Life doesn't stop...

...even though it seems like it should at least for a little while, right? Especially when we have just been hit with another or maybe just the first "diagnosis, lay-off, let go, you're pregnant, just got engaged, got a job, a birth, now homeless, a graduation, promotion, or death is knocking". Just for a moment don't we want just one person to stop for a moment; embrace us & let us know that we're known. We just want someone to acknowledge we exist, our words matter, and we are loved by someone.

Do you see/hear the pain or the excitement in that co-worker, neighbor, spouse, homeless on the corner, family member, friend or acquaintance; or are we all just a little too busy with what's going on with us? I had a YIPPEE, Praise the Lord moment today because I have a family member with an incurable cancer & she got good news today. No, it wasn't that a cure had been found, but that this cancer has not reduced her living. I appreciated that phone call; first that she took the time just to call me right out of the doctor's visit, and second that she felt able to share. I have known times in my life when there wasn't anyone to share my celebrations or sadness with. Thank God that I know that there is a purpose to my life outside of myself.

The struggles of everyday life sometimes gets us so caught up that the days fly by, and I ask, "where did last month go"? Another friend of mine took the time to share a quote with me, thank you friend! The quote is: "I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it." Maya Angelou Ohhh believe me, not in my own power did I agree with this quote, but by the Grace of God! Life has thrown me a few struggles that many have no clue, and will never know unless walked in my shoes. God forbid! I use to think, if anyone ever knew the "real me"...I would never be accepted or loved. I was wrong! The relationships that have recently came to be in my life are the healthiest of friendships, support, and love that I have ever seen. I have also found that the toughest of friendships have been the best teacher yet.


May you have some grace & be humbled enough to take the time to listen, so when someone else' life stops for a moment you may be the only listening ear, caring hand, loving hug. Life doesn't stop, so lets' all not take advantage of the life we've been given. 

It's been awhile...

...since I've blogged. I've kept it all up on paper though because I'd go crazy if I didn't write. We've been through some stuff lately, and I'll share some here. Updates on everyone that is. I want to thank everyone with the encouraging words to get back to blogging. I really felt moved that my words have made a difference in my readers lives.

1. Ms. Halie as she is still living with Joey in Arkansas, and working at KFC. I miss her greatly, the last time I seen her was in May at her HS graduation.

2. Ms. Holly well the big 18th birthday is coming up on the 17th, and well it's her Senior year in HS, but is in college classes more than HS classes. No complaints here, she has a big load this year with working a part-time job too. Her & Wyatt "Bongo" are still dating, it's been over a year now.

3. Mr. Rick has changed over to driving a commercial route instead of being the mechanic of those big trucks. He was losing hours doing the other, and with him being the "Bacon" so I can have a flexible schedule to take care of the medical needs around here.

4. Mr. Koda has started the 1st grade. I'm so glad we started the transition into public school last year with all his issues; because I know we would be a long way from him getting the services needed for a successful school year had we not. We are about to have an IEP meeting soon, we actually may have to drop the IEP & be an OHI instead; but all is well as long as services are provided. For those of you who don't know those terms (IEP...Individualized Education Plan) (OHI ...Other Health Impairments). These terms are labeled on kids with specialized education settings, services, etc. such as Occupational Therapy, Speech, Physical Therapy, Paraprofessional help, etc. The year has started very well so far, and I look forward to working with the team.

Koda recently has been to the ophthalmologist & ENT the last two weeks. Koda is now wearing glasses due to a strong astigmatism. In that check up they found abnormal optic nerves and orbits...so here we go again MRI. The story of Koda's life will be these MRI's to confirm tumors and their growth. They want to rule out there being a optic glioma which is a common type of tumor in those living with NF. This MRI which will be of the brain, optics, and neck so they can check the tumor in which he already has for growth. We're looking at that the first week of Nov. The ENT visit was fun for Koda as the doc tickled his ear to get the tube that was just hanging by wax out. He lost the other tube within the last year. Koda failed his hearing test so if the fluids don't clear up by 7 weeks of breathing treatments for the ears, and medication he will be having surgery again to replace the ear tubes. This will be scheduled around the end of the year.

5. Last but not least, me, I'm working on Me! I have taken since February this year & devoted myself to finding out what God has planned for me, and the steps to fulfill that. You will see more about that in blogs to come, especially now that the kids are back in school. :) This weather rocks!!

Transition

My transition

The journal.........

As I wrote in my journal today; I asked why? Why do I journal? My journal is everything to me, it’s my life on paper; my every thought, desire, light bulb moments, goals,…………  I’m in too deep……but I keep going back for more; save me!  I really think that I am being truthful when I say I am emotionally devoted to getting my story out to the world that deeply hides the very same secrets, desires, and experiences in life. I have always known I was supposed to write a book; what type of book…….never really knew.  It’s becoming very clear to me today that I have been led down a path of deliverance that has brought healing through such writing. I may not even have a thought when I start, but I start even if it’s with what I had for breakfast; then it just rolls off the fingers.

I don’t know even where to start on getting a book published, so that’s one of the excuses of why I never did it. I have found so much happiness in life and who I am through these writings; who knows, maybe this is really my “purpose” in this world. I’ll never know if I don’t try, right? I always thought it was to interpret for my deaf mother, or help my grandma think through things and be the only one who seemed to care about her, to be at the beck and call of some man, to mother my three children…………….Wait, what about me?
Ohhh that sounded selfish! I can’t do that, it’s not right to think about me when I still have so much to do for everyone else. I can no longer interpret for my mother, she’s no longer with me; but hearing all the beautiful sounds of heaven. I am no longer “needed” to take care of granny because she now lives with my uncle, and she has “forgotten” so much that there are days that no one else exists in her life but him. I am no longer being at some man’s beck and call because I’m not with a person that requires that of me any longer. I will always be a mother, and that job really never ends just the job duties as they age.

All the stuff I have to do: really is only Motherhood, and it doesn’t require my every moment; though it sometimes feels like it. How I can be the best for everyone else if I can’t be the best me. I can’t be the best me if I’m depressed, fatigued, and so busy doing ……..and if I’m not the best me how can I be the best at what I do. I do desire being the best in every area of my life. No I’m not a perfectionist, and I realize that I cannot be the best at everything. I have desires that I want to fulfill.  Why shouldn’t I be able to do it; it is my life, isn’t it? Why have I been brought up in this world to think that living by giving to everyone and not taking myself into consideration is the way to “leave my legacy”? Who taught me that? Was such teaching by example; now that I write it down……….it was. The very people who taught me that are/were unhappy, alone, no one comes to see them, gave everything and have nothing, lost a sense of reality…….why would I want to end up that way.

Why? No! I refuse to end up that way………life is too short! I have some more changes to make……..it seems to never stop. It’s autumn now……….another season in my life; I really like it today because its full of vibrant rich colors! I am happy! Without my journal I don’t think I would ever figure a lot of my life out the way that I have. I have found freedom in my writing even though no one may read it, but they do read it. I have got many emails from people stating they feel the very same way, and I have been thanked for showing such subjects in another light. There is a reason for it all…………and I am full of emotions right now about the exciting new seasons coming my way.

Can’t wait to share it with you! I’ve always wondered why I would lay awake at night running so many thoughts through my head; it was “time to journal”. There is a time for many things in life; cry, laugh, dance, ……..it’s best said: Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
1For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
2A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
3A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
4A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
5A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
6A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
7A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
8A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
………………..and now my journal has helped me realize there is a “time for me”! Enjoy Life!

A deep love........

A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her.

A Father figure...........

You don't want to miss this story; I have moved everything for a time being to another site; trying it out.......please don't stop reading!

www.freeconscience.wordpress.com

Love you all!

Confirmation of the obvious...........

has been right in front of me the whole time. The directions we take are always right there, but then we have to decide which way to go. I sometimes miss the direction due to my own anxiousness, determination, and desires. When Koda was originally diagnosed with NF (Neurofibromatosis), I was anxious of the unknown. Looking to the easiest access which would be the Internet at the time. I was devastated with what images and stories I came across. Yes, NF can cause such dramatic effects & I know now some very special people with some of the worst stories. I am so thankful that I was connected to the right organization thru my local Neurologist to help me find the most helpful doctors right from the beginning. I won't go into the whole story at the beginning, but one of those times I was personally referred by two different people to Dr. Gutmann in St. Louis @ St. Louis Children's Hospital. Due to not wanting to wait until I could get in, I took the hospital (Cardinal Gleenon Children's Hospital in St. Louis) that could get me in first. They have an NF clinic and was listed on the referral list too. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in any way having ill feelings to the NF clinic @ CGCH. 

We just had a "Ask the Doc" conference at KU Med Center on Saturday which Dr. Gutmann was one of the guest speakers. I was so impressed with the answers he was able to provide, and he is looking at a "new" way to treat NF.......for one it's a whole team totally constantly communicating to give the best care for their patients. I've had some communication issues, and its frustrating when you live 4 hours away. The point of all this is really.........time is valuable and sometimes you really do have to wait! Wait! Wait! and Wait! Its ok to wait, because the best comes out of it. If nothing else wisdom is built while waiting. I was really excited to have an actual scientific doctor talk with me about a natural approach to NF as well. Waiting has educated me in the realm of NF too, so now I know how to better prepare myself before an appointment with such a doctor that seems to give it to you pretty direct & if he doesn't know he says so. Love that.

Don't miss your path of opportunity.....................its right in front of you, and you have a decision; sometimes its to wait until you actually see the path. If you get off though...........you can always get back on the right track. I'm turning around, and pushing through w/ power and determination!

A medical rage...........

 ........is what was brewing in the very pit of my being Monday. We had made another trip to St. Louis just two weeks prior to meet w/ our NF medical team. After being told that Koda's tumor has grown in the trachea area, the doc didn't want to "wait & watch" any longer. He asked us to please see the oncologist within their facility to start or at least discuss the next medicine Koda would be taking to at least stabilize the growth if not shrink it. So in-fact we did; made another appointment/trip to St. Louis to do this very thing. 

I won't go into all the rage of thoughts and emotions this mom had.......there really is no point; because anger doesn't solve anything. The rage didn't make anything else happen, it really didn't do anything for myself or Koda except make for a very upsetting ride home. I was planning on venting here about how no one really knows in the medical field it's just an educated guess.........and I don't know that they really care it's just money in their pocket; you know the same reason we all go to work.......money. Well that was another rage was the money we had put out in traveling, eating, co-pays, etc to make this trip. That money vary well could have been our grocery money for the week, or a gas money to get to work for the next couple weeks.......not only setting us behind but putting Koda out of his "schedule" which is so very important to keep. One day off makes for a whole week off for him. Just some of the thoughts that ran through my brain at the time. 

The appointment was just a pure waste of time, the doctor not only had not had time to review his MRI results, but had not even looked at his file until 5 mins before. She stated "he looks good, so I don't see why he would need to have any meds"..............that's all fine with me too if he doesn't need them, or no chance of helping then I don't want him on any unnecessary medications especially with the side effects that most of these meds have. BUT............didn't you just say you didn't have time to look at his file or the MRI; how do you know by looking at him? Now, I laugh.......it's ok; because I needed this time to sort some things out myself:

Koda has been allowed to be diagnosed w/ NF & this large plexiform neurofibroma for a reason......whether I like it or not; so where do we go & how do we go about it now. The doc stated she would "try" and put Koda on this Thursday's Tumor Conference (today). Wow, they have tumor conferences.......to bounce off of each other what the best educated guess is (like on the TV show "House"). Some of the most educated people right now are flipping burgers due to the economy...........multiple degrees, etc; so are these people that I have been taking him to really the ones that are suppose to be directing us at all? That's the question I have now.

We have the right & should question everything when it comes to our kids! I'm doing that..........so just in the right moment of it all; the clinical scientist, doctor and director for Washington University's NF Center, which is the world's largest research center for NF is coming to KC for a "ask the doc" conference this Saturday. He actually works at St. Louis Children's hospital; probably where I should have been going to begin with. YES, I'm going to the conference! So instead of being angry, I decided to look at this as glass half full......because my very answer may just be at that conference this weekend. Maybe Koda doesn't need to be on these meds at all, maybe just maybe he's suppose to end up with a trach, be on a breathing machine, be on a feeding tube.........just maybe he is. Ohhhh don't doubt for a second that I don't believe in miracles & have faith in a very powerful God & prayers...........but sometimes He allows these things to happen for the good. Really, I've seen it first hand! Am I going to stop doing anything for Koda & just let it happen like that.......NO I'm not stupid and heartless! I don't want for any bad thing to happen to any of my kids, but I need to face the reality of life as well & of this disorder. Koda isn't go to die, but he may have to face many trials along the way as so many of us do. We without anger, as parents, just need to be there to guide him in the best way possible, and with all the prayers do everything we can to make him be the best he can be.

...........is still something that touches every nerve I have, but anger doesn't solve it! Love does! 

Different outlook on life............

............after having a child w/ Cerebral Palsy and another with NF, ADHD, RLS, and PLMD. I also believe in Karma, I thought people stating kids/adults w/ all these alphabet diseases were in some type of hypochondriac disorder themselves. Then, I was faced w/ our precious Koda...........the flying monkey, bull in a china closet, can not sit down or still for "one" moment, chaos. :) I can smile about it now, but I was rather slapped in the face that these "Alphabet diseases" are real; well real in the sense that the medical world has given a name for such behaviors. Such disorders are not fun, they take work & strong interpersonal skills to deal with such an active body. You don't really get it, becuz that's not how you are..........

I was once told by another w/ ADD that the brain is like walking into a electronics department w/ all the TV's (you know like 100 tv's on in one place) being on different channels......and you want to be involved & look at all of them; you like all of them; my mind blows trying to have two conversations let alone trying to think about, be involved in, and liking each and every one of those "actions" going on.

I've also been told, he's a boy........he's supposed to be rowdy, running, etc. Yep, he sure is; but not to the point he hurts himself & others w/o any comprehension of doing such. When he jumps on every chair in the lobby and no discipline, attention, direction works; becuz he can only think about all those things in his head at once plus getting in trouble. Its like the he is the tv, and the remote is stuck on channel up/down back/forth constantly.........and my words of direction are in there somewhere but he can't stop on it long enough to think about the consequences let alone care. I saw the results of his brain activity........well it's the best and fastest ping pong game ever and never ending.

As I posted on Facebook though, I really have decided that Koda has a diagnoses of creative energy......its ok that the medical world wants to call it ADHD, so they can have a reason to prescribe drugs to make "themselves some $$ bonuses from the pharmaceutical companies", and make our kids get to the point "the world calls normal behavior".

Its all ok, but really every bad can be used for good! I believe things happen for a reason! I'm not saying that medication, docs, pharmacies, etc are not needed; they are needed and they have their place.

Koda is medicated for his creative energy, but not w/ stimulants like most that "alter the behaviors, spirit, natural given personality of a child".

If everyone sits down & is always quite.............what a boring world this would be. I know these types of people can drive others crazy; but it's ok! Its ok to be different, and "not normal"........who decides that anyway? Who would run the marathons for fundraising efforts such as NF, Cancer, etc.  or happen to be in the right place to save someones life........without such energy. We need people who are multi-thinkers on a dime, so decisions can be made at the last minute: for example, we need to save our country? I'm not making excuses or cover-ups to make myself feel better about having a child with such issues......but I am standing up for the spirit, personality, and/or natural nature of who we are inside & most of the purpose of what we are to become.

I never heard of public school homeschooling...........or virtual public school, well I knew that to get Koda out of "the troubled child" stage at school we had to do something or his spirit would be weakened if not totally crushed by no, stop, that's not right, wrong, sit down (when he can't), because he would be considered different, slow, special ed.......it's all ok, becuz we decided to home school him this year. I couldn't afford at the time to do a Christian based home schooling due to all the costs of supplies, etc. Plus with him being in a brick & mortar preschool last year; they did set up an IEP (Individual Education Plan); so he will continue to get services (therapy, etc), thru the school district.

We are one week in, and I am smiling at the progress........I am enjoying my child! I was concerned w/ the social skills he would need; but there are a great group of leaders, seasoned moms, etc....and even new ones; ready to get our kids together often to play. Matters of fact, we have our 2nd group play date tomorrow........he has looked forward to it all week & worked hard! I have more energy......wow it takes a lot to get a long drawn out boring story to be interesting to a boy that could care less; but we act out our books.......pics will be posted soon. Truly enjoying my relationship as his learning coach, and allowing him to be just what he is supposed to be.............FULL of LIFE!

A different outlook on life.............You have a purpose ......I'm positive it's all ok, and different is good!

So many thoughts............

as I laid my head down to sleep last night. I had all the words & was reciting them as to my new blog for today. Guess what, can't think of one of those fabulous words. I think & write much better when everyone is sleeping or gone........time alone doesn't happen much. I've started a new journey & think I need to use my other blog page to share the journey w/ others. For those of you that don't know, I'm having the Gastric Sleeve procedure done in October. I was supposed to have the Gastric Bypass procedure done this last April, but my insurance company put in a new stipulation; 6 months of dr supervised diet. Well I just went for my 3rd one yesterday & am very motivated in my new life of food & living. I've lost 20 lbs in 8 weeks, not counting a few before this journey began. I believe the new insurance requirement gave me a new insight to the other options @ one of the support groups. So if you are interested in this journey it will be posted at http://www.free-conscience.blogspot.com/, come follow if you like.......................many pounds will be lost! :o)

I'm back..........

@ being an at home mommy. So, it's been a week since I've been home full time and daily I can't wait to get back to blogging! It will take me a bit to get back into the groove of finding the time & scheduling such time appropiately. I have to refresh myself w/ the site again, etc. Talk to you all soon...................and I am happy!

Snow................

I'm tired of it already~ I love it when it comes, covers, and melts by the next day. Ok, I'm starting a new job tomorrow and it's still snowing! Am I complaining, no just wanting to vent about the weather's decision to make my first day of work a challenge. I love a good challenge; so God help me to face this challenge with safety and sense. LOL that is where the true challenge is; me having sense :o)! Happy New Year everybody!..........its still falling.

About to die...........

..........does anyone notice? You know we all have our issues, and all we want is someone to be there for us. Someone who really cares about us, and wants the best for us. We go about our days busy as can be, running errands, cleaning house, doing dishes, going to work, waiting in traffic, and then get cut off from another driver or the bill collector calls; do they not understand today is the day that "you fill in the blank" happened. My kid just got diagnosed with cancer, my loved one died, I lost my job, I have no groceries, my spouse just cheated on me, I live in a tent in the woods, My dad just hit me, I'm going thru a divorce, and on and on and on. Does anyone notice?????

Compassion for our neighbors, family, friends, and the stranger that you just cut off, ignored, laughed at, or just didn't pray for today because we're too caught up in our own issues. Everybody has them, and none of us are exempt from them. How we choose to deal with it though is the difference. I often can get caught up in my own issues and wonder "don't you understand my son may not make it thru his teenage years; there's no cure or treatment for NF". "Don't you understand, we don't have any food in the fridge and I had to go to the food pantry for the first time in my life; I need a job"............all of this only to strengthen me for what is about to come. I have been granted and allowed to be in this very family to build my faith, strength, courage and most of all love for others. I have endured and will be challenged with more; as God see's fit. A reward, compliment, promotion, or whatever you want to call it; but God must think I'm "able and good enough" to take it on.

I don't like it sometimes. It's much easier to crawl back under the covers and not face any of it. Its easy being depressed; I can excuse it, not worry about it, throw it off to the side; but then it drains all of my energy to be depressed; now it's too hard. I just want to be happy! Ok, I have a choice; it's not everyone else's job to make me happy. I need to find my happiness in another form than from the people in my life........where do you find yours? Most people really are selfish, and only care about their own lives.......really!

My eyes were opened when I saw the tent in the woods; on a sub zero degree day. A man  (I'm going to call Jesus) only in a fleece jacket walks from a McDonald's dumpster across the street thru the field and into the balding trees to his now called home. A tent. How long has he had to live there? Is he warm enough? How many are there with him? How did he get to this place in his life? When's the last time he got to take a bath?What else might be wrong? Does he need a doctor? Is he starving? So many questions in the blink of my eye while I ride in my warm van that I gripe about needing to get rid of  on the way back to my warm house with running water, etc. But see, Jesus was thankful; he had shelter, food, and clothing.

Does he not have any friends or family? Then I thought; if I got to a place where I didn't have a home, would I ask someone? Would I really be able to tell them? No, really would you be able? Its not a question of pride as much as it is; are there people that really care enough not to care to help take care of you until you can do it on your own again? People don't want to be bothered, or their finances tightened to really help out. Thoughts to ponder........when you think you're about to die in your circumstance..............

Ok God, what is my purpose; and why did I see this picture?  That's between me and God and I do not need to share; but I ask you........when you think you are about to die in your situation; just look and behold another life; and be thankful, giving, and most of all in prayer that you can help someone out of that place that they are in or add to what they have/need. Why are we so busy that we just pass everyone by? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!

Dark cloud................

There's been a dark cloud around us for awhile lately and I've not been writing. I don't know when I will be back into the groove of things again to blog. Too many deaths and diagnosis' happening that are very close to our family. Please keep the families of these people listed as they have either been promoted to heaven, recently diagnosed with cancer, or have other tragic health issues:

Luke Wallace (Friend's 4 yr old boy w/ NF and found cancer cure in heaven )
Dave Downey ( Friend of family passed the day b4 yesterday due to blood clot to the brain while driving over to visit my uncle)
Issac Krebs (Friend's 3 yr old son found cancer cure in heaven) Feel free to visit this mom amazing journey with her son at www.caringbridge.org/visit/issackrebs
Gabe Putthoff (our Associate Pastor's 5 year old son who is facing his second round with cancer, and the issues that go along with it.) Feel free to visit his heroic story at www.caringbridge.org/visit/gabeputthoff
Darren Myers (tragic car accident last night; in trauma unit on respirator. multiple injuries, doesn't look good: my ex's nephew)
Marilyn Boyd ( my husband's aunt received the diagnosis of Carcinoid Syndrome which they have found the tumors and she is recovering from surgery then will undergo chemo for the one they couldn't get)
Betty (BJ) Rentschler (my mother-in-law has been in the hospital twice within the last 30 days with a horrible bladder infection, and other health issues and is still in the hospital as I type)
Phyllis Bancour (my cousin has been in the hospital and now is recovering from pneumonia but was also diagnosed with emphysema and interstitial lung disease.)

..........praying to find the smiles of sunshine and good news through the clouds!

It's really funny............

...........how I continue to entertain myself by not knowing anything at all to write about when I come here to let my heart out. I sincerely go thru a thought process while typing and laughing at myself; "you don't have a subject even in mind, what the heck are you doing." "ohhh just shut it off and come back when you think of something worth wild to even talk about."

Well by the time I get to this area of writing I have usually figured out or my fingers just go on with whatever is going to come out, but not today I am at a duh??? moment; did going blonde really set me back this much. Did it really pull out any sense that was rolling around up there? Blonde, funny isn't it? I'm stuck!

I guess I'm still overloaded from the last posting........too many prayers that need to be said, too much research that needs to be done, the laundry isn't finished, the dishes still need to be done, dinner still needs to be partially prepared, but this is my only quite time when no one is here, the clothes still need to be put away from off the couch, I need to raise more money for a cure, we need to find a doctor that knows what the heck is going on, I need answers, I need to feel better, the bathroom needs cleaned, I need to go visit Grandma Lola, I need to get our business tax stuff done for Missouri, I need to work on the next NF event stuff, I still need to email stuff, I need to go get my drivers license changed, I need to take Holly to get her license, I need to go make my bed, I need to clean out the van and wash it, I need to deep clean Koda's room, I need to talk to the bill collectors that keep calling and work out a plan, I need to do some Christmas shopping, I need to get a job so I can buy Christmas, I need to just do everything right now cuz I have put it all off long enough.....

.....wow where did all that come from? Busy? Apparently I need to be doing stuff instead of thinking about what I need to do. Been there?..............lets not forget to stop, breathe, read, and have a moment in all the busi-ness of our lives and thank and reflect on God! Don't forget your family and yourself. You can't do all the above if you don't take 3 very important parts of life to heart: God, Family, and yourself (and I don't mean selfishness/pride). So today I'm going to just enjoy the day doing what I can get accomplished. It's really funny......................... being Blonde!

Overloaded...........

...........with ideas to write about today, but haven't decided on anything yet. I thought I would just start typing and see where the heart leads. Ok, subjects could include an obediant wife, a step-parents views, a hotel stay, a public family secret, disorders and diseases, uhhhmmmm there is so many but what is prevelant for today? I must say my eyes have been opened a little more today by one little phone call. See, God puts people in your path just for the very moment that you need it. I didn't realize I needed anything but a job; and then I get the phone call. This very phone call could enhance, destroy, save, enlighten, give strength or just improve a wonderful marriage and unity of the souls.

Step-parenting; I can't say I know anything about it as I have never been one. So why would I write about such a topic.....because I'm married to one, and have relations that are one, etc. Where do they actually fit into the picture, and when do they actually get the recognition that they deserve. Are they just a piece of the puzzle to always get played or the piece left put up and never seen. They are not in the deciding factor in the final decisions of things nomatter if they are the caregiver, insurance payor, the house supplier, the meal maker, the taxi driver, and the money giver.

Are my eyes really open to the possibility that "the" step-parent can see right thru the games that might be played; manipulation, lying, butterup, deception, sneakiness? I am not just talking about my personal family but even the ones that might very well be reading this. Does it really matter for the sp to say anything at all about a subject, when the actual parent always is blinded, gives in, and thinks its all ok? Why even ask them if we're only going to make the final choice in the matter and it be our opinion that is the solution.

I am forever not agreeing with my husband on the rules, discipline, etc for my daughter that lives with us....because I've already lost one daughter back to her dad. That's my thought; I didn't lose her nor did my husband have anything to do with that move. I have to blame somebody though, right? It can't be my fault.......of course, it could be that there was a teenager that thought grass was greener on the other side as well. It's possible it was just all part of the game........and then it could be that well; I can't go into the depths of someone else's choices. Ok no blaming anyone here, just a realization moment for me............this about me realizing that my husband really is pushed back. If some life or death situation was to happen to the kids; the sp wouldn't be calling any final shots in the norm. As an wife that is very much in love with my  husband; I really could've pushed him away by not sitting down and finding out the very reason each of us feel the way we do about such decisions that need to be made. Can we agree to take the time to listen to the logic then proclaim the answer with love?

He doesn't know I have even been enlightened today, about his position in our family. I don't want him left out, and I don't want to push him out eventually either. I also don't want him to punish incorrectly; uhhmmm let's see I guess I'm the judge and I know exactly the perfect punishment is for every situation. NOPE! I really need to listen; I guess sometimes his anger overrides my thinking that he can make a "loving, impactful action/decision". He can't do it right cuz he's mad, He can't do it right cuz he's not been a parent as long, He can't .........do anything if I don't let him share in all these experiences that parents/a marriage should share. Part of that is making mistakes, and standing by each other thru it all. My gosh, what have I done? I understand why he says "what's the point" now...........I know duh, right? Light-bulb should have went off then; but it didn't. Is it possible this is why so many marriages that include step kids don't work?

I know usually when there is step kids there is sometimes a missing biological parent missing from the whole picture do to drugs, alcohol, absenteeism, etc...........but I'm talking about where all parents are involved including step-parents on each side. Kids know right from wrong, and how to get their way; am I missing it by wearing rose colored glasses? I don't want to be too hard, and I don't want them to be unhappy cuz they might just leave............well EYES OPENED along with HEART! I am not playing anymore, my marriage has to last a lifetime; I am partners with my man by God's Grace. I will have this very talk with him this evening; and apologize to him and the world! I have been controlling, unsupportive, and most of all not the spouse anybody would want to step-parent with. It falls down to fear..........I feared something, so I tried to control it myself. I no longer fear.............if they happen to want to leave; grass may be greener, but if its not then that was their decision. Old enough to make choices then old enough to enjoy the consequences. Let's Enjoy Life .............Overloaded!

The Son Painting

A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art.

When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier. The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.

About a month later, just before Christmas, There was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands.

He said, 'Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art.' The young man held out this package. 'I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this.'

The father Opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture.. 'Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift.'

The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.

The man died a few months later... There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection.

On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel. 'We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?'

There was silence..

Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, 'We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one.'

But the auctioneer persisted. 'Will somebody bid for this painting? Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?'

Another voice angrily.. 'We didn't come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Gogh's, the Rembrandts.. Get on with the

Real bids!'

But still the auctioneer continued. 'The son! The son! Who'll take the son?'

Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. 'I'll give $10 for the painting...' Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.

'We have $10, who will bid $20?'

'Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters.'

The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son.

They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections.

The auctioneer pounded the gavel. 'Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!'

A man sitting on the second row shouted, 'Now let's get on with the collection!'

The auctioneer laid down his gavel. 'I'm sorry, the auction is over.'

'What about the paintings?'

'I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings.

The man who took the son gets everything!'

God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on the cross. Much like the auctioneer, His message today is: 'The son, the son, who'll take the son?'

Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything.

FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD HE GAVE HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON, WHO SO EVER BELIEVED, SHALL HAVE ETERNAL LIFE......THAT'S LOVE

Laughing............

my butt off! Ok, if you have ever had anything wrong with you to the point of testing by doctors then you have got to read the link to Marilyn's blog; ohhhhh my gosh, HILARIOUS! This woman of God can take the saddest, most frightening, suspicious, angry, and unknowing steps/diagnosis' thru life and just use plain ol' criticism, back talkin, sarcasm, etc to get everyone else thru and maybe even herself. I dare you to read her journey; she just started it so it's easy to catch up. I know you will love it and her by the time you are done! By the way this is my Aunt!...........the best medicine ever!
www.marilynssunflowers.blogspot.com

Difference........

Who is relying on you, counting on you and needs you to be there to show them, help them, support them and pull them up? Today, it's you that has the chance to impact, to encourage, to meet a need that you don't even know exists. Be the difference.

That's exactly what Dr. Tim is doing from Liberty, MO. He doesn't know us or Koda or even anyone with NF apparently, but is willing to endure the Antarctica Marathon to raise money for a cure for NF. The proceeds going to The Children's Tumor Foundation. Uhmmm time for self reflection I would think; what difference will we make today? You might just find your purpose in life..............

 

Unsure...........

back but still to busy it seems to keep up on a daily basis; but who knows.......for now though I'm just unsure. Its ok to be unsure knowing that where my final place is. I must say that I deal with the natural human feelings of unsureness though. Mainly why and what purpose will this serve? NF, cancer, etc all these things are an unknown for the people that have to live between the lines of it's diagnosis. It becomes easy to blame, find an excuse, or even a scapegoat than to just face the facts that we have an enemy that really is among us to destroy us. When these things happen though, if you step back and watch; you will see a healing that could've never taken place before had it not happened. A family brought back together after years of discord. A way for some to look at themselves and not judge anymore.
A new friend to make, just when you need a real one the most. Would I want my son to pay the price to bring a family back together; my selfishness says no.......but we all know he was only given to me for me to do my job; raise him to know the Lord on a personal level. But see, God did give up his only son to save all of us. See He was selfish in the fact He wanted us all. For those with no family, any sacrifice would be willing to enjoy just a moment in a family spirited atmosphere. There is a purpose behind the pain; though it was not caused it is still allowed so that the pain will give purpose to the much needed growth in each of us. I have to step back and wonder myself why I have become so close to this family member lately........why have our paths crossed; why do we need each other, and what is about to happen? I know I shouldn't but I still want an answer to why. She is not my blood, but she is becoming one of the closest people to my heart. She has had experiences, guilt, shame, victories, losses, thoughts, fights, anger, love, and most of determination. Where she gets it; who knows............she probably is in awe of herself. She wouldn't tell you that though. May we all step back and look a little deeper at the people God allows us to have in our lives. All have a purpose; to a beautiful tapestry that will be finished but it includes our pain. It's all part of it. I must say that I hope to find many years of connected heart strings, and get to share the present of life and victory with her. I know when we look each other in the eyes from now on; there is a deeper sense of strength, passion, serenity, love, wisdom, life, sunshine, memories, mountains of endurance, and most of all true friendship..........to the end. Why I'm writing the words I am, again I do not know. I type what my heart is delivering at the time. Sometimes it makes me cry.......how my feeling turn into clicks. My heart is my writing, and my writing is your gift from me for the day. Another day is always a gift to be thankful for; so I'm glad I can share it with you. I'm still unsure..............