Thank God, I have went through enough recovery, counseling, and support groups that I know...I NEED people to support me through times of trouble. I am strong enough in the Lord to say I am weak. I've been really weak for a long time but didn't realize it until given this time in the Valley. When I say valley...I'm literal. We just moved to Valley Center, KS the first part of August.
This isn't the time to go through all that has went on (that's part of the whole story to be written some day...if only in my journals), but I will say today was the end of the rope. I quit smoking in July 2010. I was so excited to have quit. I could smell, taste, and especially breathe like never before. (ohhh, there I go; I need to remember why it was so wonderful to quit) I have been battling the temptation for a cigarette for quite a while probably since late Spring on a consistent basis.
Since we moved to Valley...the emotions of leaving all that was "known" of me, by me, and all about me pretty much went into a hibernation/isolation period. I was faking my functions...only getting by doing the necessary things to survive. Then, someone gave me a phrase "thriving not surviving" which struck a cord in the back of my mind so I hung on to it; not knowing where it was going to take me. Guess what, I don't know who I really am or want to be when I grow up outside of being Koda's advocate, a mom, and wife. I have forgotten all my dreams, drives, and the determinations that I had in history before they got thrown to the way side some time ago. Actually I don't know that I had my own dreams or drives but other peoples whom I either wanted to impress, accept me, or just plain love me. Love drives a person into the unknown sometimes but crazy behaviors to be satisfied. (Again, a whole bunch more stories not for today).
To break it all down, I'm craving a cigarette like no other today. I drove by 20 gas stations throughout my time running errands today; assured I would pull off at the next one to buy a pack. I honestly couldn't do it...I couldn't physically do it; something else would distract me to look another way, I'd need to go into another lane so I could pass, or the final one was; I needed to stop at the store to get some chips so that took me down another street instead of the exit I would have took next. Apparently it was something stronger than me that got me by, so here's where I give God all the glory. In my weakness, He is strong.
Now how funny, but my verse of the day was this:
Friday 10/25/2013
God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.
~ 1 Corinthians 10:13, NLT
I was literally yelling at God that He was not fair! I really felt as if I couldn't bear this temptation any longer...it's exactly 5:00pm and so far I didn't buy one.
I knew enough to at least text out that I was in distress today; thankful for so many. Some supports were encouraging by agreeing, sarcasm, serious "NO", some were willing to come over until I got through it (LOL, I laughed and said, "well, you'll just have to move in then because this temptation goes on daily), then I had one call me. That one phone call made me realize that I've been walking around most of my life with the fear of success. I thought it was the fear of rejection and more failure; which, yes I do tend to withdraw from things if I think that could happen. But the reality is, the fear of success outweighs the other fears.
Can I say this doesn't "feel" too good to admit, but it's eye opening! It has me stepping out to admit that I do have fears and I'm no longer going to deny it. I have great supports whether they are right here with me or off in a distance. To finish this day all off, I will admit I don't know if I'll pick up another cigarette or not. If I do, I am no less of a person that is loved by many. I am not any less loved by God either. Now that my friends, is one thing that a lot of people don't know. With that I'm successful. Thank you to each one that is part of this story today; you know who you are!!
God thought it was funny that he should send the FedEx man to deliver a package to me after this acknowledgement of fear. In the package...came a book; You'll Get Through This by Max Lucado. For those of you who know my story about "new life"...that picture on the front of the book says it all to me.
God cares for "me" and he is watching and knows everything about me enough to put a cover on a book just for me. New Life in the Valley. Have a great weekend!
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