Anger, Realization, Forgiveness

Who are you? You are not the same as you were before. My blood boils; I don’t understand where you went. It’s a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts that keep me from sleeping. I didn’t ask to have you in my life but for whatever reason; God thought we should be together. So it is! I knew things were changing along the way, but it’s became a realization that we will never be what we once were. I’m so sad. I’m glad that I got to know you as you were once before. You were the person I could always count on, the one always there for me no matter what, the one that helped me along the way, and listened when no one else would. I thought of us as best friends, and always forgave you when I thought I was done wrong. I’ve done you wrong too, and apologized for everything; thinking you had given that forgiveness back. I guess I was wrong. You have harbored resentment and bitterness I guess. You have held grudges all these years. I know you are saddened to be without your loved one, but is it an excuse to treat us all bad? My children have seen the worst in you, and I hate it that they had to see, hear, and live with it. No wonder they and the others don’t want to be around.

I guess you just thought I should know about it, so you put it in a pretty photo album to give as a gift. It was a stab to the heart that made me realize that you are not the person that I thought you were. You are always expecting something back. That is not what I learned from the Sunday school you sent me to. Oh yeah, and why didn’t you go? The Bible was big in our lives, and I thought you were one trying to abide. There were preachers within our means, and faithful church going Christians. Hypocrite is now all I can say now, but we all are that at some time. Is that what you desired to do when you took me in as your own, make sure I would forever owe you? I have been disowned before, but our relationship always made that disappear out of my mind; until now. Where did I go wrong; no, I believe you have just been in and out of your mind. You look at me with complete hatred sometimes; will I ever see the love in your eyes?
I just want to scream angry words at you and let you know how I feel. See though, you remember everything bad or how much people owe you, but you forget the seeds of good deeds that many have left in your life. I can only hope never to become like you, as you were once a hero in my eyes! You deal with pain like no one I have ever seen. Now you would rather buy unnecessary plants instead of the meds to make you heal. I see now that much of that is just a way to get attention or at least a label “see what I have done”. Are you doing these things so you can be with your loved one, or so the neighbors will see what you are capable of? Don’t think I don’t notice when you grab your chest; I know you are in pain. You once took my help, and now you portray you don’t want me around. You are always ready to outdo someone no matter the state that it puts you in; if you would only realize that you don’t have to do anything; my love for you cannot be undone.

I’ve lived with you now since February 1st, and it’s been like I imagine Hell. I thought I could be of some help here, but I was wrong. I have treated my son like I would never imagine trying to keep you happy; but no more! He is almost 4, and I will make sure that he never hears, lives, or sees even a tidbit of the new you. I’m getting out of here, before I explode. I want to say “you will never see me again”, but I know that I cannot stay away from you for long. Division has happened because of you, and some are lying to you just to keep the peace. Some are putting up with you just because “they should”; it’s the right thing to do.

You are depressed and have been for a long time. I wish you would have went and seen someone to get some help. I miss him too, and her even more; but it’s not an excuse to make everyone miserable just because you can’t find contentment within yourself. You were supposed to enjoy this time in your life with great grandchildren almost old enough to have their own. I’ve cried many tears over you, and I’m sure I’m not done. I love you with all my heart, but I do wish I could figure out where you have gone. I will not judge you lest I be judged, the good book says. Some say its ol’ age, dementia, or Alzheimer’s. I wonder if it is any or if this is the real you? Who are you? You are not the same person that helped raise me, but I forgive you because you are my Grandma.