Thanksgiving News

He really has stepped up beyond the necessary!

While enjoying the weekend with my daughter and son-in-law, I turned back from the front seat of the car to look at her, and I experienced the greatest pain (what I would call a pulled tendon) behind my left eye. Immediately my vision was impaired, but I didn’t realize how much until I tried to read anything containing words/letters. We had arrived back home, and when I went to follow a recipe for dinner found that I couldn’t read the instructions. The pressure had built and the pain increased over the next couple days and with my ever so restricted vision, I called the optometrist first thing Monday morning. The one I originally go to couldn’t get me in until Dec. 7^th. I tried to research another, with much frustration because I couldn’t see to look for such online. My introduction to using Google voice search began. I was able to get the info & have it even call the number for me. WOW, technology really helped me out in a desperate situation. This doctor was able to get me in that day, so I went. I was able to drive, but not read signs, etc. Everything was so distorted and blurry, with that said; I have always had astigmatism and I was just assured that was part of the reason along with knowing from the last eye glass prescription that I was soon headed for bifocals. Hello 40’s…just one of the many developments is enough but it seems they tend pop up their ugly heads unexpectedly. Let’s just say I didn’t realize how many things have words/letters nor how much one “reads” throughout the day.

The testing came back with a definite need for bifocals but that wasn’t the issue that caused me to sit behind those different lens’ that day. One test, led to another, and yet another. The final one printed out a picture of my optic nerve which showed severe inflammation, so the Dr. started asking other questions about my gate/walk, dizziness, fatigue, muscles, etc. I explained some things that had been going on (that I never really took as a need of concern). He said, you are showing all the signs of MS (Multiple Sclerosis), and this inflammation is one of those…so I need to order an MRI ASAP so we can get you on some steroids for the inflammation. My first thought…I know what steroids do to me, and I AIN’T (English majors please rest as I did that on purpose) doing it because the side effects outweigh the benefits. He asked who my PCP (Primary Physician) was, and I wanted to answer Jesus…but I didn’t. I said, I don’t have one since we moved. I’ve had no reason to go to the doctor, so I never established one. He looked at me in a weird way, then asked who I would like to attain as one because he needed that to order the MRI. I just said, who do you suggest? I don’t know. He referred me, and even called that doctor to see if he could take new patients, etc. I’m pretty impressed with the care, detailed, and bedside manners of this optometrist. He came back with the info that I needed to stop by this other doctor’s office to pick up the new patient paperwork. I laughed, how the heck am I going to be able to read it to fill it out. I got the requirements done with the help of the receptionist, so the MRI got ordered. The possibility of being diagnosed with MS didn’t scare or concern me in any manner…it would have explained some things and I knew that it was just another story of God’s glory to be revealed.

As soon as I got home I wanted to research all about it but couldn’t. That right there has been the most frustrating of circumstances because that’s just what I do. I read, research, and read some more about all things pertaining to human life because I love it. The part that hurt me the most was when I would go to grab my Bible, open it, and almost cry because I couldn’t read it. My ever so loving husband was greatly concerned with the news, and was ever so patient with me while after a hard day’s work would come home to a wife needing answers…so he’d research the topics for me. This is so NOT his thing. I am so privileged to have such as blessing as him. He posted on my social media to give people a heads up of what was going on, answered people’s questions until it got to be too much (I’ve still got like 40+ FB messages unread at the time of this). I’m not ignoring you, I just don’t have the visual ability to read any of it. Matters of fact, I wouldn’t be writing this without it being zoomed at 500% and using voice to text.Thank you, thank you all whom have been so concerned, in prayer, called, texted & messaged to find out the updates…I love you! There is no doubt that I am loved.

I went for the MRI. Thank you for those whom prayed for that as I’m highly claustrophobic and IV sticks are the worst for me. I prepared though by making sure I was overly hydrated (hello toilet we are friends) and drowned myself in all that makes me calm & happy. Your prayers along with these added precautions…the IV went in on the first stick, and I fell asleep in the MRI so it can’t get any calmer than that. (They didn’t have any of the cool added technology like I’ve seen at other hospitals, fans, earbuds, movies to watch while in there, etc., so it was just me and that loud banging long donut).

Now wait…the waiting room whether at home or in the office seems to be the most time wasted in life. Waiting on results, waiting for a test, waiting for the appointment that was supposed to be 30 mins ago, waiting on the nurse, waiting on the doctor, waiting, waiting, and more waiting. Today (Wednesday, November 22, 2017) was supposed to be when I went to the new doctor to establish care & get the results of the MRI (that I found out yesterday was completed and read on Nov. 16^th)…I growl a little. They called me yesterday to say the dr. is leaving town for the holiday and I’ll need to be rescheduled until Monday, Nov 27^th. I growled a little more and increased my volume at this response, asking if anyone could at least give me the results. They said they hadn’t seen the report nor that I was even in the hospital system. I called the eye dr. next. He quickly got off the phone to find out what was going on. He called me back directly from his cell phone, first saying he apologized the hospital had not yet delivered the report but that it had indeed been completed since the 16^th. He let me know that I have some issues that was detected by the MRI & that could very well along with the need for a new eyeglass prescription be the cause of my vision loss and distortion. I will need to see the other doctor for that, but that I do NOT have MS!!! Thank you God! Thank you for your faithful prayers! I’ll keep you updated as this progresses with the other information I received.

I have had moments of restored vision enough to text my daughters or husband, but only moments. Thankfully the pain has dissolved, but the pressure is still there if I try to read too much. The strain to focus on reading really does cause much discomfort. I miss reading, and had recently discovered Audible thru Amazon & love it, but let me say that I’ve yet to find any audible bible versions where the narrator wasn’t horrible to listen to. Good grief, if they believe He sounds like that…they don’t know my God. He has a personality, laughs, and has emotions. Those people are “BORING”!

So until I get new glasses (which I won’t be retested until Tuesday, Nov. 28^th & given the prescription) I am going to continue to limit my online presence on social media. I will not be attending to FB messenger for sure, so if you have a message for me then please either send a message to Rick or send me a text & he’ll read it when he is home…or you are free to call me too (I cannot call you back unless I have a moment clear vision…or until I can get my “not so smart phone” to call you using voice. I’m trying to get that to work.) I have so much that I can't wait to share about this journey already. 

Happy Thanksgiving! Release the bitterness, envy, strife, un-forgiveness, and pride…Enjoy and love on those crazy family members, and don’t miss the opportunity to share the Good News of Jesus & Freedom through Salvation because there might not be another moment for such. Time is short and unpredictable. You are so appreciated and loved beyond measure.

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~Blessings!

Significant Novembers...

Every day I wake I have a joyful tear that rolls down my face because I get to continue to look my son in the eyes. I am more than thankful. See this time last year, I thought I was going to be headed down the path so many I know have already taken...and we had to jump onto a rollercoaster I didn't give permission to be on. You can read about that journey starting here. 

On the 2nd of November this year, Rick & I celebrated 16 years of being back together...that's another story for another day. No, not our wedding anniversary but being back in each others lives. It's also the same week a year ago that our son came to me to ask why he had a hole in his head. As I type this, my chest fills with pressure, and then I have to remember...we're not in that storm anymore. We have not only survived the storm, but we are Thriving! Only because of the precious mercy & favor of our Lord whom has given not only K (our son) a significant  & remarkable recovery but us a story of how faith moves mountains. As I've went through the pictures of this last year...wow, just WOW! 

We were loved on by so many people even strangers who didn't know us personally. We were allowed to "know" when the suggestions by the medical teams were not the road we were to take. Thank God, we listened. We now are on a peaceful journey of yet another hope, and by God's creation we are seeing life altering miracles daily. We are utilizing the organic compounds of what was given at the creation of the world, we will continue to do so with such fabulous results, and we are learning to love some new terminology I want to call "PMS" (Phenylpropanoids, Monoterpenes, and Sesquiterpenes). 

That is because this combination offers the following:

First, you clean the receptor sites allowing the proper transfer of hormones, peptides, neurotransmitters, steroids, and other intracellular messengers. (The Phenylpropanoids do that.)

Second, you deprogram or erase the wrong information from cellular memory stored in the DNA. (The Sesquiterpenes take care of that.)

Third, you reprogram the cells with the correct information so they can function properly. (The Monoterpenes do this.)

We are headed down a new road of epigenetics: the study of heritable changes in gene expression (active versus inactive genes) that do not involve changes to the underlying DNA sequence — a change in phenotype without a change in genotype — which in turn affects how cells read the genes.

We were perfectly made...and made with a body that wants, can, and will heal itself if it's just given the "conditions" in-which to do so. Faith...comes by hearing the Word, and on that Faith we build our trust in The One that has directed us down this path of unknown, but so so full of peace. 


Here's the few things he got to do for the first time in his life since surgery on May 8th...
1) ride the tallest (for us) ferris wheel in Branson, MO twice
2) caught his first bass & learned how to fish for them
3) got to see the solar eclipse looking thru a homemade cereal box
4) attend a hot air ballon show & get into the basket
5) he gained another brother-in-law
6) he got to build a dinosaur at build-a-dino
7) attended Science City twice in St. Louis
8) got to ride in an airplane
9) ride in a rental car
10) ride in a trolley
11) he started middle school
12) had the biggest personal firework show in our driveway
13) jumped over into men's shoe sizes
14) off all prescription and OTC medications
15) use dad's table saw
16) had his oldest sister here for weeks instead of days
17) shattered his Ipad (we're doing great without it)
18) got to see baby mice practically be born
19) got to help tear down walls in our home remodel
20) learned how to make homemade soap, scrubs, deodorant, body butter
21) learning how to be a barista at school coffee bar
22) An all day around KS waterfall tour
23) Participate in burial of great grandma's ashes
24) Participated in our church parade 
25) has a thing for girls...Lord, help us!

All is wonderful in the world, until you get the news...

3D Imaging so they could order the implant

We got to learn some new words

The puzzle piece (hole) that will never mean the same 

Helmet to protect the exposed Transverse Sinus until Surgery.

Twins...shaved for surgery

Day after surgery

Day after surgery

Day after surgery: Out comes drain tube

The implant

1 month post op

His first Bass! We were all proud!

Now

The Aggressive Lies of Perfection...

have done more damage to goals & dreams than anything else. Peeps! Lets' talk.

I'm the queen of focus on your goals, hide yourself from the daily to do list like laundry because it'll be there when you finish anyway. Make your minutes in this life matter. Coffee with a friend because she needs an ear, cuddling with your baby, watching a movie with your spouse, and anything that directly affects your bank account are all more important than those dishes, dusting, laundry, etc.

It's no lie that I hate certain elements of laundry to the point the stacks and stacks of clothes find their usual home in a laundry basket. I don't have too much trouble actually getting clothes to the washer & starting it...the delay comes in getting them transferred to the dryer. Then, I must rewash them because they've sat in the washer too long & ohhh gawd the horrific smell of "you know." No lie, I've got an easy peasy resolve of that smell through a few drops of purification in with the laundry soap itself (that stuff makes poop smell like sweet lemonade with no exaggeration). Then once it's to the dryer, I do turn it on to complete the process, but it may be days before it gets taken out...or it gets placed into its' home until I absolutely can't stand it anymore. There's a wide range of time that goes by before the "I can't stand it anymore" ignites action of actually putting it away.

When I do get the action rolling on folding...that usually doesn't bother me too much & I'll get those all stacked up & put away. SHIRTS tho are my downfall because they have to go on a hanger & be hung up. There's something about that process (No, at this moment I don't know why) that I absolutely HATE! So while I'll get all the other clothes folded & put away...the shirts then join the family of shirts pile on our cedar chest in the bedroom again until I can't stand it anymore. There's something about misery loving company, and that chest then finds multiple things placed on it from receipts, new fall decor that I've bought, jewelry that I've taken off, opened mail packages, and the pile piles on up. Our cedar chest is the magnet for all things I don't want to deal with, you know like that treadmill, exercise bike, or the vacuum, but why the chest...it has no exertion requirement calling out to me that I need to face.

This morning I decided I was going to face this 2 weeks worth of clean laundry that needed to go where it belonged. In the midst of all this I've picked a book to listen to (Audible has became my new friend, and I'm questioning why it's taken me so long to discover it) called Finish: Give Yourself The Gift of Finish by Jon Acuff. I don't suggest many books, but this one that needs to be read by every single house. Why, you ask, because perfection has lied to us in a very subtle but aggressive way. One of the biggest takes I had gotten from this book was that...

"the word "until" is nothing more than perfection dressed up in a Halloween costume!"

Big eyes here, and mouth dropped to the floor...eye opener! Genius! So, when you talk listen for your "until". There's a whole bunch of revelations in the words of this book, so I won't give anymore spoiler alerts; GO GET THE BOOK!

Back to my morning, I decide to take one of his tips I'd got from the book to face my laundry situation. While I won't go into detail about the tip, I'll say I changed my goal to only hang up the shirts. You know what? Not only did I hang up the shirts, I put ALL the laundry away, swept the floor in my bedroom, dusted, threw away all the piles of trash on the cedar chest or placed everything where it belonged, and made my bed (typically don't because I'm gonna crawl right back in it tonight). I FINISHED the book, laundry, and all the above by noon today. Reward...the rest of the day to do what I want. I'm not looking at the other rooms (past experience says I do that) that need such details as defeat.  Perfection would try to say I've failed because the entire house isn't that way. I'm calling BS on perfection today & nothing has felt so freeing. Thank you to Jon for the book...something tells me that my house will be cleaner overall, my guilt will have been crushed by revelations, and I'll walk in many more victories because I will FINISH. You are worthy of FINISH.

Decluttering...the ultimate betrayal

Betrayal...makes your mascara run!

I can say my life is by no way an accident, I have purpose and so do you. There's just way too many circumstances, tragedies, experiences, and such that I have personally went thru for it to not be of value to someone. The only way I have survived is by knowing thru my vulnerability, my story, my moments of rawness that someone is helped, understood, validated, and given hope. I've been decluttering & simplifying my home since August 1st, and if I would've known what I know this minute...I don't know that I would've started it. Now comes a season of decluttering & simplifying my emotions even though I didn't "ask" or "want" to.

Like the last couple days...Sometimes all I can do is cry it all out because there's no one I can talk to about such matters except for God. Which by the way, I realize is the only one to talk to...He's the only one who can do anything about it anyway. It's a twisted tangled mess that includes way too many people, so talking about it isn't an option. I'm a talker...so God has got His ears filled these last couple days with slurred words, blubbering noises, and whaling that even a toddler can't produce.

"I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God." ~Psalm 69:3. Until I have more clarification (because I can't trust my judgments right now), His Word is where I turn. I'm not alone there. What scares the "be Jesus" out of me...is exactly that; He was different, and didn't comply with the world nor their rules of normalcy. If I was to talk to anyone...they would in-fact think I was sick and have lost my mind. How in world could I go down this road? See, it's about forgiveness. It's about a forgiveness that isn't talked about. It's about despite the world view of how I should respond...I'm choosing to forgive. Believe me...I want to run away from this situation, and in the world's eyes I'd have validation for it.

Can I forgive at that level. That kind of forgiveness means to forget as God has forgotten...uhm, that's deep, that's hard, and to be honest I don't know if I can. I'm human...so is that kind of forgiveness possible? I don't know if I can live with myself if the consequences of it coming back to yet again be repeated. That's not my job tho...I don't know that...So, do I trust God that won't happen? I don't know if I can be like Jesus here. I thought for sure I was a follower...but, I can follow all day long. It's the "be like" Him that for the first time in my life...I just don't know that I can. See, I can forgive those whom do something to me ohhh how I wish this was anything like that. I've had to forgive my abusers, my naysayers, my parents, my grandparents, my friends, my kids, people from past relationships, all of that...so I thought I had forgiveness down.

But see the real issue here...is will I forgive myself for the decision that comes after the forgiveness. Do I stay, do I go, and whichever I do with this; will we be okay? The unknown is scary as hell. Sure there's people that if I had committed suicide and left a note with the story that would've said, "I wish she would've said something, I would've helped"...those people really aren't there like that. Those words come only when they are safe from having to fulfill such a need. I'm speaking from experience here because I've asked in the past...and that's when everyone seems to have not seen your message, it's urgency is dismissed, and is it even their responsibility? So yes, my past tends to help me make my decisions. I'm not going to share the tragic darts of this situation to find out no one is there to help with human effort. Again, a light bulb moment and reflection back to myself...am I there for others in this way? Seriously! Are we all so shut down behind the "knowing what they'd all would say and do" so why do it...then we sit in our pit of mire alone. All alone...well not Spiritual speaking but humanly speaking yes.

So...today I turn to God in my turmoil. It's Him alone that can do anything about it anyway. I do wonder what this is going to do for someone else...If I can't talk about it then how can I help another. It's my story but I'm involved deeply and entangled with so many more that it's not my place to put them out there. God help us!

A meme came across my screen that put it all into place for me along with the faithful prayers of some caring friends....If you went to Heaven, and God said...I forgive you to the same measure you gave forgiveness...how forgiven would I be? Matthew 6:15 "but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses". Ohhh do I need forgiveness too! Anybody else?

So, I'm not running away or ending the relationship of the one that has ultimately betrayed me...I'm going to embrace it...with healthy boundaries, stated expectations and not naive to being co-dependent, enabling, or excusing the behavior...Jesus didn't leave me when I've betrayed Him, so I'm not leaving this one either. May we all in this entangled mess allow Jesus to untie the knots in due time. Friendships are valuable & forgiveness is growth in the hardest sense of the word.

Release & Believe has never been so confirmed in my life as it is right now...this business in which I get the privilege of running will be stronger than ever because of my experiences. It's more than oils, it's being real with people in their situation, connecting on a personal level, and it's more than releasing...it's the power that comes in the changing ones intentions to affirmations & seriously believing it. I'm seeing a developing inner circle of support for those whom have been betrayed. If you'd like to have a connection, let me know. Thank you Jesus for allowing me to sit with you in your betrayal so that I may learn.


 #bedifferent #callustheweirdos #iwannabelikejesus #releaseandbelieve #inmyrawyouarenotalone

What a circus year!! It's back to school time...

Fun Friday...this is sarcasm. Hello me!

K has had surgery and healed zoom fast! I'm so thankful for the incorporation of Young Living's essential oils being an avenue of  help in regards to speed & no scarring. Thank you all so much for your prayers that got us thru this last year.

It's been a year since we had to abruptly move, and while it was seemingly the worst year at many moments especially my mental health throughout this year...it has ended to be the best ever! No, K needing surgery I sure could've done without, but what came from that is nothing short of God using that time to step me onto my divine calling in life. It's fabulous when one finds their purpose in life. I have done that, and with that now thrive, am invigorated with excitement to see how and who I'll be blessed by helping next. Check out Release & Believe to see what I'm up to these days as a entrepreneur.

We have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know our son this summer without any chemical induced control thru medications. Who is he...he is vibrant, fun, creative, and loves to tell the most outlandish stories using the things he's most interested in. He has not needed the Ipad so much since the meds are gone, as he is outside doing the "typical boy" things like playing with big nerf guns, pretending stuff is blowing up, etc. But see what is sad about this...is the other kids his age are stuck behind the their phones or gaming devices. He has no friends, and with being socially immature and awkward he has found playtime with a 4 year old girl and I'm fine with that. He's compassionate & they play well together. He is using the EO's to help keep his emotions in order, support quality sleep, and overall functioning. He still doesn't self regulate, so we have to remind him to use the oils.

I don't even know where to start on the most current situation, but we're back to school. Back to school in a "new" to him school called Middle school. We only have one middle school here so all three of the elementary schools come in. I've had calls almost every single day for something from BM accidents, behaviors, headaches, etc. So before I go into any details on that, here's the disruptions in life that are happening around him that would affect many...

1. New school (new atmosphere/environment)

2. New & more teachers

3. New & more kids

4. Not yet have we had a full week of school even tho we started on Aug 23rd.

5. His big sisters have been here staying in and out (guests always throw him off)

6. More transitions (he has 9 classes and not all classes are the same daily)...(college atmosphere)

7. We are remodeling our home so things are out of sort here

Can we just let things settle for a moment for him...like get a full week of school in?

So they called an emergency meeting to figure out what to do for him at school. He has an IEP (it's never been what I call the best and each year it changes because each school & staff sees things differently). I go in and sit down with 11 teachers & admin that tell me he cannot control himself, he's all over the place, and that he can't focus...and here comes the question; why isn't he on meds like he was last year? He needs them. BAM!!! They are not doctors! I suggested that he get to use his oils...NOPE! I said don't girls get to carry around perfume bottles in their purses or lotions? I can make him up something like that, NOPE! They don't want the liability...What?! You don't have to put them on, you don't have to administer, but you might have to tell him to do it. NOPE! If I can get the doctor to write a prescription for it and it be on the named bottle just as it is to be administered, then and only then they'll accept. I've got a primary doctor who will do it, but...why is it always the meds is the easy way out?

Where's the accommodations and modifications play in? It is important here to measure not just the child's behavior, but also the reactions & events in the child's environment. Why are we not looking for the cause of the behavior...because there is one. Our behavior serves as a metaphor for communication. Can we be observant scientists, and figure this out...I can't be there to do this for them. There's a motivation for everything we do. It's either to escape (a lot of adult parents do this at the check out line when the kid is screaming for what they want and the parent gives in to escape; which is in neither parties best interest), get attention (positive or negative: they are in need of interaction), or to avoid (a complicated one) that one has discovered & learned by cues in that particular environment that have been connected to past unpleasant events that causes a thought of "I'm not going to put myself in this situation". If a teacher, for example here, has already at the beginning of the year set a negative environment that my child has picked up on; he's going to do whatever he can to keep from entering that situation again. We all do it.

It cracks me up...we've all been told to be good & listen. Listening is not really what you want them to do...you want them to "do" something not just "hear" you...because chances are they did hear. Wording is so important. "Be good", what is good? Have we written out the details of what this actually means and where are it's boundaries? It's a highly sophisticated concept involving social norms, context, modulation of intensity & quality of behavior, and the motivation to comply with those norms & guidelines. The meaning behind "be good" changes with every person saying it, even my husband and I don't have the same definition for "be good". Good grief, how are we so loosing the point & the projected goal with words that cannot be defined in literal context. After we discover the reasoning behind the behaviors then we can exchange that behavior for the one we want. Until we do this...we're all going to run around the wilderness with the same problems happening over and over. Medicine isn't the only need here...if in-fact we get the behaviors figured out then we can look at meds. I'm not against meds, but I am against it being the first choice (have I said that a million times before). Attitude, Approach, Acceptance, and careful & intentional observations is what needs to happen with open minds to the possibilities of that which is "outside the box" of our typical thinking or experiences. 

What's ohhh so frustrating to me is the fact that this very morning K & I had a detailed conversation over how he had transferred to the SpEd room yesterday. He was able to tell me what he read, learned and how much he enjoyed the classroom. This has never happened. Why the %$#^ can't this happen? Why does it have to be temporary? Why are they so against it? I'm so tired of hearing how intelligent he is and what all he brings to a classroom when I'm here at home hoping some day he will stop having #1 & #2 accidents in his pants, #2 predominately...and when it does happen to be able to clean his own butt. Seriously, that is a big deal and a needed life skill if you ask me. He doesn't acknowledge or care that there is poop in his pants...and he's 12. I've seriously got more things I'd rather be researching and learning than how to conduct myself & how to express my voice to the ones trying to educate him. Why am I asked to come in? I'm not listened to when they do ask?

So we go back to the psychiatrist to talk about meds again on the 21st. Until then, I'll get off my soap box as a momma bear, helicopter parent that just wants all avenues of supports, interventions, and modifications done before we turn to medications. By the way, what tests he has taken so far...100% on them. Who isn't learning here? Hope you all have a fabulous September!! :)

Seek with all our heart...

...and that we did today. Koda couldn't be found. It wasn't typical for him to not be waiting for us out in the hall after Sunday school. (I didn't realize our class let out early, nor did I know they had put the junior high with the high school kids) So, on the search we went...around a couple times (every room either empty or full of kids that confirmed he wasn't there. Circles we went, and I bet we got in our 10,000 minimal steps just in this search alone for the day. So outside, to the car, to the creek beds, to the empty buildings outside, yelling his name, back in to double check bathrooms, and the sanctuary as he had usually come to find us. He's never ran off...so we were confused as to where he could possibly be. Asking for help, but getting blank stares & unmotivated people opened my eyes to a much greater need of understanding. They didn't get it at all. Becoming frantic, I asked if there could be an all over building intercom message...that didn't happen either; do they not have such a capability? I still don't know.

Every single second seemed like hours almost without me totally blowing this way out of portion. I didn't know where else to look, glad though that a couple people had took on the notice we were frantic & went searching for him too. As dad decided to head to the house just in-case he decided he wanted to walk home; which he has wanted to walk because we're so close...I was on my 4th round of inside the church when I heard his voice. Every single horrid thought, the fear, the frustration, and the heart pounding...came out in a whaling of tears; he was okay. He had not went off on his own choice, but was moved to a room in which he normally would never be; with the high school Sunday school class that had let out late.

We immediately left without going to typical worship time because of other issues that have came up. When I got home, I was drawn to the Bible with much pull. I opened up to Proverbs 1 where I felt led, read thru all of Chapter 4; and there God met me. I clearly got the message with all that I have been experiencing this (long week for me) week, seek wisdom/Him as I did for my son today & everything will turn out just as it's supposed to. By trusting, diligently seeking Him and His wisdom all these types of things come forth : protection, sweet sleep, confidence, favor, straight paths, insight, honor, live, no stumbling, understanding, barns overflowing, and assurance. Wow! Anyone else want any of this stuff? We seek it thru friends, family, money, careers, marriage, etc...when at least for me it is very clear I only need to seek Him.

Why do things happen, and this day; I know why it happened just as it did...so this very message could be found, heard, and implemented by me. It was a call to action. I didn't need to be in the sanctuary today because nothing could have impacted me like the "searching frantically for my son". He loves us so. I hope no one has to endure such to get the message, but if you do...I hope you find your message made just for you in it. Koda is my "why" in every single thing I do. Thanking God for the personal one on one time today.

How concerned or frantic are you seeking the One who makes all things better. In the wisdom He bestows there are sure a lot of promises we can hold on to. I think I've just had another "light bulb" moment of transformation. The beauty in the process of metamorphosis continues for me. While I walk in more freedom than I ever experienced, there's still a wisdom that never stops transforming our minds. On the right path, and knowing you are there...is probably the most "secure" feeling ever.


#releaseandbelieve #seekingHimovereverything #somethingclicks #lightbulbmoments #transformationintofreedom #securityinHim

It just got real...

as we celebrate K's 12th birthday today, all was fine until...we shaved his head. Then the indention of the hole in his head was vivid, the deformities of the skull were clear, and that dang mass of a tumor showed it's horror. I cried. We all can mask things all so well with cover ups, filters, airbrushing, and suppressing the emotions that bring discomfort, so we don't have to deal with it at least not at the moment. With all that removed, we are raw, vulnerable, and authentic...for most that is too hard. I can't live like that, I can't fake it, I can't pretend it's all ok...and I don't want to. When you find freedom from all the gunk of what society shows as being successful, beautiful, popular, etc...one gets to be REAL. All I care about is real, because see no matter how much hair covers his head...it doesn't cover the fact of reality. Being real brings relationships into fullness, brings purpose to life, brings emotions to the surface where one can cope in the moment instead of pushing it deep into the spirit...causing one to act out to a current situation trying to cope with a past issue that is extinct.

K has clearly stated he doesn't believe he'll make it out of surgery. He is nervous to leave his family, but knows that there is a beautiful eternity awaiting him. We're blessed knowing this confidence & faith he has to the deepest core of his being. We also know that he talks with his Savior a whole lot, and we don't doubt for a minute that he might just know more than we do. We trust that with everything we have. Some have questioned how I can even talk like that...well, reality is...it's a fact that he might just not make it. Death is real for all of us. Death isn't something to fear, but to embrace if you are a believer that there is a life hereafter. We do! Am I fearful, no. Am I worried, no. Am I angry, no. Am I looking for someone or something to blame, no. Am I sad, yes!

I'm sad no matter how this turns out. I'm sad because if he continues to explode that charismatic energy & creative imagination all over this world, he will still be at a constant risk making it through each day of life managing pain, more skull surgeries, and keeping a flow to the carotid and other arteries. I don't know if you know how in depth the risk is that this tumor has on his carotid & airway. The medical team has expected a stroke for years. So we're blessed we have had this long. We celebrate and fight daily. I'm sad of course if he doesn't make it...I won't have him here, but see I will see him someday again & knowing he won't have Neurofibromatosis, pain, and social disconnection from everything he wants to be a part of will make it easier to cope.

I want everyone to know right now tho...I feel as if God has shown me something else, and I'm publicly announcing it now. I was relieved of a burden that I was emotionally carrying in regards to the previously homeowner. Their son died in this house...in K's room. Going through an AFT session, I was given the release of carrying it because it was physically putting me in the deepest depression I've ever experience tho I didn't know what it was. I don't believe for one minute that it's K's time to go. I think he's got too much of a testimony for it to end now. I'm standing on that with 100% confidence. I really don't doubt it.

I am so thankful for a husband and the daddy K has...he's remarkable support, encouragement, and well you can't get any more "real" than him. I sometimes wish at times, he wasn't so REAL. :) So surgery to repair his skull is Monday, May 8th @ 7:30 checking in at 6 a.m. Until surgery...have a fantastic weekend! Blessings to each reader!!

The week I met my son...

for the first time without being prescription medicated for his autism and ADHD. There's no doubt that he needed something to help him since he was 3 years old especially if he was going to enter into a scheduled life of learning in public schools. He couldn't control any of the unique and outlandish behaviors, nonstop talking, there's a leaf or squirrel attention span, and anxiety through the roof.

(Quick update for those following our journey in regards to his skull that started back in November; feel free to read here if you haven't before. We have approval for the neurosurgeon, we don't have insurance approval for the plastic surgeon...how is this? Don't ask me! The insurance says it's not medically necessary. I don't call people stupid...but this is the stupidest/dumbest thing I have ever heard. For goodness sake, he's got a hole in his skull with a major vessel exposed. Whatever! They have drained me but they will not get me to quit. I'm guessing it is because we've met our deductible and they will have to cover it all. We are still just tentatively going to have surgery on April 21st. It's been a long time for this momma to wait. I want this over for his sake because he's concerned, and rightfully so.)

He's always had a great personality, but just like the commercial of the girl interviewing for the job...you got to have more than that. His personality, heart, and smile has definitely proven to be contagious if you can get thru the annoyances and quirkiness. It's hard to understand how someone can look so "ok" and so not be. On top of these diagnosis' he has a incurable genetic disorder that was by spontaneous mutation called Neurofibromatosis. If one struggle wasn't enough, when you build these together it's utter chaos. It's not his fault. It's not my fault. It's the cards we're dealt, and the journey that has taught me more than I could ever imagine.

This journey has put me on a path of research, and boy did I hate research papers in school. It's also been years of trial and error, with us still learning about him and ourselves every single day. I'll say some of the greatest discoveries have came thru an accident so to speak, or just flat tripped over it while walking it out. I've never been more thankful for a journey...not thankful he has suffered with all that he has, but what we've all learned from it.

The reason I title this post the way I did is because I really have never had a full week without him living life without prescriptions. Since February 2016 we've been on a quest to remove as many prescriptions as possible due to the abundance of side effects. You take one thing for a symptom, then you take another for the side effect of the first, and then you domino effect into a crash of chaos...that even the dr's can't help with because they don't know. When you are on (at one time over 20 prescriptions when he was on chemo) multiple prescriptions, no one has done studies of what happens when you do a combination of meds. They don't know the side effects of such recipes. His liver, stomach, esophagus, sleep, skin, and behaviors were all affected greatly. The chemicals in these prescriptions on top of the mix of them...was destroying him. We are not against prescriptions...we are against the over prescribing practices and band-aiding a condition without looking for the root.

Busted!

This is what set me out on the quest of finding the alternative. We did that through a long tedious year with multiple times of wanting to just give up. Over the last year we have gotten rid of 11 prescriptions for asthma, EXTREME restless leg syndrome, allergies, nerve pain, etc leaving us with 3 total meds which are for helping with ADHD and Autism. ***It's spring break 2017***...he has be able to prescription free since last Friday am (now Thursday). We got clearance from our doctor to try a full week of no prescriptions...granted he cannot be without help because he still has ADHD, NF, RLS, and autism. These diagnosis' aren't just going away. We have changed his diet, added supplements like magnesium, exercise, joint compressions, massage with raindrop technique, and a whole bunch of love & patience...and Young Living Essential Oils!

(ohhh gosh is supplements a journey in itself because these too have a horrible to great benefits. If you get a hold of an all chemical, cheap brand of supplements you are swallowing "nothing", and they don't absorb properly, hardly have any "whatever it is you need" in it, your body can't metabolize the type it is, etc. Just because it says magnesium...what kind of magnesium is it, and where did it come from?).

I've been 7 years looking for the best bang for my buck when it comes to the oils. Here's our story on that...my Facebook post. So with great welling up in my eyes and crocodile tears flowing down my cheeks, my heart is wrenching in sadness it's taken this long...I've met my son finally at almost 12 years old. I am getting to experience the "real" him, embracing the joy & compassion in his heart, with excitement seeing his passions/desires, fully grasping his creative and intelligent mind because he's calm enough to express himself fully without the distractions of life, anxiety of the world, and a sensory overloaded atmosphere. I have been blessed with insight this week, and all is well with my soul. I just know he's struggled for almost 12 years living this life...and now I can see his truth. No, we won't get to stay on this regime until after school is out due to many things, but I am awaiting summer in hopes all these last prescriptions will go away. I have video documented and photographed his behaviors this week to present to the Dr...so now as spring break ends I know without a shadow of doubt that God's creation of plants, trees, etc were made for our use...and they have benefited us greatly. I've never met a more beautiful person than my son. Thank you God for helping us all through this far!!

When you've been told more than you should...

Update without all the details of his horrendous journey with K and his skull implant surgery. I know there's many awaiting an update. Over the last few weeks I have found the pits of hell much too often. I'll say I've never dealt with depression to this extent. God sent help through creation itself tho for me so I could at least function through the necessities of life. I've been trying to work my Wildtree business, but with all the uncertainties among us right now it's been too hard to hold tasting events, schedule vendor events, or have parties. I cannot do that to my customers...schedule something then cancel, it's just not who I am. This has been very frustrating to try to help provide for my family when there's been such a recent significant loss financially. It just sucks.

Also during this time I've been dealing with 3 appeals in regards to getting this surgery approved thru insurance. Time is ticking away since we have met our deductible for the year, and well it starts over June 1st. (that's coming way too fast at this point in this situation) While trying to stay updated with the medical team, I've been given 3 different stories from the different departments involved. I'll admit real quick I'm pretty tired of the mess. I wanted an update this last week so I pushed some buttons with a little necessity in my voice. I got a call that disturbed me greatly about how the implant hasn't even been ordered because there is no contract with a manufacturer. I was told that they've never done this type of surgery.  I was told that another child whom needed an implant that was on state medicaid was looking for funds to have the surgery and that Koda's file was combined with that child's journey; so they were trying to find him funds. I said, whooooaaaaa! STOP! What? Koda has commercial insurance and a secondary, there is no funds to be sought. It's all a real mess! I made more calls.

Uhm, making a longer story short. The plastic surgeon just now called this evening. He started with, "I apologize for the information in which you have been given though it's the truth." He also said, "Koda is the most complicated case they've ever seen regarding the skull due to the soft bone tissue, the deteriorated design of the hole, and the location of the plexiform neurofibroma (tumor).  This is a very serious surgery due to the exposure of the transverse sinus, the unknown of what's really going on until they get in there." He will not do surgery until he feels he has what he needs to do it the way he would want it done if it were his son. So, instead of going in there, then closing him back up to come tell us they have to go back in because they didn't have the proper implant. He's researching and conducting business with 3 other 3D manufactures that can give him the implant he needs, 2 of those have failed and the 3rd to report within the next couple weeks.

He said, he may still have to go back doing it the "old way" and do a manual carving while in surgery because they just don't know. There's a tentative date towards the end of April, but not holding my breath. He said the last thing I needed to worry about was funds, insurance paying/approval, and deductibles." I said, that's easy for you to say. He kinda laughed, said yeah...I don't even know what deductibles are. Nice, glad you don't have to worry about that. I love an honest doctor. Let me say, he wasn't being arrogant or anything negative.

Then get this...I'm in the middle of all this and school calls on Tuesday. If I don't bring back K's progress note by lunchtime, he's going to loose his recess. UGH...thank God, I don't work outside home, huh? This is an ongoing battle that we've got going on this year. They apparently love to take away recess, but be damn if it's because I did/didn't do something. This paper came home on Friday in his folder, I flip through the pages to see if there's any notes for me, nope. Saw the grades, but didn't pull it completely out so didn't realize there was a signature line. His grades are all good, so I had nothing to discuss except applaud him for his work. I can understand if his grades weren't up to par..., but regardless I didn't know it had to be back on Tuesday (Monday-no school). His para has been out for a little while, and getting to school has been a struggle because he says no one really helps him. Just all those seemingly little things within themselves really build up on a momma.

Prayers for K please as he really is concerned about the surgery, and everyday he has to wear his helmet reminds him of it even more. Thankfully we have an oil that controls his pain and anxiety. Thank you to all of you whom have contacted me one on one to find out what's going on because I haven't blogged. I appreciate you. I also don't care to answer questions, so feel free. I'm not all overwhelmed by that. Be patient with me as I'm patiently awaiting too.