Isolated in grief...while everyone else is living...

...do you not notice, I'm dying here in grief. I'm broken and I'm lost! No I don't want to talk, no I don't want to get out of bed, no I can't sleep with the reels of my loved one running through my head. I can't stop the flashbacks of what happened; and why would I want to go to sleep just to be reliving that horrific dreadful moment. How am I to go on? Why if God is good, did this happen to me? I'm so mad at God! My heart is broken, my thoughts are stuck, and now I'm just numb. I've cried to the point I can't cry anymore. It's someone's fault and they must pay! I'm mad at the person who left me behind, alone, and to deal with all the people that were part of our lives! I don't care if God wanted another angel or if this was part of his plan...what about me? The thoughts go on and on...and before this horrific event; one would've never thought such things. You probably haven't either unless you have been dealt such cards. But this is no game; it's the reality of grief. Who can get back to life as it was...that person isn't there?

Yes and it will never be the same. You will travel through many firsts the first year. You will go through all the steps of grief, and it's not a road any of us want to endure. And you'll travel that journey whether you want to or not. When everyone goes back to their lives as it always has been for them; you will still be at this place doing without the one you love. Every emotion that is possible you will encounter when it's not expected and in those please know, you are not alone. People will say things that will strike you in a wrong way, and remember they are only trying to help & console the best they can without any experience in such a journey. There's no time frame for healing, grief, or acceptance...and you may even question or quit your faith. It's all ok. Keep sharing your life, reaching out; with the pictures, the journey, and the love that you two shared...there's many of us that need to be reminded; life is short. You are loved and I'm so sorry that you have to endure this journey so soon. 

This last paragraph was a comment I left on social media for a family member whom just lost her husband within the week. Death stings the people left behind and sometimes it's as if it's an deathly allergic reaction; consuming the mind, body, and soul...to the point they actually die, feel like they are going to, or want to.

These rollercoaster feelings (that some just work so hard not to feel) exacerbate when we must journey through such grief. We don't get to choose when this happens, and in this we will never have control. I have found that these very steps also are gone through in all types of grief though maybe not to the intense degree. Not just death but divorce, broken relationships of any degree, childhood trauma, failure of expectations whether self or another, a diagnosis of a child that changes your entire world, a health diagnosis for self, and it goes on and on. 

We must be thoughtful with our words to those going thru such...sometimes a hug or a card stating thinking about you is much more heart touching than anything you can actually say. Most of the time they cannot hear you anyway because the grief is so LOUD.You may be a light in this world but to them there is dark, thick storm clouds between you and them; they can't see it.They may not answer the text, door, FB post, etc because they just can't; don't take that personally...it's not you.  You can ask, what's the best way to help...but really most can't answer that because they have no idea. The only thing that would really help is having their loved one back. 

This is dedicated to my grieving friend, family member, and sister in Christ...Linda Spalding Kirchoff. May each and everyday you never forget how much you are loved and impacting the world with your story. At this time, you may not care to share but in time there will be a place and persons in which you will be the only one that can help them feel "known and not alone". Your marriage to Mike was a beautiful one that cultivated amazing children that also impact others that many never get to experience at the level you did...so thank you for showing all of us what an example of "fun and in love" looks like. I'm so sorry it was cut off short. Much love!

Launch day...a journey of significance

Live Video from today...watch first.

As I watch my natural silver highlights grow out, the skin upon my hands wrinkle,
death of family fall all around me, and the friends struggle in different areas in their lives...drove me to question so many things. My mind was going crazy with what's next? I don't have that much longer on earth to live and what will I leave behind? I'm not leaving "stuff" to be disregarded and trashed...I want to leave with someone who's life was improved, empowered, healed, and served by my love for them.

So about those birds...there's two significant things that I got from the birds flying into the net. The first was that even though they looked like fools flying right into a net, they got back up and flew off like they had no other choice. I know when I make a mistake or look like a fool in whatever area of life, I tend to stay down and drown in my sorrows. :( That's not the place to be as it brings no benefit to anyone. If I stay down anymore I hope I'll just take a moment to process what could've been different, what choices I can take for the next event, and allow myself to be human with mistakes, foolish decisions, etc.

Secondly, the birds taught me that maybe I shouldn't be following to begin with. If I'm following, there is NO way to see the obstacles up ahead. If I'm following, I'm going to fall into the trap along with the one I'm following. We're tied up in following these days especially on social media, our significance is in how many followers, friends, etc that we have...and that is just leading one to a place of discouragement, disappointments, and blocking the path in which you have been designed to take. If we're on another person's journey when then in fact cannot be completing our purpose in life.

We are each uniquely designed to "give" to the world a part of us that no one else can. Through that statement we then are given all that make us complete in this life. I'm so thankful for the broken chains of weight called popularity and acceptance. I'll be completely honest that I felt like a total idiot after doing that video and the abundance of fear that weighed me down in anticipation to do the video about killed me, but YOU....the many that have messaged me, commented, and called already gave me the confirmation that I did step out in the right direction today. Confirmation of what I question is my calling is being fulfilled each minute. I love you all and care about you! So look out in front of you, and not your past or current struggle but at the forest awaiting in front of you with a journey only you can enjoy, only you were designed for, and conquer the world in which only you can!! :)

Happy National Donut Day...can you tell I really would like to have one, but I won't. Please let me know if you had a donut for me. :) You are significant...you have a purpose...LAUNCH!

A song for you!

A mother's madness...the rest of the story

Pre-warning pity party not allowed though I want to go there sometimes. I want to throw a plate and let it break, and maybe someday I will. Not sure it will help, but I may just have to check and see.

Months of what seemed to be a slow slide down a slippery path ended up in uhh let's say a muddy well of hell. I know that listing out the details of any of the events would not edify myself or you reading, so I won't do that. I will however give topics in which I know now to only be just more obstacles that I'm proving to endure and complete in such a messy way. I exacerbate over problem behaviors my child can and cannot control sometimes, I fall flat on my face in arising financial delimmas, I lay unconscious, as if fallen from a plane without a parachute in the sadness of the uncertainities, my body meets a Mack truck head on when I can't find time for authentic rest, My heart fills ripped out when there is a decision that is tough regarding my kids, I have nightmares in the daytime that life will never be any better, and only to find out that it's just an endurance run. Ugh!

I had a vision for quite some time now to be up in front of an audience (which I've done before) but with always kicking my shoes off. I know, I thought hideous too! I hate shoes honestly; at home I'm pretty much barefoot and if I can get away with it other places I will. What did this vision mean? I've had it for such a long time...and bam! I get an email asking to come speak in Kansas City on Mother's Day at New Life Family Church. All that went thru my head, wow brain overload...and it was if I was on fueled hysteria on the inside. Talk about my guts doing the nay nay, the two step, the waltz, Charleston, head banging maneuvers, and the moon slide all at once. I was a mess but got myself together since I was inside Sam's shopping with my husband at the time; and said "uhm, I need to pray about my response". Stupid thought!!! Didn't I just have visions forever about situations such as this...yes, I'm a fake blonde going platinum fast & furious (for real...naturally). Trying to find reasons I could have possibly thought I needed to do that; then I was quickly prompted with Philippians 4:6; (ESV) "do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God"

Immediately I was lead with the topic a mother's madness (like I know anything about that) and to find the imperfections society labels on women due to bad choices, incontrollable situations, relational confrontations, etc because none of that happens to anyone else, right? Immediately following I had a personal issue that arose that made me question what the heck I thought I was doing. The battles, obstacles, and thoughts almost drowned me even up unto the minute of delivery. My SIL quickly reminded me that is exactly what it looks like to carry my cross. (Matthew 16:24 “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.) I'm so thankful for the people that were praying for me because I wanted nothing more but to glorify God, let Him speak, and women, families, and relationships to be touched in a positive way.

Well my madness drove me into Luke and more so into Chapter 2 (even though I've read it many times before) led me to find ohhhh Mary wasn't a perfect mother either. This just proved to me that society can deem us by certain labels of invalid, unfit, etc. The mother whom the Creator chose to bear the Lord in her womb was named a blessed and godly wife and mother. Previously in Luke 1:30 she had found favor with God. So, I got all my studying and notes together for this day...only to leave one sheet in my bag as I went up front to speak.

(side note; it's late...I need a snack! While I do that...feel free to listen to the message I delivered that day: Mother's Day 2016-A mother's madness). If you are on a mobile device you will have to download the soundcloud app if you are on a desktop it will take you right to it.

If you listened...you missed the beginning where I actually did kick off my shoes (that part wasn't recorded) because I felt so at home. Nervous and so passionately involved with my personal story that I wanted to deliver a message the best way I could but nonetheless I was comfortable as if I was home. Also if you listened, you are the ones to get to know the secret of the missing page of notes while I'm up there. So, I still believe I'm supposed to deliver as Paul Harvey would say..."the rest of the story".

I totally left out why Mary wasn't a good parent because I didn't have that actual Scripture in front of me, and because of this loss I started adding in other things as I felt led so I didn't stall even more. Each stall I'm concerned with where in the heck is that piece of paper. Can you imagine? I couldn't think straight to remember my main topic was in Luke 2; I could've said in Luke 2 but I didn't and couldn't think like that while trying to keep a congragation engaged.

Luke 2:41-52 Mary and Joseph neglect their son. Neglect happened in my life along with many other attachments issues and wounds. They assume (we know what that does) he's with them when leaving and they travel for an entire day, then search an entire day before returning days later to find him in the temple with the leaders. He was fine, but this just proves even the mother of Jesus can make incomplete thoughts, bad choices, neglect, whatever you want to label it. Dad too for that matter...so can we give ourselves a break? Can we realize that perfection in every area is a lie masked as successful parent?

We have enough to deal with in this life such as; work, cleaning toilets, wiping butts, feeding in wee hours of the night, trying to work in that exercise, dealing with medications, deciding nutritional on nutrition choices, long insurance phone calls, doctor's appts, tax crisis', divorces, papers to fill out, meetings to attend, continuing education, bullying at school, death of family member, when are we gonna find time to soak in the bathtub without disruptions (forget that), when can I just get a shower?, managing our finances, transitioning for our kids whether home, school, or into adult life, and legal battles.Who's got time for listening to the lies that are whispered into our ears...we're failures! I don't...and you don't either. Dust it off and straighten your crown...you are beautiful and relationships can be redeemed.

The list in which I was going to call out all circumstances was also cut short...so I'm going to list them here. If you find yourself on the list; please know I'm saying that prayer in the end over you too. Here they are:

1. You are having infertility issues
2. You have a special needs or medically fragile child/ren
3. You have had an abortion
4. You have given a child up for adoption
5. You have lived thru the death of a child
6. You lost a parent before becoming an adult
7. You are a single parent
8. You have been abused (mentally, emotionally, physically, and sexually)
9. You have a disconnected relationship due to hurts w/ your child or parents
10. You have neglected or have grief in regards to choices you've made in raising your child

Mother's day is not a joyous time of celebration for many. After that service, I had several people men and women alike confront, email, text, FB, and pm me the power of the message that hit home for them...I couldn't believe how being so authentic in my walk would ever be a help to another. You just never know. Find your voice & share...someone needs to hear it.

Through this message and blog I hope that you can find healing for your wounds as you forgive, give to God what you cannot control, and find someone especially if you don't have your mother to celebrate. I look forward to continuing to pray for you. Leave a comment on what circumstances you need prayer...I'll gladly lift that up. Feel free to share and know you are a masterpiece! Let's encourage one another and lift each other up instead of judgmental tear downs. We're all going through something. I'm here for you. Message me on Facebook, follow on twitter...

Hugs & Blessings!
~Yvonne

4 steps to NO MORE FOOD/SWEET Cravings (Step 3)

The pictures/quotes are women driven but this blog is for males as well. I come to find this is one of the most important but a difficult step within the 4 because it supports emotional health. If you've missed out on Step 1 and/or Step 2 make sure and click on those links as they are highlighted.

Step 3 is Support.

We have these little voices that say ohhh one piece will be ok, and I won't have anymore. Yeah right...it never works like that. You know, 1 Pringles chip is impossible or even the serving size of 16 chips were impossible for me. Once you give into the temptation of the first piece, first anything there is an army of excuses for the 2nd and 3rd until it's uncontrollable again. It's a lie. We must have supports in place prior to the event. This support holds us accountable and hopefully one has such in place that will lay the truth out in love; and one is able to receive it when emotionally one may be in denial. Trust the supports.

I was once in several accountability groups and we tried and tested each other. The most beneficial thing I learned from such a group was that you must have multiple layers of steps away from caving. Let me explain this detail. This goes for anything in life that is addicting, toxic, or just something you choose to stay away from. For instance, you have an unhealthy relationship with someone you know you shouldn't, it's not enough just to say you're not going to talk to that person again. If one is emotionally attached, there's a grieving process as one will have felt as though they died. This is a normal process in clearing one's circle of unhealthy relationships. One must have several barriers up to help protect yourself from caving into just calling them up. So first, make a commitment to yourself. Some people have great will power and compete within themselves; this is great, but it's not bullet proof. Next, make a plan of barriers to run into before actually calling, then get some accountability partners to call upon in need. Three or more team members are the best because there will be times those people will not be immediately available when you need them.

Here's example building the plan & barriers to such success. Every time I use this strategy, it works.

1. Commitment to self (make reminders on mirrors, in the car, on your phone, on your fridge even)

2. Ideally get a 3+ accountability/support team with daily interaction even if it's just a smiley face that you have met the goal for the day. I've got a support group for different topics that still happen on a daily basis everyday. These people help keep me on track, love me unconditionally, and are not quiet when I've stepped off track.

3. Find your weaknesses and REMOVE all items from home, car, phone that may tempt. Food, pictures, Facebook; other social media, delete music that reminds, block people, delete contacts from phone, if needed take a social media "fast", break, or vacation especially if the temptation to look them up is your weakness. Drive a different way if you know you'll see them or that restaurant, turn off the TV commercials, etc.

This is exactly what an accountability partner would say.

4. Pray, meditation, yoga, exercise, listen to music, find a therapist whatever it is that helps you connect with self and the best journey forward.

I understand this struggle in a very real way...probably more than you can imagine. Without details, of course, here's the exact subjects that I have had to build and use this plan with; Marriage, emotionally unhealthy relationships, addictions, finances, and well food. I didn't place food in the addictions category because some don't view their struggles as an addiction; so didn't want to leave that as a possibility of denial. I hope this makes sense. This is not easy, it takes full thought into planning the fences, barriers, support, etc.

I'm seriously here to help in anyway I can. If you want more understanding, help in this area, or lacking supports regardless of the topic in which you want to discontinue; I can do that...contact me. There's no charge here for support. Life is a struggle and it's real. This is my passion in life is to help others become the best that they can be. I know sharing your vulnerability and struggles can be embarrassing and hard to admit; I know, I get that, but no judgments here. I've done and seen it all in this journey. Guess what, I fail, fall, and thankfully can say I get back up. It's ok to be human. It's ok to have a bad day that's why we place the barriers so you can trip several times and still not hit rock bottom. These supports give you a ledges
to fall upon without falling into the pit.

It's my hope you find Hope & Support in this blog to push you through to a healthy you!

Blessings
`Yvonne