is when my heart is full.
12. My husband has had full time work plus overtime to support our family while it has been clear at least for now; I'll continue to work from home.
13. Koda has got to experience suiting up and being placed in an actual go-kart. Dang short legs kept him from experiencing driving the actual kart on the track.
14. Koda also has developed and enjoyed his first experience of bowling in a league.
15. We had a roller coaster of a year with learning a new eating lifestyle of all organic, no-gmo's, grassfed, cage free, free range, clean, juicing, fresh, straight from the farm buying and garden growing food. So thankful for a job that I can work from home, that supplies us with seasonal blends, receipes, oils to have easy meals at home every single day. I love Wildtree!!

I'm sure I've left many more out, but the greatest of these are the love and support of friends, family, acquaintances, and even strangers through our most difficult of times. Thank you to each and every single one of you who make life easier to endure when seasons can be so trying, unbearable, and down right mean. May 2017 bring health, love, happiness, provisions, favor, peace and daily moments to replenish. Love you!!

So....God has done yet again what seemed impossible! We got the approval from the bankruptcy court trustee to purchase the house! We got the house!!!! Happy New Year!

Isolated in grief...while everyone else is living...

...do you not notice, I'm dying here in grief. I'm broken and I'm lost! No I don't want to talk, no I don't want to get out of bed, no I can't sleep with the reels of my loved one running through my head. I can't stop the flashbacks of what happened; and why would I want to go to sleep just to be reliving that horrific dreadful moment. How am I to go on? Why if God is good, did this happen to me? I'm so mad at God! My heart is broken, my thoughts are stuck, and now I'm just numb. I've cried to the point I can't cry anymore. It's someone's fault and they must pay! I'm mad at the person who left me behind, alone, and to deal with all the people that were part of our lives! I don't care if God wanted another angel or if this was part of his plan...what about me? The thoughts go on and on...and before this horrific event; one would've never thought such things. You probably haven't either unless you have been dealt such cards. But this is no game; it's the reality of grief. Who can get back to life as it was...that person isn't there?

Yes and it will never be the same. You will travel through many firsts the first year. You will go through all the steps of grief, and it's not a road any of us want to endure. And you'll travel that journey whether you want to or not. When everyone goes back to their lives as it always has been for them; you will still be at this place doing without the one you love. Every emotion that is possible you will encounter when it's not expected and in those please know, you are not alone. People will say things that will strike you in a wrong way, and remember they are only trying to help & console the best they can without any experience in such a journey. There's no time frame for healing, grief, or acceptance...and you may even question or quit your faith. It's all ok. Keep sharing your life, reaching out; with the pictures, the journey, and the love that you two shared...there's many of us that need to be reminded; life is short. You are loved and I'm so sorry that you have to endure this journey so soon. 

This last paragraph was a comment I left on social media for a family member whom just lost her husband within the week. Death stings the people left behind and sometimes it's as if it's an deathly allergic reaction; consuming the mind, body, and soul...to the point they actually die, feel like they are going to, or want to.

These rollercoaster feelings (that some just work so hard not to feel) exacerbate when we must journey through such grief. We don't get to choose when this happens, and in this we will never have control. I have found that these very steps also are gone through in all types of grief though maybe not to the intense degree. Not just death but divorce, broken relationships of any degree, childhood trauma, failure of expectations whether self or another, a diagnosis of a child that changes your entire world, a health diagnosis for self, and it goes on and on. 

We must be thoughtful with our words to those going thru such...sometimes a hug or a card stating thinking about you is much more heart touching than anything you can actually say. Most of the time they cannot hear you anyway because the grief is so LOUD.You may be a light in this world but to them there is dark, thick storm clouds between you and them; they can't see it.They may not answer the text, door, FB post, etc because they just can't; don't take that personally...it's not you.  You can ask, what's the best way to help...but really most can't answer that because they have no idea. The only thing that would really help is having their loved one back. 

This is dedicated to my grieving friend, family member, and sister in Christ...Linda Spalding Kirchoff. May each and everyday you never forget how much you are loved and impacting the world with your story. At this time, you may not care to share but in time there will be a place and persons in which you will be the only one that can help them feel "known and not alone". Your marriage to Mike was a beautiful one that cultivated amazing children that also impact others that many never get to experience at the level you did...so thank you for showing all of us what an example of "fun and in love" looks like. I'm so sorry it was cut off short. Much love!

4 steps to NO MORE FOOD/SWEET Cravings (Step 4)

I'll apologize right now for being so late in posting step 4. I had to be sure that this was the step I could stand on and had experienced in changing our new way of life. I'm assured now! After experiencing two full weekends away from home and one was on us at the last minute with no time to prepare; I can officially say step 4 is Give Yourself a Break!

Good grief son, where is your other shoe while dad is yelling from the garage do you have everything ready to load? Uhh do you think I thought about grabbing food? No! So while last minute things happen in our lives it is imperative to have planned organic snacks such as mixed nuts, fruit, frozen cold pressed juice, protein/fiber balls, salads on hand at all times. Grab it and throw it in a cooler, lunch bag whatever. There is going to be a curve ball thrown at some point. I have never been so sure of this change now that I didn't have a plan. What an amazing learning experience and confirmation that #foodmatters and I was #hungryforchange. (click on links for awesome documentaries, recipes, and so much more; no I'm not being paid to advertise for them!)

Out the door we went, and we all ate horrible...back to the original processed foods, restaurants, etc to meet the demands of our stomach. Sure we could've stopped and got the better choices from a store, but we were so limited on time & funds that made it not possible. We had to eat CHEAP...but we didn't fall for McDonalds whoot whoot!! See I'm using an excuse...what I thought was cheap; now we're dealing with abdominal cramping, digestive issues, gained weight, and the lil' guy's behaviors are off the chart gain. Those side effects don't come cheap either...I''m a failure was the first thought! No I'm not...we fell off the track and now we have to get back on. It is very clear to me and this experience is a confirmation that nutrition, food types and choices make all the difference in the world.

So if you have fallen off track or maybe even derailed and felt like you've been left there to rust away; I've got good news...tomorrow is another day. Dust yourself off, pick yourself back up, and change your choices. Thankfully we've made it back home (very very broke by the way) and managed to have just $30 to go to the store. If you buy organic food...you know $30 isn't going to get much and we've got a week to live before payday. (Do I want to admit this, no...hell no! But I found that in my transparency other's gain. For that, I in my embarrassment will be humbled enough to say it can still be done)

So the scoop, we had either in freezer or pantry; 4 lbs of grass fed hamburger, a 2lb bag of organic pinto beans, a few apples, a tomato, left over gluten free birthday cake, 3 jars of half used and different kinds of salsa, a onion, rib bones, a pkg of quinoa and Kale, head of lettuce, cornbread mix,
and a grass fed beef heart.

We went to Aldi's this morning with our $30 and bought:Yes all organic, etc...

a. peanut butter
b. 2 pkg sliced ham
c. loaf of bread (Did you know that sourdough bread doesn't have added sugar...just a note)
d. 2 boxes of spaghetti
e. 2 jars of spaghetti sauce
f. Shredded grass fed cheese
g. 2 cans of refried beans
h. 2 pkg Basil and Tomato chicken sausage
i. 1 bag of blue tortilla chips


Mind you that's all we have...meals will be

Tonight:Taco Salad (put the rib bones in and roasted this morning and then on into the crockpot to make bone broth...cooks for 48 hours. Then took out the beef heart to thaw and marinate for 24 hours)

Tuesday: Beef heart with side of quinoa and kale

Wednesday: Spaghetti with basil and tomato chicken sausage

Thursday:Beans cooked in bone broth and cornbread

Friday: Pay day baby!! With two pounds of hamburger left over!

Sweet! Now I'll admit even with organic this is not the best of our meals nutritionally, but it's sure better than that restaurant and gas station food. I only shared this last info to prove that you can eat better even on a tight budget. Can't wait for whole fruit and veggies back in the fridge this weekend
....and more so for the garden to start producing. I hope and pray this helps somebody!

Give yourself a break...tomorrow is another day to dust off and do the best you can! Hugs!!

Confessions of Jealousy/Envy

Eww! Who wants to go there, though we all have at times? I’ve been yet again convicted to write because I am a writer, but (there’s that procrastination word and one that in my book reasons quietly under “failure”) I’ll never have what it takes or even have a listening ear that is impacted, a reader interested enough to read it, no one follows my kind of topics, I’ll never be paid to do it; so why do it? So, what brings up this discussion?

I downloaded an app recently that was suggested by the She Speaks Conference 2015 called First 5. This conference is something that I’ve longed to be a part of or at least go to; hoping to learn what it takes to be “successful” (that word is distorted in my perception of what it really looks like…different for each person I’m assured, but being paid to do it would be the ultimate favor of God). I could never go because I truly cannot afford to go in my current financial place. I have a special needs son that I couldn’t find care for him long enough to attend. All these excuses and the word never can really bring someone down. Can I ever be okay with never getting to attend? Jealousy sets in for those who get to go; and even more if it’s someone I know. :( Pitiful, I can’t celebrate with them due to my own selfishness and pride. 

By downloading this app; I decided I’d actually check out what it had to offer.

Honestly, the reason behind me seeking today’s devotion and what it had to offer was because I have felt a nudge yet again to write; and more confirmations have followed that nudge. I was seeking would God give me a yet another confirmation today through the app? Ohhh did He! Not only confirmation did I get, along came a greater conviction; I pray it brings healing.

Today’s 5 minutes with God is going to take way more than 5 minutes; it’s titled, Wanting What You Have. A lovely quote tops off the page, “Contentment is the key to experiencing success” by Wendy Pope. I almost didn’t read it because its first appearance had nothing to do with me writing. I was so wrong. It had everything to do with my not writing. It’s the very reason I get stuck and then quit. The little but loud phrases that enter my ear stating; I can’t, No one cares, No one will read it or be impacted, You can’t afford to self publish and no publisher is ever going to take you on, your grammar and language skills are not up to par, blah, blah, blah. Who wants that yelling in their ear; not me, so I quit.

After reading the devotion and digging deeper, I found myself processing the “My Moment” question…”Is there someone whose success you envy? How can you begin to celebrate them today?” Then it has a place for you to respond and keep your ideas, thoughts, answers, notes called “My Moments”. My response to that was this, I copied the verse 1 Timothy 6:6-8 (NIV); 6 But godliness with contentment is great gain. 7 For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. 8 But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.

Envy/jealously has caused me to get stuck and quit especially if others’ success topic is in the same realm of mine (writing, speaking, and women’s ministry). Is there someone, you ask? There’s too many! I know the perception is off because there’s only one me and one of them. We’re all given separate gifts, talents, callings in life to build on and share the encouragement of Christ and all He has to offer. We are to share so we too can be known and to know each other, making a way so we can acknowledge we’re not alone.

I can begin celebrating by first confessing this sin to God, then to someone else so that I may be healed. God help me. I can’t move into what you have in store for me, and now I see clearly why I’ve been stuck. Who knows, my beginnings just might be writing about the celebrations of others? Ohhh that last sentence is deep and hard but came out on paper quicker than I can process it in my head. Yikes! God is good and he has a plan for each of us; including me.

So after typing all that in; a thought…I’ve gotta call one of my accountability partners, Amy Dmyterko, Founder and Speaker of Tell It Ministries and confess. Not only confessing my conviction of the day but also letting her know that she was also one of those that I envied. Yuck! I hated to say it but I knew I had too. So I celebrate her today; you’ll not find another that will make your belly hurt with laughter pains, impact you for a lifetime, and make you jealous. A beautiful woman inside and out; and guess what she makes mistakes too just like us. She’s a woman after Christ and willing to tell it like it is. Kudo’s to you Amy; I’m so happy for where you’ve come, been, gone, but more excited about where God is taking your ministry and you personally. Hugs girl!!

As my story unfolds…May you be encouraged, impacted, or if nothing else entertained by my transparency in the trips, falls, and pit dwellings (ohh wait, and my success’) on my journey of life. I am a writer  (for that very statement I have to give credit to someone who doesn't know me but has been a part of this initial recent convictions to get back to writing due to his email in regards to stating my identity. Thanks Jeff Goins for your encouragement). 

So, with that I will be content because I have food and clothing. :)

 

Disclosure: As always I do have my own dictionary; meaning I make up words, spell them however I like and that’s ok. Forgive my errors for I am just a human no less or better than you. Be Blessed and be thankful you don't have to be one of those whom have to listen to my dictionary of words. Pray for my husband and kids!

Fear Failed

Who knows what will happen but today...today I am free from the worry of what tomorrow might be or look like or even feel like. I am writing today because it is my way to escape when the weather is blistering cold and I can't get out among the trees, the water, and the breathe life that God has so graciously allowed me to have daily. Whom am I and what is my family that you have brought me this far... 2 Samuel 7:18. I'm honestly in awe of the deliverance in so many areas, but today I am free...free of fear. I'm not saying it will never come again, shoot that wouldn't be reality but in this moment there is peace. Honestly a bit of excitement instead of anxiety is building as I'm facing one of the biggest fears ever in my life directly in it's face. I am stepping out into something one professional told me I couldn't.

There have been many opportunities to do this very thing, but the fear was as if chains after chains with wenches were holding me back. It was fake....it was when I was young, impressionable, and naive that the words "you can't do that" stuck. Then many other relationships, words, and journeys in my life piled on top of that confirmation of  "you can't...you're a failure so don't risk it". I've even recently been given the words from a dear Christian friend whom thought they were being supportive add to this failure thoughts by stating I wasn't trusting God. Fail! The enemy will get your focus off your designed purpose however he can. I was given a what I call a natural gift, and I am now going to step out of fear into "in spite of it". I do mean when I say "I" only by God can I do anything. God gets all the glory.

There's a book to be written behind these 10 fingers just in this one story alone. And no, not right now, I'm not saying what I'm doing...just know that I really went from paralysis into letting my Creator carry me through. His Will will get done no-matter what we fear. :) So for the last several weeks these are just some of the spontaneous things, words, requests, texts, and pictures that have come across my lap personally to confirm my direction is now: step out and change fear to faith with freedom...

I also then received a video link sent to my email...

I'm not listening either :)

So, I realized I'm a dreamer...and my fears came from thinking about failing what could be the end result. But see, I have to stop. Be still in the moment to find what today has for me. I've wasted many days worrying about a tomorrow that isn't promised to me. If I try today, and die tomorrow then I have succeeded because failure wasn't in the "trying it"...failure would be in doing nothing.

Circus animals are trained from the time of infants by chains holding onto their legs. This gives them a boundary in which they come to realize they cannot pass over. So when the elephant then becomes big...it doesn't know that the trainers have unlatched it from the anchor, so this large animal still thinks its being held back and doesn't even try to go past it's boundary. Even though, this monstrous powerhouse could have pulled it's weight and won against such an anchor for a very long time...it's perception and mind has been tricked into thinking it couldn't. Well, I'm a monstrous powerhouse that God has freed for His Glory. I thought I was still stuck, chained, and locked away from being what was already naturally mine to share.

Can't wait to share my destiny. If you're in my personal life then you're part of the story too...how fun!