Thursday Thoughts

Today I'm thankful for my  inquisitive mind. Tho it seems to never shut down and can be slow at processing, I'm able to read, write, research, study, compare, count the cost and process. I am watching many just follow whatever sounds good, looks good, feels good. Apparently the pain is great and abroad, which explains so many religions, denominations, opinions, and lifestyles. What's everybody looking for or trying to fill that one can't actually think or figure out for themselves? Not enough time? See these are my thoughts, not for you to reply. I don't need answers, I know what I think. I just wonder how many really think or even evaluate why you do what you do or think what you think or believe what you believe? Did someone teach you that? Show you that? Just say it's what you should do? I'm just a curious cat today.

Father or the Father's Stuff?

Today, I sit in wonder and awe of my heavenly Father. After being in this world for 40 years, I have heard a truth today that one should probably hear before deciding to accept and believe in the free gift of salvation, by Jesus Christ alone.

The message is on the story of the prodigal son, but titled the prodigal father. What are the things I hold to a higher standard than my love for God himself? What is the one thing I close my fist on and say "no" this one is mine & I won't and can't give up. Where is my affection? Do I love the Father or the Father's stuff. In complete humiliation and confession, I feel as if I have been hit with a Mack Truck of reality/truth. I have chosen "the stuff" over the actual Father.

I have lied to keep my "stuff", and I have made my stuff considerable a called "blessing" to give an excuse/validation as to having it or wanting it. I was raised this way, with no blame here. I was given stuff as a sign of love. God is love, right? So, I thought in my small mindedness and the believing the lies of the enemy that the stuff was God's love being lavished on me. Now with that said, don't get me wrong, the stuff is the Father's and he does bless us with such things...it's where is my affection, motivation, reasoning behind. Can I accept not driving/going after/consuming the stuff to feel the love of the Father? Can I just love Him?

This particular question is one I am going to have to process. Again, after being hit with a truck...there's some recovery time. God, grant me more truth, more conviction, more correction so that I can know "YOU" better and not just for the pure fact of more "blessings". You have blessed me in an abundance, you have given me a great life to testify of your love, strength, and reality of your Spirit within. May I share that. May that be my drive, to share the wonders of you. May I receive a glorious high of being with you, sharing you, and just being yours. May not another earthly thing fill my desires...may all I want is you. Block my hears from the enemy's fire, stop my feet from walking the paths of desiring small gods, shut my mouth from protecting the desires to lie to get things. Set my heart on fire for your love and presence alone.

I have not known love, I don't know how love works without stuff. Your Spirit must change my mind and heart. I cannot do this alone. Please Father, all I want is to be loved and to be Fathered by one that doesn't want something from me. I have always been a fulfiller of needs for another, especially men. Isn't that what I was created to do; be a fulfiller?

Terrific Telephone Tuesday

It was that for me today. There were calls that had to be made such as dealing with insurance companies and pharmacies, there were auto insurance policy change calls, there were medicine isn't working what are you going to do dr? calls, there were missed calls, there were well Koda has more attendant hours this month so how many would you like this week calls, there was a call from the teacher that said "uhmmm is something going on with Koda's meds because he can't function" calls, there was a call into DCF to leave a message for an application for elderly medical assistant calls, there was return phone calls to be made, there was a very special connecting and building new relationship call. Then there are the calls I'm not returning because I have to get some other things done today. Yikes...if you're reading this and you didn't get a return call; forgive me!

Priorities are relationships and the first one would be my marriage, so I need to finish my helpmate chores. :)

Blessings to you all & Have a terrific Tuesday

Merciful Monday

Well...I made it through. I didn't crack, but I'll be honest I have no idea how ( I know it was only by God's strength). I am in awe today of the trial of temptation that went on, and have had a few thoughts but no cravings since yesterday. I think my husband affirming the decision to either do it or shut up...was probably a big one. No he didn't say those exact words but it was to the point. For this day I have succeeded. For that I know I have been shown mercy. Thank you to all who realize how big of a deal this really was. I am now on to new adventures and steps in my story.

Concluded for today...I'm gonna choose to love my life while in the valley. :)

You'll get through what you're going through too if you know whom to trust in. (hint: not yourself)

And yet another confirmation just so happens to be in my verse of the day:

Monday 10/28/2013 "Lord, help!" they cried in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He calmed the storm to a whisper and stilled the waves. ~ Psalm 107:28-29, NLT

Smoking Temptation beyond human strength in the Valley

Thank God, I have went through enough recovery, counseling, and support groups that I know...I NEED people to support me through times of trouble. I am strong enough in the Lord to say I am weak. I've been really weak for a long time but didn't realize it until given this time in the Valley. When I say valley...I'm literal. We just moved to Valley Center, KS the first part of August.

This isn't the time to go through all that has went on (that's part of the whole story to be written some day...if only in my journals), but I will say today was the end of the rope. I quit smoking in July 2010. I was so excited to have quit. I could smell, taste, and especially breathe like never before. (ohhh, there I go; I need to remember why it was so wonderful to quit) I have been battling the temptation for a cigarette for quite a while probably since late Spring on a consistent basis.

Since we moved to Valley...the emotions of leaving all that was "known" of me, by me, and all about me pretty much went into a hibernation/isolation period. I was faking my functions...only getting by doing the necessary things to survive. Then, someone gave me a phrase "thriving not surviving" which struck a cord in the back of my mind so I hung on to it; not knowing where it was going to take me. Guess what, I don't know who I really am or want to be when I grow up outside of being Koda's advocate, a mom, and wife. I have forgotten all my dreams, drives, and the determinations that I had in history before they got thrown to the way side some time ago. Actually I don't know that I had my own dreams or drives but other peoples whom I either wanted to impress, accept  me, or just plain love me. Love drives a person into the unknown sometimes but crazy behaviors to be satisfied. (Again, a whole bunch more stories not for today).

To break it all down, I'm craving a cigarette like no other today. I drove by 20 gas stations throughout my time running errands today; assured I would pull off at the next one to buy a pack. I honestly couldn't do it...I couldn't physically do it; something else would distract me to look another way, I'd need to go into another lane so I could pass, or the final one was; I needed to stop at the store to get some chips so that took me down another street instead of the exit I would have took next. Apparently it was something stronger than me that got me by, so here's where I give God all the glory. In my weakness, He is strong.

Now how funny, but my verse of the day was this:

Friday 10/25/2013 God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. ~ 1 Corinthians 10:13, NLT I was literally yelling at God that He was not fair! I really felt as if I couldn't bear this temptation any longer...it's exactly 5:00pm and so far I didn't buy one. I knew enough to at least text out that I was in distress today; thankful for so many. Some supports were encouraging by agreeing, sarcasm, serious "NO", some were willing to come over until I got through it (LOL, I laughed and said, "well, you'll just have to move in then because this temptation goes on daily), then I had one call me. That one phone call made me realize that I've been walking around most of my life with the fear of success. I thought it was the fear of rejection and more failure; which, yes I do tend to withdraw from things if I think that could happen. But the reality is, the fear of success outweighs the other fears. Can I say this doesn't "feel" too good to admit, but it's eye opening! It has me stepping out to admit that I do have fears and I'm no longer going to deny it. I have great supports whether they are right here with me or off in a distance. To finish this day all off, I will admit I don't know if I'll pick up another cigarette or not. If I do, I am no less of a person that is loved by many. I am not any less loved by God either. Now that my friends, is one thing that a lot of people don't know. With that I'm successful. Thank you to each one that is part of this story today; you know who you are!! God thought it was funny that he should send the FedEx man to deliver a package to me after this acknowledgement of fear. In the package...came a book; You'll Get Through This by Max Lucado. For those of you who know my story about "new life"...that picture on the front of the book says it all to me. God cares for "me" and he is watching and knows everything about me enough to put a cover on a book just for me. New Life in the Valley. Have a great weekend!

Whata Wednesday

Alzheimer's, ADHD, Asperger's, and life...how is one suppose to do the "right" thing?

Fickle Feelings Friday

On a journey of emotions...when I was given the word "prepare" at the end of 2012 then again on the first day of the year "new";both from Scriptures; I didn't know how much I was really going to have to prepare for. Now just a bit of a list that would state some of the obvious new and in need of preparation; would be...

1. How to handle a major school district's multiple irresponsible actions
2. Deciding on a new study for the women's group to not only build relationships by communication but also sound biblical doctrine for maturity/growth.
3. Studying the story of Gideon (sometimes you really must look at each word and ask God what it means for you :) Quite the discovery of who you are in Him and the power of prayer).
4. Deciding to take a new job
5. Deciding to move/where to move and all the financial stuff that goes with that.
6. Trusting God in it all
7. Deciding to home school or return to a traditional classroom
8. Deciding on pet placements
9. Deciding on attitudes (now can I just say this is a daily, minute by minute prep and choice), I'd rather make it easy; blame and remove myself from the situation.
10. Deciding that some things really are out of my control and until I really am suppose to do something about it; enjoying my life.
11. Allowing time to honestly grieve, but then to have the courage to trust God that He has great plans for me.

Isa. 43:18-19 says, "Do not call the mind the former things, or ponder things of the past. Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert."

Isa. 38:12 says, "Like a shepherd's tent my dwelling is pulled up and removed from me."

Jer. 29:11 says, "For I know the plans that I have for you...to give you a future and a hope."

Deut. 31:8 says, "The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you, He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

For each of the seasons' in which I have changed either location, position, etc I have learned from each of them a fabulous skill, acquired a tool, made a lasting relationship, or learned a "big" lesson. So, I cannot be upset for when it seems that I have walked 5 steps and fell back 3...I still have "GAINED" 2 steps.

Today's fickle feelings are my reality for only a moment to be gone with tomorrow's storm; choosing to set it aside so I can smell the roses that are in bloom today.

Blessings!!!

Twisted Tuesday

I'm just not sure how in a moment a life can change so dramatically. Mine is under a bit of chaos all by one phone call. I can't go into details now, but I pray that some clarity and peace that surpasses all understanding becomes an atmosphere for our family soon.

Monday Mounds

The laundry is in mounds but at least separated. Now that our home school day is done and I'm feeling successful today; on to the house work. The hubby texts and states I need to go get him some meds because he isn't feeling so good. :( Sore throat, cough...yuck; we don't need that right now especially when it's summer and no insurance until the new benefits start in December. We had a confirmation that we will be traveling to El Dorado for church every Sunday...I am asking God for clarification on that. I always do unfortunately I don't just "trust" anything/one. I do know one thing when my husband tells me to write out the tithe check when we're in the middle of service, there's something very spiritual going on with him and God; and that I do trust. :) I love being married to a man whom tries so hard to let God lead in every area. For that I am giving mounds of thanks. Blessings!!

Fantastic Friday

After a move to a new place in a new town, and waiting anxiously for that first paycheck...the day has arrived. Going from a weekly budget to a new bi-weekly one is going to not only take a bit of time to adjust too; it will, challenge us to save it for more than 7 days. :) Yeah, no one ever said we were financial experts, but I've learned one fantastic thing...God always always always provides when we are faithful to put Him first including with our finances.

The hubby just text me with the amount he's depositing today...and WOW; is all I can say! :D Thank you God for always being faithful, and Thank you for allowing my husband to desire a wife whom stays home to put her God and family first. Today home school was a much better day...I'm looking forward to the rest of what God does for us today; stop and smell the flowers today :D

Home school works best too if the first subject of the day is God. Have a Fantastic Friday!

Thriving Thursday

...I wish that was really the truth. It should say Truth Thursday as the title. I only wondered about "starting" a blog on Wednesday...sorry :(

With that said we tackled the first day of home school today, but without all the curriculum, well; failed. Koda doesn't realize it was a "non-successful" day at school. So, have I again really gotten myself in too deep? When I printed out the lesson (because I'm still one of those that must have a book in hand and the ability to write and highlight), I about died at the length of only one lesson. I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!

I'm sure my tone, emotions, and thoughts will change around; but, when???? Soon, I hope. For those of you whom believe in the power of prayer...I need them NOW!!! Happy Days!

Trusting Tuesday

First Day of Trusting definitely was in my mind today as we started home school today. We made a trip to Andover eCademy (yes, spelling is correct) to get orientation on the technological stuff and let Koda get in some socializing with other home schooled students. Their theme today was the awesome Caribbean: they made flip flops, passports, and sea life. Koda was a jelly fish. I also attended a funeral for a dear friend's mother whom passed away this week. I must say this home school thing is not something new for us, but it's been a year; and I have to trust God that He will help all of us through. :)

Merciful Monday

Well, not sure what has happened re: losing time blogging but I'm blessed by God whom is full of Mercy. I'm back. Boy, do I have some catching up to do. If you don't already know, I've got a magnificent story of direction, grace, and about the study of Gideon. Please stay tuned; while I get back into the swing of things. I'm in a new location, new house, new neighborhood, new mindset, new occupation, and a new hope as I'm looking for a new church.

~Live Out Loud Authentically

Lightening flash gone 2012

Well that's exactly what happened to this girl; I wrote the blog for '11 and then in a flash '12 was gone & '13 is here...ohhh and '13 comes in with a big ol' bang! Bring on the word "Prepare". This is a word only I can understand at this point. I'm thanking God it was a word given to me before the year ended so I was already preparing for anything to come. Stand firm with full armor on with only the strength of something stonger than me though is only that will get me through regardless if it's going to be all positive or negative.

This I will say...broken as I have been...I've been mended. Perfectly done...nope, and I've found that there is value in the the things that aren't so perfect looking or beautifully illustrated by the painter's hand. Art, Value, is each our own descriptive perception of it. One man's trash is another man's treasure...and that is fact my friend.