Isolated in grief...while everyone else is living...

...do you not notice, I'm dying here in grief. I'm broken and I'm lost! No I don't want to talk, no I don't want to get out of bed, no I can't sleep with the reels of my loved one running through my head. I can't stop the flashbacks of what happened; and why would I want to go to sleep just to be reliving that horrific dreadful moment. How am I to go on? Why if God is good, did this happen to me? I'm so mad at God! My heart is broken, my thoughts are stuck, and now I'm just numb. I've cried to the point I can't cry anymore. It's someone's fault and they must pay! I'm mad at the person who left me behind, alone, and to deal with all the people that were part of our lives! I don't care if God wanted another angel or if this was part of his plan...what about me? The thoughts go on and on...and before this horrific event; one would've never thought such things. You probably haven't either unless you have been dealt such cards. But this is no game; it's the reality of grief. Who can get back to life as it was...that person isn't there?

Yes and it will never be the same. You will travel through many firsts the first year. You will go through all the steps of grief, and it's not a road any of us want to endure. And you'll travel that journey whether you want to or not. When everyone goes back to their lives as it always has been for them; you will still be at this place doing without the one you love. Every emotion that is possible you will encounter when it's not expected and in those please know, you are not alone. People will say things that will strike you in a wrong way, and remember they are only trying to help & console the best they can without any experience in such a journey. There's no time frame for healing, grief, or acceptance...and you may even question or quit your faith. It's all ok. Keep sharing your life, reaching out; with the pictures, the journey, and the love that you two shared...there's many of us that need to be reminded; life is short. You are loved and I'm so sorry that you have to endure this journey so soon. 

This last paragraph was a comment I left on social media for a family member whom just lost her husband within the week. Death stings the people left behind and sometimes it's as if it's an deathly allergic reaction; consuming the mind, body, and soul...to the point they actually die, feel like they are going to, or want to.

These rollercoaster feelings (that some just work so hard not to feel) exacerbate when we must journey through such grief. We don't get to choose when this happens, and in this we will never have control. I have found that these very steps also are gone through in all types of grief though maybe not to the intense degree. Not just death but divorce, broken relationships of any degree, childhood trauma, failure of expectations whether self or another, a diagnosis of a child that changes your entire world, a health diagnosis for self, and it goes on and on. 

We must be thoughtful with our words to those going thru such...sometimes a hug or a card stating thinking about you is much more heart touching than anything you can actually say. Most of the time they cannot hear you anyway because the grief is so LOUD.You may be a light in this world but to them there is dark, thick storm clouds between you and them; they can't see it.They may not answer the text, door, FB post, etc because they just can't; don't take that personally...it's not you.  You can ask, what's the best way to help...but really most can't answer that because they have no idea. The only thing that would really help is having their loved one back. 

This is dedicated to my grieving friend, family member, and sister in Christ...Linda Spalding Kirchoff. May each and everyday you never forget how much you are loved and impacting the world with your story. At this time, you may not care to share but in time there will be a place and persons in which you will be the only one that can help them feel "known and not alone". Your marriage to Mike was a beautiful one that cultivated amazing children that also impact others that many never get to experience at the level you did...so thank you for showing all of us what an example of "fun and in love" looks like. I'm so sorry it was cut off short. Much love!

Reflection perceptions

This new journey for me moving to Valley Center from Kansas City has really brought an early detection of Freedom. At the end of 2012, I felt like the word "prepare" was given to me as the word of the year for '13. For those whom know me from the city, do know that '13 was a prep year for me. Our family had just finished out of a year's worth of daily chemo for Koda in Jan. '13 and a entire battle with the school system that failed the safety of Koda by him being locked out of school for over an hour, my husband's job had became a bit dysfunctional in kind words that gave us a scare, we were involved in delivering weekly back-snacks for kids whom might not have food for the weekend, my grandma whom adopted me at 14 was facing the horrors of Alzheimer's and depression (which we've now brought down to Wichita with us), we consistently took care of and prayed with a group of homeless people who lived under a bridge, we were challenged on how much we could give away and survive ourselves, we built new support groups, study groups, and challenged discipleship. We built....wait, some conviction here...we didn't do anything but listen to what we felt as if God was asking us to do and only by Him did we do anything. Ok, that's cleared up.

Rick faithfully worked with New Life Family Church's food pantry to load and unload food from Harvester's to feed the average 800 people a month. Food Pantry video (now it's over 1000) These are the public things that were called of us not to mention the "prepare" spiritually, emotionally, and the healing that happened in the quiet background of all of this that I won't share here. (this is Kudos to an awesome God we serve...if you know us personally it's miraculous that we're alive honestly)

Ok, so prepared we got which was then in preparation of a move that has a story of God's perfect details down to the house in which we live right now....now what? The word for the year of 2014 is FREEDOM for me personally, and I'm hoping my entire family and friends will see, grow, and be brought to a place of freedom themselves. What does freedom mean for me? Well it's just now the end of January, and I'll start blogging them.

Freedom of some FEARS: I've carried for a very very long time that are stories within themselves. I kid you not that would bring to a place of paralyzed, and so I will later blog about each of these fears.

Fear #1:

Finding a creative side of me...I painted for the very first time last night at Let's Paint Wichita. Which is the painting above that actually is the reason for today's blog. Reflections I found have quite the differences of perspective from each author, reader, painter, teacher, student, friend, parent, sibling, neighbor, musician, listener, cook, etc by what sense you use to determine that perspective. I know neither of the women on each side of me knew what I was thinking, feeling, or anything else at the time because really each were concerned at getting the appropriate brush, correct color, placing exactly where they were instructed to do so. I noticed that not all were listening to the instructor either just as they should have because of either they were so hyper-focused on perfection or what the girl/guy next to them were saying. 

Quite the observation I must say. Way too fun for me...I soaked up each moment, each level of anxiety, each joke and each sarcastic word said, I felt the fear, anxiety, and the tension of room...which brought me to a place of "you're not alone even among these "been doing this a long time" people". I found no one could perfect the reflection in the water no matter how hard they tried. Reflection always has a distortion to me even in the mirror...see it all goes with what else does the reflection have to share it's story? Lighting, color, clearness of the water/mirror, whatever.

My freedom from this fear is that I had a distorted reflection of my creativity. It's not that expected my paintings to be perfect or anything I create to be but that I created and this fear failed. It no longer has a hold of distortion. I can create, I will create, actually I've been shown through this that I have always been an original creator...in relationships. There's no other me...and that's creative. 

Until the next fear failed is shared...Be you, Be original, and Be!! 

This picture is from (https://www.facebook.com/HeartCenteredRebalancing)

Fear Failed

Who knows what will happen but today...today I am free from the worry of what tomorrow might be or look like or even feel like. I am writing today because it is my way to escape when the weather is blistering cold and I can't get out among the trees, the water, and the breathe life that God has so graciously allowed me to have daily. Whom am I and what is my family that you have brought me this far... 2 Samuel 7:18. I'm honestly in awe of the deliverance in so many areas, but today I am free...free of fear. I'm not saying it will never come again, shoot that wouldn't be reality but in this moment there is peace. Honestly a bit of excitement instead of anxiety is building as I'm facing one of the biggest fears ever in my life directly in it's face. I am stepping out into something one professional told me I couldn't.

There have been many opportunities to do this very thing, but the fear was as if chains after chains with wenches were holding me back. It was fake....it was when I was young, impressionable, and naive that the words "you can't do that" stuck. Then many other relationships, words, and journeys in my life piled on top of that confirmation of  "you can't...you're a failure so don't risk it". I've even recently been given the words from a dear Christian friend whom thought they were being supportive add to this failure thoughts by stating I wasn't trusting God. Fail! The enemy will get your focus off your designed purpose however he can. I was given a what I call a natural gift, and I am now going to step out of fear into "in spite of it". I do mean when I say "I" only by God can I do anything. God gets all the glory.

There's a book to be written behind these 10 fingers just in this one story alone. And no, not right now, I'm not saying what I'm doing...just know that I really went from paralysis into letting my Creator carry me through. His Will will get done no-matter what we fear. :) So for the last several weeks these are just some of the spontaneous things, words, requests, texts, and pictures that have come across my lap personally to confirm my direction is now: step out and change fear to faith with freedom...

I also then received a video link sent to my email...

I'm not listening either :)

So, I realized I'm a dreamer...and my fears came from thinking about failing what could be the end result. But see, I have to stop. Be still in the moment to find what today has for me. I've wasted many days worrying about a tomorrow that isn't promised to me. If I try today, and die tomorrow then I have succeeded because failure wasn't in the "trying it"...failure would be in doing nothing.

Circus animals are trained from the time of infants by chains holding onto their legs. This gives them a boundary in which they come to realize they cannot pass over. So when the elephant then becomes big...it doesn't know that the trainers have unlatched it from the anchor, so this large animal still thinks its being held back and doesn't even try to go past it's boundary. Even though, this monstrous powerhouse could have pulled it's weight and won against such an anchor for a very long time...it's perception and mind has been tricked into thinking it couldn't. Well, I'm a monstrous powerhouse that God has freed for His Glory. I thought I was still stuck, chained, and locked away from being what was already naturally mine to share.

Can't wait to share my destiny. If you're in my personal life then you're part of the story too...how fun! 

Different outlook on life............

............after having a child w/ Cerebral Palsy and another with NF, ADHD, RLS, and PLMD. I also believe in Karma, I thought people stating kids/adults w/ all these alphabet diseases were in some type of hypochondriac disorder themselves. Then, I was faced w/ our precious Koda...........the flying monkey, bull in a china closet, can not sit down or still for "one" moment, chaos. :) I can smile about it now, but I was rather slapped in the face that these "Alphabet diseases" are real; well real in the sense that the medical world has given a name for such behaviors. Such disorders are not fun, they take work & strong interpersonal skills to deal with such an active body. You don't really get it, becuz that's not how you are..........

I was once told by another w/ ADD that the brain is like walking into a electronics department w/ all the TV's (you know like 100 tv's on in one place) being on different channels......and you want to be involved & look at all of them; you like all of them; my mind blows trying to have two conversations let alone trying to think about, be involved in, and liking each and every one of those "actions" going on.

I've also been told, he's a boy........he's supposed to be rowdy, running, etc. Yep, he sure is; but not to the point he hurts himself & others w/o any comprehension of doing such. When he jumps on every chair in the lobby and no discipline, attention, direction works; becuz he can only think about all those things in his head at once plus getting in trouble. Its like the he is the tv, and the remote is stuck on channel up/down back/forth constantly.........and my words of direction are in there somewhere but he can't stop on it long enough to think about the consequences let alone care. I saw the results of his brain activity........well it's the best and fastest ping pong game ever and never ending.

As I posted on Facebook though, I really have decided that Koda has a diagnoses of creative energy......its ok that the medical world wants to call it ADHD, so they can have a reason to prescribe drugs to make "themselves some $$ bonuses from the pharmaceutical companies", and make our kids get to the point "the world calls normal behavior".

Its all ok, but really every bad can be used for good! I believe things happen for a reason! I'm not saying that medication, docs, pharmacies, etc are not needed; they are needed and they have their place.

Koda is medicated for his creative energy, but not w/ stimulants like most that "alter the behaviors, spirit, natural given personality of a child".

If everyone sits down & is always quite.............what a boring world this would be. I know these types of people can drive others crazy; but it's ok! Its ok to be different, and "not normal"........who decides that anyway? Who would run the marathons for fundraising efforts such as NF, Cancer, etc.  or happen to be in the right place to save someones life........without such energy. We need people who are multi-thinkers on a dime, so decisions can be made at the last minute: for example, we need to save our country? I'm not making excuses or cover-ups to make myself feel better about having a child with such issues......but I am standing up for the spirit, personality, and/or natural nature of who we are inside & most of the purpose of what we are to become.

I never heard of public school homeschooling...........or virtual public school, well I knew that to get Koda out of "the troubled child" stage at school we had to do something or his spirit would be weakened if not totally crushed by no, stop, that's not right, wrong, sit down (when he can't), because he would be considered different, slow, special ed.......it's all ok, becuz we decided to home school him this year. I couldn't afford at the time to do a Christian based home schooling due to all the costs of supplies, etc. Plus with him being in a brick & mortar preschool last year; they did set up an IEP (Individual Education Plan); so he will continue to get services (therapy, etc), thru the school district.

We are one week in, and I am smiling at the progress........I am enjoying my child! I was concerned w/ the social skills he would need; but there are a great group of leaders, seasoned moms, etc....and even new ones; ready to get our kids together often to play. Matters of fact, we have our 2nd group play date tomorrow........he has looked forward to it all week & worked hard! I have more energy......wow it takes a lot to get a long drawn out boring story to be interesting to a boy that could care less; but we act out our books.......pics will be posted soon. Truly enjoying my relationship as his learning coach, and allowing him to be just what he is supposed to be.............FULL of LIFE!

A different outlook on life.............You have a purpose ......I'm positive it's all ok, and different is good!

About to die...........

..........does anyone notice? You know we all have our issues, and all we want is someone to be there for us. Someone who really cares about us, and wants the best for us. We go about our days busy as can be, running errands, cleaning house, doing dishes, going to work, waiting in traffic, and then get cut off from another driver or the bill collector calls; do they not understand today is the day that "you fill in the blank" happened. My kid just got diagnosed with cancer, my loved one died, I lost my job, I have no groceries, my spouse just cheated on me, I live in a tent in the woods, My dad just hit me, I'm going thru a divorce, and on and on and on. Does anyone notice?????

Compassion for our neighbors, family, friends, and the stranger that you just cut off, ignored, laughed at, or just didn't pray for today because we're too caught up in our own issues. Everybody has them, and none of us are exempt from them. How we choose to deal with it though is the difference. I often can get caught up in my own issues and wonder "don't you understand my son may not make it thru his teenage years; there's no cure or treatment for NF". "Don't you understand, we don't have any food in the fridge and I had to go to the food pantry for the first time in my life; I need a job"............all of this only to strengthen me for what is about to come. I have been granted and allowed to be in this very family to build my faith, strength, courage and most of all love for others. I have endured and will be challenged with more; as God see's fit. A reward, compliment, promotion, or whatever you want to call it; but God must think I'm "able and good enough" to take it on.

I don't like it sometimes. It's much easier to crawl back under the covers and not face any of it. Its easy being depressed; I can excuse it, not worry about it, throw it off to the side; but then it drains all of my energy to be depressed; now it's too hard. I just want to be happy! Ok, I have a choice; it's not everyone else's job to make me happy. I need to find my happiness in another form than from the people in my life........where do you find yours? Most people really are selfish, and only care about their own lives.......really!

My eyes were opened when I saw the tent in the woods; on a sub zero degree day. A man  (I'm going to call Jesus) only in a fleece jacket walks from a McDonald's dumpster across the street thru the field and into the balding trees to his now called home. A tent. How long has he had to live there? Is he warm enough? How many are there with him? How did he get to this place in his life? When's the last time he got to take a bath?What else might be wrong? Does he need a doctor? Is he starving? So many questions in the blink of my eye while I ride in my warm van that I gripe about needing to get rid of  on the way back to my warm house with running water, etc. But see, Jesus was thankful; he had shelter, food, and clothing.

Does he not have any friends or family? Then I thought; if I got to a place where I didn't have a home, would I ask someone? Would I really be able to tell them? No, really would you be able? Its not a question of pride as much as it is; are there people that really care enough not to care to help take care of you until you can do it on your own again? People don't want to be bothered, or their finances tightened to really help out. Thoughts to ponder........when you think you're about to die in your circumstance..............

Ok God, what is my purpose; and why did I see this picture?  That's between me and God and I do not need to share; but I ask you........when you think you are about to die in your situation; just look and behold another life; and be thankful, giving, and most of all in prayer that you can help someone out of that place that they are in or add to what they have/need. Why are we so busy that we just pass everyone by? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!

Dark cloud................

There's been a dark cloud around us for awhile lately and I've not been writing. I don't know when I will be back into the groove of things again to blog. Too many deaths and diagnosis' happening that are very close to our family. Please keep the families of these people listed as they have either been promoted to heaven, recently diagnosed with cancer, or have other tragic health issues:

Luke Wallace (Friend's 4 yr old boy w/ NF and found cancer cure in heaven )
Dave Downey ( Friend of family passed the day b4 yesterday due to blood clot to the brain while driving over to visit my uncle)
Issac Krebs (Friend's 3 yr old son found cancer cure in heaven) Feel free to visit this mom amazing journey with her son at www.caringbridge.org/visit/issackrebs
Gabe Putthoff (our Associate Pastor's 5 year old son who is facing his second round with cancer, and the issues that go along with it.) Feel free to visit his heroic story at www.caringbridge.org/visit/gabeputthoff
Darren Myers (tragic car accident last night; in trauma unit on respirator. multiple injuries, doesn't look good: my ex's nephew)
Marilyn Boyd ( my husband's aunt received the diagnosis of Carcinoid Syndrome which they have found the tumors and she is recovering from surgery then will undergo chemo for the one they couldn't get)
Betty (BJ) Rentschler (my mother-in-law has been in the hospital twice within the last 30 days with a horrible bladder infection, and other health issues and is still in the hospital as I type)
Phyllis Bancour (my cousin has been in the hospital and now is recovering from pneumonia but was also diagnosed with emphysema and interstitial lung disease.)

..........praying to find the smiles of sunshine and good news through the clouds!

It's really funny............

...........how I continue to entertain myself by not knowing anything at all to write about when I come here to let my heart out. I sincerely go thru a thought process while typing and laughing at myself; "you don't have a subject even in mind, what the heck are you doing." "ohhh just shut it off and come back when you think of something worth wild to even talk about."

Well by the time I get to this area of writing I have usually figured out or my fingers just go on with whatever is going to come out, but not today I am at a duh??? moment; did going blonde really set me back this much. Did it really pull out any sense that was rolling around up there? Blonde, funny isn't it? I'm stuck!

I guess I'm still overloaded from the last posting........too many prayers that need to be said, too much research that needs to be done, the laundry isn't finished, the dishes still need to be done, dinner still needs to be partially prepared, but this is my only quite time when no one is here, the clothes still need to be put away from off the couch, I need to raise more money for a cure, we need to find a doctor that knows what the heck is going on, I need answers, I need to feel better, the bathroom needs cleaned, I need to go visit Grandma Lola, I need to get our business tax stuff done for Missouri, I need to work on the next NF event stuff, I still need to email stuff, I need to go get my drivers license changed, I need to take Holly to get her license, I need to go make my bed, I need to clean out the van and wash it, I need to deep clean Koda's room, I need to talk to the bill collectors that keep calling and work out a plan, I need to do some Christmas shopping, I need to get a job so I can buy Christmas, I need to just do everything right now cuz I have put it all off long enough.....

.....wow where did all that come from? Busy? Apparently I need to be doing stuff instead of thinking about what I need to do. Been there?..............lets not forget to stop, breathe, read, and have a moment in all the busi-ness of our lives and thank and reflect on God! Don't forget your family and yourself. You can't do all the above if you don't take 3 very important parts of life to heart: God, Family, and yourself (and I don't mean selfishness/pride). So today I'm going to just enjoy the day doing what I can get accomplished. It's really funny......................... being Blonde!

Overloaded...........

...........with ideas to write about today, but haven't decided on anything yet. I thought I would just start typing and see where the heart leads. Ok, subjects could include an obediant wife, a step-parents views, a hotel stay, a public family secret, disorders and diseases, uhhhmmmm there is so many but what is prevelant for today? I must say my eyes have been opened a little more today by one little phone call. See, God puts people in your path just for the very moment that you need it. I didn't realize I needed anything but a job; and then I get the phone call. This very phone call could enhance, destroy, save, enlighten, give strength or just improve a wonderful marriage and unity of the souls.

Step-parenting; I can't say I know anything about it as I have never been one. So why would I write about such a topic.....because I'm married to one, and have relations that are one, etc. Where do they actually fit into the picture, and when do they actually get the recognition that they deserve. Are they just a piece of the puzzle to always get played or the piece left put up and never seen. They are not in the deciding factor in the final decisions of things nomatter if they are the caregiver, insurance payor, the house supplier, the meal maker, the taxi driver, and the money giver.

Are my eyes really open to the possibility that "the" step-parent can see right thru the games that might be played; manipulation, lying, butterup, deception, sneakiness? I am not just talking about my personal family but even the ones that might very well be reading this. Does it really matter for the sp to say anything at all about a subject, when the actual parent always is blinded, gives in, and thinks its all ok? Why even ask them if we're only going to make the final choice in the matter and it be our opinion that is the solution.

I am forever not agreeing with my husband on the rules, discipline, etc for my daughter that lives with us....because I've already lost one daughter back to her dad. That's my thought; I didn't lose her nor did my husband have anything to do with that move. I have to blame somebody though, right? It can't be my fault.......of course, it could be that there was a teenager that thought grass was greener on the other side as well. It's possible it was just all part of the game........and then it could be that well; I can't go into the depths of someone else's choices. Ok no blaming anyone here, just a realization moment for me............this about me realizing that my husband really is pushed back. If some life or death situation was to happen to the kids; the sp wouldn't be calling any final shots in the norm. As an wife that is very much in love with my  husband; I really could've pushed him away by not sitting down and finding out the very reason each of us feel the way we do about such decisions that need to be made. Can we agree to take the time to listen to the logic then proclaim the answer with love?

He doesn't know I have even been enlightened today, about his position in our family. I don't want him left out, and I don't want to push him out eventually either. I also don't want him to punish incorrectly; uhhmmm let's see I guess I'm the judge and I know exactly the perfect punishment is for every situation. NOPE! I really need to listen; I guess sometimes his anger overrides my thinking that he can make a "loving, impactful action/decision". He can't do it right cuz he's mad, He can't do it right cuz he's not been a parent as long, He can't .........do anything if I don't let him share in all these experiences that parents/a marriage should share. Part of that is making mistakes, and standing by each other thru it all. My gosh, what have I done? I understand why he says "what's the point" now...........I know duh, right? Light-bulb should have went off then; but it didn't. Is it possible this is why so many marriages that include step kids don't work?

I know usually when there is step kids there is sometimes a missing biological parent missing from the whole picture do to drugs, alcohol, absenteeism, etc...........but I'm talking about where all parents are involved including step-parents on each side. Kids know right from wrong, and how to get their way; am I missing it by wearing rose colored glasses? I don't want to be too hard, and I don't want them to be unhappy cuz they might just leave............well EYES OPENED along with HEART! I am not playing anymore, my marriage has to last a lifetime; I am partners with my man by God's Grace. I will have this very talk with him this evening; and apologize to him and the world! I have been controlling, unsupportive, and most of all not the spouse anybody would want to step-parent with. It falls down to fear..........I feared something, so I tried to control it myself. I no longer fear.............if they happen to want to leave; grass may be greener, but if its not then that was their decision. Old enough to make choices then old enough to enjoy the consequences. Let's Enjoy Life .............Overloaded!

Laughing............

my butt off! Ok, if you have ever had anything wrong with you to the point of testing by doctors then you have got to read the link to Marilyn's blog; ohhhhh my gosh, HILARIOUS! This woman of God can take the saddest, most frightening, suspicious, angry, and unknowing steps/diagnosis' thru life and just use plain ol' criticism, back talkin, sarcasm, etc to get everyone else thru and maybe even herself. I dare you to read her journey; she just started it so it's easy to catch up. I know you will love it and her by the time you are done! By the way this is my Aunt!...........the best medicine ever!
www.marilynssunflowers.blogspot.com

Difference........

Who is relying on you, counting on you and needs you to be there to show them, help them, support them and pull them up? Today, it's you that has the chance to impact, to encourage, to meet a need that you don't even know exists. Be the difference.

That's exactly what Dr. Tim is doing from Liberty, MO. He doesn't know us or Koda or even anyone with NF apparently, but is willing to endure the Antarctica Marathon to raise money for a cure for NF. The proceeds going to The Children's Tumor Foundation. Uhmmm time for self reflection I would think; what difference will we make today? You might just find your purpose in life..............

 

Unsure...........

back but still to busy it seems to keep up on a daily basis; but who knows.......for now though I'm just unsure. Its ok to be unsure knowing that where my final place is. I must say that I deal with the natural human feelings of unsureness though. Mainly why and what purpose will this serve? NF, cancer, etc all these things are an unknown for the people that have to live between the lines of it's diagnosis. It becomes easy to blame, find an excuse, or even a scapegoat than to just face the facts that we have an enemy that really is among us to destroy us. When these things happen though, if you step back and watch; you will see a healing that could've never taken place before had it not happened. A family brought back together after years of discord. A way for some to look at themselves and not judge anymore.
A new friend to make, just when you need a real one the most. Would I want my son to pay the price to bring a family back together; my selfishness says no.......but we all know he was only given to me for me to do my job; raise him to know the Lord on a personal level. But see, God did give up his only son to save all of us. See He was selfish in the fact He wanted us all. For those with no family, any sacrifice would be willing to enjoy just a moment in a family spirited atmosphere. There is a purpose behind the pain; though it was not caused it is still allowed so that the pain will give purpose to the much needed growth in each of us. I have to step back and wonder myself why I have become so close to this family member lately........why have our paths crossed; why do we need each other, and what is about to happen? I know I shouldn't but I still want an answer to why. She is not my blood, but she is becoming one of the closest people to my heart. She has had experiences, guilt, shame, victories, losses, thoughts, fights, anger, love, and most of determination. Where she gets it; who knows............she probably is in awe of herself. She wouldn't tell you that though. May we all step back and look a little deeper at the people God allows us to have in our lives. All have a purpose; to a beautiful tapestry that will be finished but it includes our pain. It's all part of it. I must say that I hope to find many years of connected heart strings, and get to share the present of life and victory with her. I know when we look each other in the eyes from now on; there is a deeper sense of strength, passion, serenity, love, wisdom, life, sunshine, memories, mountains of endurance, and most of all true friendship..........to the end. Why I'm writing the words I am, again I do not know. I type what my heart is delivering at the time. Sometimes it makes me cry.......how my feeling turn into clicks. My heart is my writing, and my writing is your gift from me for the day. Another day is always a gift to be thankful for; so I'm glad I can share it with you. I'm still unsure..............

Reunite................

the hearts, souls, lives, interests, history, genetic features, careers, kids, food recipes, and forgiveness if needed! I embraced the time I took to step back and look at this family that only got together at funerals if that; everyone so amazing, so filled with stories of interest, ready to hug and forgive at the drop of a hat, seeing the kids of generations past all grown up with kids of their own. It was a precious priceless picture that the Typer Family Reunion 2009 @ Riverfront Park, Iola, KS. I am married into this beautiful family, and felt the pain and distance that all of them so desired to shorten and heal; and am blessed to be part of it all.

I met some wonderful souls.........the twins are about the best! We really enjoyed our moment of sick humor with the tens machine; Devon you will forever be a legendary picture of a jerk :oP. Rachel's laugh and jump at a mouse is unforgettable. Tho this blog means nothing really to the public of readers..........it's a written picture of the history. Not one that our memories will always hold on to, but now it's forever written to review when the memories fade. Memories do fade though we all treasure holding on to them, but I have found that a written picture can bring a tear 50 years later that no memory can. Thank you all for allowing me to be part of your family.

Our trip down gave me a sky view picture of peace as three different airplanes crossed paths and left me a visual of The Cross! I knew our trip would be that of Godly nature..........and I have to tell you that the serenity of the late night stars while I'm embracing the jets of hot water massaging my body in the darkness of the night was amazing! Thank you Marilyn for such a beautiful experience.

Every family has skeletons in the closet or secrets that have never been told............we all have them; they have hurt, confused, damaged, distorted, burdened, weighed heavy upon each of us all in different ways. When God is in the picture though; such darkness cannot be held that way.........He always brings it to light whether we like it or not. I like it when such darkness is exposed, it's then that Jesus' blood can wash it all white and reunions of forgiveness can start. Hearts will continue to need mended, but maybe the seeds that were planted ( I pray) will grow the threads needed to grab the needle to begin the sewing........color doesn't matter, and the needle can hurt; but the stitching is a beautiful piece of work when completed by God's Hand.

as we all left the park that day.........a pack to reunite again soon began with a date of June 12, 2010 which means the sewing is healing by determination to build this family instead of letting it deteriorate by the eating of moths in a hidden closet...................Rebuild, Rejuvenate, Relax, Reason, Repent, Remember the reunion of Typer purpose!

Why am I being stopped...........

with migraines, sick kids, full calendars, house chores, taxi service, wifely duties, and whatever else that can and should be named. I cannot find the time nor the thought process even to write anything lately! Overwhelmed by the need to make sure this NF event kicks off successfully has really worn me down. I got approval for surgery though and that brings light to the end of the "fat"........so maybe I'll have the energy to run with the NF Endurance team and do marathons someday soon! I miss blogging, it is my stress reliever! Better than any medication I have ever found. Since I quit smoking......letting the fingers run across the keyboard helps ward off those cravings that are getting farther and fewer between. I've been smoke free since August 16th. I have also lost some weight since then as well.....not to bad I don't guess....as I really would like to use food as my replacement. Well the headache is becoming too overwhelming again.....looking at the computer screen, so until I can type again; much living, laughter and love........it's because I am filling my life with such!

Food Journal Blog

If you are interested, I am starting a new blog today for food issues, weight loss, a journey to surgery and post, etc. http://www.free-conscience.blogspot.com/ if you would like to follow.

Unselfish.............

http://bit.ly/9wBcj (Read such a precious story)

The purpose of us all really is to step out of ourselves and accomplish that of what is needed by others........how do you get involved, help, donate, or even pray??? Stepping out of yourself takes the Heart of God to get it accomplished! I pray for that daily! It's short and sweet today as we are busy with family advocacy day at school, Shawnee Dispatch doing a paper on NF, Koda and our Ride4Research event in Oct. Back at the blogging ground tomorrow, until then; may your tummies hurt from laughter!.............hearts are blessed!

God's Breath.......

.......the fresh breeze coming thru the open windows of such a beautiful morning. 93hrs since my last cigarette, and I have a new sense of smell........it's luxury! Everytime I breathe in it's like a new present, a gift from God that I don't ever remember having. I'm not saying that I couldn't smell before but it was impaired, foggy, and overcasted with the nicotine, smoke, and altered taste as well. It's like being in a down town city w/ smog to the point of not seeing then slowly walking to the country where everything is free, spaced, and vibrant. The sense of smell has as well changed my sense of taste. Everything tastes different.

I was really scared that I might turn to food to fulfill the place that the cigs did; but it's weird, I did ask God for Him to fill it so that I wouldn't fill the void with an unhealthy substance. He has sustained me and filled me with His glory, love, and spirit. I continue to pray for my husband, Rick, that God will be the temptation blocker for him in such trying times at work. Almost everyone smokes there, and being the lead man he is; there is frustrations with people, job, trucks, and just life @ work........as with anyone. He hasn't totally quit yet......I think one cig a day......which is remarkable; but I and He needs to quit; my gosh it was his idea! LOL

I must say there is a greiving process to give up such a love, and it was a love. I was connected, and cigs were always faithful, always there and dependable, gave me a drive like no other.......but when I look back; my priorities were really messed up! Cigs before food, drink, bills, gas, before anything. I couldn't function........really couldn't the first 24-36 hrs of this was terrible. I wanted to scream, pull my hair out, die, kill someone, and I'm sure my family was about to put me out on the streets or admit me. I didn't like who I had become; but in reality that was the real me and cigs only suppressed that like some sick disease. Where was God? He was there I just didn't depend on him to fulfill the void......or did I, I've made it this far; and definitely not on my own. I couldn't have done it, I am too weak; really weak when it comes to..........just go get a pack. I mean the kids have gone to school, no one is here.......go outside so the smell isn't in the house; one won't hurt........ohhhh but devil you are such a liar; and always right there on the other shoulder to whisper sweet lies into my ear! God is stronger and thankfully I hear His voice much stronger.......and then I breathe in..............God's breath!

Where's the structure?

Uhmmm, structure in this house has definitely found it's hiding place. I was just sure when the kids went to school I could set up a daily schedule to live by until a job found me to change it. Chaos, really! What the heck was I thinking.......well it really wasn't my idea I don't think to quit smoking the same week that ohhh lovely Mrs. Monthly comes to visit and the kids starting school......oh and then by the way my husband decides to tell me that he doesn't have to go to work until 11am today instead of 6am at the last hour last night. I didn't realize how much I love a ritual and structured atmosphere. I mean I love spontaneous decisions but not a life of it.......well it's been challenging to not think of mean things to do to people........boy what nicotine/smoking habit can do to you when withdrawing.

Drugs are all bad when it comes to withdrawing.........and I can't imagine having to deal with more than one addiction at a time; but I am; food.......it's sneaky, manipulative, and alluring but only because I allowed it to be. I decide where it is placed on the shelves, refrigerator, and cupboards. I decide what the food is that is brought in, and then I get mad at the food.......uhmmm getting out of the denial that it's my decision, my choice, my desires that have made this what it is.

I'm influencing my kids in a way that is not the best I know.......but at least I am seeing it, and thankful to a very special dr. that has come into my life due to the desire to get this "body" structure remodeled. He has given me homework, a book called "Mindless Eating" by Brian Wansink. Awesome information........actually stuff I thought I knew but I really didn't. Another book, God laid on my mind, for you girls "Captivating"......by Staci and John Edgredge......for the guys "Wild at Heart".....by her husband John Edgredge. I really just dare you to take the moment to indulge in yourself for a moment and find serenity.

Back to reality, a craving is heavy, but it doesn't seem as long today. The thoughts that I really didn't decide to quit this time makes me want to go to the gas station and just buy a pack. I don't want to quit, and I enjoyed my cigs tremendously. Really, sick I know and the stench of them but I liked smoking. I have now made it a full 48 hours.......two days.....why oh why would I want to smoke another one; but I really want one! Just one, maybe just a drag and then ..........oh bologna I know I wouldn't stop with a drag, one, or anything less than just not doing it. Prayer is needed, and let me find my filling in God alone. Until we talk again, thanks for listening!

Another day, another hour, another minute

As I'm watching out the window, the rain is so strong that I cannot see the gas station as I normally do, I'm choosing not to listen to the voice saying............you need a cigarette. I have almost made it a complete day without one, but every second is a fight against it. I choose life, smelling correctly, breathing correctly, endurance, not to pass it on, not to make my kids live with it, but it is by every second, min, hour and will be days then years. I cannot do this on my own, because if I do and fail........then I'm just another failure to myself; I don't like that word.

When I post it, then I am asking for accountability, prayer, and support. I am reaching out to receive all that is out there for me to find serenity in all of this. This I can change, but not without the help. Just like no one can find a cure for NF without help........it has to come from somewhere, and someone has to volunteer. With the economy the way it is, some are holding back tightly to protect themselves. I used to hear it all the time; take care of yourself because no one else will. The bible says to "what good is it to save the world, and leave yourself" of course, I'm paraphrasing. We do have to guard ourselves at some point, but we must also be givers without a selfish heart.

As we know I'm a blogger of each and every thought with no plan when I start; just looking for a way to deal with life in a "normal manner" without going crazy keeping track of stuff all in my head. I release a lot of stress, emotion, and fear when I journal/blog. I have notebooks full of writings that have been my deliverance thru whatever the case might have been. It is just life and for whatever reason; mine includes writing. I'm sure Koda's life will have something to do with trains, planes, automobiles, construction equipment, fire & rescue trucks, and a cape of some sort naming his SuperHero logo/name.

The kids started school today. Halie is in Gainesville @ her dads', Holly and Koda here w/ us. Holly now a Sophomore, and Koda just starting out in PreK. Gap in time most definitely but I have decided Koda is here with us for an eye opening experience and to keep me young. :OP.
My greatest desire is for Koda to finally catch up with his delays this year, and take off learning! I must say having two gifted teenagers, and years of grade cards w/ "A's".......has spoiled me some. Both girls always eager to learn and a drive to succeed. I can only hope that Koda would ever see that. Right now speech, language, processing and retention, are some areas that I pray that he walks out of PreK right where he should be. God give the teachers the patience and experience to help Koda in the only way that they can. Give Koda a mind that thrives to learn, and the ability to do it. Help his tongue and brain to connect correctly so the transmission of hearing words is clear..........as we know his hearing is fine now. I also pray there is no signs of dyslexia; as he has enough to conquer now.

Funny how I can go from talking about cigs to my kid's education........all over the place my brain does go; but walking away with a free/clear conscience is the ultimate serenity. Now all this time with the kids in school; do I nap.........or do I become SuperMommy and get the house all clean, or do I get to job hunting like I should do as all the other will wait. Uhmmm, my eyes are heavy; and there's a mountain of clothes to fold..........job, I have a job; it's called Mommy, but the hubby doesn't see it paying any bills I guess. So for now I'm going to soak up the clear air in my house by breathing deep; enjoying the sound of the strong rain on my porch w/ a metal rooftop, and endure and surpass another moment without a cig. I want a cigarette!

Puzzles

Puzzles! They cannot be called such if they had smooth edges or didn't challenge someone where each piece belongs. CTF.org has a puzzle piece as it's logo, and life gives us times where we definitely want to know where we belong. We are each just a piece of a puzzle in God beautiful picture of creation. Each part of our lives is it's own piece as well. Total chaos in the journey of putting it all together, but boy when it's done........absolutely a perfect fit and beautiful picture.

So as new pieces are being discovered in my life, and trying to put them together..........I have found patience, peace, joy, contentment, empathy, understanding, faith, hope, love, and endurance to be a few of them. Though many times life is not the way I would want it; I do see where I have been challenged, tested, and pushed to make some decisions that effect every part of my life later. Consequences come from those choices whether good or bad. Some come as easy as slicing melted butter and some like an overweight person in very poor health trying to climb the tallest mountain; a struggle. That struggle though is what teaches us the most, not the easy stuff. Sometimes we forget to be thankful with the simple easy parts of life that we are allowed to experience. If nothing ever went wrong, what would be like.......I don't even want to know. Selfish for sure, as we already have that instinct within us. Greedy, uhmmmm that would be off the charts. What would we learn? Nothing!

I have started to write some segments of my life and hope to publish them for all to read. It has several series and/or parts. I'm not sure yet if it will be one big book or a several little ones........letting that just flow by the Grace of God. Pain of life and the journey where it has brought me. There is a lot of pain in this life and The Bible actually reflects on this. I find comfort in knowing that each pain only lasts a while. Thank God, He really doesn't give us more than we can handle........even though I question that when I'm in the midst of it. Puzzles; let's solve them!

Maked a trip to the emergancy room/urgent care

In the middle of a movie and winding down for bed, Koda goes to the bathroom. I clean up some dishes from the Chinese food we had; and I hear this blood curdling scream............I already knew what had happened. This time was definitely worse; as he held onto himself w/ a Chinese death grip. He had slammed his you know what with the toilet lid.

I didn't know something could swell up and get a big blood blister so fast. Of course, I'm thinking I need to call the nurse's line to see what was the best thing to do. They have us put ice on it; and he put it on gladly, then a dose of ibuprofen for the pain. They also said since there was a blood blister that it would need to be popped, and to bring him in.

Of course we are on our way, he stops crying and goes into his imaginary world mode; talking about trains, dinosaurs, and whatever else was on the brain. We arrive, and he's playing w/ toys, crawling into and out of a wagon........Daddy, cringed at the pain that he thought his son should be feeling when doing that. I really think Daddy was hurting worse than what Koda did.

Time to get vitals and stuff; Koda has to go to the bathroom again. We thought oh here we go........he is gonna scream. Daddy brings him back laughing; and says the blood blister had popped itself. He went to the bathroom just fine. Oh great, I am not about to wait another 2 hours for a doctor to see him and tell us to go home; and call someone if it gets worse. So, we decided to sign a release of liability to the hospital and leave. I only had a few hours till morning and I could take him back if needed. A doctor's office visit is a lot cheaper than a hospital emergancy room bill, lol.

Koda is fine and has no problems.........back to normal after making a trip to the emergancy room.