Confessions of Jealousy/Envy

Eww! Who wants to go there, though we all have at times? I’ve been yet again convicted to write because I am a writer, but (there’s that procrastination word and one that in my book reasons quietly under “failure”) I’ll never have what it takes or even have a listening ear that is impacted, a reader interested enough to read it, no one follows my kind of topics, I’ll never be paid to do it; so why do it? So, what brings up this discussion?

I downloaded an app recently that was suggested by the She Speaks Conference 2015 called First 5. This conference is something that I’ve longed to be a part of or at least go to; hoping to learn what it takes to be “successful” (that word is distorted in my perception of what it really looks like…different for each person I’m assured, but being paid to do it would be the ultimate favor of God). I could never go because I truly cannot afford to go in my current financial place. I have a special needs son that I couldn’t find care for him long enough to attend. All these excuses and the word never can really bring someone down. Can I ever be okay with never getting to attend? Jealousy sets in for those who get to go; and even more if it’s someone I know. :( Pitiful, I can’t celebrate with them due to my own selfishness and pride. 

By downloading this app; I decided I’d actually check out what it had to offer.

Honestly, the reason behind me seeking today’s devotion and what it had to offer was because I have felt a nudge yet again to write; and more confirmations have followed that nudge. I was seeking would God give me a yet another confirmation today through the app? Ohhh did He! Not only confirmation did I get, along came a greater conviction; I pray it brings healing.

Today’s 5 minutes with God is going to take way more than 5 minutes; it’s titled, Wanting What You Have. A lovely quote tops off the page, “Contentment is the key to experiencing success” by Wendy Pope. I almost didn’t read it because its first appearance had nothing to do with me writing. I was so wrong. It had everything to do with my not writing. It’s the very reason I get stuck and then quit. The little but loud phrases that enter my ear stating; I can’t, No one cares, No one will read it or be impacted, You can’t afford to self publish and no publisher is ever going to take you on, your grammar and language skills are not up to par, blah, blah, blah. Who wants that yelling in their ear; not me, so I quit.

After reading the devotion and digging deeper, I found myself processing the “My Moment” question…”Is there someone whose success you envy? How can you begin to celebrate them today?” Then it has a place for you to respond and keep your ideas, thoughts, answers, notes called “My Moments”. My response to that was this, I copied the verse 1 Timothy 6:6-8 (NIV); 6 But godliness with contentment is great gain. 7 For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. 8 But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that.

Envy/jealously has caused me to get stuck and quit especially if others’ success topic is in the same realm of mine (writing, speaking, and women’s ministry). Is there someone, you ask? There’s too many! I know the perception is off because there’s only one me and one of them. We’re all given separate gifts, talents, callings in life to build on and share the encouragement of Christ and all He has to offer. We are to share so we too can be known and to know each other, making a way so we can acknowledge we’re not alone.

I can begin celebrating by first confessing this sin to God, then to someone else so that I may be healed. God help me. I can’t move into what you have in store for me, and now I see clearly why I’ve been stuck. Who knows, my beginnings just might be writing about the celebrations of others? Ohhh that last sentence is deep and hard but came out on paper quicker than I can process it in my head. Yikes! God is good and he has a plan for each of us; including me.

So after typing all that in; a thought…I’ve gotta call one of my accountability partners, Amy Dmyterko, Founder and Speaker of Tell It Ministries and confess. Not only confessing my conviction of the day but also letting her know that she was also one of those that I envied. Yuck! I hated to say it but I knew I had too. So I celebrate her today; you’ll not find another that will make your belly hurt with laughter pains, impact you for a lifetime, and make you jealous. A beautiful woman inside and out; and guess what she makes mistakes too just like us. She’s a woman after Christ and willing to tell it like it is. Kudo’s to you Amy; I’m so happy for where you’ve come, been, gone, but more excited about where God is taking your ministry and you personally. Hugs girl!!

As my story unfolds…May you be encouraged, impacted, or if nothing else entertained by my transparency in the trips, falls, and pit dwellings (ohh wait, and my success’) on my journey of life. I am a writer  (for that very statement I have to give credit to someone who doesn't know me but has been a part of this initial recent convictions to get back to writing due to his email in regards to stating my identity. Thanks Jeff Goins for your encouragement). 

So, with that I will be content because I have food and clothing. :)

 

Disclosure: As always I do have my own dictionary; meaning I make up words, spell them however I like and that’s ok. Forgive my errors for I am just a human no less or better than you. Be Blessed and be thankful you don't have to be one of those whom have to listen to my dictionary of words. Pray for my husband and kids!

Reflection perceptions

This new journey for me moving to Valley Center from Kansas City has really brought an early detection of Freedom. At the end of 2012, I felt like the word "prepare" was given to me as the word of the year for '13. For those whom know me from the city, do know that '13 was a prep year for me. Our family had just finished out of a year's worth of daily chemo for Koda in Jan. '13 and a entire battle with the school system that failed the safety of Koda by him being locked out of school for over an hour, my husband's job had became a bit dysfunctional in kind words that gave us a scare, we were involved in delivering weekly back-snacks for kids whom might not have food for the weekend, my grandma whom adopted me at 14 was facing the horrors of Alzheimer's and depression (which we've now brought down to Wichita with us), we consistently took care of and prayed with a group of homeless people who lived under a bridge, we were challenged on how much we could give away and survive ourselves, we built new support groups, study groups, and challenged discipleship. We built....wait, some conviction here...we didn't do anything but listen to what we felt as if God was asking us to do and only by Him did we do anything. Ok, that's cleared up.

Rick faithfully worked with New Life Family Church's food pantry to load and unload food from Harvester's to feed the average 800 people a month. Food Pantry video (now it's over 1000) These are the public things that were called of us not to mention the "prepare" spiritually, emotionally, and the healing that happened in the quiet background of all of this that I won't share here. (this is Kudos to an awesome God we serve...if you know us personally it's miraculous that we're alive honestly)

Ok, so prepared we got which was then in preparation of a move that has a story of God's perfect details down to the house in which we live right now....now what? The word for the year of 2014 is FREEDOM for me personally, and I'm hoping my entire family and friends will see, grow, and be brought to a place of freedom themselves. What does freedom mean for me? Well it's just now the end of January, and I'll start blogging them.

Freedom of some FEARS: I've carried for a very very long time that are stories within themselves. I kid you not that would bring to a place of paralyzed, and so I will later blog about each of these fears.

Fear #1:

Finding a creative side of me...I painted for the very first time last night at Let's Paint Wichita. Which is the painting above that actually is the reason for today's blog. Reflections I found have quite the differences of perspective from each author, reader, painter, teacher, student, friend, parent, sibling, neighbor, musician, listener, cook, etc by what sense you use to determine that perspective. I know neither of the women on each side of me knew what I was thinking, feeling, or anything else at the time because really each were concerned at getting the appropriate brush, correct color, placing exactly where they were instructed to do so. I noticed that not all were listening to the instructor either just as they should have because of either they were so hyper-focused on perfection or what the girl/guy next to them were saying. 

Quite the observation I must say. Way too fun for me...I soaked up each moment, each level of anxiety, each joke and each sarcastic word said, I felt the fear, anxiety, and the tension of room...which brought me to a place of "you're not alone even among these "been doing this a long time" people". I found no one could perfect the reflection in the water no matter how hard they tried. Reflection always has a distortion to me even in the mirror...see it all goes with what else does the reflection have to share it's story? Lighting, color, clearness of the water/mirror, whatever.

My freedom from this fear is that I had a distorted reflection of my creativity. It's not that expected my paintings to be perfect or anything I create to be but that I created and this fear failed. It no longer has a hold of distortion. I can create, I will create, actually I've been shown through this that I have always been an original creator...in relationships. There's no other me...and that's creative. 

Until the next fear failed is shared...Be you, Be original, and Be!! 

This picture is from (https://www.facebook.com/HeartCenteredRebalancing)

Fear Failed

Who knows what will happen but today...today I am free from the worry of what tomorrow might be or look like or even feel like. I am writing today because it is my way to escape when the weather is blistering cold and I can't get out among the trees, the water, and the breathe life that God has so graciously allowed me to have daily. Whom am I and what is my family that you have brought me this far... 2 Samuel 7:18. I'm honestly in awe of the deliverance in so many areas, but today I am free...free of fear. I'm not saying it will never come again, shoot that wouldn't be reality but in this moment there is peace. Honestly a bit of excitement instead of anxiety is building as I'm facing one of the biggest fears ever in my life directly in it's face. I am stepping out into something one professional told me I couldn't.

There have been many opportunities to do this very thing, but the fear was as if chains after chains with wenches were holding me back. It was fake....it was when I was young, impressionable, and naive that the words "you can't do that" stuck. Then many other relationships, words, and journeys in my life piled on top of that confirmation of  "you can't...you're a failure so don't risk it". I've even recently been given the words from a dear Christian friend whom thought they were being supportive add to this failure thoughts by stating I wasn't trusting God. Fail! The enemy will get your focus off your designed purpose however he can. I was given a what I call a natural gift, and I am now going to step out of fear into "in spite of it". I do mean when I say "I" only by God can I do anything. God gets all the glory.

There's a book to be written behind these 10 fingers just in this one story alone. And no, not right now, I'm not saying what I'm doing...just know that I really went from paralysis into letting my Creator carry me through. His Will will get done no-matter what we fear. :) So for the last several weeks these are just some of the spontaneous things, words, requests, texts, and pictures that have come across my lap personally to confirm my direction is now: step out and change fear to faith with freedom...

I also then received a video link sent to my email...

I'm not listening either :)

So, I realized I'm a dreamer...and my fears came from thinking about failing what could be the end result. But see, I have to stop. Be still in the moment to find what today has for me. I've wasted many days worrying about a tomorrow that isn't promised to me. If I try today, and die tomorrow then I have succeeded because failure wasn't in the "trying it"...failure would be in doing nothing.

Circus animals are trained from the time of infants by chains holding onto their legs. This gives them a boundary in which they come to realize they cannot pass over. So when the elephant then becomes big...it doesn't know that the trainers have unlatched it from the anchor, so this large animal still thinks its being held back and doesn't even try to go past it's boundary. Even though, this monstrous powerhouse could have pulled it's weight and won against such an anchor for a very long time...it's perception and mind has been tricked into thinking it couldn't. Well, I'm a monstrous powerhouse that God has freed for His Glory. I thought I was still stuck, chained, and locked away from being what was already naturally mine to share.

Can't wait to share my destiny. If you're in my personal life then you're part of the story too...how fun! 

Thursday Thoughts

Today I'm thankful for my  inquisitive mind. Tho it seems to never shut down and can be slow at processing, I'm able to read, write, research, study, compare, count the cost and process. I am watching many just follow whatever sounds good, looks good, feels good. Apparently the pain is great and abroad, which explains so many religions, denominations, opinions, and lifestyles. What's everybody looking for or trying to fill that one can't actually think or figure out for themselves? Not enough time? See these are my thoughts, not for you to reply. I don't need answers, I know what I think. I just wonder how many really think or even evaluate why you do what you do or think what you think or believe what you believe? Did someone teach you that? Show you that? Just say it's what you should do? I'm just a curious cat today.

Father or the Father's Stuff?

Today, I sit in wonder and awe of my heavenly Father. After being in this world for 40 years, I have heard a truth today that one should probably hear before deciding to accept and believe in the free gift of salvation, by Jesus Christ alone.

The message is on the story of the prodigal son, but titled the prodigal father. What are the things I hold to a higher standard than my love for God himself? What is the one thing I close my fist on and say "no" this one is mine & I won't and can't give up. Where is my affection? Do I love the Father or the Father's stuff. In complete humiliation and confession, I feel as if I have been hit with a Mack Truck of reality/truth. I have chosen "the stuff" over the actual Father.

I have lied to keep my "stuff", and I have made my stuff considerable a called "blessing" to give an excuse/validation as to having it or wanting it. I was raised this way, with no blame here. I was given stuff as a sign of love. God is love, right? So, I thought in my small mindedness and the believing the lies of the enemy that the stuff was God's love being lavished on me. Now with that said, don't get me wrong, the stuff is the Father's and he does bless us with such things...it's where is my affection, motivation, reasoning behind. Can I accept not driving/going after/consuming the stuff to feel the love of the Father? Can I just love Him?

This particular question is one I am going to have to process. Again, after being hit with a truck...there's some recovery time. God, grant me more truth, more conviction, more correction so that I can know "YOU" better and not just for the pure fact of more "blessings". You have blessed me in an abundance, you have given me a great life to testify of your love, strength, and reality of your Spirit within. May I share that. May that be my drive, to share the wonders of you. May I receive a glorious high of being with you, sharing you, and just being yours. May not another earthly thing fill my desires...may all I want is you. Block my hears from the enemy's fire, stop my feet from walking the paths of desiring small gods, shut my mouth from protecting the desires to lie to get things. Set my heart on fire for your love and presence alone.

I have not known love, I don't know how love works without stuff. Your Spirit must change my mind and heart. I cannot do this alone. Please Father, all I want is to be loved and to be Fathered by one that doesn't want something from me. I have always been a fulfiller of needs for another, especially men. Isn't that what I was created to do; be a fulfiller?

Terrific Telephone Tuesday

It was that for me today. There were calls that had to be made such as dealing with insurance companies and pharmacies, there were auto insurance policy change calls, there were medicine isn't working what are you going to do dr? calls, there were missed calls, there were well Koda has more attendant hours this month so how many would you like this week calls, there was a call from the teacher that said "uhmmm is something going on with Koda's meds because he can't function" calls, there was a call into DCF to leave a message for an application for elderly medical assistant calls, there was return phone calls to be made, there was a very special connecting and building new relationship call. Then there are the calls I'm not returning because I have to get some other things done today. Yikes...if you're reading this and you didn't get a return call; forgive me!

Priorities are relationships and the first one would be my marriage, so I need to finish my helpmate chores. :)

Blessings to you all & Have a terrific Tuesday

Merciful Monday

Well...I made it through. I didn't crack, but I'll be honest I have no idea how ( I know it was only by God's strength). I am in awe today of the trial of temptation that went on, and have had a few thoughts but no cravings since yesterday. I think my husband affirming the decision to either do it or shut up...was probably a big one. No he didn't say those exact words but it was to the point. For this day I have succeeded. For that I know I have been shown mercy. Thank you to all who realize how big of a deal this really was. I am now on to new adventures and steps in my story.

Concluded for today...I'm gonna choose to love my life while in the valley. :)

You'll get through what you're going through too if you know whom to trust in. (hint: not yourself)

And yet another confirmation just so happens to be in my verse of the day:

Monday 10/28/2013 "Lord, help!" they cried in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He calmed the storm to a whisper and stilled the waves. ~ Psalm 107:28-29, NLT

Smoking Temptation beyond human strength in the Valley

Thank God, I have went through enough recovery, counseling, and support groups that I know...I NEED people to support me through times of trouble. I am strong enough in the Lord to say I am weak. I've been really weak for a long time but didn't realize it until given this time in the Valley. When I say valley...I'm literal. We just moved to Valley Center, KS the first part of August.

This isn't the time to go through all that has went on (that's part of the whole story to be written some day...if only in my journals), but I will say today was the end of the rope. I quit smoking in July 2010. I was so excited to have quit. I could smell, taste, and especially breathe like never before. (ohhh, there I go; I need to remember why it was so wonderful to quit) I have been battling the temptation for a cigarette for quite a while probably since late Spring on a consistent basis.

Since we moved to Valley...the emotions of leaving all that was "known" of me, by me, and all about me pretty much went into a hibernation/isolation period. I was faking my functions...only getting by doing the necessary things to survive. Then, someone gave me a phrase "thriving not surviving" which struck a cord in the back of my mind so I hung on to it; not knowing where it was going to take me. Guess what, I don't know who I really am or want to be when I grow up outside of being Koda's advocate, a mom, and wife. I have forgotten all my dreams, drives, and the determinations that I had in history before they got thrown to the way side some time ago. Actually I don't know that I had my own dreams or drives but other peoples whom I either wanted to impress, accept  me, or just plain love me. Love drives a person into the unknown sometimes but crazy behaviors to be satisfied. (Again, a whole bunch more stories not for today).

To break it all down, I'm craving a cigarette like no other today. I drove by 20 gas stations throughout my time running errands today; assured I would pull off at the next one to buy a pack. I honestly couldn't do it...I couldn't physically do it; something else would distract me to look another way, I'd need to go into another lane so I could pass, or the final one was; I needed to stop at the store to get some chips so that took me down another street instead of the exit I would have took next. Apparently it was something stronger than me that got me by, so here's where I give God all the glory. In my weakness, He is strong.

Now how funny, but my verse of the day was this:

Friday 10/25/2013 God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. ~ 1 Corinthians 10:13, NLT I was literally yelling at God that He was not fair! I really felt as if I couldn't bear this temptation any longer...it's exactly 5:00pm and so far I didn't buy one. I knew enough to at least text out that I was in distress today; thankful for so many. Some supports were encouraging by agreeing, sarcasm, serious "NO", some were willing to come over until I got through it (LOL, I laughed and said, "well, you'll just have to move in then because this temptation goes on daily), then I had one call me. That one phone call made me realize that I've been walking around most of my life with the fear of success. I thought it was the fear of rejection and more failure; which, yes I do tend to withdraw from things if I think that could happen. But the reality is, the fear of success outweighs the other fears. Can I say this doesn't "feel" too good to admit, but it's eye opening! It has me stepping out to admit that I do have fears and I'm no longer going to deny it. I have great supports whether they are right here with me or off in a distance. To finish this day all off, I will admit I don't know if I'll pick up another cigarette or not. If I do, I am no less of a person that is loved by many. I am not any less loved by God either. Now that my friends, is one thing that a lot of people don't know. With that I'm successful. Thank you to each one that is part of this story today; you know who you are!! God thought it was funny that he should send the FedEx man to deliver a package to me after this acknowledgement of fear. In the package...came a book; You'll Get Through This by Max Lucado. For those of you who know my story about "new life"...that picture on the front of the book says it all to me. God cares for "me" and he is watching and knows everything about me enough to put a cover on a book just for me. New Life in the Valley. Have a great weekend!

Whata Wednesday

Alzheimer's, ADHD, Asperger's, and life...how is one suppose to do the "right" thing?

Fickle Feelings Friday

On a journey of emotions...when I was given the word "prepare" at the end of 2012 then again on the first day of the year "new";both from Scriptures; I didn't know how much I was really going to have to prepare for. Now just a bit of a list that would state some of the obvious new and in need of preparation; would be...

1. How to handle a major school district's multiple irresponsible actions
2. Deciding on a new study for the women's group to not only build relationships by communication but also sound biblical doctrine for maturity/growth.
3. Studying the story of Gideon (sometimes you really must look at each word and ask God what it means for you :) Quite the discovery of who you are in Him and the power of prayer).
4. Deciding to take a new job
5. Deciding to move/where to move and all the financial stuff that goes with that.
6. Trusting God in it all
7. Deciding to home school or return to a traditional classroom
8. Deciding on pet placements
9. Deciding on attitudes (now can I just say this is a daily, minute by minute prep and choice), I'd rather make it easy; blame and remove myself from the situation.
10. Deciding that some things really are out of my control and until I really am suppose to do something about it; enjoying my life.
11. Allowing time to honestly grieve, but then to have the courage to trust God that He has great plans for me.

Isa. 43:18-19 says, "Do not call the mind the former things, or ponder things of the past. Behold, I will do something new, now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it? I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, rivers in the desert."

Isa. 38:12 says, "Like a shepherd's tent my dwelling is pulled up and removed from me."

Jer. 29:11 says, "For I know the plans that I have for you...to give you a future and a hope."

Deut. 31:8 says, "The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you, He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

For each of the seasons' in which I have changed either location, position, etc I have learned from each of them a fabulous skill, acquired a tool, made a lasting relationship, or learned a "big" lesson. So, I cannot be upset for when it seems that I have walked 5 steps and fell back 3...I still have "GAINED" 2 steps.

Today's fickle feelings are my reality for only a moment to be gone with tomorrow's storm; choosing to set it aside so I can smell the roses that are in bloom today.

Blessings!!!

Twisted Tuesday

I'm just not sure how in a moment a life can change so dramatically. Mine is under a bit of chaos all by one phone call. I can't go into details now, but I pray that some clarity and peace that surpasses all understanding becomes an atmosphere for our family soon.

Monday Mounds

The laundry is in mounds but at least separated. Now that our home school day is done and I'm feeling successful today; on to the house work. The hubby texts and states I need to go get him some meds because he isn't feeling so good. :( Sore throat, cough...yuck; we don't need that right now especially when it's summer and no insurance until the new benefits start in December. We had a confirmation that we will be traveling to El Dorado for church every Sunday...I am asking God for clarification on that. I always do unfortunately I don't just "trust" anything/one. I do know one thing when my husband tells me to write out the tithe check when we're in the middle of service, there's something very spiritual going on with him and God; and that I do trust. :) I love being married to a man whom tries so hard to let God lead in every area. For that I am giving mounds of thanks. Blessings!!

Fantastic Friday

After a move to a new place in a new town, and waiting anxiously for that first paycheck...the day has arrived. Going from a weekly budget to a new bi-weekly one is going to not only take a bit of time to adjust too; it will, challenge us to save it for more than 7 days. :) Yeah, no one ever said we were financial experts, but I've learned one fantastic thing...God always always always provides when we are faithful to put Him first including with our finances.

The hubby just text me with the amount he's depositing today...and WOW; is all I can say! :D Thank you God for always being faithful, and Thank you for allowing my husband to desire a wife whom stays home to put her God and family first. Today home school was a much better day...I'm looking forward to the rest of what God does for us today; stop and smell the flowers today :D

Home school works best too if the first subject of the day is God. Have a Fantastic Friday!

Thriving Thursday

...I wish that was really the truth. It should say Truth Thursday as the title. I only wondered about "starting" a blog on Wednesday...sorry :(

With that said we tackled the first day of home school today, but without all the curriculum, well; failed. Koda doesn't realize it was a "non-successful" day at school. So, have I again really gotten myself in too deep? When I printed out the lesson (because I'm still one of those that must have a book in hand and the ability to write and highlight), I about died at the length of only one lesson. I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!

I'm sure my tone, emotions, and thoughts will change around; but, when???? Soon, I hope. For those of you whom believe in the power of prayer...I need them NOW!!! Happy Days!

Trusting Tuesday

First Day of Trusting definitely was in my mind today as we started home school today. We made a trip to Andover eCademy (yes, spelling is correct) to get orientation on the technological stuff and let Koda get in some socializing with other home schooled students. Their theme today was the awesome Caribbean: they made flip flops, passports, and sea life. Koda was a jelly fish. I also attended a funeral for a dear friend's mother whom passed away this week. I must say this home school thing is not something new for us, but it's been a year; and I have to trust God that He will help all of us through. :)

Merciful Monday

Well, not sure what has happened re: losing time blogging but I'm blessed by God whom is full of Mercy. I'm back. Boy, do I have some catching up to do. If you don't already know, I've got a magnificent story of direction, grace, and about the study of Gideon. Please stay tuned; while I get back into the swing of things. I'm in a new location, new house, new neighborhood, new mindset, new occupation, and a new hope as I'm looking for a new church.

~Live Out Loud Authentically

Lightening flash gone 2012

Well that's exactly what happened to this girl; I wrote the blog for '11 and then in a flash '12 was gone & '13 is here...ohhh and '13 comes in with a big ol' bang! Bring on the word "Prepare". This is a word only I can understand at this point. I'm thanking God it was a word given to me before the year ended so I was already preparing for anything to come. Stand firm with full armor on with only the strength of something stonger than me though is only that will get me through regardless if it's going to be all positive or negative.

This I will say...broken as I have been...I've been mended. Perfectly done...nope, and I've found that there is value in the the things that aren't so perfect looking or beautifully illustrated by the painter's hand. Art, Value, is each our own descriptive perception of it. One man's trash is another man's treasure...and that is fact my friend.

What a Year 2011 has been...

Jan: Lost in the world of emotional attachment & loving all the weight I had lost at this point from the surgery.

Feb: Started a tug-a-war work with God, but of course He won. Joined a bible study by John Ortberg. Took Koda to see Dr. Gutmann for the first time in St. Louis @ NF Clinic. Hubby gettin better with age :) Missing my mom; it was 6 years since a car wreck tragically took her life. :(

March: Wow, made some complete decisions to Quit living the lie & searched the Truth: joined a group.     Transitioned Koda from home school to John Fiske Elementary. Time to focus on me a bit. Walking!!!

April: Learned what a boundary was & then started placing them on purpose :) Healthy relationships grew! Joined a new church that feeds my soul.

May: My oldest daughter graduated, making me feel pretty dang old; and my baby boy turned 6.

June: Well I hated coming into my thirties; but now I'm starting on that journey out as I turned 38. White hairs! Do a Beth Moore Bible Study w/ CCC. Celebrated 8 years of marriage.

July: Summer is here, my youngest daughter finally gets a car; no longer taxi :D I start getting lazy. Became a Thirty-One Consultant...gotta love bags! Happy 82nd birthday to Grandma Lola & 60th to Uncle Basil.

August: School starts; routines begin; homework, IEP's and a chaotic mess when it comes to meds; Focus on Koda full force now. Holly is a Senior!! Another graduation coming up. Happy 19th birthday to Halie.

September: Struggled with meds, Forget about self trying to figure out how to best help Koda. Ricky & I join a marriage group; Yay...love our group!! Happy 18th birthday to Holly.

October: Koda fails hearing/vision test at school, Koda gets glasses for astigmatism, abnormal optics send us back for MRI.

November: Koda's plexiform neurofibroma has grown, Koda has a new brain tumor. Devastated for a moment! I have all the kids for Thanksgiving. Watch plaza lighting with kids. Missing my mother-in-law; it has been one year since she decided she wanted to go home.

December: Holly ACT scores 27 :D, ADHD meds finally get settled, 3 denials for chemo coverage; then approved on Christmas Eve. Koda starts chemo (Gleevac). Holly goes to visit her dad & family. We spent Christmas with Mrs. Hottie Patoddie (Aunt Marilyn) & Family. Halie brings Holly home & we celebrate Christmas again on New Years Eve :D.

A special thank you to all of you that have been personally involved in our life this year. Thank you for caring enough to step out of your own lives unselfishly to bless ours. Your outpouring of time, talent, finances, and hearts have forever impacted ours. We love you!! Because of you...


I'm simply Lola; Living Out Loud Authentically by Leaning On Lord Almighty.


The healing has begun...


Blessings & Happy New Year,
Lola Yvonne

A new tumor (brain glioma)...

and growth of the plexiform neurofibroma sends us down a new journey of chemo. Koda's update. Please sign his guestbook.

Ohh Pitiful me...

is what I use to say as I have looked homelessness in the face, I have been in a place of my life when I didn't have a bed, I have known a lot of people and never had a "friend", I have been in the pits of darkness, loss, and despair. I have been by the bedside of my loved ones whom took their last breath, I have been forced to do things I would have never chose on my own, I had to grow up fatherless, I have children with medical/health/development/behavioral issues, I have lost my mother at a young age, I have been through a divorce, I have done and seen way more than I would ever ask anyone to even image. But because of these things; I can say "I understand" when there is another one in that place, I can comfort with words of experience, I can encourage when there is no hope, I can just listen when they need to tell someone, I can embrace when they need to cry. There's healing in relationships of being known. I've healed because God has so gracely placed such people in my life. For this I am so eternally grateful.

...for the little things, but some of the most important things; a roof, a bed, blankets, and the things money can't buy; like true friendship when you need a bed...they bring you one. I've got to experience that a lot lately. More than I want really but am so thankful. Through people being the hands and feet of Jesus I have a desire to know Him better. It's because of Him that we have anything good. I have gifted, energetic, creative, and amazing children, I have a simple home with all the love in the world, I have Jesus in my heart, and I have a husband who loves me, provides to the uttermost, and just plain likes me. I have a Heavenly Father, I'm no longer in a pit of despair, I have a mother awaiting me in Heaven, I chose to do things now that make a difference in the world, I see things in a different view, I walk hand to heart with people into the unimaginable, I help deliver backpacks of food for children in need, I have a lot of friends, I can sit and be quiet when I really want to shout, I can help comfort the dying to a place they really want to go, I see the light daily, and I'm thankful that He has made it so clear through the windows of our eyes if we'll just open them and take off the glasses of lies. We are without excuse the Bible tells us...

"For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse."
Romans 1:19-21
 
Thankful...for my vision, health, limbs, ability to move, speak, hear, and most of all live in the freedom to express my love for Jesus; and all He has done for me! Are you thankful?