Tick Tock, Tick Tock...

Before the soar, I must mount up...Before I can mount up (the words given to me in this season, you can read about it here), I must renew...Before I can renew, I must wait.

Isaiah 40:31 "But they wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk, and not faint."

As I sit in this quiet house this morning, I hear the tick tock of the clock...wait...waiting for that doctor's appointment this afternoon that will give me the results of the lab work I've been awaiting on. One of many labs were taken, but the one I'm curious about as stated in the last blog is that of Lupus. Will my ANA markers show I have Lupus? Then I question because of this next statement is there a possibility that I'd fall within the 2 %?

Per the John Hopkins website "98% of all people with systemic lupus have a positive ANA test, making it the most sensitive diagnostic test for confirming diagnosis of the disease. The test for anti-nuclear antibodies is called the immunofluorescent antinuclear antibody test. In this test, a blood sample is drawn and sent to a laboratory."

This plate is one of the many eagle pieces we have in our home that we got when Rick & I first got together. I didn't realize how these words "mount up" are now staring at me daily in almost every room of the house. Rick has always loved eagles, and myself lighthouses...so that's why this plate is so important as it combines both our loves together. 

These words "Mount Up" has sent me on a journey to find out more. First, I had to go back and dissect the verse, which takes me to the word "wait". I thought I knew what it meant, but I've found our English language really is so limited & vague most of the time. I went back into the Hebrew Scriptures to find the definition of "wait". It wasn't at all like I thought...The primitive root means to bind together by a twisting or winding a strand into a cord or rope, to be gathered, collect. It's a verb meaning there's action, not a sit and do nothing. Which then took me to Ecclesiastes 4:12 that spoke so loudly to me about the cord & the importance of human relationships in our lives opposed to individualism/isolation. I've been quite isolated to be completely honest, social media doesn't make one come out of isolation but to hide behind it. I need someone on board with me to go thru the next steps. No, I don't know what that looks like right now or even whom that is...but God is definitely pulling my heart strings in this and is part of that cord for sure. I'm looking forward to what's ahead.

Now that I know I'll be going through this wait, renew...there's those "mount up" words again. One cannot soar without first mounting up. Have you ever seen an eagle mount up? I knew I really didn't know what that meant...again on the search for the details and found this video.

600fps Video of Eagle taking off and flying over camera. from Peter Barrett on Vimeo.

The power behind it's own weight is remarkable...but what got me was the struggle to soar first, the energy that must be to conquer the mission of lifting. The eagle actually drops down before it ever rises, and I don't know about you...life can be just like that. I have a destination but I'm lacking that determination, energy, focus, and strength at the moment. I don't know where I'm going, but if "Mount Up" is to be taken seriously, then I'm going to be going somewhere...and soar is in the future because the eagle doesn't give up; it always soars!

So instead of sitting and waiting for God to do something like I thought...I'm challenged to go into action as he renews my spirit, emotions, and physical being. I'm assuming this is in regards to my health, but I do not know that either at this moment. All I know now is I'm keeping my mind open to all that He may have for me, and the ears to hear what's next with all boldness to be obedient. As I go through this season figuring out my health situation...I'm looking for accountability in a way I've never had it before & I'll add to that as I see fit. I know the struggle is coming, I know it's going to take strength, perseverance, and that it may look like I'm failing before the Lord lifts me up. I am going to need some people in my life to hold me accountable, pray me through, be tough enough to let me cuss you out (ha!), and unconditionally love me through. Today, I'm cleaning off the dusty piled on treadmill for what I do not know ( as Maury Povich would say...and that's a lie!)!!!

Praising God today...my vision is back more and more & haven't had the pain in my eye. I will ask for prayers still to relieve the pressure in my head (not a headache as much as feeling my heartbeat in my eyeballs, and my whole head)...it's uncomfortable. Blessings to you and thank you for reading.

Decluttering...the ultimate betrayal

Betrayal...makes your mascara run!

I can say my life is by no way an accident, I have purpose and so do you. There's just way too many circumstances, tragedies, experiences, and such that I have personally went thru for it to not be of value to someone. The only way I have survived is by knowing thru my vulnerability, my story, my moments of rawness that someone is helped, understood, validated, and given hope. I've been decluttering & simplifying my home since August 1st, and if I would've known what I know this minute...I don't know that I would've started it. Now comes a season of decluttering & simplifying my emotions even though I didn't "ask" or "want" to.

Like the last couple days...Sometimes all I can do is cry it all out because there's no one I can talk to about such matters except for God. Which by the way, I realize is the only one to talk to...He's the only one who can do anything about it anyway. It's a twisted tangled mess that includes way too many people, so talking about it isn't an option. I'm a talker...so God has got His ears filled these last couple days with slurred words, blubbering noises, and whaling that even a toddler can't produce.

"I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God." ~Psalm 69:3. Until I have more clarification (because I can't trust my judgments right now), His Word is where I turn. I'm not alone there. What scares the "be Jesus" out of me...is exactly that; He was different, and didn't comply with the world nor their rules of normalcy. If I was to talk to anyone...they would in-fact think I was sick and have lost my mind. How in world could I go down this road? See, it's about forgiveness. It's about a forgiveness that isn't talked about. It's about despite the world view of how I should respond...I'm choosing to forgive. Believe me...I want to run away from this situation, and in the world's eyes I'd have validation for it.

Can I forgive at that level. That kind of forgiveness means to forget as God has forgotten...uhm, that's deep, that's hard, and to be honest I don't know if I can. I'm human...so is that kind of forgiveness possible? I don't know if I can live with myself if the consequences of it coming back to yet again be repeated. That's not my job tho...I don't know that...So, do I trust God that won't happen? I don't know if I can be like Jesus here. I thought for sure I was a follower...but, I can follow all day long. It's the "be like" Him that for the first time in my life...I just don't know that I can. See, I can forgive those whom do something to me ohhh how I wish this was anything like that. I've had to forgive my abusers, my naysayers, my parents, my grandparents, my friends, my kids, people from past relationships, all of that...so I thought I had forgiveness down.

But see the real issue here...is will I forgive myself for the decision that comes after the forgiveness. Do I stay, do I go, and whichever I do with this; will we be okay? The unknown is scary as hell. Sure there's people that if I had committed suicide and left a note with the story that would've said, "I wish she would've said something, I would've helped"...those people really aren't there like that. Those words come only when they are safe from having to fulfill such a need. I'm speaking from experience here because I've asked in the past...and that's when everyone seems to have not seen your message, it's urgency is dismissed, and is it even their responsibility? So yes, my past tends to help me make my decisions. I'm not going to share the tragic darts of this situation to find out no one is there to help with human effort. Again, a light bulb moment and reflection back to myself...am I there for others in this way? Seriously! Are we all so shut down behind the "knowing what they'd all would say and do" so why do it...then we sit in our pit of mire alone. All alone...well not Spiritual speaking but humanly speaking yes.

So...today I turn to God in my turmoil. It's Him alone that can do anything about it anyway. I do wonder what this is going to do for someone else...If I can't talk about it then how can I help another. It's my story but I'm involved deeply and entangled with so many more that it's not my place to put them out there. God help us!

A meme came across my screen that put it all into place for me along with the faithful prayers of some caring friends....If you went to Heaven, and God said...I forgive you to the same measure you gave forgiveness...how forgiven would I be? Matthew 6:15 "but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses". Ohhh do I need forgiveness too! Anybody else?

So, I'm not running away or ending the relationship of the one that has ultimately betrayed me...I'm going to embrace it...with healthy boundaries, stated expectations and not naive to being co-dependent, enabling, or excusing the behavior...Jesus didn't leave me when I've betrayed Him, so I'm not leaving this one either. May we all in this entangled mess allow Jesus to untie the knots in due time. Friendships are valuable & forgiveness is growth in the hardest sense of the word.

Release & Believe has never been so confirmed in my life as it is right now...this business in which I get the privilege of running will be stronger than ever because of my experiences. It's more than oils, it's being real with people in their situation, connecting on a personal level, and it's more than releasing...it's the power that comes in the changing ones intentions to affirmations & seriously believing it. I'm seeing a developing inner circle of support for those whom have been betrayed. If you'd like to have a connection, let me know. Thank you Jesus for allowing me to sit with you in your betrayal so that I may learn.


 #bedifferent #callustheweirdos #iwannabelikejesus #releaseandbelieve #inmyrawyouarenotalone

(Update to PET scan) What I can do through this...

Let me apologize to those who have been awaiting this post to get the scoop on all the other details to our newest journey (read here to catch up)...with the recent presidential negativity throughout social media, some flashbacks of personal trauma that was also triggered by another's heartbreaking FB post, so I just mentally shut off everything and enjoyed the last two days with my family doing whatever we wanted. It was so nice to step away from the phones, computer, and screen.

That referenced post above was titled "When there's not a damn thing you can do"...I'm taking back as of right now because God definitely showed me that when it seems as tho you can't; you can!! No, I personally can't change the fact that at this moment our son has a tumor that has ate through his skull. I decided though, I was going to embrace the moments of joy throughout the new journey as we find out all the details of what the specialists suggest to do. What I didn't realize was how just maybe we were going through this so we could be exactly where we needed to be for someone else. I'll explain that in just a bit.

So, we are leaping with joy and thanksgiving for the answered prayers of Koda's tumor NOT being malignant. I had also posted on FB before we got results: 

"I'm posting this now because I'll not be shocked to find out why it happened after we get the results from the PET scan today...the technician apologized to me and called the dr, nurse, and radiologist to say she accidentally took too many images...it was only to be of the upper body (trunk up) and she took clear down to his feet. I said, I'm fine with it because it gives us a full body baseline regardless. I don't think this was a accident at all...in K's life, history has proven...there's a reason for everything. 

If you don't know...PET scan. A positron emission tomography scan is a type of imaging test. It uses a radioactive substance called a tracer to look for disease in the body. (They told us that it's where they feed the body sugar so if there's cancer it'll light up because tumors love sugar and will eat it up)".


I posted that because Koda has had other significant pain episodes throughout the years in his legs, and honestly I was expecting to hear they found something there. Praise God that isn't the fact, so we are thanking God for the additional images for future reference baseline, if needed. I'm ecstatic beyond words that nothing else showed up. Seriously my heart couldn't have handled something yet beyond what we're already dealing with. One diagnosis' in itself is enough for any family, but 5 significant affecting daily living is beyond me already then the skull thing was/is too much! I don't function on my own strength...I have none! I'm worn! And the newest journey is just beginning.

I wish I could say that with the great news from the PET scan that our journey is now going back to "our normal", but that's not true. We've got quite the journey ahead actually. Here's the next steps:

1. MRI in Kansas City to update us on the actual tumor itself growth/measurements/etc 

2. Neurosurgery and Plastic surgeon appointments in KC

3. NF Clinic appointment in St. Louis

4. There will at some point be a surgery scheduled to fix the skull itself (if it can be done with where the tumor is located) so much still to discuss and figure out.

5. Probable out of state (several places including NIH National Institute of Health) visits for clinical trials of  different chemo meds. (We really do NOT want to do this again...He was on the Gleevac trial for a year 2011-12)

Koda's tumor is complicated, it's as a bag of worms always moving and hopefully not growing, it engulfs the carotid and that in itself makes it too high risk to remove. All of his team up until this point has said they wouldn't touch it. The oncologist is concerned about getting this tumor to shrink or de-bulk it so it doesn't do additional damage to the skull...she has mentioned us going to Cincinnati for surgery because she knows they will do this type of surgery (ugh...no, we won't be making any decisions about this until we talk to the NF specialists because well this isn't her area of speciality...malignant tumors are.) 

These type of tumors if cut on tend to grow back 3x faster after surgery anyway. We are going to have a lot of praying time and discussions as we weed out the pros and cons for each suggestion as they become available to us. In the meantime, I'm now using Young Living Frankincense and Sacred Frankincense topically on the tumor while diffusing other blends as well. We had also fallen off our "clean eating" for a bit after our move here...but, that is back on track at 100% now. We will do what we can and we fully believe diet/atmosphere plays a big part in emotional, physical, and spiritual health. Please keep praying for us through this journey. Thank you for all that has supported us up until now through prayers, calls, texts, hospitality, and the financial support & donations to the gofundme page.

Now back to the last sentence in the first paragraph. This journey has allowed us to be placed right where we needed to be for someone else. If this had not happened, we wouldn't have ended up with a physical appearance much less anything else when it was needed. Another family 4 weeks into the hospital stay, 2 surgeries later this round, and still living in the PICU; God had a plan. I thought I was going to visit my friend and her son while I was there, well on the way to KC the night before the PET scan...I was prompted to go see them "now", as soon as I got to town. I dropped off Koda at his aunt's where'd we be staying the night...and off to the hospital I went. 

I got to spend some time listening to all that had went on. My heart sinks watching this momma not see daylight, but knowing she can't think about leaving him is totally understandable. So many times this precious face has stopped breathing...etc! :( So this is what I can do while we endure this journey of our own! I would've set up a Gofundme page for them, actually I'm shocked to no end that no one has done it yet...if anyone needs support it's this family. Daddy doesn't get to be there as they would like, because like us; bills don't get paid without somebody working. Gofundme does charge fees, it takes at least 7 days to get the first deposit, and this family at this time doesn't have an account to link to it so...

Update tonight from momma: He's running a 103 temp, heart rate at 200, and 3 new antibiotics started. My heart hurts so bad for them all. Don't let that precious face make you think all is fine...it's not. By God's grace, favor, and mercy Moose has endured and continues to fight daily. Help me help him & his precious family. This is now Koda's baby...He prays everyday, at every meal, and every night for this boy.
Thank you in advance for your prayers and support.

Until I work out other details with this family to get another fund raising opportunity made and funds to them; I'm asking for any donations possible. Please use this link:  PayPal.Me/embracingjoy I will make sure all funds donated gets into the hands of momma. Make sure to note that it is for Kennedy Murry aka Moose.